How do I make him leave?

[erinperin]

Our relationship has never been great. It was very casual in the beginning until I fell pregnant about 2 years in. 8 years later and we're very unhappy. I found out that he has been cheating on me for pretty much our entire relationship. He's adamant he hasn't cheated although it seems our definitions of cheating vary greatly. Back in 2016 I found messages between him and another woman purely by chance. I have never been one to snoop, he had left himself logged into Facebook on my laptop, I didn't realise he was logged in and I checked what I thought were my own messages as I had notifications. I found messages between him and another woman dating from 2013 (when our first child was born). These were sexually explicit and included pictures from both parties and they constantly talked about meeting up for sex although I can't confirm this ever happened. He was messaging her while me and his premature daughter were still in hospital. I knew this woman. Myself and my partner used to work together and he painted her as a stalker. He was a chef and she used to come in on her lunch break, always alone, she would always ask if he was working. It was a running joke and everyone that worked there knew her as his stalker. I was devastated, truly heartbroken, I didn't eat for a week and I wanted him gone. Looking back I was so depressed at that time and wasn't able to deal with it properly. Things gradually went back to normal although all trust was gone and ever since then I've checked his phone semi-regularly. I hate myself for doing it. The next instance happened when I was heavily pregnant with our 2ndchild. I found messages to one of his friends bragging about kissing a girl on a night out. According to him it never happened, he was lying to his friend to make himself seem 'cool'. Apparently I'd been a bitch during this pregnancy (I was incredibly stressed as we were trying to move house and he wasn't helping, again I was heavily pregnant and couldn't do anything). He'd also went to Ireland for a long weekend with the same friend group so that made me very suspicious. I found a message to a random girl sent at 2.30am. She never replied so I don't know if he'd been with her or he was just being a creep. There's also been a few overly flirtatious messages that I'm not happy with but he doesn't see a problem with them. He's not affectionate with me, we never really have sex and we're pretty much like 2 strangers who live together so it hurts all the more when I see him being caring and interested in other people.

2 weeks ago I found some very explicit messages on his phone from a woman who lives literally across the street. He is good friends with her boyfriend. Obviously she knows he has a girlfriend and kids. Between the sexually explicit messages are ones from him saying he told her not to back to him, and they would be together if it wasn't for her boyfriend and our kids. No mention of me whatsoever from either of them of course. I told him I wanted him gone. As usual he's refusing to leave, saying that he'll change and it doesn't mean anything, he loves us etc etc. I hate him. I wanted him to leave 6 years ago but he's like a parasite and just will kit leave. He makes me miserable. He sucks the life out of me. He steals from our family, lies to us all the time, steals the children's Christmas money and lies about paying bills, and lies to his own parents to try and get money out of them claiming its to feed our kids. We rent our flat as joint tenants. Neither of us can afford to move out. I can't give up the tenancy or I will be making myself intentionally homeless. I have no family that could help. He does have his dad and his brother but he won't leave. Last Saturday he made a joke about coming back to bed (he's been sleeping in the living room since this all started). I got do angry when he left I blocked him on everything and told him he could email me for anything relating to the kids. I locked the door and when we got home we had a 2 hour stand off where I wouldn't let him in. I only agreed to let him in to sleep if he would start seriously looking for somewhere else to stay. He agreed.

It's now been a week and he has done nothing, hasn't even begun to look for places. I hate my life, I hate being here with him. I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach constantly, I can't focus on anything and I'm do angry. I know legally I have no right to make him leave as we are joint tenants. The only exception to this is for dv and although he has been emotionally and financially abusive I can't prove this. How do I get him to leave? I'll be 30 on Tuesday and I don't want to waste any more time being do unhappy. This has taken over my life for the last 10 years and worn me down as a person. I feel like I am nothing. How do I make him leave?

@Jannt86

I think you need professional help OP and possibly even to seek legal proceedings regarding particularly his fraudulant use of your details for loans. I'd research coerssive control if you've never heard of it as it sounds as if some of his actions match with this. Good luck xx

I definitely think you're right but it's so hard. I don't really know who to turn to because I have no way to prove it. He had my bank card and used my details so there's no way to prove it wasn't just me. Also he isn't violent and I don't fear for mine or my children's safety so it doesn't really seem like it's 'serious' enough. And after hearing about real victims of dv and how difficult it can be for them to be believed, and the hoops they have to jump through to get help. And the men are rarely punished. I see it in the paper all the time, somebody local tried to literally run his wife over with his car and he got a slap on the wrist. Some of them in the paper every week, nothing is ever done about it.

He's good for the emotional blackmail though. It's all tears and tells me he hates himself, wants to kill himself, he's nothing without us. When that doesn't work it's because I pushed him to it, because I'm such a bitch, because I'm not instantly meeting all of his needs. He literally just ignores me when he comes in from work, if I ask any questions I just get grunts.

got to say I feel sorry for the "stalker" its pretty bloody obvious if she was coming round during her lunch break to see him that she wasnt, so what bollocks did he spin to get everyone in their thinking shes stalker and laughing at her behind her back I wonder.

Tell the other woman’s bf?

@VelvetChairGirl

how are you paying the rent?

is it bank transfer every month so it shows on your statements?

if so can you try and get a new tenancy as yours has lapsed with just you on it as you have been the sole contributor to the rent for 2 years.

then tell him to fuck off or your call the police?

Yes I do pay it by bank transfer so I do have proof of this. I also have statements the landlord sent every few months which show the debt I was paying off, although this just shows the amount paid and outstanding over time, but I guess my bank statements would prove I was paying it. I guess I will have to try and get in touch with the landlord. He has always been very understanding although I barely know him.

I'm off work for the next 10 days as I took it off to cover Easter holidays and I'm dreading having to be around him.

If your landlord knows that you’re already paying all the rent alone and that your partner is a waster, you might be able to get the tenancy changed to be in your name only, and that would make it easier to make him move out.

@VelvetChairGirl

got to say I feel sorry for the "stalker" its pretty bloody obvious if she was coming round during her lunch break to see him that she wasnt, so what bollocks did he spin to get everyone in their thinking shes stalker and laughing at her behind her back I wonder.

I know, I was no longer working there when I found out he'd been leading her on. I did feel incredibly sorry for her. I think he managed it because she was always asking for him, he didn't talk very nicely about her to other people. She is also not conventially attractive and is quite overweight so I guess people just assumed he wouldn't be interested in her. Infact all if them except the last one have been quite overweight and I know he likes this in porn. I however am the opposite so I guess it's just more shoes I can't fill.

Domestic abuse isn't just being physically attacked or fearing for your safety OP so please don't sell yourself short! Coercive control is systematically gaslighting you, cutting you off emotionally from friends and family and cornering you into relying on them financially. Sound familiar?? It IS abuse and even a recognised crime but admittedly it can be hard to prove. However if I was you I'd at least be seeking legal support and contacting a charity such as women's aid for support. They can hopefully help you find a way of ditching this loser as it's obvious you're worth more than a thousand of him xx

I'm pretty sure if you're on a rolling contract with your tenancy that your landlord is legally able to serve you your 1 month notice whenever they feel like it so appealing to them might well mean they can turf him out. Afterall they obviously know you're really paying the rent

@poppymaewrite

Tell the other woman’s bf?

I did consider this but the guy is insane. Properly. He used to get drink and literally throw all of his belongings through the window and trash his own flat. This happened on 3 separate occasions. The police are always around there. He came to our door once to get a cigarette from my partner and he'd been stabbed. My partner had to call an ambulance for him, it was like he didn't even notice. A few weeks ago police were round because he'd had a disagreement with another neighbour, kicked his foot in and beaten him within an inch of his life with a golf club. There's still blood on the road from it. They don't work and just drink all say, they're constantly fighting and I really don't know how he isn't in jail. When I hear it all kicking off I have to keep my kids away from the window because his flat is right across the road from ours and you can see everything.

Talk to your landlord ASAP, for me that would be step one, get yourself and your children anchored. Then worry about everything else, take one step at a time and for me this would be the most important step.

I said step a lot there...

I think the fact that you are worried about a social services referral is a red flag that he really needs to get gone asap, social would be more critical of a mother who kept a man around who was bad for the children than of a mother who reached out to proper agencies (such as police who also will refer if children involved). Just wanted to add I'm also a care leaver and they also dumped me in a bedsit at 16 that was shared with two drug addict men and no locks on the bedroom doors! Can only hope they have improved as I'm 30 now.

@Jannt86

It may also be that since your original tenancy is up the landlord is within right to choose to end either one of your tenancies and therefore if you explained the situation to him might be able to solve your problem by allowing you to take sole tenancy of the property should you be able to afford it if that makes sense

Landlords cannot end a tenancy. Op can end the tenancy by giving notice, or a court will end it providing the conditions for a mandatory possession order are fulfilled.

@Foxylass

Can you speak to the landlord and agree with them to get the locks changed and move him out? You say he has family that he can go to.

And this would be an illegal eviction and the landlord could be subject to a fine. One case it was £22,000. Op you are getting very poor advice on here, if you want some decent advice ask for this to be transferred to legal.

I see your point. I would hope they are now. If I trusted them to be accurate and truthful I wouldn't be worried. But honestly I think unless someone is at huge risk, they only cause more problems. I for one would have been much better off at home. Even though my parents were abusive I still wouldve been better off there. I would have actually left school with qualifications. I could've gotten a job younger as you have to pay more for homeless accommodation and I couldnt afford to get a job until I was in proper accommodation. The bedsit was supposed to cost 3.5x as much in rent than the 2 bedroom flat I rented after that if housing benefit hadn't paid for it. At 16 there's no way I could afford that. I don't understand how they can get away with charging homeless people more. I believe there was a time that you didn't need to pay for power in homeless accommodation but I certainly did. And it was a prepay meter so cost more than paying monthly. It used to cost me £30 a week and I didn't have heating. I only got £50 a week to live off of.

Have you tried to speak to the landlord to get his name off. If you are on a month by month now maybe they will let you sign a new one. They must know some of the situation if you are paying all the bills. Once he's off get him kicked out by the police

Honestly it's such an odd situation I just don't know what to do. I've searched for information on this but everything out there seems to be for married homeowners.

@maybemu

Have you tried to speak to the landlord to get his name off. If you are on a month by month now maybe they will let you sign a new one. They must know some of the situation if you are paying all the bills. Once he's off get him kicked out by the police

No I haven't spoken to the landlord as everything I've seen basically says you need to sort it out yourself and that he has as much right to be here as I do. The only thing I know got sure is that 1 person can end the tenancy for both parties but that doesn't benefit anyone in this situation. I guess it's my only real option.

Can't you claim benefits if you can show you are no longer living together as a couple, even if he is still there? This might allow you to save some money to use to move out? www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-benefits-and-living-together

[quote GiantPinkUnicorn]Can't you claim benefits if you can show you are no longer living together as a couple, even if he is still there? This might allow you to save some money to use to move out? www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-benefits-and-living-together[/quote]
Thanks for this, I will look into it. We've always kept our finances separate because he's so bad with money. Not that it's really made a difference as he just helps himself from my bank account anyway.

@Lineofconcepcion what do you mean landlords can’t end a tenancy? If they are on a one month rolling contract surely the landlord just gives notice? Or am I missing something??

Talk to woman’s aid about all of this, there’s financial abuse here that is enough to get help from them.

Or tell the crazy boyfriend cos that would be enough for him to leave I imagine he wouldn’t wanna come near if he was after him!

But seriously I would get in touch with citizens advice and women’s aid, the social services wouldn’t take away your children, not for this, don’t even think about that. I know you’ve had a bad experience with them but this situation isn’t the same at all.

They might suggest you go into a refuse or temporary housing and can house you from there. You don’t have to be suffering from physical abuse to get help from them.

Could you tell him you've screen shotted the messages and threaten send them to the other womans boyfriend unless he moves out?

If you're on a rolling contract and you've been paying arrears and the rent them talk to your landlord about an AST in your name only. You can't change the locks, your landlord can after he's been given notice on the rolling contract.