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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disappointed in DP's parents?

70 replies

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 12:47

I've been with DP for 7 lovely years, we're very happy together and his parents have commented before how happy he seems. DP does have a DD from a previous relationship who is now 11. She was DP's parents first grandchild so there was always going to be more excitement with the first. However, she's shown absolutely no interest whatsoever in our baby. She's not asked once how we are, or even specifically how the baby is, she's not asked to see the babies room, she doesn't ask any questions, she hasn't picked up even a little cheap teddy (I don't expect them to buy anything, but DP's mum has often told me how she bought DP's DD's pushchair/outfits/baby books. She was at the birth last time and she hasn't once asked my birth plans. DP's sister has children too and they've been so hands on with her, fully supported her during her pregnancies and shown an interest.

DP's mum loved his ex, she's frequently told me how close they were, how much she loved her, she's even made lots of comparisons between me and his ex which were needless. DP stepped in and told her to stop and to be fair, it has now and she doesn't really mention her. They did split 10 years ago, to be fair.

For many years I felt I lived in his ex girlfriends shadow. His mum never, ever took the time to get to know me. I tried, I got fed up of the constant "Ex gf did X and Y but you do it Z' and even called me by her first name about three years into our relationship.

I'm now pregnant with my first baby, I've sent DP's mum scan photos, sent her photos of outfits. There's just no interest so I've stopped but I feel really hurt. I always try to pick nice gifts for Christmas/birthdays, I always ask after her (through DP) but I have expressed my disppointment at how little interest is being shown to DP. I really don't want our little girl to feel like an outcast for no reason and I want her to have two sets of grandparents who at least ask how she is... It isn't a case of them worrying their first DGD will be pushed out because we get on so well. Honestly she is such a wonderful little girl and I'm so glad I've had her in my life for the last 7 years.

I'm due in 2 weeks, so probably feeling hormonal and nervous but I genuinely don't think they'll even be round to see the baby once she's here. I don't know what I want from the post really, just maybe to vent or advice if anyone has been through similar?

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 09/04/2022 15:15

[quote CremeBruleed]@Pixiedust1234 No, you're wrong. I'm comparing previous pregnancies and how she's behaved to mine. A comparison of solid facts which show a huge difference in the level of interest.

Also, as someone who has suffered infertility and has experienced 4 miscarriages myself. Don't be that person and throw those things around. I do know she hasn't had any losses thankfully, because SIL sadly suffered one and a conversation around this topic came around then.

[/quote]
"Don't be that person..." Yeah right. Pointing out to a self absorbed person that it isn't always about them makes me "that person". Dont ask questions if you are not prepared to hear a difference of opinions or possible reasons why a person is behaving a different way to how you think they should.

I'm out. I should have known better than to respond to a me,me,me post.

Chickychoccyegg · 09/04/2022 15:21

I'd wait until your baby is actually born to see how they are, I'm sure they will love her as much as their other grandchildren .
As others have said 1st baby in the family, everyone is super excited, the excitement unfortunately decreases slightly with every pregnancy.
I didn't discuss my birth plan with anyone, for any of my pregnancies,and I've never heard any one else's either, and all my close friends and family have dc, I wouldn't expect mil to be in with me giving birth, what a thought, lol, so wouldn't give any of those things any further thought.
Most people don't but gifts for the baby until the baby is actually born, my own dm bought lots and lots of baby stuff but kept it at her house until I was home from hospital each time, mil bought a couple of outfits, and gave them to me first time she met my babies.

Wnikat · 09/04/2022 15:32

The baby isn't here yet.

MIL being at the last birth is the weirdest thing about this whole story. Who on earth would want that??

BlueOverYellow · 09/04/2022 15:51

Your baby isn't even here yet. There is no grandchild yet for them to fuss over, frankly.

I think you are actively looking for problems, frankly. Wait until the baby is here and see what happens then.

Goodbyetowinter · 09/04/2022 16:28

I really understand. My ex had two DC with his wife and his parents adored her and the DGC. When I had his child there was zero interest. It was hurtful. I suppose that they had felt that his family was complete, and despite the break up, years earlier, they welcomed her as if it had never happened. I felt very much the unwelcome interloper. My DD did just fine. She saw them on a few occasions. She wasn't included in their wills, unlike his other DC who inherited everything, but it was their loss in not accepting her (or me).

MiniCooperLover · 09/04/2022 16:36

Possibly she got so invested with her previous DIL and 'lost her' when they split and so feels she can't get too invested with you now?

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 16:40

This baby is long awaited and very precious to you.

Please try not to spoil and upset this verybspecial time stressing over something you cannot change.

People expend so much energy trying to change others.

It doesn't work.

Focus on your blessings.
You have a great family who will suppiet you.
You don't have a MIL who will be sticking her nose in, which would be far, far worse.

Hopefully they will be a bit interested when the baby arrives, but if not, between your family and how busy you will be, it will be ok.

Prepare for the worsed and hope for the best, either way you will be fine.

Pull back from trying so hard.
Leave his family and their gifts to HIM to sort out.

You aren't married and yet you have taken on wife work.
Don't do it.

Focus on yourself and enjoying this time.

user1471457751 · 09/04/2022 16:48

You're unreasonable to be pissed off that your MIL coped fine when she had covid. Would you have preferred she lied and got you running errands she didn't need? Maybe she didn't want to put pressure on her heavily pregnant DIL.

olympicsrock · 09/04/2022 16:48

Just chill
See how things are after your baby is actually born.

kimfox · 09/04/2022 17:25

@MiniCooperLover

Possibly she got so invested with her previous DIL and 'lost her' when they split and so feels she can't get too invested with you now?

This is what I thought too. Perhaps she's eleven years older, the excitement about GCs has waned a bit, she's a bit tired, she wasn't expecting any more GCs, and in addition she put so much into the relationship with previous DIL she just hasn't got the energy or inclination to put so much into her relationship with you, just in case.

Let it be - it could be worse (she's at least relatively polite!) concentrate on your new baby, DH, SD and your DM & DD. Hope all goes well!

CallMeDaddy58 · 09/04/2022 18:43

Honestly her obsession with the ex makes me think of the novel Rebecca. It’s creepy. Having your MIL at the birth of your child? Yikes.

I’d say it’s not that she doesn’t like/there’s anything wrong with you. It’s that she’s weirdly attached to the ex.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2022 18:49

The baby isn't even born yet. Hopefully, she will show interest when it is. Its early days.

Nelliephant1 · 09/04/2022 18:56

The important thing is is that your baby is surrounded by people that love her and are interested in her. Try not to force it, your daughter doesn't need negative nellies in her life, just lots of love from those that deserve to know her.

Sunnytwobridges · 09/04/2022 19:00

I would be hurt by this too.

I actually know someone that went thru something similar. Her MIL just wouldn’t accept her and so basically treated her child like they didn’t matter. But the child from the first wife was the golden child. She wished her son was still with the ex wife. It only got marginally better once her husband stepped in but she just had to accept that just he way it would be

MySecretHistory · 09/04/2022 19:03

@Wnikat

The baby isn't here yet.

MIL being at the last birth is the weirdest thing about this whole story. Who on earth would want that??

I had my Mil, FIl and mother at 1 of mine. Long story ! At another I had my mother, father and brother- again a long story

(very quick home births basically)

It was all fine.

Tlollj · 09/04/2022 19:07

Perhaps she doesn’t want to get too attached to you in case you split up like the last one did.
Wait till the baby arrives see what happens. But it’s her loss really.

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 19:36

Blimey OP give them a chance, your baby isn’t even born yet! Not everyone would care about how you’ve decorated the nursery or what baby outfits you’ve bought and most people wait until the baby’s actually here before bestowing gifts. I think you’re being sensitive and looking for problems that aren’t even there yet, and hopefully won’t be in a couple of weeks time.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/04/2022 19:41

I get the impression that whatever she does isn't going to be good enough. Baby hasn't been born yet and you have already decided she isn't going to like her as much as her other gcs

Phos · 09/04/2022 19:50

See how she is once baby arrives. If she remains uninterested then you can decide if you want to take it up with her (via DP might be better) or decide she’s not worth your time.

For what it’s worth my DF’s mum still constantly compares me to his ex and finds me lacking. She also compares me unfavourably to his sister. I keep my distance. But she is interested in our daughter so I think there is hope.

BogRollBOGOF · 09/04/2022 21:45

@Sunnytwobridges

I would be hurt by this too.

We've had this situation in the family too. The GM actually said of GC2 "well they're not the same are they?" GC2 was exactly the same blood connection to her, she just massively favoured wife1.

Uninterested parents/ grandparents can be hurtful. You want your child to be loved and people do blather on about how wonderful grandparents are supposed to be, but they're not essential. A happy medium would be great, but at least uninterested grandparents leave much more space to crack on in life in the way that suits you than the over-invested type.

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