For not wanting my cousin in a family member's wedding

[LadyHeineken]

First time posting.
This is post might be triggering, and I apologise for that, just really looking after some advise.

A very close member of my family is getting married in the next year. All invites are being sent, and I found out by my mom that a cousin of mine, who was acused (but not judged due to lack of evidence) of molesting his own child and whom groomed me and tried the same with me when I was 15, has been invited to the Wedding.
I was in shock and told my mom I could not bring myself to come, because I'm still traumatised, and now more than any other time I am concerned, as I am not pregnant and just don't want to take my child, or my partner, to close vicinity of someone who harmed me so much in the past.
Mom says I have to deal with it, she also says she can't understand how a 15 year old fell for his grooming, as at the end of the day I 'already knew right from wrong'.
Not many people in my family know this happened with me, most only know that he abused his daughter. However my sister knows, my mom knows, and so does this close family member... but somehow they thought it was a good idea to invite him.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I overeacting?
I've been losing sleep since I found out. I known he won't touch me, but just the thought of seeing him face to face is making me feel sick, and I have played around with the idea of putting a civil charge against him (but his mom is as close as a grandmother to me, so I am not sure I really want to drag her through this, now that 16 years have passed since his last try [because I cut contact and he left the country]). It plagues me that he will meet my child and my partner... and because he is a direct cousin, people will be wondering why I am not speaking to him, and why I didn't introduce him to my partner...

Just shattered!

Anyway, I am sorry if this triggered any of you, I am just literally losing my sleep thinking of this, which is not helpful.

I am not sure bringing this up with my sister and the girl that is getting married will help... knowing them, they will just say to deal with it...

Should I just?
Deal with it?

What @DelphiniumBlue said

Decline and explain why in simple statements. You can’t be in the same room as your former abuser. Sounds as though it has all been played down in the family meaning the bride feels obligated to invite him. Perhaps if she knew how much it absolutely affects you she might disinvite him. If not you don’t have to go nor should you as it won’t be a happy day for you and let’s him think he is back in the family circle again

Don’t go and cut your mom out.
You do not need this bullshit.

On 99% of MN posts I think that people are overreacting and need to get a grip.
This is one of the other 1%.
You should not be put in the position where you have to face your childhood abuser - as you know grooming is a form of abuse and can bea very subtle one.
Your mother is wrong. It is also beyond outrageous for her to blame you as the victim for what happened.
It is totally reasonable to say you can't/won't go.

You are so not being unreasinable i cant believe what your mother said-how can you even talk to her after that

I’ve been there OP except it was my own wedding and my mother insisted I invite my abuser because what would people think if I didn’t.

Don’t go. And put serious distance between yourself and your family. Families that enable this behaviour are seriously damaged and dysfunctional. They will harm you. Mind yourself. They won’t. They can’t.

Wtf? Why the hell is she inviting him? No way I’d be going and I’d tell her exactly why.

@oliviastwisted

I’ve been there OP except it was my own wedding and my mother insisted I invite my abuser because what would people think if I didn’t.

Don’t go. And put serious distance between yourself and your family. Families that enable this behaviour are seriously damaged and dysfunctional. They will harm you. Mind yourself. They won’t. They can’t.

@oliviastwisted

WTF???? I hope you told her where to go!
I'm so sorry, that's disgusting.

@Totalwasteofpaper

Your mother is a disgrace and failed you horribly.

Decline the invite and make your excuses.

Distance yourself from your mother and get some therapy or counselling if you can to unpack your mothers behaviour (which is frankly unnatural)

for you

Your mother really is a waste of space.

Protect yourself from them all.

Mom says I have to deal with it, she also says she can't understand how a 15 year old fell for his grooming, as at the end of the day I 'already knew right from wrong'.

What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Just. Read!

God, you poor thing. Awful enough to have to have five through what you did, but for your own MOTHER to be so dismissive, uncaring and unsupportive. Her response has ME seething.
Shit, I'd turn my back on the whole family is this is indicative of how they behave. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.

@oliviastwisted

I’ve been there OP except it was my own wedding and my mother insisted I invite my abuser because what would people think if I didn’t.

Don’t go. And put serious distance between yourself and your family. Families that enable this behaviour are seriously damaged and dysfunctional. They will harm you. Mind yourself. They won’t. They can’t.

Wtaf, I'm so sorry @oliviastwisted 💐

I'm so sorry this happened to you @LadyHeineken You can deal with it in whatever way gives you the least amount of pain. If this is not going then so be it.

Your mother is a deluded bitch who let you down, sorry.

You do NOT have to deal with it. Unless dealing with it means taking control of your life and refusing to ever see the creep again.

Contact the bride, explain that Mr X is a creepy pervert who traumatised you as a child, as well as his own daughter, and that there is zero chance of you allowing yourself or your child to be in the same room as him. Then ask if it is true that he is going to be there, as unfortunately you and your family will not be attending if he is.

They havr to choose which guest they prefer. If they choose to pretend it didn’t happen and blame the victim then put your mental health first and stay away from them.

Its ok to miss the wedding. Fine. But being forced to meet and be civil to your abuser is not something you’ll easily move on from.

Omg op you must not go to this wedding. Please do not feel in any way obliged. What your mother said to you is appalling. I don’t even know where to start, except to say you must hold your boundary. Tell yourself you will not be guilted into socialising with your abuser as an absolute bare minimum 😡😡😡

Being groomed is NEVER the victims fault, regardless of anything (not even knowing right from wrong! FFS!). This was someone who was trusted by you and your family so you would never have considered his behaviour was underlying sick reasons.

I would say due to personal reasons you are unable to attend but wish them the best. I wouldn't go into details , if they know I'm sure they'll click.

I would make the decision and act on it

Sorry....posted too early.

I would make the decision and act on it asap because then you can relax and get on with your life without that worry niggling away at the back if your mind.
I would also be matter of fact with DM and just say what he did was all on him, he was an adult who for his own sexual gains very cleverly groomed you. you don't forgive him, you won't forget it and you will not be going to the wedding for that reason and you are disappointed in her remarks/attitude. End of conversation

No you cannot go, please just don't do it. If you go, just this one time, it'll never stop. This is his first attempt to re-enter the family, he's apparently done his 'time' abroad and now it's time for him to come back, welcomed with open arms by some members of your family. If you go and seemingly accept him he'll be at all family gatherings from here on in. Draw the line in the sand now and say no, there's no need to put yourself through this amount of stress while pregnant xx

Your mother has let you down. Monumentally.

I'm appalled.

She is victim-blaming. The fact it's her own daughter makes my stomach turn over.

I'm so sorry OP.

I agree with others - write your RSVP card. Keep it simple and factual, but refuse and put it behind you. I'd also seriously consider cutting contact with your mother.

I need to ask - what happened to his daughter? What about her place in the family? Was she supported? Was she believed? Is she attending this wedding?

I wouldn’t go, and I would make damn sure that the bride/groom/whichever member of the happy couple isn’t related to you, knows exactly what this man has done and is aware that he cannot be trusted near any females under 18.

I would hit the fucking roof if I found out somebody who’d abused their own child was going to be hanging out with my teenage relatives at my wedding, and nobody had warned me.

Hey.
Thank you for the outpouring support.
To answer some of the questions (@LittleEsme, etc...).
The matter was indeed taken to court in 2005 (a year before the last attempt happened with me). Unfortunately my cousin had no witnesses, as my parents refused to engage. I had by then told my mom all I knew, and though she did protect me and tried her best to keep me away from him, we were never asked to be a witness in the case.
(I was groomed from about 11 until I was 15).
Fast forward to after trial, her mom kept her custody, they got divorced and he left the house to live with my auntie (who is as important as a grandmother to me) for a year until he moved to another country. It was then in 2006 that he tried it with me one last time. I will not say what happened, but it happened after my parents left my aunts house to go and see my grandmother. That morning my mom woke me up and told me to go with them, and got upset because I didn't want to leave the bed so early (at the time it didn't click what she was trying to do). She left with my dad, and she was not happy but didn't tell me why. Two hours or so after, my cousin got to the house and went to the bedroom where I was... for some kind of miracle, my parents arrived a few minutes after he did, and I started screaming, and my mom heard me and walked really fast towards the house. Opened the door and my cousin went to his room.
She told me to get ready ASAP and to not say a word to my dad about this (which I didn't, he passed two years ago without finding out).
That day my mom told me it was my fault because I knew better. I knew he was an abuser. I knew I shouldn't have stayed home. And I knew 'right from wrong, and was old enough to take responsibility'.

I thought the matter was over until I found out he had been invited. Mom said 'your cousins child has been able to have lunch with him after all this happened, I don't understand why can't you...'
I don't know why or how his daughter decided to do so, but each to their own, I am not judging her, and won't, and that's what I said to mom. But mom said I need to get a grip and that I should have known better, and that she cannot believe I fell for it at 15 (just as said on the OP).

Most my family know he abused my cousin, it was the talk of the town for a good few months. Unfortunately, because I was quite young I decided to keep it between me and my mom (as at the time there was no such thing as grooming where I come from... and abuse is only when... you know! Attempt as such without evidence was very hard to prove - that's why he didn't get sentenced for the wrongs he did to my cousin).

My partner has been incredibly supportive and is not fan of going to the Wedding either.

Once again, thank you for the support!
I really appreciate it. And yes, you are right - my way of dealing with this is not going if he goes. I need to protect myself and my small family.
Thank you!

Don't go op and distance yourself from the lot of them. They know and they blame the innocent victims. Ask yourself if you would behave like that if it were your child

Oh my goodness. Of course you don’t go. What an awful reaction from your mother, including the victim blaming. I’d be done with the lot of them to be honest.

Mom says I have to deal with it, she also says she can't understand how a 15 year old fell for his grooming, as at the end of the day I 'already knew right from wrong'.
Your mum said that?!
I'm sorry but she sounds horrendous 😢
Stay away from the lot of them, I would.
Of course it's not your fault, you were a child FFS

Dont go to the wedding - this is your way of 'dealing with it' yes. So sorry this happened then and this is happening now. Awful for you.

Your mothers attitude is disgusting. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I wouldn't go to the wedding.

Your family's attitude to this is appalling. I can't get my head around this. OP I wouldn't be going to this wedding and i wouldn't be investing in any relationships with any of these family memebers. Keep your children away from people that enable and excuse abusers. I'm sorry all this happened to you.