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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH does nothing at home…

68 replies

JoArmargh · 10/04/2022 21:04

I’ve bagged and moaned and nothing changes. I’m thinking of emailing the following and scheduling a meeting with him at a coffee shop so it stays claim and on topic:

“I know and accept that your job is stressful, but we can’t continue with me being your 1950’s style housewife whilst holding down my own more than full time job.

Being frank, I am carrying almost everything domestic in our life, without the ability to actually control it.

We are living in a houseful of mess with no structure and I feel like I am drowning in all the crap that’s everywhere whilst doing all of the child care, boring shopping, boring bill paying, cooking, cat admin, car admin and being the only one who’s attempting to maintain some form of cleaning.

When my work day ends, I turn in to dealing with everything at home, whilst you come in to your immediate needs taken care of (dinner, lunches, laundry) and don’t appear to see the state we’re getting in with everything else.

And when I get a day off, I’m alone in trying to do some cleaning or moving stuff or sorting admin, or running the kids to classes, whilst - it appears - you’ve given up even putting your things away anymore. (The stuff in the lounge is still on the floor since Christmas).

Please either let me organise and tidy and clean fully or you have to start dealing with some of this basic life admin…

…if you did nothing else, if you just put things away and created homes for them, I would have some hope of dealing with the rest.

I know it’s boring, and the last thing you want to do on a day off, but please, find a way to create a system at home that works for you around the pressures of your day job, or admit that it’s not your thing and let me have free reign to organise and tidy things. Because, IMHO, as things are, it’s just not fair.”

What do you think?

OP posts:
frogsbreath · 10/04/2022 21:10

I think he will admit it's not his thing and say fine, you deal with it. Which you will do but still resent him for being a lazy shit as it's still not fair.

It's not on, he starts pulling his weight or you stop the cooking and laundry etc that just for him. It he wants to live like a lodger he can do his own chores.

Coriandersucks · 10/04/2022 21:11

Sorry op but the moment you have to send an email to your husband in a bid to get him to change is the end of your marriage.

Take it from someone who’s email was scoffed at and ignored, and who is now divorced (and happier not having to deal with his crap and inability to communicate properly with his wife).

Wombat98 · 10/04/2022 21:13

Nah, just be single, that sounds like far too much drama.

Quartz2208 · 10/04/2022 21:16

whilst you come in to your immediate needs taken care of (dinner, lunches, laundry)

Are you doing these things for him?

and why do you not have free reign

RedskyThisNight · 10/04/2022 21:18

I know this means you end up being "house organiser" but I think you would be better assigning specific tasks to him rather than expecting him to see what needs doing. This also circumvents the issue of whether your list of "things that need doing" coincides with his. At the moment he sees that nothing needs doing because you are doing it all!

G5000 · 10/04/2022 21:21

if you did nothing else, if you just put things away
what, no, why? So you're saying that it's fine if he continues to do nothing?

send him a list and ask which half he wants to be responsible for, if you want to be generous.

notanothertakeaway · 10/04/2022 21:27

That email is too long

And better to focus on what you want to happen, rather than complaining

I'd suggest sitting down together and making a list of chores, and agreeing who does what. And then stick to it. If he's on dishwasher duty and doesn't do it, then let the dishes pile up. Don't nag. Don't be a martyr and do it. Just leave it for him to do

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2022 21:29

I think, actually I know, that you would be completely wasting your time. What you see is what you get, and he's the same useless dickhead that he was when you married him.

Get a divorce. You'll be immensely happier.

PickAChew · 10/04/2022 21:30

Well you need to stop doing things for him that benefit him more than you, for a start. Why can't he make his own lunch?

Phineyj · 10/04/2022 21:33

I understand why you're frustrated (and I've been there), however, your email is all written from the point of view that all this is your responsibility. It's not. Why do you think you feel it is? What kind of family set ups did you both grow up with?

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 10/04/2022 21:34

You're pleading in that email, and also giving him permission to simply abdicate and assign all domestic work to you.

Don't do either of those things. Get angry. Stop carrying him. Stop meeting his needs. If shit stays on the floor for months at a time, throw it away. Tell him he shapes up or he is looking at the end of his marriage, and you'll tell everyone why.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 10/04/2022 21:36

@Coriandersucks

Sorry op but the moment you have to send an email to your husband in a bid to get him to change is the end of your marriage.

Take it from someone who’s email was scoffed at and ignored, and who is now divorced (and happier not having to deal with his crap and inability to communicate properly with his wife).

I agree with this.

luxxlisbon · 10/04/2022 21:41

Please either let me organise and tidy and clean fully or you have to start dealing with some of this basic life admin…

This is so strange, I’m absolutely not saying you should be doing everything but why would you need him to “let you” organise and clean things?
If you are so full on with stuff why are you washing his clothes, making his lunch, his dinner…
It sounds like he needs to step up and find a way to share the work but in some ways you are making it worse as being a martyr.

Sh05 · 10/04/2022 21:43

He's going to switch off before he gets through even half of that email.
You need to write to the point with two lists, give him a choice of either one.
Stop doing his laundry, stop making his life super comfortable

JustWhyy · 10/04/2022 21:43

He's probably heard all of that from you, why do you think he'll change this time?

Prometheus · 10/04/2022 21:45

I’d resort to sexual blackmail and say that you find it very unattractive to live with a man child and don’t know how you can maintain sexual attraction living in these circumstances. I know it’s not very feminist but I think that most men would ignore arguments around fairness and equality and will only make a change if there is a risk of them losing sexual benefits. Sad but true.

Ragwort · 10/04/2022 21:49

Do you honestly think he will read it and think 'oh goodness, my dear wife is stressed and unhappy and I am treating her unkindly and taking her for granted ... I must improve immediately'. Of course he won't.

Stop doing things for him (I hope you aren't having sex with him).

If you want to send him an email suggest you just tell him about the divorce plans ...

cardboardbox24 · 10/04/2022 21:55

I find your email really confusing and meandering. You need to be much more clear and to the point. What are you trying to say? That you're sick of holding all the mental load, that it's unfair and disrespectful, and that it has to stop now or there is a real danger your relationship will end? Then say that.

Dancer47 · 10/04/2022 22:01

It's way too long. One paragraph is enough. Try to make it how to solve the problem and appealing to his feelings for you. Something like this:

"I know you work hard in your job.
The house is a mess and I have to do everything. We are are partners, right?
We need a system to divide the labour up between us so that the house runs smoothly. Can we work out a system?
The way things are now is not fair on me, I am worn down by trying to keep on top of it all by myself and it makes me feel you don't care for me. Help me out here, it's very important to me."

1Dandelion1 · 10/04/2022 22:05

Sounds like your life would be much easier without him.

Definitely stop making his lunches and making dinner, plan ahead have have stuff in the fridge (one pan meal) so he can made dinner for you both 'sorry darling ran out of time doing X, X and X and I still have X to do before i can make it. You can either do X or cook for us'.

wtfwasthatmate · 10/04/2022 22:08

"Please either let me organise and tidy and clean fully or you have to start dealing with some of this basic life admin…"

What? Tell him to do his 50% of EVERYTHING or the marriage is done. And mean it. This is no way to live. He's a selfish prick.

BlueOverYellow · 10/04/2022 22:13

You're formally giving him permission to dump even more of the drudge work on you, like a get out of jail free card.

Tell him he's not pulling his weight at home, it's grossly unfair to you, and you will not put up with it any longer. He starts doing his share of x, y, z or he can move out.

Snowpaw · 10/04/2022 22:15

Needs to be way more specific.

In my house we both are honest with ourselves and know we don’t much like cleaning, him even less so than me, so we get a cleaner and my DP pays. Also designate certain things to each person, eg my DP is point of contact for one of our child’s clubs whereas I am for nursery. I order the food shop, DP picks it up from click and collect. I wash clothes, he hangs them out etc. Doesn’t need to be a massive email, just be direct about what you want / need and the changes you need to make.

Duchess379 · 10/04/2022 22:17

A whole load of 'nope' from me.
He's clearly an inept lazy twat. If you are also working full time & doing everything at home, something has to give.
I would start only doing my own washing, my own dinner, sort out my own car etc until he gets the message. If he thinks domestic chores are beneath him, you need to up & leave. You are not a maid or home help.
Why do we women settle for this shit?! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Thumpkin · 10/04/2022 22:18

Why are you pleading for him to let you organise and clean and tidy ‘fully’? That’s simply giving him permission to do 0% of the house chores and for you to do 100%. Stop pleading and saying ‘please’. Tell him you are going to draw up a list of chores to do together and that this marks a turning point in your relationship because you will no longer accept being treated like a maid service. Leaving stuff on the floor since Christmas because he can’t be fucked to pick it up?! What a disgusting, lazy, disdainful man he is.