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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Opting out of in-law stuff

66 replies

TurnOffTheHeating · 11/04/2022 14:53

Suspect IABU, but want to check out how others deal with this stuff.

DH and I been together a couple of decades. Pretty solid relationship. Teenage kids. I like his immediate family, he likes mine.

Every year his wider family (siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, all their kids, etc) have a "reunion" in a massive rented house/complex of houses. I absolutely HATE it. Individually, they're all good people. I like them and certainly have nothing against any of them. But the reunion itself I find incredibly stressful. Some of it is because I'm not a big drinker and it all centres quite a lot around alcohol (and endless jokes about alcohol, which I find a bit repetitive). And they're mostly real extroverts (I'm not at all). Some of it is because I really hate noise and being in large groups (always have). Some of it is because of negative associations from when the kids were little of being one of the only sober ones, trying to keep track of everything.

This year, now the kids are older and I don't feel I'd be leaving him in the lurch childcare wise, WIBU to say to DH I'm going to opt out (and let him and the DC go)? Does anyone else do this? Or did I sign up to these things when I signed up to a relationship with DH?

OP posts:

Palloom · 11/04/2022 16:09

I would have no problem with a day/evening gathering. Overnights would be a definite NO! And two or three days, absolutely NO!

Would you go for one night and scarper back for a very important "thing" you have to do. LOL.

I am baffled by the propensity of Brits to want to gather with family in large numbers like this for more than a few hours/ a day, and honestly when I read here about week long holidays (or longer....) en famille I just cringe at the thought. Our extended families all get on well, but would never do this! The only time we meet up all together is for weddings and funerals! Each to their own though.

ApathyMartha · 11/04/2022 16:37

Sounds completely draining if you’re not an extrovert. I think the children should go and DH can deal with them like you had to. Enjoy a quiet weekend and replenish your batteries.

Hutchy16 · 11/04/2022 16:38

Not unreasonable, but honestly for the sake of one weekend, I would just suck it up.

Drinkingallthewine · 11/04/2022 16:44

My DP does weddings and funerals. That's it. Individually he likes my family but all at once is too much for the poor man!
So any other weekend meetups me and DS go on our own and everyone is happy.

user1471428785 · 11/04/2022 16:56

This is exactly the same situation for me. I would see hell freeze over before I went on a group holiday type thing. Done once, never again. YANBU at all.

OurChristmasMiracle · 11/04/2022 17:00

Think of it as teaching your children that it is okay to decline an invite to a function they wouldn’t enjoy and have a nice day off for yourself- I’m pretty sure there’s a book/film/bath waiting for you undivided attention!

dane8 · 11/04/2022 17:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Pbbananabagel · 11/04/2022 17:25

Personally if it were me I’d probably suck it up… but book myself an ‘escape hatch’ like a spa treatment somewhere near the place or something and give yourself an opportunity to go and be good to yourself. Also, I’d push for me and my DH/kids to have separate accom so I had an actual place to run to. I’d sell it to my husband as “I’ll never have a better opportunity with everyone happily occupied.”

Original poster

TurnOffTheHeating · 12/04/2022 09:44

Thanks all - this has been very useful. Feeling less unreasonable for hating it and wanting to get out of it, but more wary of allowing our teenagers to go without my sober eye...
Especially delighted to hear of other people who escape in-law stuff despite having nothing against their in-laws....

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 12/04/2022 09:52

If your partner is ok with it, that's all that matters, don't go. I'm impressed that there isn't any massive fallouts, I couldn't be drunk for days around my family.

Cherrysoup · 12/04/2022 09:58

My DH never comes to family stuff, he’s an introvert and they’re all loud. He is silent the whole time he’s with them, so I’ve given up asking him to come.

maddening · 12/04/2022 10:00

My dh is an introvert, poss asd (undiagnosed) and gets stressed at even the thought of a family event, he likes my family, when he does attend does enjoy himself but feels exhausted afterwards. He has decided to step back from most family events, my family do understand, I have reassured them it is him not them.

I prefer to enjoy my family without dealing with a stressed out dh, it is much easier all round imo.

Vsirbdo · 12/04/2022 10:02

To be honest I’d expect my DH to suck it up in the opposite situation and my family would be offended if DH chose not to go. I find big family meet ups with my in laws quite difficult as the dynamics can be tricky but they’re my family now too so I see it as part of that

SeasonFinale · 12/04/2022 10:03

If they are teenagers surely they won't need as much "care" as such?

JustLyra · 12/04/2022 10:07

Where do you stay when you go?

Could you have a compromise?

DH has a weekend every year with friends. I go to one of the days and the other I stay in the hotel for a swim etc

rookiemere · 12/04/2022 10:09

Can you go and stay in a place with just your family and opt out of the evening drunk bits
?
What age are the DCs

Itsbackagain · 12/04/2022 10:19

Does your DH want you to go - if it was your family and he didn't want to go would he still go if you wanted him to? If the answers yes, for one weekend a year I would go. If no, then don't go. It's all about compromise in my eyes. It's two days.

PermanentTemporary · 12/04/2022 10:19

I would probably go and hate it because I'm not very assertive. I'm incredibly relieved that family holidays with my in-laws no longer happen. And the in-laws are lovely people, the problem is much more me than them but I would so much prefer it if they got on with it without me.

I think the barrier is that you don't want them to think less of you. You can't really control what they think. Honestly, if you can do better than me and realise that actually this trip doesn't make you a good or bad person, just wave them off knowing you've done your stint. I wouldn't worry too much about the teenagers except that they will probably want to drop out too?

GodspeedJune · 12/04/2022 10:23

You must be a saint to have kept going for as long as you have. Definitely NBU to opt out, at least some of the times they go.

It’s good to miss some events otherwise there’s an expectation that you’ll always be there.

billy1966 · 12/04/2022 10:28

It sounds absolutely hellish.

One night perhaps but 3!!

You are a saint to have done this for decades.

I certainly wouldn't have wanted my children around that either. Do they actually enjoy seeing the the adults in their family pissed for a whole weekend?

I certainly wouldn't blame you if you bail and your husband has to parent rather than get pissed for 3 days.

LimeSegment · 12/04/2022 10:38

I'd skip it for sure. I like my in laws but I also like peace and quiet and it's the perfect opportunity to relax at home.

If it was my family I'd tell my DH to skip it. It would be boring for him and more fun for me without him as I could really focus on my family, and relax and not worry - is he bored, is he doing too much cooking, is he trapped in a convo with old uncle so and so, etc.

Flickflak · 12/04/2022 10:52

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TillyTopper · 12/04/2022 11:02

My DP has a big family and they like lots of get togethers, joint meals, days out etc. I opt out most of them. I find them quite boring - it's all drink and football. DP would also opts out of many things but will something go. I go even less - I just engineer a clash or say I've had a really busy week at work or say I've got a work trip next week (pre-CV19). I wouldn't worry about leaving the kids with him - he's their parent too.

TeaKlaxon · 12/04/2022 11:22

Different perspective here...I think it sort of depends on what your DH thinks.

Family things can be important in different ways, and you are part of his family. Maybe he'd be totally fine if you want to give it a miss, in which case great. But maybe actually he sees you being there as an important part of what makes the weekend.

If that were the case then I think you should consider carefully. If there is no particular animosity with his family, and it's just a weekend, and if the only thing that is problematic is them drinking too much and being loud (as opposed to inappropriate behaviour etc), then I think you should probably suck it up.

It also slightly depends on whether DH is also willing to participate in whatever your own family traditions might be, if you have them. If you don't have any, then that's not his fault. If you do have them and he willingly participates, then I think you should do the same. If you do have them and he doesn't participate, then you have much stronger basis not to participate in his family traditions.

The other angle is your DC - I know everyone is being ever so judgey about the idea of teenagers being around drunk adults for a weekend. Again, assuming behaviour remains good natured, reasonable and appropriate, a weekend around drunk adults isn't going to hurt them. And actually can be part of memory making - hanging out with cousins, aunts, uncles in a relaxed atmosphere for a weekend may well be something they enjoy and will remember fondly. I certainly have fond memories of extended family gatherings when I was younger where aunts and uncles would be tipsy - fond memories of singsongs, playing with cousins etc.

Ozanj · 12/04/2022 11:25

As long as you don’t mind it if your DH opted out of stuff with your family.

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