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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I have a baby?

53 replies

TheBigQuestion · 08/04/2022 13:02

Posting here for traffic: DD is 8, likely has high-functioning autism, and is lovely but looking after her is demanding - she has daily outbursts which need us to be very calm and reassuring to help her emotionally regulate herself. She has also never slept on her own, though shes now on melatonin, which has been transformianal, and she's keen to try sleeping on her own now. DH is supportive, but I do all tbe fact finding and coming up with strategies to support DD, and he almos certain has ASD himself, and fi ds it very hard to sense her moods and emotionally support her.

DD was a very high-needs baby (never slept, cried lots, needed to be held constantly), and I was so traumatised that I swore I would never have another child. More recently, Ive figured out that the way to look after her is to be really kind, empathetic, cuddly and reassuring (even when she is having a melted about something bonkers li brushing her teeth, or something that happened 6 months ago) - none of which is me at all, except I've done it so often that it IS (at leads part of me) now.

And completely unexpectedly, my body has decided that this means I'm ready to have a baby: I am so, so broody.

So mumsnetters, should I do it? Vote YABU if you think.its nuts to consider another chikd at age 44 with a difficulty -to-manage 8 year old, and a husband who can't fullly manage her. Vote YANBU if you think.its always nuts to have kids, and that I am so used to sleep deprivation that a baby will be no problem, and chubby baby wrists are wortg it all. And please excuse typos: my tablet hatesme and would vote YABU.

OP posts:

beattieedny · 08/04/2022 13:33

I wouldn't, despite usually being the pro-baby person! At 44, it's going to be v hard on your body and possibly the baby. Then the toddler phase is just so exhausting. One of my kids is autistic (high function) and he is a fantastic brother, but it was extremely difficult.

BlueOverYellow · 08/04/2022 13:36

Gently, with a husband on the spectrum and your first child on the spectrum, and with you both now 9 years older than you were the last time you conceived, you do know the odds are high that you'll have another one on the spectrum. Do you really think you could cope?

girlmom21 · 08/04/2022 13:38

How would you cope if your next child had the same needs as DD?

Dairymilk50 · 08/04/2022 13:43

Are you broody OP? At 44 I suspect it would be tiring... even more so than the first time round. I think that about myself at 31.

No I would not do it OP.

whumpthereitis · 08/04/2022 13:45

So your husband is already struggling to cope. If you add another baby into the mix and the marriage breaks down, could you handle two children on your own? One that certainly has sen, and another that may well have also? If one child has autism, there is an increased chance a sibling will, especially if one of the parents has it too. Your age also increase the risk.

Think also of the child you have now. She already struggles to cope and has daily outbursts. A new baby would absolutely disrupt the household and may very well see her spiral. If the new baby is also high needs, are you going to be able to support both?

And what of the new child itself. Will you be able to meet their needs in an already struggling household? Is it fair and right to create a whole new individual, regardless of whether NT or SEN, to bring them into a household that is already just about coping?

Think of the family you have now, the people that actually exist. Think also of yourself and what you can realistically cope with on your own (because if the stressors on your marriage become too great, this is likely what you’ll be) financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. Just because you theoretically can have another, doesn’t mean that you should.

TiddleyWink · 08/04/2022 13:51

Sounds like a terrible idea, in all honesty. Also, and not meaning to be rude, but I’m surprised you’re so confident it’s an option. It’s HIGHLY unlikely that you would fall pregnant at 45.

Sunnytwobridges · 08/04/2022 13:55

I don't think the age difference is a problem, it's the fact that you will have to go thru all of this AGAIN and at 45/46. There's no guarantee you will have a chill baby. Altho I understand how you feel but i think your broodiness will pass.

Ilady · 08/04/2022 14:08

One of my friends has a a son who has autism and he is a few years older than your child. My friend got him assed early on and had to fight to get the support he needed. She put in a lot of time and effort to get him to where he is now. She told me that she had done a lot of research into autism and it was in her family. She also found out that if she had another child their would be a higher chance of her next child having autism and it could be worse than her son's.
I know that my friends son could not cope at all with a crying baby or a toddler annoying him when he was younger and had meltdowns then. Now he asks to leave a place or if someone with a baby calls to the house he just goes to his room.

I also know another lady who's 2nd child has autism. Her 3rd child has autism worse than child no 2 and is non verbal. She is younger than you but I know she is finding it very hard coping with 2 kids with autism.

At your age you also have a higher chance of having a child with downs syndrome or other special needs. You also have a higher chance of your 2 child having autism and it could be worse than your daughter's.
As your daughter grows up she will need your help to get the best life she possibly can and I think that if would be very hard to cope if you had a 2 children with autism or a 2nd child with special needs.

vivkensington · 08/04/2022 15:36

I have 3. I wouldn't have had number 3 if I'd known how much support both 1&2 would need. They have various SEN (also autistic). No.3 is showing signs of ADHD. I don't regret it as they are all wonderful and no 3 is a joy. 2&3 both play together nicely as close in age but I don't have enough time to devote to each and struggle to look after all 3 in unfamiliar locations or if one is having a hard time.
My advice would be assume a second child would be autistic and then by all means have another if you feel you and your first child can cope with the extra support demands.

LampLighter414 · 08/04/2022 15:40

Interesting post

However it is odd that you have come to seek strangers opinions when surely the one person in the world whose opinion should affect your decision the most is that of your DH? You haven't stated their view. I personally can't vote either way without knowing. What do they think?

HulaTheHedgehog · 08/04/2022 15:42

@TheBigQuestion Not in a million years!

Not only because you struggled with your DD, but also because you are 44. Why on EARTH would anyone elect to have a baby at 44?

Not in a million years would I have a baby at 44.The chances are very high also, that any child you have now, will have similar issues to your DD - or worse.

Don't do it.

Fundays12 · 08/04/2022 15:46

My eldest has autism and ADHD. He is 10 now and omg is hard work. I have 2 younger kids who are nuerotypical (ages 5 and 2). Both of them combined are less work than my eldest child. I knew DS1 was most likely autistic when I had my second child. My 3rd was a surprise. They love each other but the dynamics are difficult as they all have such different needs and my eldest meltdowns dominate a lot as do his needs. However having siblings has taught him so much and overall is a very positive thing for him and us as a family. I was 38 when my youngest was born. I definitely wouldn't have anymore at 44 though to be honest.

OfstedOffred · 08/04/2022 15:51

Is it possible a bit of perimenopause might be causing a wave of "last chance longing"? At 44 your odds of conceiving aren't that great.

EdgyNeonAnt · 08/04/2022 15:55

The possibility of autism wouldn't put me off. I have autism and ADHD, my eldest (toddler) is also autistic, youngest is not. We still plan on having a third.
However I wouldn't do it at 44.

Original poster

TheBigQuestion · 08/04/2022 15:58

Many thanks all, especially to those sharing their own experiences.

To those asking, DH is supportive either way: he loves babies and children (if he was the one conceiving, we'd likely have more than one already), but he worries about our ability to cope.

OP posts:

AG1981 · 08/04/2022 16:00

I have an 8yo with "high functioning" autism. She is a great big sister to her 4yo sister. She is one of the most caring older siblings I know and they get in brilliantly. So in that sense YANBU to consider another child when your eldest is autistic.

However, the age will make it difficult and having struggled to conceive and had miscarriages I wouldn't underestimate this. Also we are fortunate in that my eldest sleeps well.

Good luck!

Didiplanthis · 08/04/2022 16:12

Have you thought about the significantly higher risk of twins at 44... and the rates of autism in twins is already significantly higher than in single births..without the family history... I have twins with ASD and ADHD... I love them so much but it is very very hard.. on us , them and their older sister.

NightIbble · 08/04/2022 16:13

I wouldn't if I were you. My only has suspected autism and I know would not cope with a baby (crying is one of his triggers) and it was a big part of our decision to only have one.

Ragruggers · 08/04/2022 16:15

I would be content with your daughter and doing your best for her as you already do. New baby and sleepless nights would be so hard for you all if the baby also has autism which could be the case their needs could be even harder than your daughters.Enjoy what you have and good luck.

HelloBunny · 08/04/2022 16:18

Would you be looking to get help, with getting pregnant? It can be a long road. I had my baby at 44 (natural conception) but wouldn’t have considered fertility treatment.

Also, I wouldn’t have been trying if I’d already had a kid. I’m happy with my DS, but I don’t think I could handle two, now. I do think you’re broody, I was before having my son.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 08/04/2022 16:24

I really wouldn't. But if you must do it, I would do it on the presumption that any further baby would have autism and needs at least as significant as your Dad's, and also on the assumption that I would be coping largely alone.

This is basically just your hormones sounding the last-chance-saloon alarm. And they aren't going to be a lot of help to you once the baby's actually there and not sleeping. I think you are more likely to look back and be glad you didn't do this than the reverse.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 08/04/2022 16:25

DD's not dad's. Shut up autocorrect

GougeAway · 08/04/2022 16:28

I have a daughter with ASD (Asperger’s under the old criteria). She was a very difficult baby and toddler but I didn’t want an only child so we gave a second with a nearly 3 year gap. Luckily she wasn’t too jealous but did struggle with the new born crying. Second born carried everywhere abs spoiled to prevent any wailing.

I wouldn’t start again with a big gap as there is no knowing how your DD would react, plus the high chance of another child with SN. I do understand the urge though. I was really broody at 44, coming out of it at 48 and enjoying having children who are more independent.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 08/04/2022 16:35

My concern would not be primarily your age in having a baby but rather that the whole situation might be so difficult for you. You may turn an already challenging situation into something unmanageable and it sounds like the burden would be on you.

I am an older mother - almost 50 at the school gates with the last one. None of my children have any extra issues. But I have been finding it hard as I have got into some menopausal changes and haven’t felt so well myself but have needed to soldier on with caring for the family. Menopause is much worse than I imagined it would be.

Mariposista · 08/04/2022 16:42

No way. Dealing with a needy primary age child, newborn, job and husband all at once? Absolutely no chance.

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