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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making my DD spend time with her Dad

59 replies

Maroony · 10/04/2022 16:33

My DD15 stays every other weekend at her Dad's, and goes for dinner one night every other week. When she's there she shares a room with her step sister who is 9.

For the past 6 months DD hasn't been wanting to stay the full weekend, for a number of reasons. The cupboards are generally pretty empty so she's always hungry, she gets woken up by her step sister who has night terrors or who is just generally trying to annoy her, she has no personal space, it's boring. I could go on.

She's been asking to stay just one night at the weekend. Her Dad has agreed to this for a couple of months but has now started moaning at me that he wants her to stay the full weekend again. I get accused of not backing him up when I don't 'force' her to stay both days. I've suggested he meet her halfway, allow her to stay one night but maybe increase the amount of dinners he has her, but this was refused.

She's just returned from the weekend there where she spent nearly the whole 48 hours FaceTiming or texting me because she was either bored, hungry, or being pestered by her step sister.

AIBU in not insisting that she stays the full weekend? I'm being made out to be the bad one here but I believe at her age she should have the choice.

OP posts:
Nothappyatwork · 10/04/2022 17:54

@AskingforaBaskin I did say that it wouldn’t get near a family court because of her age 🤦‍♀️🙄🤦‍♀️
However Family court does take a very dim view of one parent interfering with the relationship of the other on their contact time and the reason they take a dim view of it is because it isn’t good for the child to be bemoaning the one they are with to the other. And the other parent should not be facilitating the moaning.

Original poster
Maroony · 10/04/2022 17:57

@Nothappyatwork Genuine question - how am I interfering with my DD's relationship with her Dad?

OP posts:
Namechange671 · 10/04/2022 17:58

You are wrong. Family lawyer here. At 15 they dictate arrangements for themselves and a judge would not normally entertain an application for a 15 year old child because they call the shots at that age. Whether Mum does or doesn’t answer the phone is irrelevant and your condescending tone unhelpful

AskingforaBaskin · 10/04/2022 17:59

[quote Nothappyatwork]@AskingforaBaskin I did say that it wouldn’t get near a family court because of her age 🤦‍♀️🙄🤦‍♀️
However Family court does take a very dim view of one parent interfering with the relationship of the other on their contact time and the reason they take a dim view of it is because it isn’t good for the child to be bemoaning the one they are with to the other. And the other parent should not be facilitating the moaning.[/quote]
She is not facilitating moaning. She is listening to her daughters valid complaints.
The daughter wants to speak to her mother. Something which the courts do encourage.

The Op doesn't have to do anything other than support her daughter if the father has failed to build a relationship with his daughter that's on him and he can accept her conditions or she can block him if she wants.

Namechange671 · 10/04/2022 17:59

That was in response to nothappyatwork

Nothappyatwork · 10/04/2022 17:59

I’m honestly not trying to annoy you or wind you up but while she’s on the phone to you negatively discussing the environment she’s not getting on with resolving it, she’s able to speak to you about it rather than the person that can actually resolve the issue for her.

If you weren’t available for these phone calls what would she be doing ? She would either be forced to suck it up and get on with it or she would have to go and speak to her father.
There is literally nothing you can do you talking to him as you’ve demonstrated over and over again has absolutely no effect whatsoever so she needs to muster up all that energy that she’s currently pouring into whingeing to you and direct that to him

AskingforaBaskin · 10/04/2022 18:03

His failures are not his daughter or OPs tasks to resolve. She has spoken to him. He hasn't listened.

Nothappyatwork · 10/04/2022 18:03

@Namechange671 if we had a pound for everybody who turns up to mumsnet and claims to be a family lawyer we’d be millionaire so you’ll have to excuse me taking this with a pinch of salt. I did say that the age was the reason a family court wouldn’t be involved. Repeatedly.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/04/2022 18:16

@Maroony

I should add that when he knows she only wants to stay one night he texts her and makes her feel guilty (I do understand to a degree, he just wants to see her).
If he wants to see her, then why is she bored? Or by 'see her' does he mean the two of them in the same room watching the same TV program but not really interacting?

If he does really want to see her, then he needs to pull his finger out of his arse and make his home attractive to DD - simple things like enough food so she doesn't get hungry, and not gluten-free if she finds that unpalatable. (Does he really need to be told that a 15 year-old needs a lot more food than his 9 year-old?) A space of her own too rather than sharing with a child who wakes her with night terrors, although I realise that might be harder to provide.

If he's not willing to address the food issue at the very least, then he has only himself to blame. She's 15. Old enough to make decisions about staying over with her non-resident parent, and have that decision respected by the adults. Because it would be respected by a judge if he was stupid enough to try to take you to court.

And I would also be telling him to stop being a manipulative guilt-tripping fucker. Or does he really want to teach her that she should expect to be guilt-tripped and manipulated by her future boyfriends?

Original poster
Maroony · 10/04/2022 18:21

@WhereYouLeftIt Well when she FaceTimed me on Friday night she was sat in the living room on her own whilst her Dad was upstairs playing Xbox, her step mum was out and step sister dancing in the bedroom they share.

OP posts:
crazyplanet · 10/04/2022 18:22

[quote Nothappyatwork]@Maroony that is exactly what they say, interfering with the father/child relationship. You do need to stop taking the FaceTime calls from her if she’s going if she’s not fine but if she’s there she’s there to see her father not spend her time whingeing to you about him doesn’t do her any good.[/quote]
If my child rings me I would always answer as long as it was possible. Not a chance in hell I would ignore his call.
15 is an age they are probably wanting to be independent about how much contact they have but need advice and support to be comfortable in being independent.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/04/2022 18:26

[quote Maroony]@WhereYouLeftIt Well when she FaceTimed me on Friday night she was sat in the living room on her own whilst her Dad was upstairs playing Xbox, her step mum was out and step sister dancing in the bedroom they share. [/quote]
So that really does mean that when he says he wants to see her, it's piffle. If he wanted to see her he's be spending those precious two days in her company, not communing with his feckin' XBox!

Fuck him, he's had his chance (with DD) and he's muffed it. And I'd be telling him that in no uncertain terms, and leaving it to DD to decide what level of contact she wants.

Probably best to warn him off the guilt-tripping and manipulation too, because like I said, he's effectively training her to respond to guilt-tripping and manipulation and he is doing his daughter absolutely no favours there.

VelvetChairGirl · 10/04/2022 18:36

Why doesnt he get some food in for her and let her play the xbox or something or buy some more things for here to do, like netflix or something

crazyplanet · 10/04/2022 18:38

I personally would be advising your daughter to be fair about keeping a level of contact with her dad, but also that what level of contact that is is up to her.
Help her to be comfortable putting her boundaries in place, including not to be guilt tripped.
I don't think you need to have contact on her behalf, just her knowing that you support her and she has a right to decide on overnights should do.

Unsure33 · 10/04/2022 18:44

It’s a difficult age , but I think she should actually sit down and speak to her dad herself and explain the problems and how she feels .if she wants to be listened to she needs to communicate directly with her father.

Original poster
Maroony · 10/04/2022 19:17

DD seems to think they can't afford to buy both gluten and regular food so only get gluten free.

OP posts:
Peppaismyrolemodel · 10/04/2022 19:18

Good grief, now the average mnetter just ‘knows what a judge would say’ Hmm

Nothappyatwork · 10/04/2022 19:22

@Peppaismyrolemodel

Good grief, now the average mnetter just ‘knows what a judge would say’ Hmm
@Peppaismyrolemodel this particular mumsnetter has had nearly 15 years of family court, so yes I can second-guess before they open their mouth‘s,
BreadInCaptivity · 10/04/2022 19:29

OP at 15 she is of an age to start deciding her own arrangements.

It's not your place to force/cajole her into spending time in a place she doesn't want to.

It's up to her father to resolve the issues that mean she doesn't want to spend time there.

Frankly I'd be unwilling to stay 24hours in a place where I had no privacy, was being annoyed/provoked, couldn't get a decent nights sleep and was constantly hungry - never mind a weekend.

I'm not suggesting that non resident parents need to cater for every whim, but the issues your DD has raised are not unreasonable to want to have resolved (especially being hungry/bored/provoked) and frankly you need to tell him that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/04/2022 19:31

@Maroony

DD seems to think they can't afford to buy both gluten and regular food so only get gluten free.
He needs to provide food for his daughter. Food she will eat. No ifs, no buts.

And if he chooses not to, he cannot complain about her not wanting to be there. (Grin Well of course he can complain and undoubtedly will, but he still has no right to complain and no right to be listened to.)

MrsWooster · 10/04/2022 19:31

Nothappy
If your experience of working in family court has led you to describe a mum answering her daughter’s calls as “facilitating whinging”, I sincerely feel for your clients.

liveforsummer · 10/04/2022 19:39

[quote Nothappyatwork]@AskingforaBaskin I did say that it wouldn’t get near a family court because of her age 🤦‍♀️🙄🤦‍♀️
However Family court does take a very dim view of one parent interfering with the relationship of the other on their contact time and the reason they take a dim view of it is because it isn’t good for the child to be bemoaning the one they are with to the other. And the other parent should not be facilitating the moaning.[/quote]
Omg she's not interfering. Ignoring her would be really damaging to their own relationship and her daughters trust and confidence in her mum. Who cares about family court. Dd is 15!

Original poster
Maroony · 10/04/2022 19:44

@MrsWooster Thank you! I wouldn't of said my DD ringing me to say she was starving was her whinging!

OP posts:
Goldbar · 10/04/2022 19:52

She's 15. She gets to decide what relationship she wants with her dad now. If that's an occasional dinner or trip out but she prefers to sleep in her main home, then tough cheese to him.

He's had years to create a home environment in which she feels happy and comfortable. If she doesn't want to go there any more, he's failed and that's on his shoulders. Not yours.

Tell him it's none of your business and he needs to stop whining to you and communicate directly with your DD.

PumpkinPie2016 · 10/04/2022 19:58

YANBU - it sounds like her dad needs to make a bit more effort to be honest.

If the sleeping arrangements cannot be changed then he should be able to understand that his daughter doesn't want to have her sleep disturbed by younger daughters night terrors. Obviously, the child can't help it but he needs to accept one of the other options such as your daughter staying one night or not sleeping over but seeing him for more dinners.

If the food is an issue and it is genuinely a money problem, he could explain this to her and suggest she brings a few things from home that she likes.

He doesn't have to spend a lot, but he needs to make more effort with her.