My DH does nothing at home…

[JoArmargh]

I’ve bagged and moaned and nothing changes. I’m thinking of emailing the following and scheduling a meeting with him at a coffee shop so it stays claim and on topic:

“I know and accept that your job is stressful, but we can’t continue with me being your 1950’s style housewife whilst holding down my own more than full time job.

Being frank, I am carrying almost everything domestic in our life, without the ability to actually control it.

We are living in a houseful of mess with no structure and I feel like I am drowning in all the crap that’s everywhere whilst doing all of the child care, boring shopping, boring bill paying, cooking, cat admin, car admin and being the only one who’s attempting to maintain some form of cleaning.

When my work day ends, I turn in to dealing with everything at home, whilst you come in to your immediate needs taken care of (dinner, lunches, laundry) and don’t appear to see the state we’re getting in with everything else.

And when I get a day off, I’m alone in trying to do some cleaning or moving stuff or sorting admin, or running the kids to classes, whilst - it appears - you’ve given up even putting your things away anymore. (The stuff in the lounge is still on the floor since Christmas).

Please either let me organise and tidy and clean fully or you have to start dealing with some of this basic life admin…

…if you did nothing else, if you just put things away and created homes for them, I would have some hope of dealing with the rest.

I know it’s boring, and the last thing you want to do on a day off, but please, find a way to create a system at home that works for you around the pressures of your day job, or admit that it’s not your thing and let me have free reign to organise and tidy things. Because, IMHO, as things are, it’s just not fair.”

What do you think?

"I can't do this anymore, I am doing it all on top of working a more than full time as well whilst you contribute nothing beyond working.

You need to tell me your solutions and when and how you will implement them"

I have put yabu because your email is basically giving him permission to officially opt out of doing anything!!! If he’s not doing his fair share then stop doing things for him!!

I agree that your email needs to be far more direct. Whatever you do, please do not give him the option of opting out of family/home management. If you do, he will take it and you will end up even more put upon.

What would your ideal scenario be? Decide that and then work from there.

You're not actually saying much in that email. You're offloading how you're feeling, and then telling him 'if you don't want to pull your weight, that's fine, tell me and I'll sort it'

Personally I'd rewrite it with a list if everything you do, and a list of what he does. Then have a think about what you actually want him to do and spell it out to him.

He sounds like a completely lazy, selfish arse who will happily sit around whilst his wife runs herself ragged. I'd be buggered if I made him his lunch, tea, washed his clothes etc.

I think I’d speak to him rather than email. Have a conversation about what he does and what you do. How has it got to this place? Why has everything fallen to you? Have you just stepped up because he doesn’t? Why does he think that’s ok?

Stop doing anything for him, washing, cooking, tidying. Sex!

How about making the email more succinct:

"You've never pulled your weight in this marriage and I deserve better. My life would be easier and less stressful without you in it.
Thankfully there is now the opportunity to go for a swift no fault divorce, let's do that ASAP.
Your Ex Wife"

OP - it sounds like you need a massive declutter for one thing. Makes things easier.

Regarding your DH, do you work well together in general?

I found telling my DH off, trying to guilt him, shame him, threaten him etc didn't work. I just stood up one evening in the house, looked around and said "Come on, work with me!" and off we went.

I have found is that we work well together if we do it together iyswim - We do one hour a night as a team- for eg he tidies and vacuums the whole house at top speed while I put the washing on and throw the dinner on. He does the washing up after dinner while I get stuff ready for the morning. We have one evening a week on admin when we do it all (we have actual files for this in a box) No pissing about with it being on someone's laptop / tablet - no - proper physical files - everything from the credit card and bank to milkman and vet. Use the old civil service system - the files that need attention - stand them on end at the front of the box and the rest of the files in the box in alphabetical order. Keep a house wall calndar or white board in the kitchen or some other system to keep on top of what needs doing when.

He might like working on housework etc with you (we are competitive about it and have a laugh) and he might enjoy creating systems for efficiency.
I don't think it's marriage ending. At least if you try everything, you have nothing to regret.

You are pleading in that email. That's not the way to go. You just need to tell him: pull your weight, or the marriage is over.

Sod arranging a meeting with him.

Just stop doing his mundane shit and let him pick it up himself.

I haven't RTFT I can't be arsed - but basically if you're not prepared to take action - don't moan about it.

I do not understand any of this if I'm honest. I was married to a fat lazy lump of an arse who expected me to be some kind of stepford wife and greet him at the door with his slippers at the end of the day, despite me being the main breadwinner.

Kicked his sorry arse into touch 8 years ago and 2 years later, met the most amazing, kind, caring man who is my EQUAL in every way.

I still earn more money, but that doesn't matter, everything we do is joint. If the kids are hungry, one of us cooks, if a washing load needs doing, one of us puts it on, if the lawn needs mowing, it gets done.

I wasn't accepting anything less after the monstrosity I was married to before.

STOP PICKING HIS SHIT UP AND BE HIS WIFE NOT HIS MOTHER.

He's a waster and you are a fool skivvying for him.

Stop doing anything for him and focus on getting yourself organised.

Do not have more children with him.

Though how women like you stomach sex with wasters like this is frankly beyond me.

You need to find your anger and your self respect.

He's a loser.

Don't waste your future on him.

I know and accept that your job is stressful, but we can’t continue with me being your 1950’s style housewife whilst holding down my own more than full time job.

Rewrite this

Dear not so D H

I know that you think that you have a stressful job. However, if you want a 1950s style housewife then you need to to provide finacially like a 1950s bloke. At the moment I need to work full time to keep our family afloat finacially so you need to do 50% of the housework. Until you pull your weight I will be doning nothing for you - so you will no longer be coming home to haing your needs met. Instead you'll have to sort out your own food/laundry etc and if you leave your shit around the house you'll find it in the dustbin.

Your wife who has finally grown a backbone

Only language they understand....

My exH was like this, hence the ex and I'm glad I don't have kids with him.

My current dh will do nothing when he is working as he's nights so sleeps during the day then goes out. However when he is off I don't need to lift a finger and we have 2 kids. So it's like 50/50 even though I'm not working. He says it's his house and his kids too.

Leave him, he clearly doesn't like you, let alone love or respect you. Or stay and let your kids grow up believing women have to do everything whilst men don't have to do anything.

@MargeSimpson79

I have put yabu because your email is basically giving him permission to officially opt out of doing anything!!! If he’s not doing his fair share then stop doing things for him!!

Exactly this!!!

No, I’ve got a better solution for you if you intend on staying with mr lazy bones.

You go to the coffee shop for an hour to switch off and let him know while you’re gone he is in charge and you expect him to do the laundry, which incidentally is now his job from now because you work too and he’s an adult human who has created humans who needs to step up and be responsible for his humans.

Make it clear if he doesn’t put his Christmas things away you’ll be throwing them out.

Yep, he’ll see you as the nagging wife but diddums.

You're begging him for a lot less than a partner. Which means he'll deliver even less. You need to demand 50:50 and if he doesn't, leave.

Don't send the email. I absolutely get the frustration but it's just venting and won't solve anything.

We are in a similar situation of unfair division of labour.

A few weeks ago, I reached a breaking point and went "on strike". The kids' laundry, tidying, dishes etc got done but nothing of his did. He vowed to step up and we divvied up the chores. This lasted a week. I gave him one more week to get his share done, and told him if it didn't happen then we'd be paying for a cleaner (out of his pocket) to do it. This is something he has previously said we can't afford (we can). And yet, no progress.

So, we now have a cleaner coming next week.

It's deeply frustrating that I've essentially had to performance manage him. At least the cleaning chores will get done from now on and he'll be paying for it 🤷🏼‍♀️ Not ideal but it's a start.

I don’t beg. My email would be sent as he walked in the door and i walked out.’I’ll be back in 3 days, if there aren’t visible signs you are committing to being a partner in this marriage I’ll be back to start talking with a divorce lawyer. There’s no dinner for the dc, you’ll have to cook them something.’

Every time I think about dating again, I see these threads on MN. I'm like OK, hard pass on the dating.

This is just too much drama.

Email your solicitor instead and ask for advice about divorce.

My dh will drop his pants BESIDE the laundry hamper it drives me ducking mental! I do all the family laundry but recently decided to only do what Was in the hamper so if his shit is on the floor I kick it out the way and won't pick it up to wash
Probably petty

@GregBrawlsInDogJail

You're pleading in that email, and also giving him permission to simply abdicate and assign all domestic work to you.

Don't do either of those things. Get angry. Stop carrying him. Stop meeting his needs. If shit stays on the floor for months at a time, throw it away. Tell him he shapes up or he is looking at the end of his marriage, and you'll tell everyone why.

This....

Frame it as either do your fair share... ie half of tasks...

Or you'll be reviewing your relationship...

@notanothertakeaway

That email is too long

And better to focus on what you want to happen, rather than complaining

I'd suggest sitting down together and making a list of chores, and agreeing who does what. And then stick to it. If he's on dishwasher duty and doesn't do it, then let the dishes pile up. Don't nag. Don't be a martyr and do it. Just leave it for him to do

This. And dishes are something you can let pile up for days. It is just one area of one room. If you run out, you can wash one dish at a time.

What is the mess he is causing ?

I would get bin bags and dump anything I didn't feel was necessary. Straight to tip. Including stuff he or DCs don't put awajy.
I would rehome the cat.
I would get a cleaner
Get supermarket delivery.
Put payments on DD

Giving jobs to him that he doesn't do is more stress for you. But don't wash his clothes.
If he is making your life unhappy - speak to a solicitor to consider how you want the future

Frankly you sound like a doormat. I’d be looking for ways to leave him. You’ve enabled this behaviour.