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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disappointed in DP's parents?

70 replies

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 12:47

I've been with DP for 7 lovely years, we're very happy together and his parents have commented before how happy he seems. DP does have a DD from a previous relationship who is now 11. She was DP's parents first grandchild so there was always going to be more excitement with the first. However, she's shown absolutely no interest whatsoever in our baby. She's not asked once how we are, or even specifically how the baby is, she's not asked to see the babies room, she doesn't ask any questions, she hasn't picked up even a little cheap teddy (I don't expect them to buy anything, but DP's mum has often told me how she bought DP's DD's pushchair/outfits/baby books. She was at the birth last time and she hasn't once asked my birth plans. DP's sister has children too and they've been so hands on with her, fully supported her during her pregnancies and shown an interest.

DP's mum loved his ex, she's frequently told me how close they were, how much she loved her, she's even made lots of comparisons between me and his ex which were needless. DP stepped in and told her to stop and to be fair, it has now and she doesn't really mention her. They did split 10 years ago, to be fair.

For many years I felt I lived in his ex girlfriends shadow. His mum never, ever took the time to get to know me. I tried, I got fed up of the constant "Ex gf did X and Y but you do it Z' and even called me by her first name about three years into our relationship.

I'm now pregnant with my first baby, I've sent DP's mum scan photos, sent her photos of outfits. There's just no interest so I've stopped but I feel really hurt. I always try to pick nice gifts for Christmas/birthdays, I always ask after her (through DP) but I have expressed my disppointment at how little interest is being shown to DP. I really don't want our little girl to feel like an outcast for no reason and I want her to have two sets of grandparents who at least ask how she is... It isn't a case of them worrying their first DGD will be pushed out because we get on so well. Honestly she is such a wonderful little girl and I'm so glad I've had her in my life for the last 7 years.

I'm due in 2 weeks, so probably feeling hormonal and nervous but I genuinely don't think they'll even be round to see the baby once she's here. I don't know what I want from the post really, just maybe to vent or advice if anyone has been through similar?

OP posts:

Original poster

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 12:49

Typo with the 7 years since I met DP's little girl, should be 9. I didn't meet her straight away.

OP posts:

TellMeItIsntTrue · 09/04/2022 12:50

Why does it matter? Just focus on the people around you who do care
What does your dh think?

Haus1234 · 09/04/2022 12:52

Some people don’t find babies exciting until they’re actually here - I would give her a few weeks for that to happen before totally writing it off!

Sorry that you feel in the shadow of the ex though, it does sound hard.

Original poster

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 12:54

I just feel sorry for our new baby, DP's parents make such an effort with their 4 other grandchildren that I worry she will feel pushed out.

DP is very blunt/direct and just says "forget all about them, if they're not interested then it's their loss" which I guess is right to an extent.

OP posts:

veronicagoldberg · 09/04/2022 12:54

@TellMeItIsntTrue

Why does it matter? Just focus on the people around you who do care What does your dh think?

Presumably it matters because this woman is the new baby's grandmother.

I despise this flippant attitude that's so common on MN.

Most people care about these things.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 09/04/2022 12:55

I think you need to let some of it go. You say she no longer compares you - so let that go. Calling you by exes name is easy. I’ve done it with my brothers new wife and to my best friend with her ex. I disliked both of them and it was just a muddle moment.
You say she’s got multiple grandchildren now. Scan and pre birth things are just not as important 2nd, 3rd time around. We’ve experienced it with our own children / grandchildren. It’s not necessarily a insight into what it will be like when baby arrives.
But you might want to lower your expectations so you’re not disappointed and hopefully you be pleasantly surprised

Duracellbunnywannabe · 09/04/2022 12:56

In the kindest way you are being precious. Your baby won’t be sleeping in that room for 6 months or even much longer, unless invited to do so it most people would think it to be rude to ask about birth plans and may people don’t but baby gifts until the baby has arrived.

When you’ve seen her in person has she asked how you are feeling?

ImAvingOops · 09/04/2022 12:56

Of course it matters. That's such a cold thing to say.
There's little you can do really. They might be better once the baby is actually here. But if not, then the only course of action is to build relationships with the people who love and want to be involved with your family and leave the in-laws to it.
I'd stop actively trying to build a relationship - it's not your responsibility to include them. Leave that to your dp and if they cba, then it's for him to deal with that.

Original poster

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 12:57

I suppose there is still a couple of weeks left to see how they behave when she's here. I just don't see them getting anymore involved, which is sad, because they are quite involved with the other grandchildren. I get that for whatever reason, they don't like me, but I've tried to include them and I'd really like them to be a part of my daughters life. I never want her to feel excluded which is what will quite obviously happen...

OP posts:

litlealligator · 09/04/2022 12:57

The baby isn't actually here yet so I think you need to give her a chance and reserve judgement for once baby has arrived. You're obviously not as close with her so she may think it would be overstepping with you to show the same excitement and interest in your pregnancy, but that doesn't mean she won't be excited when baby arrives.

ImAvingOops · 09/04/2022 12:59

Your daughter won't miss what she's never had - she will have a mum and dad and big sister who love her loads, and your parents. It will be enough.

lap90 · 09/04/2022 12:59

Tbf the baby is yet to be born so the excitement may come when the baby is here?
Then you may be back on here complaining about an OT MIL ;-)

LosingTheWill2022 · 09/04/2022 13:00

It does sound like your dp's mum is rude and tactless with her comparisons with ex. But I'd take a step back and hold off on the angst about your baby.
Given her history with you I would have left it up to your dp to pass on news/scans etc. about your pregnancy. It's possible that things may be different once the baby is here but if not I would definitely leave it to your dp to broach that one with his parents.
You just focus on yourself, your baby and the people who support you.

Original poster

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 13:00

@Duracellbunnywannabe It's more the gesture of seeming interested, I know she's not going to be in that room but it's still an example of how little interest they have.

I was in hospital a few weeks back, they thought baby might need to come early due to slow growth and DP had dropped DSD off there so he could be with me. Obviously he'd explained why he needed help with childcare that particular day and she did ask how I was when he picked her back up. Nothing since though and we have both had a few complications. I think that's why it's so obvious to me that they're not interested.

OP posts:

Original poster

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 13:03

@lap90 Could you imagine

Even people who aren't our parents (close friends, distant friends, colleagues etc) have checked in though. I genuinely don't think it hurts to send a quick text message to check in, especially when it's their grandchild.

I'm not a sensitive person (would you believe) and I'd be over the moon with them asking via text (even through DP!) how baby is.

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Hankunamatata · 09/04/2022 13:03

Your pregnant, the baby isn't even here yet! Your making lots of assumptions about mil about her relationship with a baby that isnt even here yet!

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/04/2022 13:03

I think you have to brace yourself for the likelihood that they won't take much of an interest. It's better to be prepared for that than to get your hopes up and be disappointed. You say you want your baby to have two sets of interested grandparents and that's a nice ideal, but many people don't have it - I only had one set of grandparents as the others had died, but that was fine and they were lovely. Some kids don't even have that.

What does your DP say about all this with his parents? Does he mention it or ask them to get more involved?

Hankunamatata · 09/04/2022 13:04

Do you text her to tell her how things are?

Original poster

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 13:07

@Skiptheheartsandflowers I think it's more that DP's parents are very active, very hands on with other grandchildren so they could be part of her life but probably aren't going to be. It's different I think when the choice isn't there - E.g a set dying or being far away. They're literally around the corner.

@Hankunamatata I have text her scans/outfits/updates but I only receive "aww" back. MIL has told me before I got pregnant how involved she was with the ex and how she was there at the birth. I don't think it's an assumption to say she's not shown half as much interest in our baby. It's glaringly obvious.

OP posts:

Doona · 09/04/2022 13:09

The thing is, you can't force people to care. So even if she was being cold towards your new child (and as PP have said, that takes time when they meet each other), what can you do about it? Nothing.
My experience is that people outside the family have obvious favourites among the children. It's just another thing you have to manage as a mother.

Original poster

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 13:09

But I haven't text her recently, no. Well, she had COVID and I said "hope you're ok, I'm working from home so I can pop anything over to you in the day if you need it" and I got "all good, thanks" so I didn't bother after that. It's been years of trying and it's obvious they're not interested, so I won't bug them anymore.

DP has called them fucking useless and is disappointed in how little interest they've shown compared to his first daughter. He says that conversation will come when the time is right with them and for me not to get upset about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 13:11

@Doona I guess, I just hoped in some way they'd be different when I was pregnant and start to see me, as me, and want to take an interest.

Now my pregnancy is over pretty much, that time is gone for them to show interest.

OP posts:

phoenixrosehere · 09/04/2022 13:14

Your pregnant, the baby isn't even here yet! Your making lots of assumptions about mil about her relationship with a baby that isnt even here yet!

Considering their history, OP is going off how she has been treated so far and what she has observed from MIL. They may be assumptions but it doesn’t mean she’s being entirely unreasonable if MIL showed interest in all the grandchildren before they were born and isn’t doing so for OP.

Your DH is right OP. Focus on yourself and the people who have shown they care now.

It does not take much to send a text to see how someone is. My MIL and I are not close and have a cordial relationship and she asked after me during my pregnancies and texted to see how I was doing when my DH was on long business trips and I was at home with our sons. Whether DH asked her to or not, I don’t know but she still chose to do it.

froufroufrou · 09/04/2022 13:15

Try not to let it get to you OP.
All that’s matters is your lovely little nuclear family with DP and new baby.
See it as a blessing if the in laws want to keep their distance. I know I would!

Pixiedust1234 · 09/04/2022 13:20

So you don't actually have a baby for the grandparents to dote over or be excited about?

Some people do the "no pram in the house before baby", same kind of thing as dont mention you are pregnant until you are three months gone due to the high rate of miscarriage in the first three months. Do you know if she has suffered multiple miscarriages or stillborn herself? Not everything is about you.

You do realise you have started on the PFB path before its even born

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