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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disappointed in DP's parents?

70 replies

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 12:47

I've been with DP for 7 lovely years, we're very happy together and his parents have commented before how happy he seems. DP does have a DD from a previous relationship who is now 11. She was DP's parents first grandchild so there was always going to be more excitement with the first. However, she's shown absolutely no interest whatsoever in our baby. She's not asked once how we are, or even specifically how the baby is, she's not asked to see the babies room, she doesn't ask any questions, she hasn't picked up even a little cheap teddy (I don't expect them to buy anything, but DP's mum has often told me how she bought DP's DD's pushchair/outfits/baby books. She was at the birth last time and she hasn't once asked my birth plans. DP's sister has children too and they've been so hands on with her, fully supported her during her pregnancies and shown an interest.

DP's mum loved his ex, she's frequently told me how close they were, how much she loved her, she's even made lots of comparisons between me and his ex which were needless. DP stepped in and told her to stop and to be fair, it has now and she doesn't really mention her. They did split 10 years ago, to be fair.

For many years I felt I lived in his ex girlfriends shadow. His mum never, ever took the time to get to know me. I tried, I got fed up of the constant "Ex gf did X and Y but you do it Z' and even called me by her first name about three years into our relationship.

I'm now pregnant with my first baby, I've sent DP's mum scan photos, sent her photos of outfits. There's just no interest so I've stopped but I feel really hurt. I always try to pick nice gifts for Christmas/birthdays, I always ask after her (through DP) but I have expressed my disppointment at how little interest is being shown to DP. I really don't want our little girl to feel like an outcast for no reason and I want her to have two sets of grandparents who at least ask how she is... It isn't a case of them worrying their first DGD will be pushed out because we get on so well. Honestly she is such a wonderful little girl and I'm so glad I've had her in my life for the last 7 years.

I'm due in 2 weeks, so probably feeling hormonal and nervous but I genuinely don't think they'll even be round to see the baby once she's here. I don't know what I want from the post really, just maybe to vent or advice if anyone has been through similar?

OP posts:

LosingTheWill2022 · 09/04/2022 13:21

I just hoped in some way they'd be different when I was pregnant and start to see me, as me, and want to take an interest
I would actually be really irritated if people who had been rude and dismissive of me for 9 years suddenly took an interest when I was pregnant. As if I only mattered because I was carrying their grandchild. That wouldnt be seeing 'me as me'.
As I said before, Hopefully relationships will improve all rafter the baby is born. If not there's nothing you can do I'm afraid.

Zilla1 · 09/04/2022 13:22

Will your DC have DGPs on your side, OP?

It will feel upsetting. I wouldn't throw lots of information, nor pull up the drawbridge. I would live your life with your family. If they step up then great, if not then I'd remember and pull them up if they try and pretend to have been more involved than they were or try to make you do things as the preferred DGC want to play or see the baby when it doesn't suit you.

Hope things go well. Good luck.

Pinkdelight3 · 09/04/2022 13:31

YANBU to feel disappointed, but it's not like they won't be in your DD's life. Texting back 'aww' to your scan pix is fine and so is not buying a teddy for a baby who's not here yet. You are comparing things too much and thinking the worst, when the reality may be much less dramatic. They're way beyond their first GC by the sounds of it, plus it may be (sadly) that they don't feel as close to you as they did to the mothers of their other GC and that's not something that can be helped or faked, but it doesn't mean they won't love your DD or that you need to feel sorry for her about scenarios that haven't yet and may never come to pass. It's wise to keep expectations low so maybe they can surprise you or maybe they'll just do the minimum, but for your own well-being, try not to give it too much thought and focus on all the good things in your and DD's lives.

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 13:34

Don't worry about it. As long ad their favouritism is kept in check by DP when baby is here. And wtf would you want her anywhere near your birth?!

Original poster

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 13:34

@Pixiedust1234 No, you're wrong. I'm comparing previous pregnancies and how she's behaved to mine. A comparison of solid facts which show a huge difference in the level of interest.

Also, as someone who has suffered infertility and has experienced 4 miscarriages myself. Don't be that person and throw those things around. I do know she hasn't had any losses thankfully, because SIL sadly suffered one and a conversation around this topic came around then.

OP posts:

Grapewrath · 09/04/2022 13:35

Op yanbu but in mumsnet there is a weird thing where nobody is allowed to expect anything from their parents or in-laws. It sounds like they are quite hung up on the ex and first gd and are deliberately rebuffing you and the baby tbh. I would let it go and not try to include them or make an effort. My Ils were like this and quite honestly once dd was born I stopped giving a shit because she was so much more important.
Your baby won’t miss what they haven’t had so concentrate on yourself and the people who do matter

Original poster

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 13:36

@OutingHobby No I wouldn't want her near the birth you're right totally she'd probably say the ex's private parts are prettier than mine!!

@Pinkdelight3 your post is really helpful and pragmatic, thank you for replying to me

@Zilla1 My mum and dad are around and will be heavily involved. My mum is an ex primary teacher and has offered to do some childcare if I ever need it. She will not be missing out on both sets of grandparents at least :)

OP posts:

Original poster

CremeBruleed · 09/04/2022 13:38

@Grapewrath Sorry to hear you've had the same level of interest as my in laws. I'm sure you're right, once my baby is here, I won't care in the slightest if they're interested or not. Either way, it's their loss.

OP posts:

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 13:42

Some people are just like that with ex's I get it too. I just make a joke of it in my head and play bingo :)

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/04/2022 13:43

The thing is, first babies (and first grandchildren) get MASSES of attention. Everyone is interested. Each subsequent child gets less. In your case this is your first child, but for them it is grandchild number 4 or 5, and not even the first grandchild from your DP. So hopefully your parents and friends are excited, but although your in-laws will love and welcome the new baby, it is not a new experience to them as it is to you.

Also I must say my DM never asked to see the baby's room or about the birth plan, because in her day you just did what the hospital told you and then put the baby in a Moses basket.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/04/2022 13:46

I'm sure you're right, once my baby is here, I won't care in the slightest if they're interested or not. Either way, it's their loss.

I really think it would be a mistake to start taking offence and getting ready to flounce about this.

worriedatthistime · 09/04/2022 13:48

My mil was like this , DH was married before ( no kids ) and i just assumed she liked her more
But dh said she didn't like her either
When we had dc she showed little interest overall and dh is disappointed but we eventually just accepted it and we are quiet low contact
My ds are 18 & 16 now and they have little time for mil but have other great people in their life's
Your mil still has time as she may change when baby is here
But of not don't waste time worrying as I did as it changed nothing but just made us upset it was much easier when we jus accepted low contact
And it won't be us running around when she is older and needs care etc dh siblings can do that , we will just do occasional stuff and look after the people that matter most to us

BigWoollyJumpers · 09/04/2022 13:49

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Also I must say my DM never asked to see the baby's room or about the birth plan, because in her day you just did what the hospital told you and then put the baby in a Moses basket.

I agree. DH and I are both the youngest in our own families, and therefor got married and had children last. By the time my second DD came round, she was the 13th grandchild. Despite being DM's only daughter, they were pretty jaded by that point, and being mid 70's not up for doing much. Soooo..... I do understand your disappointment, but I think it can be a case that as time goes on, having babies is not that interesting.

And I do understand, I really do. My youngest DD stopped getting presents from some of her uncles and aunts after about 12 years old, she (and I) were really upset, and actually I had a huge falling out with one of my brothers, as he just said he couldn't be bothered remembering any more as his kids had grown up.

flyingdream · 09/04/2022 13:51

I've experienced this and the only reason they say those things and compare is because they're jealous and want to make u feel inferior. They do it on purpose. Ignore ignore ignore and show ur delight at new baby.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 09/04/2022 13:51

Embrace the peace op... Leave her to dp and back away gracefully.

My mil never bothered with our dc and she had no other dgc.. Her loss op.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 09/04/2022 14:16

I can’t think of anything worse than mil being at my babies’ births so I see this as a positive!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 09/04/2022 14:22

@TellMeItIsntTrue

Why does it matter? Just focus on the people around you who do care What does your dh think?

Why does it matter? You seriously can't understand why it matters? They are the bloody grandparents!

Op I had the same, exactly the same even to the calling me her name bit.

It hasn't ever got better. They see ds very occasionally and I tolerate them. They are still pally with the ex, and Ds is not treated anything like dss, or the exs kids who aren't even related to them

Dp tells me it's them missing out, not ds and tbh I just try and believe it, but it does piss me off.

Hopefully they will change their tune when she's here, but don't tie yourself in knots trying to please them. It's not worth it

iRun2eatCake · 09/04/2022 14:22

Think you need to take the hint that they're not interested and nothing you do will change that!

I'd also stop with trying to buy their affection/approval by letting DP sort all gifts in the future..... you're never going to get it and the more upset you'll get by keep trying

Jedsnewstar · 09/04/2022 14:22

When I first started reading it seemed like the baby was here but being that you are still pregnant I think you are being a bit precious. See what they are like after the baby comes.

Ponoka7 · 09/04/2022 14:29

Don't discount them being 11 years older than last time. I was really excited for my first GC, the second not as much. Tbh I don't want anymore GC and I've said that I'd give limited help until 3 years old if there was another one. I'd help with my DD'S physical recovery, helping her to get sleep, but she might be waiting until the baby is here and to be asked. We're always told that pregnancy is a woman's private medical information. So it can be difficult to strike a balance.

Ponoka7 · 09/04/2022 14:32

"Also, as someone who has suffered infertility and has experienced 4 miscarriages myself"

Surely that would explain her not knowing what to say incase everything doesn't go well?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 09/04/2022 14:41

Yeah they don't sound interested do they. Some people are like that, we had very little to do with my dad's mum as she quite obviously preferred her dds children to her 2 sons ( and for some reason her disinterest in my and my sister was the worst)

Didn't bother us, we had lovely gps on our mums side.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/04/2022 14:47

I was really confused by your post, and then I realised THE BABY ISN’T HERE YET.

Birth plans (🤯) and nurseries and pre-bought baby clothes are not interesting for anyone else - the actual baby will be interesting, and once the actual baby is here I am sure they’ll buy it a present.

It’s probably hormonal yes, but yes you are being nuts.

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2022 14:50

I wouldn’t worry until the baby is here - pregnancy isn’t much interest to anyone other than the pregnant woman and partner ime.

See what happens in a few weeks.

Hollywolly1 · 09/04/2022 14:59

I think tbh you are way way over invested in wanting to win her approval,why is that?.
I think you need to stop buying gifts etc etc and let your partner look after those things.Its great you have a great relationship with your sd and you seem very happy but maybe just cut the poison out,you don't need someone like her in your life as she doesn't seem to fond of you.Focus on yourself and your family from now on,who cares what she thinks and you care way to much stop running after her it will make you tired.

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