My DH does nothing at home…

[JoArmargh]

I’ve bagged and moaned and nothing changes. I’m thinking of emailing the following and scheduling a meeting with him at a coffee shop so it stays claim and on topic:

“I know and accept that your job is stressful, but we can’t continue with me being your 1950’s style housewife whilst holding down my own more than full time job.

Being frank, I am carrying almost everything domestic in our life, without the ability to actually control it.

We are living in a houseful of mess with no structure and I feel like I am drowning in all the crap that’s everywhere whilst doing all of the child care, boring shopping, boring bill paying, cooking, cat admin, car admin and being the only one who’s attempting to maintain some form of cleaning.

When my work day ends, I turn in to dealing with everything at home, whilst you come in to your immediate needs taken care of (dinner, lunches, laundry) and don’t appear to see the state we’re getting in with everything else.

And when I get a day off, I’m alone in trying to do some cleaning or moving stuff or sorting admin, or running the kids to classes, whilst - it appears - you’ve given up even putting your things away anymore. (The stuff in the lounge is still on the floor since Christmas).

Please either let me organise and tidy and clean fully or you have to start dealing with some of this basic life admin…

…if you did nothing else, if you just put things away and created homes for them, I would have some hope of dealing with the rest.

I know it’s boring, and the last thing you want to do on a day off, but please, find a way to create a system at home that works for you around the pressures of your day job, or admit that it’s not your thing and let me have free reign to organise and tidy things. Because, IMHO, as things are, it’s just not fair.”

What do you think?

Please either let me organise and tidy and clean fully or you have to start dealing with some of this basic life admin…

i don't understand what it is you want. Just get a cleaner and he pays half? Give him the ultimatum of he does 50% or you walk (and mean it)

Until then? just do what you like. But don't beg.

Why do you not have free rein?

Do whatever you want, anything of his that is not where it should be put in bin bags, if you’re feeling kind keep them in the garage for him to sort through, stop doing his laundry, why is it your job? And if he doesn’t want to take turns doing meals just do you.

Get all his crap. Bag it up and put it in a corner, shed or garage.
Give him a week to sort it.
Throw it out if he doesn’t.

If you've done everything so far. It's his turn now to do everything.

It's not clear whether you're complaining about him not doing anything or not just letting you do everything. Which is it? If the latter, are you really OK with him just leaving things to you?

You have to ask if you can sort the house out? I think you'd be better off starting anew.

@Whooshaagh

Get all his crap. Bag it up and put it in a corner, shed or garage. Give him a week to sort it. Throw it out if he doesn’t.

Yeah I agree. Throw all the things he leaves lying around in a bin bag then ditch it in shed/ garage/ cupboard, then bin after a week. Don't wash his clothes don't sort out his shit, don't make his tea. Just act as if it were you and the kids.

What are you doing OP? This is insane.

Your kids are learning that it's ok for men to treat women like shit. If you can't stand up to him for yourself, then do it for them.

The mail is much too long and why are you assuming this is all your problem to solve?

Send him this link:
matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

With the strapline "you are closer to this than you realise, I've just had enough".

Was he a useless fucker before you had kids?

It seems odd to give him a get out clause if he just moves some of his stuff you will continue with doing everything?

Do a complete rewrite, focus less on describing the problem and more on what you want to change

I'd propose that you will no longer be making doing his laundry, making his lunches or sleeping with him unless there is a change. (dinner I imagine you are making for yourself and the kids anyway)

If he actually cares, he will change

If not, you will have to weigh up whether it is all worth it. In these type of situations splitting up could actually make your life a whole lot easier. One less 'child' to do stuff for and you can bundle the kids off on him regularly and get some time to yourself for once. And find a partner who actually works as a team and pulls their weight

You are being WAY too reasonable.

More succinct: if you do not come up with a workable plan to carry 50% of the burden of running a home and bringing up kids in the next 5 days I will leave you and divorce you. My life would be better and less onerous without you in it.

There you go. Send that.

I realise this may not work for everyone (and to be clear I would never advocate that a woman with a lazy husband actually gives up work) but I got through to my husband by threatening to give up paid work.

I said that if he wanted me to be a 1950s housewife, he needed to be a 1950s husband. And that means taking full responsibility for providing for his family financially. But I said I wasn’t prepared to do 95% of the domestic labour and childcare while also earning more than 50% of the money, so if he didn’t step up, I’d resign from my job.

Funnily enough, the idea of being the sole wage earner and taking a drop of over 50% in our household income didn’t appeal to him much.

I think it's too wordy and not specific enough and he will just skim over it. You are also giving him excuses like you know he has a busy job etc

I think I'd say something along the lines of:

You go to work
I go to work, look after kids, do all housework, admin, kids logistics, meal planning, shopping - I do everything else. It takes x hours a day and x at the weekend on top of my full time job, while you get to rest and do hobbies out of work

It's unacceptable and not fair that you expect me to do all your share of household and child related chores, and I'm worried it will eventually lead to the end of our marriage - that's how serious this is for me. If we split I would get a break every other weekend and have one less person to cook and clean for.

I've set aside some time to discuss this properly so please can you come with some suggestions about how we can make this work for everyone, permanently

Thank you everyone.

Some great advice here.

Just give him jobs to do. Or if you think he will be argumentative say to him I need help with House things so can you choose two jobs...

E.g
•Washing needs put in machine/pickets checked/colours separated.
•Dishes need washed/dried etc
•Clothes need folded out away
•House/certain rooms need hoovered.

Then say - can you do two of these jobs please while I do the other two...done!

If he says no he will look like a right d&ck as you are emphasising team work. Good luck. x

Scuse the typos.
Cannot believe what chancers some men are!

If he does nothing, what’s the point of him?
He’s a lazy disrespectful user, happy to see you getting exhausted .