Making my DD spend time with her Dad

[Maroony]

My DD15 stays every other weekend at her Dad's, and goes for dinner one night every other week. When she's there she shares a room with her step sister who is 9.

For the past 6 months DD hasn't been wanting to stay the full weekend, for a number of reasons. The cupboards are generally pretty empty so she's always hungry, she gets woken up by her step sister who has night terrors or who is just generally trying to annoy her, she has no personal space, it's boring. I could go on.

She's been asking to stay just one night at the weekend. Her Dad has agreed to this for a couple of months but has now started moaning at me that he wants her to stay the full weekend again. I get accused of not backing him up when I don't 'force' her to stay both days. I've suggested he meet her halfway, allow her to stay one night but maybe increase the amount of dinners he has her, but this was refused.

She's just returned from the weekend there where she spent nearly the whole 48 hours FaceTiming or texting me because she was either bored, hungry, or being pestered by her step sister.

AIBU in not insisting that she stays the full weekend? I'm being made out to be the bad one here but I believe at her age she should have the choice.

At 15 she can make her own mind up, but I think needs to talk to her dad

Next time he starts on you just tell him, she is 15 I can’t force her to do anything, you need to talk to her to find out why she won’t stay

She is 15. She is old enough to manage the relationship herself. I wouldn't get involved with her contact. I wouldn't step in. She needs to say no and he needs to hear it from her not you. I would send her with snacks if she is starving. Does she get pocket money?

Lots of normal food is gluten free: all fruit, vegetables, dairy products, meat fish, rice, nuts etc. Does she not eat any of these?

Gf bread is pretty grim but it's also very expensive so it would be much cheaper for them to buy regular bread for everyone who doesnt need gluten free. Ditto pasta, although no one in my family can tell the difference. So which foods exactly is she having a problem with?

[quote Maroony]@MrsWooster Thank you! I wouldn't of said my DD ringing me to say she was starving was her whinging! [/quote]
I'd say it was highly unlikely. What is all this gluten free yet inedible food she is being offered?

Why is she bored? Can’t she continue her life as usual, ie go out with her friends etc, while staying a her dad’s?

@Porcupineintherough I'm not entirely sure. I know they had gluten free pasta at the weekend which DD said wasn't very nice. DD has some issues around food textures/tastes so it might seem worse to her than it actually is!

If there is someone in their household with Coeliac disease then it would be common for the household to be gluten free. It minimizes the risk of cross contamination. Gluten free is not that restrictive of a diet. There are many many naturally gluten free foods - apart from food that is a gluten free alternative. Op should ensure there isn't someone with CD before sending snacks.

The answers across threads are also interesting. In the stepparent thread, they are arguing that a sofa bed or sofa in the living room is sufficient for a teen who doesn't live there full time. Sharing a room with a younger sibling isn't fun but it seems better than most feel is necessary on that board.

Lots of teens are bored - what does she do at home? Can she still see friends from dads if they live close and do what she would normally do? I get she doesn't really feel at home there and that is always tricky for a teen who only spends a couple weekends a month at a second residence.

He hasn't mentioned finances to me I only got the letter advising the uplift on Wednesday. He obviously got it earlier.

This was my message to him when he said we should be forcing contact.. im trying to the fair!

DDs emotional well being is my top priority and forcing overnights given her anxiety around this is absolutely not the answer here.

You really need to work on your relationship with her and make her feel comfortable staying. She has enough to deal with settling into school, doing her homework and general growing up emotions without the added pressure and anxiety around forcing this issue. I feel at this moment in time it will be determental to not only her but your relationship with her.

She feels angry with you and I don't know exactly why and she can't verbalise it to offer an explanation. Forcing this upon her with make her more angry and could push her further away from you.

I do absolutely want to work on building the nights back into her routine again. I think we should start with every other Friday and build on it from there and see how she gets on. She has requested that xx not be there overnight. I do feel you need to make more effort where you can and work allows during the week. Maybe inviting her around for dinner. Happy to drop off and pick pick to facilitate this. This would be a good opportunity to maybe have DD cook dinner with X (DF GF) to help build their relationship too. I think she would enjoy that.

She's having counselling outside school at the moment working on strategies to deal with her anxiety and emotions. I am not present in these sessions I sit outside. If you have health insurnace cover through work could you look into doing further sessions through this and maybe doing some together?

I fully support getting back into a routine and having some nights back myself but forcing it week in week out is really not the way to go for any of us.

Sorry completely wrong post.