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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have a baby?

53 replies

TheBigQuestion · 08/04/2022 13:02

Posting here for traffic: DD is 8, likely has high-functioning autism, and is lovely but looking after her is demanding - she has daily outbursts which need us to be very calm and reassuring to help her emotionally regulate herself. She has also never slept on her own, though shes now on melatonin, which has been transformianal, and she's keen to try sleeping on her own now. DH is supportive, but I do all tbe fact finding and coming up with strategies to support DD, and he almos certain has ASD himself, and fi ds it very hard to sense her moods and emotionally support her.

DD was a very high-needs baby (never slept, cried lots, needed to be held constantly), and I was so traumatised that I swore I would never have another child. More recently, Ive figured out that the way to look after her is to be really kind, empathetic, cuddly and reassuring (even when she is having a melted about something bonkers li brushing her teeth, or something that happened 6 months ago) - none of which is me at all, except I've done it so often that it IS (at leads part of me) now.

And completely unexpectedly, my body has decided that this means I'm ready to have a baby: I am so, so broody.

So mumsnetters, should I do it? Vote YABU if you think.its nuts to consider another chikd at age 44 with a difficulty -to-manage 8 year old, and a husband who can't fullly manage her. Vote YANBU if you think.its always nuts to have kids, and that I am so used to sleep deprivation that a baby will be no problem, and chubby baby wrists are wortg it all. And please excuse typos: my tablet hatesme and would vote YABU.

OP posts:
something2say · 08/04/2022 13:04

Yabu

Lastqueenofscotland · 08/04/2022 13:04

God I wouldn’t do it in your shoes.

MartinMartinMarti · 08/04/2022 13:05

Fuck no.

Peachyscream · 08/04/2022 13:05

Don't do it.
In a VERY similar situation to yours I went ahead and had dc3. I regret it everyday and especially every night, when she's screaming for 3 hours. Coming up to a year old and the anxiety about whether she'll also have autism is crippling me.

NewandNotImproved · 08/04/2022 13:06

Absolutely not.

Original poster
TheBigQuestion · 08/04/2022 13:06

Well, thats pretty unanimous so far....

OP posts:
flower277 · 08/04/2022 13:08

My kids are all NT but the I have 9 years between youngest and middle child and it’s difficult, especially now my teenagers are not interested in playing with a 5 year old. I feel bad for him that he hasn’t got the closeness they had (15 and 14, girl and boy, not that close now!!)

coodawoodashooda · 08/04/2022 13:08

I wouldn't want to be 50 on the first day of school. Also, i think lots of people always feel a sense of broodiness.

RobertaFirmino · 08/04/2022 13:10

YABU. You need to consider your DH and existing child too, not just think about 'chubby baby wrists'. I don't mean this next part to be rude but you are 44. You may very well be setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Original poster
TheBigQuestion · 08/04/2022 13:10

yes, I do worry about tbe age difference (amongs a long list of things). Really, I should have figured out what I have now around age 4, but I just thoughts I was a crap parent

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 08/04/2022 13:12

I have no issues with older mothers and couples having other kids if their eldest is disabled but you ignoring some more practical issues:

  • Unless you have a strong family history of woman you are blood related to having children in their mid-40s, you are unlikely to get pregnant without medical help and you will have miscarriages. That will be stressful by itself.
  • If you have a healthy child think very carefully if you aren't creating an adult carer for your older child for when you kick the bucket.
URMyStarship · 08/04/2022 13:13

No, I wouldn’t do it. Your age is a big factor. I think 44 is pushing it for having a baby anyway and the likelihood of having another child with additional needs at your age is a risk I wouldn’t consider.

I have two children, one with high functioning autism (oldest) but I’m 45 now and they’re 18 and 14. I wouldn’t have had a second child, knowing all I know about the energy required to support a child with autism, at the age I am now. Teenage years / puberty can be extremely challenging for children on the autism spectrum, too. I wouldn’t want to spread myself so thinly going into my fifties.

You sound like a lovely Mum who ‘gets’ your DD, btw, so please don’t take my viewpoint as being harsh.

Original poster
TheBigQuestion · 08/04/2022 13:14

@coodawoodashooda

I wouldn't want to be 50 on the first day of school. Also, i think lots of people always feel a sense of broodiness.
See, thats the thing - I've never felt this properly broody before - we had DD because DH so badly wanted a child (his sister is 10 years youngerbthan him, and he practically brought her up, and is very fond of her), and I thought it would be a bit of a lark
OP posts:
mydogisthebest · 08/04/2022 13:14

I think you would be absolutely raving mad to even think about it.

Your age is not ideal but, more importantly, how will it impact your DD? She may not take kindly or easily to a baby. Also what if the second one has the problems your first has? It will be much more difficult for you to cope and you won't have the time to devote to DD that you have now.

Just be grateful for the child you have

Lastqueenofscotland · 08/04/2022 13:14

@RobertaFirmino

YABU. You need to consider your DH and existing child too, not just think about 'chubby baby wrists'. I don't mean this next part to be rude but you are 44. You may very well be setting yourself up for heartbreak.
Yes I agree with this. Even if NT baby Would your DD cope with a crying baby, annoying toddler (let’s be honest… they all can be!!!), tantrums etc that come with children if that age.
RedWingBoots · 08/04/2022 13:15

@TheBigQuestion

yes, I do worry about tbe age difference (amongs a long list of things). Really, I should have figured out what I have now around age 4, but I just thoughts I was a crap parent
Age difference isn't an issue.

Plenty of siblings have large age differences in rl and it isn't a problem.

The older ones care for the younger ones even when their parents don't want them too. However your child can't do that.

Original poster
TheBigQuestion · 08/04/2022 13:16

@URMyStarship

No, I wouldn’t do it. Your age is a big factor. I think 44 is pushing it for having a baby anyway and the likelihood of having another child with additional needs at your age is a risk I wouldn’t consider.

I have two children, one with high functioning autism (oldest) but I’m 45 now and they’re 18 and 14. I wouldn’t have had a second child, knowing all I know about the energy required to support a child with autism, at the age I am now. Teenage years / puberty can be extremely challenging for children on the autism spectrum, too. I wouldn’t want to spread myself so thinly going into my fifties.

You sound like a lovely Mum who ‘gets’ your DD, btw, so please don’t take my viewpoint as being harsh.

Thank you - thats exactly the sort of insight I was looking for.
OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkle · 08/04/2022 13:16

Sounds like you are just about managing now. Why put more pressure on yourself.

How are you going to cuddle/reassure your DD when you’ve got a baby screaming or a toddler climbing up the radiator?

Mummy1608 · 08/04/2022 13:17

I voted yanbu because by the time you have dc2 your dd might well be in secondary and her needs will be less physical/hands-on. But I only have one myself so far so I'm not the best judge.

Agree with pp that you might not conceive so don't get your hopes up too much (not in particular because of your age, but just because these things are random aren't they)

Lastqueenofscotland · 08/04/2022 13:17

Also I have a huge age gap with my siblings are we are not at all close. And never have been. Between myself and my youngest there is practically a generation gap. We all get on but aren’t close! And my DP has some huge age gaps in his (slightly more complex) family and honestly I think he knows more about our neighbours kids than his youngest sister. He’s in his 30s, she’s early teens!
I’d not idealise the idea of siblings, is what I’m trying to say, sharing similar DNA doesn’t mean your DD will have someone looking out for her for life, or even that they’ll get on at all!

Obelisk · 08/04/2022 13:17

Surely at 44 there is a high chance that you would need ivf and even then nothing is guaranteed. I would think hard about whether you want to go through that, and I say that as someone who generally thinks people should largely go for the things they want to do and sort out the problems later.

user1471457751 · 08/04/2022 13:20

Sounds like you want another baby not another child. Unfortunately they don't stay babies forever.

Also, hate to say it but given your age, any baby has a much greater risk of being born with additional needs

Original poster
TheBigQuestion · 08/04/2022 13:23

Ah yes, am aware that at 44, a baby might not be a possibility at all (though my family are a fecund lot, with late babies and even later menopauses). Definitely not going down the IVF route.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBigQuestion · 08/04/2022 13:25

Off to DDs school cake sale now, but so far, this looks like the most unanimous AIBU ever

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 08/04/2022 13:28

No one can really answer that question for you OP.I'd imagine the broodiness though is because your body knows the clock is running out for you to actual have babies. Does you DH want another?

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