I think I’m a completely shit parent

[Brightsunnydayinapril]

And I’m posting this here so I get flamed to be honest.

I am utterly shit and I had such high hopes - some of it wasn’t my fault but some totally is/was.

I just couldn’t get my head around breastfeeding so that was a no go even though I really wanted to do it.

Weaning was a disaster and still is, my toddler won’t touch anything I make.

Not even close to sleeping through which I don’t think is my fault but it does mean I’m permanently tired.

Obsessed with dummy. Keep trying to take it off him but sabotaged at every turn.

Has a forward facing car seat.

Sometimes I feel like I might as well light a cigarette up and have done with it

Easter is a perfect time to give up the dummy -get your child to leave them out before bed and swap them for an Easter egg for when they wake up in the morning? Would something like that work?

None of it's a big deal, apart from the car seat, which can be turned surely?

I feel your pain with the eating business - I used to get so frustrated and irrational around meal times when my DD would refuse food I had lovingly prepared. She would look at me, hold her arm over the highchair and drop everything. We got a plastic mat thing to put under the chair and repeatedly put the food back - she soon stopped. Eventually I stopped stressing, I think she picked up on my anxieties around meal times and once I relaxed, she did too.
You're not a shit parent

Please don’t worry about him not eating. I wish someone had told me when my eldest was little that they won’t starve themselves, and eventually they do eat. She’s 13 now and has a pretty good diet. Not perfect, but she eats most of what is put in front of her! But the only thing she ate for years was scrambled egg and yogurt. I thought she would die. She didn’t. With kids number 2 and 3 I didn’t worry. Number 2 is a brilliant eater, number 3 is fussy as f* but will eat smoked salmon and prawns. Go figure. Number 2 was a brilliant eater but I thought I’d die of sleep deprivation. They’re all bloody annoying in their own way. Number 3 had a dummy, slept with me, I bottle fed. She’s the smartest one 😜

You’re not shit. You’re absolutely not shit. Do whatever it takes to survive.

Well, the car seat is an easy fix if it bothers you. Just get a RF one.

Toddlers throw food and are a pain. It's a fact of life. I always preferred DD eating the same as us precisely for that reason - seeing dinner hurled onto the floor isn't as bad when you haven't made it specially just for them! Just don't stress about food - it'll be messy, stuff will get chucked on floor, just keep on going. It gets better.

Never too late to turn them back rear facing if you wanted 😃 and it's 5x safer in an accident. My DC is 3 still rear facing and will be til at least 4. You're not a shit parent because you care about all of these things. Honestly the sleep and food thing is not even your fault, most kids are the same

@Crayfishforyou

You’re not a shit parent, toddlers are arseholes

🤣🤣 and sociopaths!!

There are some really good tips on colourful creative platters on ticktock.

Let it go. Are you patient and kind with your child / children? And do you try to do your best everyday? At least there is an intention. That is enough. Inputs matter not outcomes with young ones.

Do you offer good food and do your best (at least some of the time!) to model healthy eating? If so, that’s enough. It is then up to the child whether they eat good food or not. You can’t force them. More than likely they will eat very well in a couple of years.

If your child likes a dummy, let them be comforted. One of mine walks around with 5 like they are holding onto treasure. Good luck to them I say.

We have musical beds at our house. We muddle through sleeping at night. I am doing my best. I can’t reason with a child who is tired and can escape a cot. I now embrace the evening bedtime journey and discovering where I might wake up, and with whom bedside me.

Breastfeeding is for most extremely hard. There is inadequate support on the NHS for mothers to breastfeed so unless you have a child with a great suck, and you have a perfect nipple for BFing, or you had money money to pay a BF consultant for early guidance to give you the support you otherwise might have needed, well frankly you did the best you could in the circumstances.

Love your child / children and try to do best, as much as your emotional / physical / mental health affords, and that is enough.

There are probably 20 things you have already done well today for your child / children, and to be proud of as a mother. Focus on these.

Cherish the things which are going well and be kind to yourself regarding other aspects of parenting which might need more time

None of those things are remotely bad!

My oldest loved his dummy. When he was about 2 I couldn’t find one for nap so decided today was the day to get rid. It wasn’t a great day. What worked for us was cutting the top off the dummy. Then he could still hold it but it was “broken”. I’d say it took 3 days for him to completely lose interest, but first night was hard. A new comfort toy seemed to help with the transition

Bless you OP.

You're not a completely shit parent. You are a parent having a completely shit time.

18mo toddlers are the absolute bloody worst. Non-eating 18mo toddlers are even worse than the worst. My DC refusing to eat meals was the most infuriating thing ever and it used to make me want to scream.

All three of mine were FF in the car by 9m because they whined relentlessly in the rear facing seat.

And honestly, honestly. it will ALL be seeming worse because of the lack of sleep.

18m was the worst stage for me out of every single one so far (and my eldest is nearly 18, so that includes teenagers). It will get so much better.

Arseholes and sociopaths 🙌
There are days when my bar is so low we are belly flopping to the finishing line. Alive, clean and mostly fed with some sanity intact is a good day! Weaning is hard, it’s infuriating at times and soul destroying when they launch your beautifully made and presented dinner up the wall. It does get better, loads of good advice here!

Breastfeeding doesn't matter, honestly it doesn't. Food: as long as your child eats something he's fine and the car seat thing - step away from internet crazies who think that putting your kid forward facing has any bearing on your ability to parent. Mine forward faced from 9 months and theyre fine. Of all the things to worry about as a parent, putting them in a perfectly safe and legal car seat isn't one of them!!!

Don't be harsh with the dummy. Babies have an innate need to suck, especially in the first 4 months as they are building milk supply. They have to suck, that's why they need a dummy nipple.

I felt like this with my first, that I had to be perfect. I'm 3 kids in and I couldn't give a fuck anymore tbh. Everyone fed and no ones dead is my motto. Even if that means they've eaten wotsits and a banana all day. Its easier to roll with the punches then fight back.

At first I was so worried about being judged, now if anyone looks at me wrong they get a death stare. I'm just doing what I can to survive the chaos. My youngest has only just given up her dummy at 4. And no, I don't care because she loved that thing. I'm a good Mum, I'm patient and loving most of the times, my house is clean and safe, the kids get to school and nursery clean and fed and on time. We all love the bones off each other and they are kind and funny kids. Thats all that matters as far as I'm concerned.

The fact you think and worry you're a shit parent means you're not. Shit parents don't care about what they may be doing wrong. You're doing a great job, toddlers are cute for a reason. They're tiny dictators but it will get better (I hope anyway as I'm feeling the exact same way as you!)

Oh OP, fucking up your kids takes a long term sustained effort, not just being a less than Instagram perfect Mum. If you really want to get the shit parenting right, you have to not actually care whether you’re a good parent or not. Evidently you’re failing miserably at this, so don’t worry.

Toddlers are hard work, and to be honest all bets are off at that stage because they’re also different. Just getting through it is achievement enough. Hang in there, everything will work out fine in the end.

@Brightsunnydayinapril

Thanks, probably being stupid but I felt like crying and screaming myself when he refused his food! Maybe that’s why toddler bowls have suctions on them but it’s honestly driving me mental. He just won’t eat for me.

I think you take his eating very personally. You say he just "won't eat for me".

I think he can probably sense all the intense feelings that are involved.

Maybe try to dial down the investment in his eating a bit? All toddlers are super fussy and the vast majority turn our alright in the end.

Do the "my job to offer, his job to eat" thing in your mind. That is - you offer him a range of food to eat, carbs, meat, veg, bread, whatever. He chooses what if anything he eats. You can encourage but at the end of the day, his choice.

He will probably reject lots of food - just offer small plates of what your having.

But it takes the battle and the emotional intensity out of it.

Also if you get him involved in making sth he will be more likely to eat it.

PS mine had dummies till they were three! It really does not matter. Really it doesn't.

Well I have a 19 month old and I find it horribly difficult, and I never had issues with a dummy (never took to it) and mine sleeps well! So I can't imagine how tired and run down you must feel.

Just wanted to send solidarity, you are definitely not a shit parent. Quite the opposite!

Honestly op don't beat yourself up. I am all of those things!! No bf, shit sleeper (she's 4 and I still have to go in her bed some nights), eats like a bird, house is a shit tip.

I try to look at all the good things we have, we make each other laugh, she does such funny things, she loves dressing up, she is such a lovely cuddly girl and we have the best time snuggling and watching a film, she's brilliant at drawing.

If my house is covered in princess dresses and random scraps of paper with drawings on I'm not allowed to throw away, or sticks she takes a fancy to, then so be it.

Oh and she had a dummy and was still in a nappy until 3.5 because it took me 4 times to train her. And she's now started to hold in her poo after being sorted for so long.

It never ends!!!

Breastfeeding...so what. You're one of about 99 percent who dont successfully breastfeed long term. If you're shit because of this so are 99 percent of mothers.

Sleep...normal. if its something you want to work on do. If not. Ride it out. Lots of good gentle advice out there for improving sleep. Sleep is not a reflection on your parenting or child. I have a child who slept through from 3 months. I have a friend who co sleeps and her DD doesnt sleep through at 19 months. I see her as a better parent than me in many respects. Nothing to do with how our children sleep.

Car seat...your choice. If you can do rear facing it is safer as you clearly know. But so many parents dont do it and don't worry. So do what works for you.

Dummy.. again you know they're meant to be gone by 1 ideally but again soooo many people dont do this and survive. I know 4 year olds with dummies. If its something you want rid of then do it when youre ready and have a clear plan and ride it out when you're in a positive place to do this.

Food..it is NORMAL for toddlers not to eat everything and have fussy phases. 9/10 it is little to do with weaning. Long term fussiness ime is due to parental response to toddler fussiness. There are so many good tips on this. But i would suggest golden rules of

• eat together and eat the same foods.

-offer 1 safe food per meal. So even if its bread as a side. -small portions that are not overwhelming. Offer more if eaten. -take the pressure off! Children know their own appetite. Dont force food on them. Don't encourage them to eat something. But lead by example (saying yum yum as you eat is fine or asking them 'is that tasty yum yum' etc when they eat is ok) Praise positive behaviour at the table. But don't be overbearing. Trust your child to eat what they need! And let go of the need to force your child to eat x amount. Their eating is not a reflection on your success as a parent.

I’m so sorry everyone, just having an exhausted and overwhelmed moment, I really do appreciate the support.

Apart from car seat that was me all the way.
I’m not a perfect parent, but my boys are really kind, good people and know they are loved.