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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed at this comment?

61 replies

Sofiegiraffe · 08/04/2022 10:28

"It doesn't matter if you're late for work, though".

Said to me by "D"P this morning when I was stressed about getting to work on time and doing the childminder drop off. He was comparing it to his job and saying if I'm late it's fine but not if he's late, ie his job is somehow more important?!

I said I was fuming at this comment. His reply was "what I mean is they understand that you have the childcare drop off to do so they're flexible with you".

Yes but - I still have to be there on time and it certainly "matters" if I'm not!

AIBU to be fuming with him for his seeming disregard for the importance of my job relative to his?

For context I've just gone back FT from mat leave and I am finding it incredibly stressful (which he's aware of). He's making me feel like I'm overreacting though. I don't know if I am. Am I??

OP posts:
RedskyThisNight · 08/04/2022 10:33

I think it does depend on jobs - I've had some jobs where the start time was fairly flexible so it didn't really matter, and some where you had to be there at a set time. So if he's meaning this, then it's a reasonable comment.

If he's meaning it's ok for you because you are a woman and he is a a man, that's not ok. In fact I'd argue that women tend to have to bend over backwards to prove their childcaring responsibilities do not impact their work. Though that might be changing recently with so many companies now becoming more "flexible and family friendly" and more men getting involved in things like school runs.

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 08/04/2022 10:36

The start times are flexible but because I am the person doing all the childcare drop offs and pick ups by myself, I am constrained by those timings. I can't start any later than I do, because then I'd have to stay later to make up the time. Which I can't because I need to get to the childminder.

OP posts:
rahjama · 08/04/2022 10:37

Depends on the job but he's definitely right. My DH's job are very strict on being on time and have been known to put sanctions in place for people being late. My job couldn't give a shit and I'm often a little late as are others.

minniep · 08/04/2022 10:37

Totally depends on the context. DH is more senior than I was so it really didn't matter what time he clocked in at and also it was easier for him to leave if DC were sick so he was landed with all the dropping and collecting

ThePlantsitter · 08/04/2022 10:38

My job is way more flexible than DHs so this is true but it still irritates me when he says it because it's bloody lucky for him that it is isn't it? So YANBU. Gavel.

Somuddled · 08/04/2022 10:40

Well there are loads of jobs where it doesn't really matter, is yours one of them? In my last three jobs (senior office jobs) I had an official start time but people arrived anywhere between 30 minutes before and 15 after. It didn't really matter. My husbands jobs require a hand over with a different team at the start of each day so really important for everyone to be there on time.

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 08/04/2022 10:41

Has anyone read my update?

YES there is flexibility BUT if I'm later to arrive, I have to be later to leave. I cannot leave later because I am the only person who does childcare pick ups. So I would have no flexibility to make up the time.

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 08/04/2022 10:42

My ex and I had equally demanding jobs. If you have to do both drop off and pick up you are always going to be pushed to get your hours in (particularly if you're using a childminder or nursery). For us it worked better that one did drop off and one pick up so we could try to get the hours - work - in.

JenniferBarkley · 08/04/2022 10:42

Depends on the job, we both have very flexible jobs so it only matters if we actually have a lecture or meeting.

However, I wouldn't be happy about having to do all pick ups and drop offs etc. Is there something specific about his job that genuinely means his job can't be flexible where yours can, or is it just that his is a Big Important Man Job and the children are yours to worry about?

Juggling nursery runs and work is stressful, wouldn't be taking all that on unless he really really couldn't. What do his female colleagues with children do?

BingBangB0ng · 08/04/2022 10:42

@Sofiegiraffe

The start times are flexible but because I am the person doing all the childcare drop offs and pick ups by myself, I am constrained by those timings. I can't start any later than I do, because then I'd have to stay later to make up the time. Which I can't because I need to get to the childminder.
Have you made this point to him? That it does matter because then you aren’t actually allowed to leave on time to do pick up, and they will mind if you don’t work your contracted hours. I would be fuming too.
NiceTwin · 08/04/2022 10:45

I adjusted my hours, since Covid, to do the school run, she previously went on the bus.

Can you adjust your hours to start maybe 10 - 15 mins after you should, or whatever you need?
It will take the stress off you if you are pushing it to start and leave on time.

mamawho99 · 08/04/2022 10:50

My partner says this too!
It does piss me off a little bit.

My job is extremely flexible and I can go in to "debit" and it's not an issue but I still feel pressure to drop the girls off as early as possible so I can get in to work "on time". I am about minus 9 hours each month and I'm struggling to actually do my hours each week but partner assumes it's not an issue at all!

I wouldn't let it get to you but it is bloody irritating.

Nicholethejewellery · 08/04/2022 10:50

Yes, I think he's correct from the way you describe it.

phoenixrosehere · 08/04/2022 10:51

YANBU

Point out that since you do both drop-offs and pick-ups it does matter since you have to make up the time if you’re late which means picking up the child late or he’ll have to start chipping in. Why isn’t he chipping in btw?

HollowTalk · 08/04/2022 10:54

I think he needs to do drop offs or pick ups - his choice.

AlisonDonut · 08/04/2022 10:54

Is it more important though? Whose hours bring in the most £ to the household?

SunnySideDownBriefly · 08/04/2022 10:58

I would be fuming too. You need to get this attitude knocked out of him ASAP. Very unfair on you and one of the reasons that it is so hard for women to progress in their careers once they've had children. It's a very real pressure for you and he isn't understanding that.

I can't believe people have misunderstood this so much on the thread. What do you all think her team will feel if she's constantly working under her hours?

JenniferBarkley · 08/04/2022 11:04

@AlisonDonut

Is it more important though? Whose hours bring in the most £ to the household?
This is awful reasoning unless it's literally a question of putting food on the table. It traps the lower earning partner in a cycle of always being the one to do nursery runs, cover sick days and school holidays, damaging their reputation at work and ability to progress, while the other parent goes from strength to strength. The lower earning parent will be viewed as unreliable in the workplace and ultimate can find themselves very financially vulnerable in the event of a separation. This traps many women in unhappy or abusive relationships.

Both are parents, both should actually do the parenting unless it really isn't possible.

Sally872 · 08/04/2022 11:05

My work are flexible and understanding if I am late. My dh work more likely to threaten disciplinary so in that sense it matters more if he is late.

However as my employer are supportive I don't want to lose their good will or let other team members down by being late more than very occasionally so it definitely still matters.

Have a chat explaining it absolutely does matter if you are late and we need to work together to avoid it. Perhaps point out what he would think of a colleague who is late frequently because they have kids.

Forevergold2838 · 08/04/2022 11:26

It does depend on the employer. I absolutely can not be late, I'm a scrub nurse, I have to be on time. DH can be flexible, he can start and finish later if need be.

AlisonDonut · 08/04/2022 11:33

This is awful reasoning unless it's literally a question of putting food on the table. It traps the lower earning partner in a cycle of always being the one to do nursery runs, cover sick days and school holidays, damaging their reputation at work and ability to progress, while the other parent goes from strength to strength. The lower earning parent will be viewed as unreliable in the workplace and ultimate can find themselves very financially vulnerable in the event of a separation. This traps many women in unhappy or abusive relationships. Both are parents, both should actually do the parenting unless it really isn't possible.

I'm well aware of the above, but in these times of quite harsh breadlines, we have no idea whether they could carry on if one was dismissed for timekeeping. So that is why I asked if it was more important or not. It is completely logical reasoning if they wouldn't eat if the higher earner lost their job.

chelle0 · 08/04/2022 11:56

I get you op.

I have to leave at 7.45 and this morning our daughter was still fast asleep at 7.45 and he was playing games on his phone 🙄

Doesn't matter if your job is flexible or not, it's the principle. It's saying me and my job is more important than you and yours. Bastards. I don't know what to recommend or say but I'm with you on being annoyed!!!

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 08/04/2022 12:04

@AlisonDonut

Is it more important though? Whose hours bring in the most £ to the household?

I earn more, though I'm not sure if that's relevant

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 08/04/2022 12:05

@chelle0

I get you op.

I have to leave at 7.45 and this morning our daughter was still fast asleep at 7.45 and he was playing games on his phone 🙄

Doesn't matter if your job is flexible or not, it's the principle. It's saying me and my job is more important than you and yours. Bastards. I don't know what to recommend or say but I'm with you on being annoyed!!!

Yes - You 100% get where i am coming from. It's the implication that my job is less important than his that I'm fuming about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 08/04/2022 12:07

@SunnySideDownBriefly

I would be fuming too. You need to get this attitude knocked out of him ASAP. Very unfair on you and one of the reasons that it is so hard for women to progress in their careers once they've had children. It's a very real pressure for you and he isn't understanding that.

I can't believe people have misunderstood this so much on the thread. What do you all think her team will feel if she's constantly working under her hours?

Exactly!
OP posts: