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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS (17) has lost ambition for the future now he has a girlfriend. How best to handle?

59 replies

Rightlessmore · 11/04/2022 08:14

DS is year 12. At the start of the year he was really enthusiastic, told me he was going to work really hard to get the high grades he needs to get into University etc.
He’s been going out with his girlfriend since last summer. She doesn’t want to go to university and wants to get a job after school. Gradually since the start of A’levels DS has become less and less interested in his future, he’s completely unwilling to discuss what he wants to do after school. He does enough at school but absolutely no more. He’s naturally very clever and gets away with it, but is capable of amazing results with a bit more effort.
I like his girlfriend and we’re very welcoming, but really don’t want her influencing him too much and limiting his future choices, which I fear is happening.
I really don’t know the best way to handle thisConfused Has anyone else been in this situation and can give me some advice?

OP posts:
Trippingslippingx1 · 11/04/2022 15:21

My sisters and and I all did 5/6 years at all

We all ended up in debt
Could not afford a mortgage until our mid 30s
Being career woman made it impossible to continue relationships moving around all the time

Now we all live alone, have student debts ongoing, rent flats ongoing. But we do have degrees from the most prestigious universities in the most prestigious subjects.

I regret it and wish I had stayed with my school boyfriend, worked in superdrug and stayed close to family.

My friends who were as ‘smart’ as me stayed home, got jobs working locally and managed to save up. They all have gorgeous families, normal income and normal lives.

I am sorry but the projection of University is everything and the sign of drive and success is a complete nonsense. I tell people that who are getting stressed out about exams all the time. And we went to uni years ago when it was cheaper - it is worse now.

Also the amount of drugs, mental health issues and sexual assaults that take place is rife. I am really against University TBH and I can say that as someone who graduated from two top Universities (my sisters all did the same)

I would let him live his own life - hes probably being wise TBH

Trippingslippingx1 · 11/04/2022 15:23

@LampLighter414

Go to uni. Get saddled with debt that you'll only ever pay off if super successful. Have to move away from family, friends, partner.

Or stay local, get a job, no student loan repayments and probably get your own place with your gf pretty quickly who you can sleep with all the time.

I can see the appeal.

What was he hoping to study and onwards career path? There may be similar options that do not involve university and debt. I have an accounting background and honestly if I knew any young people wanting to pursue similar I'd be telling them to get on school leave programmes/higher apprenticeships instead of degree followed by grad scheme. They will be far better off

agree 100%
LampLighter414 · 11/04/2022 16:04

@Rightlessmore

Thanks there’s some really interesting perspectives on this that I’d not considered. I don’t think there’s anything he wants to do an apprenticeship in but I do think it’s a brilliant scheme and would be encouraging it if there was. I can see the downside of university but for what he wants to do (or did want to do) it would be a massive advantage. I somehow need to have a friendly chat with him in a low key way to point out his options I think.
Go on. What did he want to do? Will be a lot easier to suggest alternative training paths if there are any
hangrylady · 11/04/2022 16:04

@daimbarsatemydogsbone

YABU - it's his life.
Good parents don't just stand back and do nothing when a child is about to make a shit decision.
ronaldmcdonald123456 · 11/04/2022 16:16

Even if he wants to apply for an apprenticeship having good a levels helps.

CatsArePeople · 11/04/2022 16:37

He never "lost" his ambition, he never had it in the first place, and was just going with the flow. He's 17, of course he's not sure what he wants to do for the rest of his life. Uni isn't the only way. How about military? Or apprenticeship?

Idonea · 11/04/2022 16:37

It depends what he wants to do. If he wants to be a doctor, lawyer, surgeon etc... Sure, go to uni. If he was going to do 'business' or 'poetry' then he can possibly learn at home. Uni for educational enrichment and pleasure is only for the super wealthy these days. The rest of us have tougher choices to make.

If he just wants to work in McDonalds because she does, though, that's pretty shit and I hope he sees sense.

planetme · 11/04/2022 16:54

@Boood

Would it work to call his bluff? Start talking to him about what his options would be if he stayed put and found a job or apprenticeship near home instead. Dig up a few boring, dead-end prospects and be really enthusiastic about them. Emphasise how proud you are that he’s being sensible and realistic rather than chasing pipe dreams. Produce a plan showing how he could save all his salary for a mortgage deposit and be ready to have the first baby by the time he’s 23. Ask to meet the girlfriend’s parents as you’ll all be family soon.
This is genius🤣 I dread this happening to my kids, I see too many late teenagers get saddled with their first ever relationship and have their wings clipped. I want mine to live their lives.
DeathMetalMum · 11/04/2022 16:57

I personally wouldn't push him towards university unless he is 100% certain. I'm not sure he sounds ready. Not everyone is ready for university at 18. I went at 18 when tuition fees were 'only' 3k mainly because it was the next step. I had a great experience but part of me wishes I had waited, maybe picked a different course or considered other options. It's a lot more debt now if he's not 100% sure.

I'd be supporting and encouraging him to focus on his A-levels and do his best but not necessarily with his aim being university yet. Maybe a degree apprenticeship or even a 'gap' year working somewhere. Things may fizzle out with his girlfriend

Smartiepants79 · 11/04/2022 17:05

A degree is not the b all and end all BUT the decision to not do one must be made for the right reasons. There are of course lots of other excellent opportunities but it doesn’t really sound like he’s thought about any of them!
This is a bright child, who has previously expressed a desire to go to university. It is a serious concern that he appears to be jeopardising this possibility due to a teenage romance.

Tulipblacksmith · 11/04/2022 17:09

@Smartiepants79

I guess if he really wanted to go to University he would. Many bright kids under the age of 17 “express interest” in University. He is choosing to prioritise his girlfriend though. It might work out well? It also might not?

Guess that’s the hardest part of being a parent. Watching your children make mistakes (although it may not be a mistake).

Ultimately it’s up to him isn’t it? He’s a young adult making a choice.

I made that choice at 17 and deep down it wasn’t because I met (my now husband)…. I simply just didn’t want to go.

hihellohihello · 11/04/2022 17:14

Apprenticeships often offer degrees alongside working. So he could have both.

Lots of people do degrees later on. Lots of people are successful without a degree. Look at what he wants to do rather than what he doesn't want to do.

Mumdiva99 · 11/04/2022 17:18

I took a year out at 18 before Uni. Best thing I could have done. I was tired of studying and tired of school. I did some temping, I went away a few times, I actually got on a project at work which ended up starting my career after Uni.
I applied during my year out and went when I was ready.

We all make our own paths in life.

pizzacutterbun · 11/04/2022 17:59

Uni is a con unless it's something very specifically needed to enter his chosen career.

I quit A levels at 17 before I finished the course, recognises early on that earning my own money was much more appealing than being saddled with debt that will take forever to pay.

I did well. Work in IT with no formal qualifications and earn a decent salary with a tons of opportunity to earn more

Uni isn't the be all. You say his future, but what you mean is his educational future. He still has a future, this GF could be his long term success at life, she may be the mother of his children one day.

The key to life is happiness not uni

Dailyfailcanfeckoff · 11/04/2022 18:09

@Idonea

It depends what he wants to do. If he wants to be a doctor, lawyer, surgeon etc... Sure, go to uni. If he was going to do 'business' or 'poetry' then he can possibly learn at home. Uni for educational enrichment and pleasure is only for the super wealthy these days. The rest of us have tougher choices to make.

If he just wants to work in McDonalds because she does, though, that's pretty shit and I hope he sees sense.

McDonald’s is a decent employer. Ds has a part time job there- much better working conditions than my profession at the same level.

He’s 17 - there is no harm in him not going to uni if he’s unsure, the condition is that he does something like including working full time in McDonald’s if that’s the only job he can get. Which means he won’t have 5months holiday / year and will have to be responsible.
All positive attributes for succeeding at university when he’s worked out what he wants to do.

Stringervest · 11/04/2022 18:12

I think the main thing is that he does his best on his A Levels so he has the choice of going to uni later. Lots of people aren't clear headed about future plans at that age, but redoing his A Levels later would be a pain. DH didn't put the effort in for his GCSEs or A Levels and it's a huge regret of his because it has closed doors which have been complicated to reopen.

user1471443411 · 11/04/2022 18:14

Actually, if he's not sure what he wants to do, it might be best if he doesn't go to university now anyway. It would use up some of his student loan and may result in him dropping out. Surely it would be better for him to work for a few years and get a better idea of what he wants to do in the future, then maybe go to university as a mature student. He could always do an access course if he doesn't get the best grades this time round.

latetothefisting · 11/04/2022 18:17

Does he have a part time job? I know loads of MNers are against this but for me it was only when I got one that I realised a) how much work it was to earn a small amount of money, and how little that amount went, and b) how much I didn't want to be doing that job for the rest of my life.

Although that can backfire, I was working in a high street shop at the time and hated it, but I then got a job in a cinema and loved it, there were loads of teenagers working there and we had a right laugh! If I'd had the 2nd job first I probably would have been fine at the idea of staying there for a while!

ronaldmcdonald123456 · 11/04/2022 18:22

@latetothefisting I thought it was quite common for teens here to work PT from 16/17

Blossomtoes · 11/04/2022 18:30

I was the same as @Tulipblacksmith. I was 33 when I graduated.

I think it’s good that he’s questioning the academic conveyor belt and whether it will actually benefit him to accrue £50k debt. Obviously he needs to explore alternative options but I wouldn’t see it as the end of the world. I do wonder how many kids go to uni and end up with a pointless degree just to please their parents.

2bazookas · 11/04/2022 19:03

Stop pressuring about university choice. He can apply for university any time in the next few years. Preferably, not until he knows what he really wants to study. Or where. There's much to be said for being an older student.

What matters, is the run up to his A levels, doing enough work to get the best grades he can, so that he then has CHOICES about what to do with them. Try to get him and the GF to focus on that. Persuade them it's in his interest to get his head down for the next few months.

As soon as he finishes the exams, the pressure is off, let him stack shelves in Tesco or whatever dead end job he can get until it finally dawns.. he's bored. He doesn't want to do this all his life. But with A levels under his belt he has other options; university or some other trained career path.

Once they both start working for a living, they'll soon grasp the dullness and limitations of boredom, lack of challenge, low pay etc. So please be all ready to explain that as a working adult, he needs to contribute to household expenses, pay for his own phone, do his own laundry etc.

Tulipblacksmith · 11/04/2022 19:20

@Blossomtoes

Having worked in my local (Russell) Uni in their wellbeing department there is a staggering amount of young people who are simply there just to please their parents, completing degrees that they are not that interested in. The degree I chose at aged 30 was miles away from the choice I had in mind at 17.

Genevieva · 11/04/2022 19:32

Tell him that if he wants to keep his girlfriend he needs to continue to be a good catch. If he flunks his exams and ends up in a miserable dead end job her eyes are more likely to be turned by someone with brighter prospects of a more comfortable adult life.

Weatherwithme · 11/04/2022 19:33

I think alot of boys take year 12 ‘off’ after the insane pressure of gcse. Get into socialising. Do enough to get by. Many then pull it out the bag in second half of year 13. My DS1 attitude was Year 12 exams ‘didn’t count’ so he didn’t have to work that hard. He’s a bright last minute reviser and did well in the end. If he is doing fine at school and naturally very able then I wouldn’t worry too much at this stage or assume he won’t get the grades. If it wasn’t a gf it could be parties / drinking / weed etc. There are lots of distractions at that age and their brains almost seem to work against them experimenting and making what seem like foolish decisions. Chat to the teachers if they aren’t worried and he is doing well in class and doing homework I would back off about ‘the future’. The school will be covering all that anyway. I think this is fairly typical year 12 boy behaviour having had 2 who came out the other side unscathed.

pizzacutterbun · 11/04/2022 20:23

@Genevieva

Tell him that if he wants to keep his girlfriend he needs to continue to be a good catch. If he flunks his exams and ends up in a miserable dead end job her eyes are more likely to be turned by someone with brighter prospects of a more comfortable adult life.
Worst advice I've ever seen on MN

Yeah make him feel like utter shit with a threat his GF will leave him for a man with more money. Top parenting 👍