DS (17) has lost ambition for the future now he has a girlfriend. How best to handle?

Rightlessmore · 2022-04-11T07:14:07+00:00

DS is year 12. At the start of the year he was really enthusiastic, told me he was going to work really hard to get the high grades he needs to get into University etc. He’s been going out with his girlfriend since last summer. She doesn’t want to go to university and wants to get a job after school. Gradually since the start of A’levels DS has become less and less interested in his future, he’s completely unwilling to discuss what he wants to do after school. He does enough at school but absolutely no more. He’s naturally very clever and gets away with it, but is capable of amazing results with a bit more effort. I like his girlfriend and we’re very welcoming, but really don’t want her influencing him too much and limiting his future choices, which I fear is happening. I really don’t know the best way to handle this[confused] Has anyone else been in this situation and can give me some advice?

Hankunamatata · 11/04/2022 09:31

Can you put it in terms about his future earning potential? Take him to some uni open days?

Original poster

Rightlessmore · 11/04/2022 10:23

Thanks for the suggestions. We have pointed out the future earning potential especially because the graduates from the course he was intending to do are in demand, but it’s done nothing to motivate him.
Also getting him to actually read the course specifications to decide what universities he wants to visit is nigh on impossible.

OP posts:

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 11/04/2022 10:24

YABU - it's his life.

HollieD31 · 11/04/2022 10:27

I don't know how to open his eyes but please do! I made that mistake.Lost focus didn't finish uni.Now I have a good job (average, nothing like the academic success would have given me ) .
Sadly when you were young the instant gratification often overshadows our long term goals.

TonyBlairsLover · 11/04/2022 10:30

Uni isn’t everything, and tbh it seems more like a con. Anyways just make sure he’s aware that the relationship most likely won’t last and he should put himself first

TonyBlairsLover · 11/04/2022 10:30

@Rightlessmore what course did he want to do?

VIPNanny · 11/04/2022 11:25

What were his initial motivation for going to Uni? And what are your motivations for pushing him towards Uni vs letting him work first? I ask because Uni is needed for certain field but not at all for others and I would say nowadays doesn’t actually lead to a much higher employment or wage rate for a lot of profession due to how common it now is to have a degree.

hellsbells99 · 11/04/2022 11:32

Look at some apprenticeships with him as another option - but look at ones that want decent A level grades so he still has an incentive to do well. Then persuade him to apply for good apprenticeships for after A levels as well as applying for university - keeping all options open with no decisions needed until A level results.

Boood · 11/04/2022 11:41

Would it work to call his bluff? Start talking to him about what his options would be if he stayed put and found a job or apprenticeship near home instead. Dig up a few boring, dead-end prospects and be really enthusiastic about them. Emphasise how proud you are that he’s being sensible and realistic rather than chasing pipe dreams. Produce a plan showing how he could save all his salary for a mortgage deposit and be ready to have the first baby by the time he’s 23. Ask to meet the girlfriend’s parents as you’ll all be family soon.

Original poster

Rightlessmore · 11/04/2022 13:17

@Boood you could actually be onto something. He definitely does need a reality check.

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loopylindi · 11/04/2022 13:46

Also, show him how much flats, food, fuel actually cost and what % of his potential income that would be. Teenagers are motivated by money and not having enough to do what he wants might bring him up short

yoyo1234 · 11/04/2022 14:04

Watching this with interest as DS is going through a change of motivation (put politely....). No girlfriend/boyfriend involved that I know just a computer obsession.....

veronicagoldberg · 11/04/2022 14:05

@daimbarsatemydogsbone

YABU - it's his life.

Do you know what being a parent involves?

LampLighter414 · 11/04/2022 14:10

Go to uni. Get saddled with debt that you'll only ever pay off if super successful. Have to move away from family, friends, partner.

Or stay local, get a job, no student loan repayments and probably get your own place with your gf pretty quickly who you can sleep with all the time.

I can see the appeal.

What was he hoping to study and onwards career path? There may be similar options that do not involve university and debt. I have an accounting background and honestly if I knew any young people wanting to pursue similar I'd be telling them to get on school leave programmes/higher apprenticeships instead of degree followed by grad scheme. They will be far better off

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 11/04/2022 14:11

@Boood

Would it work to call his bluff? Start talking to him about what his options would be if he stayed put and found a job or apprenticeship near home instead. Dig up a few boring, dead-end prospects and be really enthusiastic about them. Emphasise how proud you are that he’s being sensible and realistic rather than chasing pipe dreams. Produce a plan showing how he could save all his salary for a mortgage deposit and be ready to have the first baby by the time he’s 23. Ask to meet the girlfriend’s parents as you’ll all be family soon.

I think it’s a bit off to lump apprenticeships in with dead end jobs tbh. There’s some rubbish ones out the for sure but there are some really very good apprenticeship options as a starting base to launch a career.

I do think rather than pushing uni, help him look at all the options available after uni also highlight that doing well in a levels now will give him more options whatever he decides to do (some apprenticeships are highly competitive so mediocre a levels won’t cut it) and good a levels will keep the door open for uni if he decides to go as a mature student at some point.

Fandangoes · 11/04/2022 14:18

have you looked at graduate apprenticeships with him? Could be a good compromise with him, he gets to work and earn a salary and also gets a degree at the end of it. If you can get him excited about that he might find his enthusiasm to try harder to get selected?

ronaldmcdonald123456 · 11/04/2022 14:19

@daimbarsatemydogsbone

YABU - it's his life.

Doesn't mean his mum should stand back and watch him waste his education and watch him actively harm his future.

wonderwoman26 · 11/04/2022 14:24

I think blaming his GF is a bit far given the limited amount of info you have given.

When i reached year 12 i realised i didnt want to go to UNI, not because of any relationship - but because i didnt actually like education. I would have hated going there and then coming out up to my eyeballs in debt, and still starting on a low - mid 20k job because post grad jobs are few and far between.

I instead got an apprenticeship, are are now 26 years old on a 35k job with much more earning potential. Just because he is indecisive about his future and career ( can you honestly say you knew what you wanted to do at his age? Cause i surely didnt) doesnt mean he will end up not using his potential.

There are more than one path to success, University is not the only way.

Hont1986 · 11/04/2022 14:33

"He’s naturally very clever and gets away with it, but is capable of amazing results with a bit more effort."

I hate to break it to you, but this is what literally everyone says about their mediocre children. Everyone can talk big, but the people who can walk the walk tend to actually do it, in my experience.

ikeepseeingit · 11/04/2022 14:48

@Boood

Would it work to call his bluff? Start talking to him about what his options would be if he stayed put and found a job or apprenticeship near home instead. Dig up a few boring, dead-end prospects and be really enthusiastic about them. Emphasise how proud you are that he’s being sensible and realistic rather than chasing pipe dreams. Produce a plan showing how he could save all his salary for a mortgage deposit and be ready to have the first baby by the time he’s 23. Ask to meet the girlfriend’s parents as you’ll all be family soon.

Comments like this baffle me. I'm 24, my husband had an apprenticeship at 17 we both saved as much as we could and bought a house at 22 together. Am I a failure because I knew what I wanted? We skipped over the whole expensive uni stage because it wasn't for us. I run my own business and he has a well-paying job in IT. How awful 🤣

Original poster

Rightlessmore · 11/04/2022 14:58

Thanks there’s some really interesting perspectives on this that I’d not considered. I don’t think there’s anything he wants to do an apprenticeship in but I do think it’s a brilliant scheme and would be encouraging it if there was.
I can see the downside of university but for what he wants to do (or did want to do) it would be a massive advantage.
I somehow need to have a friendly chat with him in a low key way to point out his options I think.

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Tulipblacksmith · 11/04/2022 15:03

This was me at 17! I was headstrong and no one was telling me what to do.

I had to live and learn. I’m still with my husband (our young love was intense) so at least that was a success.

Due to graduate at age 34 so I did get there in the end (after the marriage, 3 kids etc).

There’s nothing really to sort, he isn’t taking drugs or going off the rails. You’re just going to have to let him get on with it. Maybe Uni will not be his path. It’s not the be all and end all.

ikeepseeingit · 11/04/2022 15:06

@Rightlessmore

Thanks there’s some really interesting perspectives on this that I’d not considered. I don’t think there’s anything he wants to do an apprenticeship in but I do think it’s a brilliant scheme and would be encouraging it if there was. I can see the downside of university but for what he wants to do (or did want to do) it would be a massive advantage. I somehow need to have a friendly chat with him in a low key way to point out his options I think.

FWIW my brother didn't get the best A-level results, but he still went to uni and worked his way into a really good job role now in his 30s. I think a chat is a great idea and as long as he does 'well enough' in A-levels if he's determined in uni and at work, he'll be okay.

WeirdlyKind · 11/04/2022 15:11

He's 17. He has the rest of his life in front of him, and a degree isn't the be all and end all.

howrudeforme · 11/04/2022 15:18

A friend’s DD is like this. Was looking forward to uni but then met her first love in year 12. Didn’t go to uni but now works in a restaurant and is still very much in love. Her parents don’t seem to mind. I look at her and wonder if this is her ‘gap’ year.