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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think I’m a completely shit parent

59 replies

Brightsunnydayinapril · 10/04/2022 11:58

And I’m posting this here so I get flamed to be honest.

I am utterly shit and I had such high hopes - some of it wasn’t my fault but some totally is/was.

I just couldn’t get my head around breastfeeding so that was a no go even though I really wanted to do it.

Weaning was a disaster and still is, my toddler won’t touch anything I make.

Not even close to sleeping through which I don’t think is my fault but it does mean I’m permanently tired.

Obsessed with dummy. Keep trying to take it off him but sabotaged at every turn.

Has a forward facing car seat.

Sometimes I feel like I might as well light a cigarette up and have done with it

OP posts:

RagzRebooted · 10/04/2022 11:59

SNAFU. That's pretty standard OP, we're all shit xx

brookstar · 10/04/2022 12:05

You've described me OP.
DS is 7 now. It doesn't matter that he wasn't breastfed, he eats EVERYTHING and sleeps in occasionally...., it gets better I promise you.

Plus my DS told me last night that I'm the best mummy in the world so I can't be so bad.

Toddlers are hard work. I'm sure you're doing a fabulous job.

AHungryCaterpillar · 10/04/2022 12:07

Ok none of that is a big deal thought you was going to say much worse?

Seajelly4life · 10/04/2022 12:07

Awww please don’t be so hard on yourself! Loads of people don’t even consider BF, like it’s not even an option for them because it grosses them out or whatever, sleeping as you say is not your fault, it’s a very common and well-known problem trying to get rid of the dummy and the only reason you introduced it was to comfort or settle your LO which is definitely not a crime in my eyes! Also, I tried doggedly to do all the ‘right’ things regarding weaning and my toddler is still really fussy with food! Keep offering and give it time, that’s what I tell myself to stay sane! The fact you’re worrying so much about all this shows that you are a good mum!

Original poster

Brightsunnydayinapril · 10/04/2022 12:09

Thanks, probably being stupid but I felt like crying and screaming myself when he refused his food! Maybe that’s why toddler bowls have suctions on them but it’s honestly driving me mental. He just won’t eat for me.

OP posts:

MuchTooTired · 10/04/2022 12:09

@Brightsunnydayinapril

And I’m posting this here so I get flamed to be honest.

I am utterly shit and I had such high hopes - some of it wasn’t my fault but some totally is/was.

I just couldn’t get my head around breastfeeding so that was a no go even though I really wanted to do it.

Weaning was a disaster and still is, my toddler won’t touch anything I make.

Not even close to sleeping through which I don’t think is my fault but it does mean I’m permanently tired.

Obsessed with dummy. Keep trying to take it off him but sabotaged at every turn.

Has a forward facing car seat.

Sometimes I feel like I might as well light a cigarette up and have done with it

Jesus, you’re not a shit parent. If you are, so am I!

I didn’t bf either, my milk never came in properly.

Weaning was also a shit show once my DTs had tasted a chip, they’ve been on beige food ever since and will reject anything else. They’re now 4.

Admittedly they do sleep through, but as far as I can make out I’m just bloody lucky with that. I’ve had my fair share of non sleeping patches with them though, and getting DD to sleep is a mission.

Dummy was swapped for a toy when DS was 2 1/4, but he has speech issues so I threw them all out as I know I’m weak and would give it back to him if I had any.

Mine were forward facing as soon as legally allowed.

I restarted smoking when they were 8 weeks old. Not something I’m proud of but I was in a horrible dark space with pnd and so sleep deprived I was amazed I wasn’t dead.

I also needed ivf, had an elcs, probably let them watch too much tv and hate the holidays and can’t wait for them to go back to nursery even though I love them to pieces. They’re mainly feral, my house looks like I’ve been robbed constantly, and I have zero patience.

You really aren’t a shit parent, you’re just a parent doing their best and muddling through same as the rest of us. I’m not the mother I thought I’d be, but I’m doing my best by them and they’re happy confident little people and they love me.

Seajelly4life · 10/04/2022 12:10

Oh and my 2yo DD has a forward facing car seat, has done since she was less than a year old, and for the last 10 months it has even been in the front of the car because I weighed up the risk of me getting distracted with her in the back and made an executive decision!

ChiselandBits · 10/04/2022 12:10

Until a couple of years ago all kids part a year were in furward facing seats. Loads, including mine were not BF. Weaning is a hotch potch and means nothing. Mine are loads of good stuff when weaning, a decade later its mostly beige crap. Give yourself a break

Seajelly4life · 10/04/2022 12:13

@Brightsunnydayinapril

Yep I feel like crying too when she won’t eat, it really gets to me an irrational amount! But I think that’s just because we’re worried about them. Overall though I’m told they will get enough to eat. They won’t starve themselves. Keep your chin up, it’s really really hard being a parent with more self doubt than I ever imagined.

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/04/2022 12:20

God I hated weaning. I found it easier to also be eating sometimes, DD just sitting with us during lunch or whenever and handing her a little bit to squish and lick at while we ate was less stressful. She ate so much Weetabix, porridge and pasta for sooooo long. Then when she was a bit older we established that new things had to have a mouthful properly eaten before declaring how she felt about it. But that was like 4yo or something.

You don't say about a partner so I assume you're doing this alone? What support do you have? Do you go to playgroups or anything where you can find adult company who understand how exhausting toddlers can be?

BambinaJAS · 10/04/2022 12:24

The 1st year of child care is simply awful in terms of being tired.

I think I aged like ten years in that one year.

You are basically running on fumes all day, every day.

What kind of support (if any) do you have?

DropYourSword · 10/04/2022 12:26

I don't see how anything you've mentioned makes you a shit parent.

It just makes you a parent. Literally every single one of us has gone through pretty much exactly the same!

FixTheBone · 10/04/2022 12:26

Lighting up the cigarette would be the only 'completely shit parent' thing on that list for me,

We've got 7 kids aged 22 down to 3, all of them have been subjected to at least one, if not more of the 'horrors' on your list for one reason or another, and they're all turning out to be pretty successful and well adjusted young individuals.

There's no right way to do parenting, the thing I've learned is that each child is unique in their needs.

Original poster

Brightsunnydayinapril · 10/04/2022 12:27

Am with dad, sorry, just didn’t mention as didn’t seem relevant. Unfortunately we are six months past the first year!

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/04/2022 12:31

Toddlers are relentless. They can move independently, they want things, they can't express that well. You just do what you need to get through it.

I'm hoping that you get a break regularly and dad takes over?

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 10/04/2022 12:33

Feeding a child is a deeply emotive issue - it speaks to the very heart of our mothering. And it’s why I get the rage when the main thrust of bf-ing support is to emotionally guilt new mums instead of facilitating actual meaningful support.

Similarly there are whole fucking industries built on weaning.

But there’s feck all information on the emotional and psychological effects of hormonal fluctuations. I wasn’t really sane until my youngest was 3, and all of a sudden reason and rationality flooded back and I could see these kinds of issues in context.

I suspect that you’re not just in the grip of early mothering, and sleep deprivation, but also deep in the hormone soup. I can 100% guarantee that you’re doing better than you think. Just hang in there for now.

DealWithTheDevilAtTheCrossroad · 10/04/2022 12:35

God, it is frustrating when they won't eat the food you've made for them. I remember my friend telling me that her toddler gagged and vomited at the first bite of the adoringly prepared Annabel Karmel spaghetti bolognese. She said she had to run out of the room and leave him sitting in his high chair so she wouldn't, in her sleep deprived state, throw the lovingly prepared bowl of pasta across the dining room.

I sympathise. It's so easy to have high hopes of parenting - the famous saying, "I was the perfect parent until I had children"

20viona · 10/04/2022 12:36

Chop the end off all the dummies. They are broken, they don't get replaced they can be held in their hand but they don't go in the mouth anymore. It works honestly. Start with something like that. You're not shit.

Crayfishforyou · 10/04/2022 12:37

You’re not a shit parent, toddlers are arseholes

LimeSegment · 10/04/2022 12:39

Oh how embarrassing, I saw the title and clicked on the thread thinking I'd see some of the things I do and feel better, none of them are here though.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/04/2022 12:39

^Sometimes I feel like I might as well light a cigarette up and have done with it^
🤣 great ending.

You're doing a great job with lots of resistance and little sleep it's challenging at the best of times at that age, when you've a determined DC it's a bigger challenge.

There are plenty of lovely time ahead.

berksandbeyond · 10/04/2022 12:40

If you think forward facing makes you a shit parent then just rear face them? Pretty straight forward. DD is rear facing and she’s 3.5 and 103cm tall, it can be done if you want to.
The rest sounds like normal life with kids tbh

SpiderinaWingMirror · 10/04/2022 12:47

Lol. The only thing I stuck with was not smoking.
Mind you with the older 2, it was pre internet. So my only source of comparison was cliquey mother and toddler groups, tumble tots and Parenting magazine!
I went back to work to feel normal and was judged for doing that!

Mulhollandmagoo · 10/04/2022 12:55

Parenting toddlers is so frustrating!!!! And none of those things make you a bad parent at all! In fact they're pretty standard among lots of toddler parents. You sound super tired and worn down, does your partner do some of the night wakes so you can get a full nights sleep?

Gowithme · 10/04/2022 12:55

These are the worst years IMO OP, the first 2 were just relentless and absolutely draining - and you have toilet training to look forward to in year 3! I have a 16 year old and he's a dream now compared to those first years. I think though when the first years are so difficult the rest seems like a breeze in comparison. It definitely will get better because lets face it, how could it get worse?

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