All I want is to become a mother and thinking of doing it purposely alone.

[Stanzasranza]

I've name changed for this as it may have the potential to be outing. I know this post is going to be more a ramble but it's absorbing all of my thoughts at the moment that seem to be going in all directions - maybe writing it down will help?!

I'm 28 and left a LTR last year as essentially he was a manchild, cocklodger and I developed the ick. We were planning on starting a family this year as I worked out the maths that I could afford to bring a child into the world (I paid for all of the mortgage/bills as it was while he was meant to be concentrating on clearing his debts... that only increased!)

In an ideal world I would have got out of that relationship and the perfect man would have fallen into my lap but that might actually take years.. or may never happen!

Deep down all I want is to become a mum, I really don't care about being a wife and the reason I work so bloody hard is to my future child/ren will have a better life than me. I've been broody since I was 15, i'm the crazy aunt who volunteers for all childcare, I'm a volunteer for a youth organisation, worked as an au pair x3, I've planned the garden four years ago for where the swingset will go and that where I live has good schools... (It's not just a 'I think babies are cute and i'm a bit bored with life...')

A family member has recently announced she's pregnant (She's a good mum but in her early twenties, second child, lives in a one bed flat and doesn't stand a chance of moving out unless the council classes her as overcrowded) and everyone is understandably excited but I can't help but feel bitter.

A couple of months ago I was feeling really down as this was meant to be the year and it seems years away. Out of curiosity I googled sperm donation and now I can't seem to shift it out of my mind that it's a good idea. Financially i'm somewhat secured, I have a good career, I'm on the property ladder, I'm an independent person that being alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely, and I have a large enough family that the child won't be short of love.

Obviously the massive downside is that my child wouldn't have a conventional upbringing but surely it's better to be a donor child than having a 'dad' thats half arsed and done a disappearing act or caught between solicitors as i've married someone that I wasn't compatible with?

As i'm obsessed (there's no over way to explain it and i'm usually a sane person) with falling pregnant I don't even feel like I can date properly. I seem to have a mental checklist of what i'm looking for and having an interview would be better suited than an actual date..

I've told myself to calm down, finish this career defining contract this year and next year to look more seriously into it.. but I've got the idea stuck in my head like it's a done deal.

Please feel free to talk me out of this or tell me that i'm bonkers... or even if you've got any advice as I've not got anything in real life yet.

I don't think you're bonkers. In your shoes I might have done the same, although perhaps a few years down the line. I would say, though, that at 28 you do still have time to meet the right person.

Do you have a supportive network of family nearby? That would make a huge difference.

I ended a ten year relationship at 27 and explored this option intensely. I felt like time was escaping me and I went to an initial consultation just before turning 28 and put my name on the waiting list for donor sperm.

It took eight months to reach the top of the list. By then I was engaged to my now DH. Once the right one came along, I realised time wasn’t as big an issue. I’m now 32 and we’ve got married, bought a bigger house, taken my DSD on two amazing holidays and we’re now TTC. (I wish we’d travelled more but COVID has other plans!)

The right one might still turn up unexpectedly. If my DH hadn’t come along, I’d have absolutely gone through with using a donor. The waiting list will be long anyway, there’s no harm in looking into it as an option.

I don't think it's a crazy idea but 28 is quite young to give up on finding a suitable man to share parenting with. Having said that, if you genuinely aren't bothered about having a partner or co-parent (rather than just a temporary feeling after moving on from a recent bad relationship) then it may be fairer to go it alone.

A few things to consider though

1. How financially secure are you really? Have you checked the price of a full time nursery place in your area? Do you have this amount of money spare every month after all your usual bills?
2. Do you have a good support network with family or friends? Having a child is a 24/7 responsibility so it will really help if you have people in your life who can provide practical and moral support if you need it.
3. What are your plans for sperm donation? At some point your child will ask questions about their 'Dad'

Quite reasonable on your part. Its really, really difficult to get a boyfriend now, never mind a husband. I think you have to plan your life around that being a bonus, not the essential that previous generations had.

I've made a mum friend who used a sperm donor because she wanted a baby without a relationship. She's a fantastic mum, she's definitely not over 30 but I've never asked. I think it sounds like a solid plan if you're confident you can be a single parent

Things to think about; childcare, who will do this, how is it compatible with your work, could your job change meaning you'll ever have to work anti-social hours.
Can you take time off to look after a sick child? From 12 months to 4/5 years most children get ill with various fevers/ chickenpox et so will require sometime at home recuperating.
What happens if you get ill? Obviously lots of parents do muddle through because they have to, but gawd I remember a mega wisdom tooth flair up whilst DH was working overseas, and looking after a baby and toddler was just grim!
If you have parents on hand to help, then go for it, but if you are completely alone, it's definitely not a walk in the park!

At 28 you still have a few years to make a decision about going it alone.

If I was in your position I would wait until I was at least 30 and use the intervening years to build up my career, down pay the mortgage and save a decent rainy day fund and whilst doing so I would throw myself into dating but be selective and bin anyone who wasn’t looking for long term commitment and family within the next couple of years. Then if I didn’t find anyone I would only then look further into sperm donation and going it alone.

“it's better to be a donor child than having a 'dad' thats half arsed and done a disappearing act or caught between solicitors as i've married someone that I wasn't compatible with?”

Those aren’t the only two options though OP. You’ve ended a LTR, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find Mr Right.

I was with my ex for 4 years. I met my husband on a dating site, he was my first ever online date, I was 26 at the time - now married with a baby on the way.

You’re still so young, you have got time to find the right man and start a family x

Not Bonkers but personally i would have a plan for support for first couple of months.
Either family and/or night nanny.

I have a 6 week old and the short respite breaks keep me sane 🤪

Personally I would (and did) wait.

Married at 28 (8 year relationship), left H at 31 (after a lot of mental and financial abuse), met DP at 32 (1 month off 33), now expecting DC1 at 35 (will be 36 when born).

Give yourself some time (and a break). Time is not running out, don't let anyone tell you that! I only really found out what I wanted after leaving my exH. It took me awhile to find my feet again and feel confident.

I did the same as you, got out of a LTR and instantly looked at fertility treatments, but honestly take a step back. I'm not saying don't go for it, just take a breather first.

My BBF went for IUI alone and she found it super tough despite being amazingly independent. She mc her first "go" and struggled, I was thankful I had my partner when we sadly suffered a mmc.

I give yourself a year or two first :)

Not crazy, but I'd give it a couple of years yet.

Your post centres you and your needs. What about the child that might be born? How might they feel about growing up without a father and not knowing who their father is? You say it is better to be a donor child than to have a half arsed dad. What do you base that on? IME children particularly teens need to know where they come from in order to be sure about their own identity.

Many single mothers do raise balanced children successfully - but this is easier if the mother has money.
Will you be financially well off enough to support your child?
If you are working what will you do on the days your child can not go to nursery? Do you have reliable, on call, child care on tap?
Can you afford an au pair? A nanny?

What would happen to your child if you became incapacitated? Died?

I think you need a therapy, not a baby. You are not even 30, it doesn't make any sense to rush into this undoubtedly hard (for both you and a baby) life. You have plenty of time to meet someone who can be a good partner and a father

My best friend toyed with using a donor. A bit of encouragement for her to research it to work it all out and give her time to work out finances was all she needed. She is 42 now with a beautiful one year old. It’s the best thing she has ever done!

Thank you all!

I was expecting to be told that i'm completely bonkers (the only people i've known to do it alone are the ones that 'forgot' to take the pill) and the majority of my close friends are career driven/wanting to wait years before going down this path...

It's given me a lot to ponder (I didn't really consider the importance of family support) as I can afford 1x nursery fees without dipping into savings - if I had twins right now I'd be royally draining the savings pot over the next few years.

I also didn't consider that there's a waiting list for SD as I thought as it's quite expensive they'd be wanting to get as many tubes sold as possible. If I do go down this route i'm thinking of going abroad to get more 'choice' (able to look at photos/more specific information on the donor) but that's a year away at least.

As for continuing on the dating scene I feel like I can't help but be open with my plan as it just seems to have absorbed who I am as a person. With my ex I came off contraception (I knew I couldn't trust myself to reliably take the pill) and passed the responsibility onto him. Each time we DTD I prayed that the condom would fail or feel down when my period came. Before I got the ick I started to resent DTD as there was only one reason why I wanted to do it.

Sorry i'm now using this a safe space to offload and hash out thoughts.

At 28 I think you’re insane- I couldn’t imagine chosen to make life difficult for yourself when you have time

I did this (ended up with twins at 30). It was hard going 7 failed attempts and a few complications but worth it.
I always spoke to them about conception etc so it was never a big secret, and therefore it's never been a big issue. Think carefully about where you get the treatment /sperm from, I was very adamant that it needed to be uk based so that it's traceable when they're older if they want.
Also mine do have a few chronic illnesses so think hard about how you'd cope, for me it meant going part time in order to facilitate medical care and have an income. I wouldn't change it though.
I actually managed OK when tiny because I didn't have to think about anyone but Dc and me.
You'll have to have conuncelling as part of the process which should help, you may also have a wait for sperm donations so get on the list ASAP (you can always slow the process down or stop if you need to).

Not crazy at all, but like PPs say, I'd wait a bit since 28 is very young. I think you've got another decade at least before time is actually running out. BUT if you know you want to have a baby, I'd start planning and saving now to have one alone - no harm in getting prepared.

I felt the same as you at 28 (and from 15). I am personally very glad I waited and found the right person to have kids with. If you were late 30s I'd say go for it though.

I don't think it's crazy to consider this option. Yes, you are young and might meet a great guy soon, but on the other hand you might not. It's good to explore options.

There is the possibility you will meet someone wonderful to have a child with. There is also the possibility that you will meet someone you think is wonderful, and you will have children, then you might discover they are not wonderful and have to go through separation/divorce. There are simply no guarantees.

I had a child with the wrong partner. I will never regret having my child because she's great, but I wish to the bottom of my heart I weren't tied to her dad for many more years as a co-parent (we are now divorced). And I know I rushed into the relationship partly because I wanted children and had left it quite late.

OTOH now that I am too old to have further children, I've relaxed and my approach to dating has actually worked out a lot better and I've found a lovely new partner and we have a great dynamic between us. Removing the pressure to have kids from the relationship has really worked much better for me. Could be different for you.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

From personal experience I totally understand your urgency and thought process. As others have said, you really have got time on your side to find someone.

I know that some women choose to freeze their eggs when they're younger as an 'insurance' so if Mr Right doesn't fall in your lap then you have the option available.

Not bonkers at all. Good on you for planning and actioning what's good for you. Only you know what is best for yourself.
Do more research, go to open evenings and talk to someone who have experience on this. These things take time, by the time you will have a child you will be 29,30.

Don’t think you’re bonkers at all. I do think you’re much younger than you realise. I am childfree but I did sorta debate it when I met my partner at 39, my sister had hers at 38 & 41. I have a friend who had her first donor baby at 42 and second at 45.

Why not start with a fertility check-up to see if there’s a reason to rush? While that’s all going on put some real effort into meeting someone, either online or get a friend to be your wing-woman and go out loads.

Whatever you decide, I think it’s great you know what you want (and what you don’t re:partners). That sort of clarity is invaluable for decision making and ending up happy.

Good luck x

Doing childcare for nieces, friends’ children is different to having your own child. It’s really tough going and even though you know everyone says it’s tough you really don’t fully know until you experience it. Having a partner to give breaks and share the load really helps.

Fair enough if you were late 30s but at your age there really is time. Get your fertility checked out to see everything is good if you’re worried as that might reassure you.

You're not bonkers at all, it's totally normal to have those urges. I was the same but met DP and had a baby at 34 but I was seriously considering the same.

You have some luxury of time so research everything. I read a good book called Choosing Single Motherhood (can't remember author) and looked into various options like co-parenting matching websites, IVF with donor sperm, adoption etc.

Have plan b in the back of your mind and a cut off age but don't stop dating. I met my DP when I least expected it and feel so blessed.

Wishing you all the luck in the world x