How do I make him leave?

Whiskeypowers · 09/04/2022 17:18

When does your tenancy end?
If he won’t go then you make plans to find somewhere else when your tenancy expires.

LittleOwl153 · 09/04/2022 17:29

How long is your tenancy? Is it private or social/Council? If the latter go speak to your housing officer. I think they will remove him if the children stay with you as they will seek to house the children.

If its private speak to the landlord. Tell them you need to split the tenancy so that one of you is removed. Tell ex that you intend to do this and does he want to stay and take it on or leave? Speak to the council about your options.

Otherwise stop doing ANYTHING for him. No cooking, no washing etc. Move his stuff into a spare space - give up the living room if need be to use as a bedroom - and ignore. Make it absolutely clear you want nothing to do with him going forward.

If you landlord/Council won't help then you'll have to find a way of moving yourself eventually.

Original poster

erinperin · 09/04/2022 17:43

I think we're just on a rolling contract now as it was for 1 year originally which has long passed. The problem is rents are do high that I can't afford to pay a deposit and move somewhere else. Our rent here hasn't been raised since we moved here so we're paying below market rates just now. I believe I would be entitled to benefits if we split. He earns more than me at the moment but he is so bad with money. Its not unusual for him to spend it all in a weekend and have nothing to show for it. I still pay all bills because last year I found out he had been lying to me about paying stuff and we were thousands of pounds in debt. That means I have nothing left once bills are paid so I can't save.

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D0lphine · 09/04/2022 18:01

Can you borrow money from a relative or from the bank to help you move out?

AWOL66 · 09/04/2022 18:13

This sounds beyond stressful. I'd go to Citizens Advice Bureau and also seek advice from women's abuse charities. Emotional abuse is abuse. Maybe you could relocate to a new area far away. It strikes me he's the reason for your financial situation now. Having a parasite type entitled f&ck boy mentality person rather than the loyal type who wants to build on what's there means you will never reach YOUR potential. You've been mentally abused - but there is hope for you and your children. Many women have escaped such situations. Good luck X

Original poster

erinperin · 09/04/2022 18:20

No I'm not in a position to borrow money. My credit rating is rubbish because of all of the debt. A couple of years ago he was taking out payday loans on my name. I only found out when they started taking repayments. He managed it 3 times before he (I?) started getting rejected. I can't even get an overdraft. If I split the tenancy I can't afford to go anywhere else and I won't be able to go through the homeless route as they will consider me to have made myself intentionally homeless by leaving here. I'm going to put us on the housing list anyway, but we would have any kind of priority so will be bottom of the list. It could easily take 10+ years.

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NetflixMom21 · 09/04/2022 18:42

You might still be able to get a court order to get him out, domestic abuse isn’t just physical, I would ring women’s charities and have a chat with them xx

Original poster

erinperin · 09/04/2022 19:03

I'm not sure. I've just looked at women's aid as they have email options and a forum and it says they might refer to social services if they think children are at risk. This terrifies me. I was in care as a teenager and the amount of lies and twisting of the truth to fit their narrative by social services was insane. Until I turned 16 when they dumped me in a homeless bedsit with no support and that was it. Obviously there will be many situations where this will be necessary but it really puts me off reaching out.

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Clarinet1 · 09/04/2022 19:11

It seems to me that he has committed fraud by taking out the
Payday loans in your name. I would talk to the police about this - possibly not until he’s moved out though.

D0lphine · 09/04/2022 19:13

@erinperin

No I'm not in a position to borrow money. My credit rating is rubbish because of all of the debt. A couple of years ago he was taking out payday loans on my name. I only found out when they started taking repayments. He managed it 3 times before he (I?) started getting rejected. I can't even get an overdraft. If I split the tenancy I can't afford to go anywhere else and I won't be able to go through the homeless route as they will consider me to have made myself intentionally homeless by leaving here. I'm going to put us on the housing list anyway, but we would have any kind of priority so will be bottom of the list. It could easily take 10+ years.

Sounds like you're being financially abused - have a look at this...

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

Why not give womens aid a ring?

Take care OP x

VelvetChairGirl · 09/04/2022 19:21

@erinperin

I'm not sure. I've just looked at women's aid as they have email options and a forum and it says they might refer to social services if they think children are at risk. This terrifies me. I was in care as a teenager and the amount of lies and twisting of the truth to fit their narrative by social services was insane. Until I turned 16 when they dumped me in a homeless bedsit with no support and that was it. Obviously there will be many situations where this will be necessary but it really puts me off reaching out.

womens aid are lovely, they cant do much but they offered me solidarity and put me in touch with a local charity.

Natty13 · 09/04/2022 19:36

So he steals from your children but you only want rid of him only now you've caught him cheating again. Right.

BetsyBigNose · 09/04/2022 19:39

You've already had some really good advice on this thread, the suggestions I would have given you have already been made, so I just wanted to reinforce to you that you are worth SO much more than this cocklodger. You have taken the first step in making this decision and you and your children will be so much happier without him - and just imagine how much less stressed you will be! I wish you and your DC the best.

2bazookas · 09/04/2022 19:42

Make life uncomfortable for him.

Send his parents/siblings/workmates his messages to other women and tell them all you're finished with him and he has to move out so the children won't be homeless.

Then show the messages to the husbands/partners of the other women

VelvetChairGirl · 09/04/2022 19:47

Get a boyfriend and bring him round the house often.

TheRealityCheque · 09/04/2022 20:14

@erinperin

Our relationship has never been great. It was very casual in the beginning until I fell pregnant about 2 years in. 8 years later and we're very unhappy. I found out that he has been cheating on me for pretty much our entire relationship. He's adamant he hasn't cheated although it seems our definitions of cheating vary greatly. Back in 2016 I found messages between him and another woman purely by chance. I have never been one to snoop, he had left himself logged into Facebook on my laptop, I didn't realise he was logged in and I checked what I thought were my own messages as I had notifications. I found messages between him and another woman dating from 2013 (when our first child was born). These were sexually explicit and included pictures from both parties and they constantly talked about meeting up for sex although I can't confirm this ever happened. He was messaging her while me and his premature daughter were still in hospital. I knew this woman. Myself and my partner used to work together and he painted her as a stalker. He was a chef and she used to come in on her lunch break, always alone, she would always ask if he was working. It was a running joke and everyone that worked there knew her as his stalker. I was devastated, truly heartbroken, I didn't eat for a week and I wanted him gone. Looking back I was so depressed at that time and wasn't able to deal with it properly. Things gradually went back to normal although all trust was gone and ever since then I've checked his phone semi-regularly. I hate myself for doing it. The next instance happened when I was heavily pregnant with our 2ndchild. I found messages to one of his friends bragging about kissing a girl on a night out. According to him it never happened, he was lying to his friend to make himself seem 'cool'. Apparently I'd been a bitch during this pregnancy (I was incredibly stressed as we were trying to move house and he wasn't helping, again I was heavily pregnant and couldn't do anything). He'd also went to Ireland for a long weekend with the same friend group so that made me very suspicious. I found a message to a random girl sent at 2.30am. She never replied so I don't know if he'd been with her or he was just being a creep. There's also been a few overly flirtatious messages that I'm not happy with but he doesn't see a problem with them. He's not affectionate with me, we never really have sex and we're pretty much like 2 strangers who live together so it hurts all the more when I see him being caring and interested in other people.

2 weeks ago I found some very explicit messages on his phone from a woman who lives literally across the street. He is good friends with her boyfriend. Obviously she knows he has a girlfriend and kids. Between the sexually explicit messages are ones from him saying he told her not to back to him, and they would be together if it wasn't for her boyfriend and our kids. No mention of me whatsoever from either of them of course. I told him I wanted him gone. As usual he's refusing to leave, saying that he'll change and it doesn't mean anything, he loves us etc etc. I hate him. I wanted him to leave 6 years ago but he's like a parasite and just will kit leave. He makes me miserable. He sucks the life out of me. He steals from our family, lies to us all the time, steals the children's Christmas money and lies about paying bills, and lies to his own parents to try and get money out of them claiming its to feed our kids. We rent our flat as joint tenants. Neither of us can afford to move out. I can't give up the tenancy or I will be making myself intentionally homeless. I have no family that could help. He does have his dad and his brother but he won't leave. Last Saturday he made a joke about coming back to bed (he's been sleeping in the living room since this all started). I got do angry when he left I blocked him on everything and told him he could email me for anything relating to the kids. I locked the door and when we got home we had a 2 hour stand off where I wouldn't let him in. I only agreed to let him in to sleep if he would start seriously looking for somewhere else to stay. He agreed.

It's now been a week and he has done nothing, hasn't even begun to look for places. I hate my life, I hate being here with him. I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach constantly, I can't focus on anything and I'm do angry. I know legally I have no right to make him leave as we are joint tenants. The only exception to this is for dv and although he has been emotionally and financially abusive I can't prove this. How do I get him to leave? I'll be 30 on Tuesday and I don't want to waste any more time being do unhappy. This has taken over my life for the last 10 years and worn me down as a person. I feel like I am nothing. How do I make him leave?

Why should HE move out?

It's a joint tenancy and you yourself say that neither of you can afford to leave.

It's a joint home a d he has as much right to stay as you do.

Original poster

erinperin · 09/04/2022 20:14

No I've wanted him gone for the last 6 years. This has been the icing on the cake. He wasn't stealing from the children 6 years ago, she was only 2 and didn't really have any money then. Unless you have anything constructive to add I suggest you take that attitude back under the bridge with the rest of the trolls.

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Original poster

erinperin · 09/04/2022 20:19

He should move out because he has been in the wrong this whole time. He has family around here, I don't. He could move in with them, I don't think he wants to face the shame in telling them. He could also afford another place on his own, although it may take him a few months to scrape together a deposit. He also won't be taking the kids with him, him moving means they won't have to move schools and away from friends, clubs etc. Also he pays nothing towards the bills here. That's why HE should leave.

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Original poster

erinperin · 09/04/2022 20:22

@VelvetChairGirl

Get a boyfriend and bring him round the house often.

Lol I have actually thought about this but it would be a horrible thing to do. Although I am incredibly lonely the last thing I want is another relationship, so doing this would be incredibly unfair on the other person, I would basically be using them. Although I have wondered if he would take it more seriously then.

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Cherrysoup · 09/04/2022 20:28

Can you afford the rent alone? Will he agree to get his name removed from the tenancy?

Foxylass · 09/04/2022 20:35

Can you speak to the landlord and agree with them to get the locks changed and move him out?
You say he has family that he can go to.

Original poster

erinperin · 09/04/2022 20:36

@Cherrysoup

Can you afford the rent alone? Will he agree to get his name removed from the tenancy?

I am already paying the rent alone after I found out in June 2020 when our landlord contacted me directly that he'd been lying to me and hadn't been paying it. I took it over and have just paid back the last of the debt we owed 2 months ago as I could only afford to make small payments towards this. Luckily our landlord is very understanding. I'm guessing he contacted me as he had been getting nowhere with my partner. Rents have gone up in our area now so I would struggle to pay for a new place. If we weren't together I would get benefits to help with this. There's no way I would be able to save for a deposit though as there is nothing left to save and deposits are usually at least 1 months rent but I have seen landlords asking for as much as 6 months for a deposit.

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Jannt86 · 09/04/2022 20:41

I think you need professional help OP and possibly even to seek legal proceedings regarding particularly his fraudulant use of your details for loans. I'd research coerssive control if you've never heard of it as it sounds as if some of his actions match with this. Good luck xx

Jannt86 · 09/04/2022 20:45

It may also be that since your original tenancy is up the landlord is within right to choose to end either one of your tenancies and therefore if you explained the situation to him might be able to solve your problem by allowing you to take sole tenancy of the property should you be able to afford it if that makes sense

VelvetChairGirl · 09/04/2022 20:53

how are you paying the rent?

is it bank transfer every month so it shows on your statements?

if so can you try and get a new tenancy as yours has lapsed with just you on it as you have been the sole contributor to the rent for 2 years.

then tell him to fuck off or your call the police?