Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making my DD spend time with her Dad

59 replies

Maroony · 10/04/2022 16:33

My DD15 stays every other weekend at her Dad's, and goes for dinner one night every other week. When she's there she shares a room with her step sister who is 9.

For the past 6 months DD hasn't been wanting to stay the full weekend, for a number of reasons. The cupboards are generally pretty empty so she's always hungry, she gets woken up by her step sister who has night terrors or who is just generally trying to annoy her, she has no personal space, it's boring. I could go on.

She's been asking to stay just one night at the weekend. Her Dad has agreed to this for a couple of months but has now started moaning at me that he wants her to stay the full weekend again. I get accused of not backing him up when I don't 'force' her to stay both days. I've suggested he meet her halfway, allow her to stay one night but maybe increase the amount of dinners he has her, but this was refused.

She's just returned from the weekend there where she spent nearly the whole 48 hours FaceTiming or texting me because she was either bored, hungry, or being pestered by her step sister.

AIBU in not insisting that she stays the full weekend? I'm being made out to be the bad one here but I believe at her age she should have the choice.

OP posts:
Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 10/04/2022 16:36

Surely it is up to him to persuade her to want to stay not you?
At 15 it really is her choice..
When my dc hit secondary age I stopped all communication with exh. Was very liberating! He could no longer abuse me!.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/04/2022 16:37

She’s 15, at her age she should be able to decide how long, if at all, she wants to spend visiting her Dad. If he starts trying to moan at you about anything, tell him to discuss it with someone who cares

Vsirbdo · 10/04/2022 16:38

I’m assuming he knows the reasons why and hasn’t changed any of it? If so then yes I’d be letting her make her own decision especially as she’s not saying she won’t go at all but wants less time there.
My teen DSD lives with us and doesn’t always want to spend much time at her mums for similar reasons (although there’s also a bigger backstory) and considering her mum doesn’t do anything to change things or improve the visits we let DSD make her own decisions

Original poster
Maroony · 10/04/2022 16:38

I should add that when he knows she only wants to stay one night he texts her and makes her feel guilty (I do understand to a degree, he just wants to see her).

OP posts:
Nothappyatwork · 10/04/2022 16:39

The trouble is you don’t know whether you come in or go in if you stop all communication because the kids sort out things with the ex and just forget to fill you win so for example I can never make any plans for the weekend because I don’t know whether he’s going or not that’s infuriating .

So I wouldn’t insist that she goes but if she makes the plan she has to stick to it and not spend the whole time FaceTime in you because you should be busy

VimFuego101 · 10/04/2022 16:42

At 15 she should be allowed to flex the schedule a bit. I would HATE to share a room with someone who has night terrors so have every sympathy with her not wanting to sleep there as much.

Original poster
Maroony · 10/04/2022 17:01

I'm told it doesn't help that I'm happy to have her at home all the time, but why wouldn't I be? She's my child!

OP posts:
Nothappyatwork · 10/04/2022 17:05

@Maroony

I'm told it doesn't help that I'm happy to have her at home all the time, but why wouldn't I be? She's my child!
Because to be honest with you probably should be getting on with your own life now. Why don’t you have plans for your time ? Why are you so available for face timing night and day ? To be honest that isn’t helpful and I wouldn’t put up with it if I was either of you in that situation.
Wiredforsound · 10/04/2022 17:06

I’d stop this in its tracks now. Tell him straight, “She’s 15 and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. You make the arrangements with her and leave me out of it”. You don’t really need to communicate with him anymore, do you?

Original poster
Maroony · 10/04/2022 17:08

@Nothappyatwork I have a younger child at home which is why I don't usually have plans and am available!

OP posts:
Nothappyatwork · 10/04/2022 17:12

[quote Maroony]@Nothappyatwork I have a younger child at home which is why I don't usually have plans and am available! [/quote]
So you’re not out doing age related activities with that child no ? Or having date night with its father ?
You are facilitating the whingeing there’s no getting away from here I realise it’s very unlikely that this would reach the attention of the family court but if a judge was to listen to what you’ve written so far they would tell you to put the phone down and don’t answer it at the weekend

SalmonEile · 10/04/2022 17:16

Regarding the hunger- Is she genuinely not being fed there? Coz if so I wouldn’t force/encourage her on that basis alone
If it’s a case of she’s used to having snacks/junk whatever available could she bring some from home

Do they live close by ?
Really though the step sister issues can’t be solved by you so I think it’s up to DD and her father needs to step up or accept she doesn’t want to sleep over anymore

Womeninblack · 10/04/2022 17:19

Lol @Nothappyatwork

Ohquietone · 10/04/2022 17:20

Maybe you need to raise the points your dd has raised with you and suggest more dinners. Other than that, it’s your dd’s choice on how often she wants to see her dad.

SueSaid · 10/04/2022 17:20

It's up to your dd and her df. You shouldn’t even be involved in the conversation really at this age.
If she doesn't want to stay tell her to talk to her dad and come up with compromises.

Nothappyatwork · 10/04/2022 17:24

@Womeninblack You obviously don’t have a lot of experience in these matters

Original poster
Maroony · 10/04/2022 17:26

@Nothappyatwork Not sure a family court judge would tell me to ignore all contact from my DD when she's at her Dad's Confused

@SalmonEile Yes they live close by. I've told her she can start taking snacks from home. I think they have main meals but nothing in between. All food is gluten free there and she says it tastes funny so doesn't eat much.

@JaniieJones I wouldn't have expected to be involved in the conversations anymore either but when DD texts her Dad to say she is staying for just one night he makes her feel guilty and she feels bad so asks me to step in.

OP posts:
Nothappyatwork · 10/04/2022 17:30

@Maroony that is exactly what they say, interfering with the father/child relationship. You do need to stop taking the FaceTime calls from her if she’s going if she’s not fine but if she’s there she’s there to see her father not spend her time whingeing to you about him doesn’t do her any good.

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 10/04/2022 17:38

He shouldn't be making her feel guilty, that's bullshit and emotional manipulation, I'd shut that shit right down.

At 15 she's old enough to decide whether to go to her dad's or not. If he really wants contact he should invite her to dinner, go out with her 1 on 1,or ask her to go over for an afternoon. Not make her feel guilty for wanting to sleep in her own bed.

She's 15 and probably wants to hang out with her mates, or game or hobbies. Not hanging around bored at her dad's.

Tell him that she is old enough to decide, and she says no. No placating him, or forced contact because that's a recipe for NC with him once she hits 18.

AskingforaBaskin · 10/04/2022 17:43

[quote Nothappyatwork]@Maroony that is exactly what they say, interfering with the father/child relationship. You do need to stop taking the FaceTime calls from her if she’s going if she’s not fine but if she’s there she’s there to see her father not spend her time whingeing to you about him doesn’t do her any good.[/quote]
You're being ridiculous. She isn't interfering the 15 year old is calling her.

And at 15 no judge will listen to anything other then what the child wants.

OP. I would teach your daughter about boundaries and what she should do when people push. This is a lesson that she can carry through life.

"Dad if you're not happy with one night I will not come at all. I will not be guilt tripped when you have not tried to resolve any of the issues at your house to make me want to stay any longer"

StopStartStop · 10/04/2022 17:44

She's 15, she could decide not to go at all. Let her go for a morning or afternoon. It's enough. Do you need her to go so he'll pay child support? My dd had to do that for years but she understood why she couldn't just refuse.

tempester28 · 10/04/2022 17:46

Perhaps she should say she doesn't want to stay over at all if they live close by. She could talk to her Dad and say she wants to come round for tea more nights or meet him somewhere. The important thing is they maintain their relationship not the hours spent. It is better for it to be happy times they spend together not this.

She will be 16 at some point within the next 12 months and maybe now is the time to progress their relationship working towards an adult relationship.

autumnboys · 10/04/2022 17:49

He wants her to want to stay, so he needs to make some changes. I would say it to him once more - there’s not enough/suitable food to eat, they don’t go out, the younger child pesters her. Then it’s up to him to fix it and I would not be engaging any further with him. It’s not your job to fix it for him. Flowers

Original poster
Maroony · 10/04/2022 17:50

@StopStartStop No nothing to do with child support, we have a private arrangement but he doesn't contribute much anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maroony · 10/04/2022 17:52

To those who suggested about DD going for more dinners instead etc - I have proposed that to her Dad but it fell on deaf ears!

OP posts: