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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not wanting my cousin in a family member's wedding

53 replies

LadyHeineken · 10/04/2022 21:12

First time posting.
This is post might be triggering, and I apologise for that, just really looking after some advise.

A very close member of my family is getting married in the next year. All invites are being sent, and I found out by my mom that a cousin of mine, who was acused (but not judged due to lack of evidence) of molesting his own child and whom groomed me and tried the same with me when I was 15, has been invited to the Wedding.
I was in shock and told my mom I could not bring myself to come, because I'm still traumatised, and now more than any other time I am concerned, as I am not pregnant and just don't want to take my child, or my partner, to close vicinity of someone who harmed me so much in the past.
Mom says I have to deal with it, she also says she can't understand how a 15 year old fell for his grooming, as at the end of the day I 'already knew right from wrong'.
Not many people in my family know this happened with me, most only know that he abused his daughter. However my sister knows, my mom knows, and so does this close family member... but somehow they thought it was a good idea to invite him.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I overeacting?
I've been losing sleep since I found out. I known he won't touch me, but just the thought of seeing him face to face is making me feel sick, and I have played around with the idea of putting a civil charge against him (but his mom is as close as a grandmother to me, so I am not sure I really want to drag her through this, now that 16 years have passed since his last try [because I cut contact and he left the country]). It plagues me that he will meet my child and my partner... and because he is a direct cousin, people will be wondering why I am not speaking to him, and why I didn't introduce him to my partner...

Just shattered!

Anyway, I am sorry if this triggered any of you, I am just literally losing my sleep thinking of this, which is not helpful.

I am not sure bringing this up with my sister and the girl that is getting married will help... knowing them, they will just say to deal with it...

Should I just?
Deal with it?

OP posts:

Momijin · 10/04/2022 21:18

Wtf?? I would distance myself from the lot of them! He abused his own daughter, your mum is telling you that you should have known better despite being groomed at 15??? Definitely don't go and kick up a fuss. Make sure that they all know what he's like

ITakeCharge · 10/04/2022 21:20

I would deal with it by not attending the wedding. You can't control who they choose to invite you can only control whether you go to it or not and in this situation I wouldn't. I realize that's awkward if the person getting married is a sibling, but that's their problem not yours. You said they know about it so they either don't really believe it or they don't care about upsetting you. It sounds like your mum and sister are unsupportive, so sorry to hear that.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/04/2022 21:23

Just dont go. You're an adult. 'I am unable to attend' should cover it.

Merryoldgoat · 10/04/2022 21:23

I would honestly have to remove myself from that family. Imagine a mother blaming her daughter for that.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/04/2022 21:24

I meant to say youre an adult so no one can make you.

MermaidSwimming · 10/04/2022 21:24

I would sent a note to the bride and groom and explain why you cannot attend, wish them well and sent a card if you want to

SilverHairedCat · 10/04/2022 21:25

Ah, but the way to deal with it is not to go.

Fuck that.

If they want to entertain this man, let them.

And go NC or LC with your bloody mother.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2022 21:27

You absolutely do not attend this wedding. You are an adult and don't anyone's permission to do, or avoid, anything.

DelphiniumBlue · 10/04/2022 21:29

If you go, you will have a horrible time, and unless you cause a scene at the wedding you will feel sick because being civil will feel like condoning the abuse.
I'm not entirely clear whether everyone in the family knows the full extent of what this guy has done, but I do know that in your shoes I would refuse to attend if he was going, and explain why, just to make sure there was absolutely no doubt.
I am old and probably more stroppy than you, but I would not be covering up for this guy just to save other people's feelings. That's how he was in a position to groom and try to abuse you and his own children...adults are still trying to whitewash ( aka throwing the victims under the bus) to avoid any awkwardness. If everyone pretends nothing is wrong, that leaves the door open for him to try it again with another child.

Original poster

LadyHeineken · 10/04/2022 21:37

I meant to say, I am now pregnant a little typo with the not*.
Sorry.

OP posts:

TakeMe2Insanity · 10/04/2022 21:37

The only person who is being unreasonable is your mother, suggesting you should have known right from wrong re being groomed. I’m actually aghast that she would say it like that. You were underage and groomed by an older family member end of. I don’t think you should go to the wedding and start phasing your mother out.

Alliswells · 10/04/2022 21:38

Don't go. Take yourself DH and little one off that day and do something lovely.

Catflapkitkat · 10/04/2022 21:40

Don't go, you won't be able to enjoy it fully. You'll be on edge. Why should you have pretend that everything is okay and forgotten. Send a note to the bride and groom and tell them why you will not be attending. Perhaps you can visit his mother, especially if she is as close as you say. Your Mother's attitude is awful - you need to find her some proper reading.

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/04/2022 21:42

Your mother is a disgrace and failed you horribly.

Decline the invite and make your excuses.

Distance yourself from your mother and get some therapy or counselling if you can to unpack your mothers behaviour (which is frankly unnatural)

for you

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/04/2022 21:43

Mom says I have to deal with it, she also says she can't understand how a 15 year old fell for his grooming, as at the end of the day I 'already knew right from wrong'

This would he enough for me to disengage with the lot of them.

Idontevenknow · 10/04/2022 21:43

Wild horses couldn't drag me to that wedding

Bb16103 · 10/04/2022 21:44

Your mother - is disgusting for saying that to you.
My own mother can be pretty screwed up but one thing I am CONVINCED of, is that she wouldn’t suggest I let byegones be byegones with a sex abuser to keep up with the Jones’s at a poxy wedding.
To tell you ‘to deal with it’ and imply you shouldn’t have somehow ‘known better’ because you were the ripe old age of FIFTEEN is genuinely horrifying.
I am so sorry this is happening to you OP. Of course you don’t have to go to the wedding, don’t put yourself through this pregnant, ultimately (pregnant or not) the only person who’s feelings matter in this situation are yours.
I hope you have a supportive partner & don’t have to carry this trauma alone.

thisplaceisweird · 10/04/2022 21:44

I wouldn't be going, and I would be telling the bride why. What is she thinking?

Sorry about your mother. I hope you keep her at a very long arms length that must be very damaging to hear comments like that.

Cakecakecheese · 10/04/2022 21:45

Don't go to the wedding and seriously consider cutting your mother out of your life. Can you imagine ever saying to your own child what she said to you?!

sunlight81 · 10/04/2022 21:49

Don't go to the wedding and press charges against ur abuser ... this way everyone with know why u didn't attend!!

Mellowyellow222 · 10/04/2022 21:52

I am so sorry that your family have let you, and this other girl, down so badly.

You have a family who minimises sexual abide and supports the perpetrators. Generational abuse is a thing - and you are describing exactly why it is so difficult for Boston’s to break out. They aren’t supported, they aren’t believed, they watch others who speak out be rejected by the family while the perpetrator is embraced and painted the victim.

Break away from this family. You are building your own. These people are poison. Your children should never be subjected to them

WomanStanleyWoman · 10/04/2022 21:53

I couldn’t bring myself to go either. It’s terrible that you’ve told your family member about this and s/he is still inviting him. I would simply say I am not going and ‘You know why’. If anyone in the family kicks up a fuss, let them - my guess is they’ll try to play
it down to avoid people finding out why you’re not there.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this.

HabitsDieHard · 10/04/2022 21:54

just coming on to agree with everyone else. Anyone who will entertain a child abuse is not somebody I would spend time with.
Sorry Op you got a bad deal

Summerfun54321 · 10/04/2022 21:58

In your situation, I would not go and happily tell anyone of the reason. Your mother’s attitude is an absolute disgrace and the fact this cousin is invited to the wedding is absolutely mind blowing.

Sittingonabench · 10/04/2022 21:58

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable. Don’t go and don’t put your family anywhere near the cousin. Also please don’t let this play on your mind or take up headspace - just say no you won’t be attending and be done with it - arrange something nice as a family for that day so it doesn’t creep up on you.

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