For not wanting my cousin in a family member's wedding

[LadyHeineken]

First time posting.
This is post might be triggering, and I apologise for that, just really looking after some advise.

A very close member of my family is getting married in the next year. All invites are being sent, and I found out by my mom that a cousin of mine, who was acused (but not judged due to lack of evidence) of molesting his own child and whom groomed me and tried the same with me when I was 15, has been invited to the Wedding.
I was in shock and told my mom I could not bring myself to come, because I'm still traumatised, and now more than any other time I am concerned, as I am not pregnant and just don't want to take my child, or my partner, to close vicinity of someone who harmed me so much in the past.
Mom says I have to deal with it, she also says she can't understand how a 15 year old fell for his grooming, as at the end of the day I 'already knew right from wrong'.
Not many people in my family know this happened with me, most only know that he abused his daughter. However my sister knows, my mom knows, and so does this close family member... but somehow they thought it was a good idea to invite him.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I overeacting?
I've been losing sleep since I found out. I known he won't touch me, but just the thought of seeing him face to face is making me feel sick, and I have played around with the idea of putting a civil charge against him (but his mom is as close as a grandmother to me, so I am not sure I really want to drag her through this, now that 16 years have passed since his last try [because I cut contact and he left the country]). It plagues me that he will meet my child and my partner... and because he is a direct cousin, people will be wondering why I am not speaking to him, and why I didn't introduce him to my partner...

Just shattered!

Anyway, I am sorry if this triggered any of you, I am just literally losing my sleep thinking of this, which is not helpful.

I am not sure bringing this up with my sister and the girl that is getting married will help... knowing them, they will just say to deal with it...

Should I just?
Deal with it?

LadyHeineken that is just so shit. Your mother has thrown you under the bus in so many different ways over this issue.

It is so completely shit to realise that there are parents who will put their own usually “wants” not even needs over protecting their children. On the one hand this behaviour from your mother is common but absolutely there are people who support and defend their children. There are many, many threads on MN from women who are faced with dealing with usually known or suspected abusers and in many instances the women don’t react in their child’s best interests and they rationalise and justify putting their child at risk to keep their husband or extended family intact. It is a horrible fact of some types of family systems that they will not deal with abuse.

It is an absolutely shit reality you are facing into but I spent decades with a gnawing anxiety about my own childhood and my family’s behaviour around the abuse I experienced and then I went through 4 years of hell as I pulled away from the lot of them but after all that grieving and a complete world of hurt and pain I know that getting away from people who were flawed in those ways was the absolute best thing I could have done.

Families that react in the way you are experiencing are typically narcissistic with the emphasis of the family system on meeting the parents unmet childhood needs. The parents are typically emotionally immature and emotionally neglectful. When my own mother found our about the full extent of the abuse in our family she positioned herself as the main victim of the abuse and manipulated family members to rally around supporting her even though she had put zero consequences in for the abuser and her own behaviour was absolutely shit but that was because our whole family system was centred on meeting her and my fathers needs so that behaviour was completely normal for her. Your mother has done the same she has centred herself and her own needs in your family and ignored her absolute responsibility to protect her children. It is exceptionally hard to come to terms with but ultimately that is your reality and living your life accepting reality rather than living in a pretend world is far, far healthier.

OP, you need to understand your mother is despicable for saying those things to you and you should extricate her from your life immediately.

Do not go, do not put yourself through the stress!

Stop contact with your mother.