All I want is to become a mother and thinking of doing it purposely alone.

[Stanzasranza]

I've name changed for this as it may have the potential to be outing. I know this post is going to be more a ramble but it's absorbing all of my thoughts at the moment that seem to be going in all directions - maybe writing it down will help?!

I'm 28 and left a LTR last year as essentially he was a manchild, cocklodger and I developed the ick. We were planning on starting a family this year as I worked out the maths that I could afford to bring a child into the world (I paid for all of the mortgage/bills as it was while he was meant to be concentrating on clearing his debts... that only increased!)

In an ideal world I would have got out of that relationship and the perfect man would have fallen into my lap but that might actually take years.. or may never happen!

Deep down all I want is to become a mum, I really don't care about being a wife and the reason I work so bloody hard is to my future child/ren will have a better life than me. I've been broody since I was 15, i'm the crazy aunt who volunteers for all childcare, I'm a volunteer for a youth organisation, worked as an au pair x3, I've planned the garden four years ago for where the swingset will go and that where I live has good schools... (It's not just a 'I think babies are cute and i'm a bit bored with life...')

A family member has recently announced she's pregnant (She's a good mum but in her early twenties, second child, lives in a one bed flat and doesn't stand a chance of moving out unless the council classes her as overcrowded) and everyone is understandably excited but I can't help but feel bitter.

A couple of months ago I was feeling really down as this was meant to be the year and it seems years away. Out of curiosity I googled sperm donation and now I can't seem to shift it out of my mind that it's a good idea. Financially i'm somewhat secured, I have a good career, I'm on the property ladder, I'm an independent person that being alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely, and I have a large enough family that the child won't be short of love.

Obviously the massive downside is that my child wouldn't have a conventional upbringing but surely it's better to be a donor child than having a 'dad' thats half arsed and done a disappearing act or caught between solicitors as i've married someone that I wasn't compatible with?

As i'm obsessed (there's no over way to explain it and i'm usually a sane person) with falling pregnant I don't even feel like I can date properly. I seem to have a mental checklist of what i'm looking for and having an interview would be better suited than an actual date..

I've told myself to calm down, finish this career defining contract this year and next year to look more seriously into it.. but I've got the idea stuck in my head like it's a done deal.

Please feel free to talk me out of this or tell me that i'm bonkers... or even if you've got any advice as I've not got anything in real life yet.

I'm going to be the dissenter here and say it's incredibly selfish to go down this route deliberately

Just because you don't want or need a father for your children doesn't mean that your child doesn't want or need a father

Having a child is not a right. It's not the latest accessory - that just because you want one that means you should have one

For peace of mind you can get a fertility check up/MOT type thing at a private fertility clinic. It will give you an idea of your timescale.

It's not crazy. I have a close friend who has just had a beautiful little boy through this route. She is mid 30s.

I would advise:
Checking your fertility atm. If you are not on hormonal contraception, do you have regular cycles? Are you ovulating? Healthy bodyweight? Consider private assessment of fertility. Costs approx £500.
Consider how much you could spend conceiving. Sperm is about £400 a go. Insemination is approx £500 a round in our area. IUI more expensive (1£k a go) and IVF very expensive (6k a go).
Check donor laws in different countries and where you'd want sperm to come from for that reason.

Meant to say that like others I'd wait a bit longer

I think you should wait before you decide this. You say no father is better than a dead beat one but really the answer to that is to not have a child with a dead beat man. Of course there's never 100% guarantee but take the time to get to know someone properly and you stand a good chance.
Every child needs as many people around them that love them as possible and not only are you taking away their chance of a father but also of paternal grandparents and potentially aunts, uncles and cousins as well. Personally I wouldn't give up on the traditional route just yet.

If I were you I’d spend the next two years having the absolute best time. I mean it seriously - do every single hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Start writing that novel. Take that course. Do a last minute trip away. Make a diary about it all. Go out with the right people, say yes, make new friends, have therapy and become the person you’ve always wanted to be.
If you haven’t met someone in 2 years when you’re 30 and have been doing all of that, then start the process of doing it yourself.

Do all the things that will be pretty much impossible when you have kids, especially as a single mum. It’s the toughest thing I’ve ever done and that’s with a husband! I’ve also been broody since my teenage years and was always made fun of about it. What gets me through the really, really tough days now? Looking back at all the incredible things I did and can probably never do again. And the fact I know this is something I said I always wanted.

Seems like a perfectly reasonable idea really, if you feel it's stopping you from dating because you're too focussed on the father role, not the partner. Having said that, you're still plenty young enough to find someone and have kids. They're certainly not all useless and it's hard enough looking after a baby with two adults. You'll obviously adapt and adjust your routines if you have no one else, so you won't know any different. The hardest part of parenting is actually going back to work after maternity leave, and then seeing them go off to school, and you feel like you've barely got to know them before they're gone, and then all they talk about is what games their friends have!

Omg you’re only 28! Definitely just relax, focus on career and yourself and give it a few more years! As someone bought up by my mum alone, and being intensely jealous and sad about all the happy families I saw around me, I’m not sure I would on purpose not give my future baby a father. I know that sometimes life gets in the way, but I remember being overwhelmingly sad at the end of Disney movies where they would have that ad with the happy family in the hot air balloon, knowing I didn’t have that. I just wouldn’t do it to a child on purpose unless it was truly last chance saloon on the biological clock.

I met DH at 28 and had my daughter at 33. And that was after a miscarriage. Solo parenting is really fucking hard work(DH sadly passed away when DD was 2) - don't do it unless you absolutely have to.

If you were 40 I'd say go for it. At 28, you have a good decade ahead of you to find a decent partner and have a child. If I was you I'd start dating and take it seriously as in don't fall for guys who are losers or unreliable. Keep your eye on your goal and make sensible choices rather than allowing yourself to fall for unsuitable ones.

@workingmomlife

I'm going to be the dissenter here and say it's incredibly selfish to go down this route deliberately

Just because you don't want or need a father for your children doesn't mean that your child doesn't want or need a father

Having a child is not a right. It's not the latest accessory - that just because you want one that means you should have one

Do you feel the same about same sex couples using donors?

Do a fertility check up - this should only be a few hundred to do privately. They do a scan of your ovaries and uterus and a blood test.

I think if you don't have any health issues then wait a few years and see if you find someone.

In the meantime, I would date aggressively. Go out on dates and be absolutely upfront about wanting kids soon and be completely ruthless. Ask them - Do they want kids in the next few years? If they say anything other than "yes that would be wonderful!" move on! Date older men too, young men piss about more often.

28 you still have time
I could I’ll set stand you feeling like this in day 5 years time
When you are say 33 and about to hit a big decline in fertility

When I was in my mid twenties I decided on going down a similar route - I set a date on it (33 or so) and decided I’d save and plan around that. Everything did feel easier when I’d decided on my Plan B, it felt like taking back control.
As it happened, I am married with DC but I would absolutely have done it if it had come to it.

@BiscuitLover3678

If I were you I’d spend the next two years having the absolute best time. I mean it seriously - do every single hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Start writing that novel. Take that course. Do a last minute trip away. Make a diary about it all. Go out with the right people, say yes, make new friends, have therapy and become the person you’ve always wanted to be. If you haven’t met someone in 2 years when you’re 30 and have been doing all of that, then start the process of doing it yourself.

Do all the things that will be pretty much impossible when you have kids, especially as a single mum. It’s the toughest thing I’ve ever done and that’s with a husband! I’ve also been broody since my teenage years and was always made fun of about it. What gets me through the really, really tough days now? Looking back at all the incredible things I did and can probably never do again. And the fact I know this is something I said I always wanted.

I think this is a really good idea.

If I were you Op I’d make a list of all the things you have to do before going down this route with the aim of the checklist taking 2 years or so. If it were me I’d include a savings goal and a plan on what I wanted to have repaid on the mortgage (but I’m like that..). It would also include things like going on a photography course, going on x holidays abroad, taking a wine course. Tick them off, then go for it with no regrets.

I don't think you're bonkers.
You want to have and raise a child, you can afford it, you are doing more planning than a lot of people!

You need to decentre yourself, as someone said. Research into the needs and perspectives of donor-conceived adults and teens. You will find that most do not agree with anonymous donation and that the connection to biological family and to know their origins is important, as should be obvious. In other words, you should be prepared that they will want to find out more and maybe meet their sperm donor. I’m an adoptive parent and there has been a similar reckoning in the adoptive world. The difference being that with an adoption the child already exists, and you are trying to make the best out of a not-ideal situation rather than create a not-ideal situation by choice.

The benefit of planning for being a single mother by choice is that you won’t rush into an unsuitable relationship just to have a family. I’d say wait until you are 35, but have everything in place so that you can go ahead at that time.

Freeze embryos created with donor sperm and wait several more years. A lot of doors close for a long time when you have a baby.

OP, I was you.(HRTWT) I was desperate . My whole purpose as a human depended on becoming a mother. I was (am) in a career that peaks and plateaus in the mid 30s. All I wanted was children. I was largely single in my 20s and early 30s. I’d made a decision that if I wasn’t pregnant or in a solid relationship by 35 I’d be going down the donor route. I stopped going to weddings because they were just a step to everything I wanted and didn’t have. I cried for 3 days when you get DB got engaged because he was going to have kids before me. I avoided babies, I avoided pregnant people. I was utterly miserable. At 34 and 11 1/2 months I was pregnant. It wasn’t planned. The father is now DH. Fuck, it’s been hard. But right now (and we are 12 years down the line) I don’t think I could be happier. At 28 you have time. But if you really can’t edit, just go for it. Life has no guarantees, you can’t guarantee you’ll meet someone, you can’t guarantee that even if you do it will last. You do seem to have thought this through. Good luck!

I would think wait for a few more years. I'd get a fertility check to see if there is any reason to rush. Chances are you have at least 10 if not closer to 15 years of good fertility ahead, plenty of time. Like pp I didn't have a dad in my life, no my childhood wasn't the worst but I was v jealous at times.

At 28 you are still very young.

If you want to try and maximise the chances of having children later and you have the funds, you could look into freezing your eggs or even freezing embryos made with donor sperm. At 28, assuming you have no fertility issues, you'd probably have a much better chance of success than if you did it at 38 because you were still single.

Then you could wait another 10 years or more and use the frozen embryos if you haven't met a man and had children by then.

Of course if you want a baby right now, then crack on. But although I would much rather have had my son as a single mother than not had him at all, the early years with a baby are incredibly hard work and it is much easier with a supportive partner by your side.

Sorry OP I do think you're a bit bonkers. You're 28. I could sort of understand if you were 40 but at 28 you really should not be considering intentionally bringing a child into the world who will never know their father. And worse than that you wont even know the father to be able to tell them about him. It's cruel.

Instead you should pour your energies night and day into finding a partner. Approach it like you have planning for your child. You need to find serious men who want a family. Try the expensive paid for dating sites (eg. eHarmony). Be upfront about your desire for family life and ruthless about weeding out time wasters. And then date like your life depends on it.

I think it's potentially a great idea. But to agree with other posters I wouldn't be thinking this way at 28. I would do if I was 33 or 34 though.
You still have time to meet someone you just don't know.

I think that waiting until your mid-30s (after a fertility check) would be sensible. Whilst having a family alone is possible, having someone to help (e.g. if you're ill, your child is ill or has additional needs) would make life much easier.