Would you be annoyed at this comment?

[Sofiegiraffe]

"It doesn't matter if you're late for work, though".

Said to me by "D"P this morning when I was stressed about getting to work on time and doing the childminder drop off. He was comparing it to his job and saying if I'm late it's fine but not if he's late, ie his job is somehow more important?!

I said I was fuming at this comment. His reply was "what I mean is they understand that you have the childcare drop off to do so they're flexible with you".

Yes but - I still have to be there on time and it certainly "matters" if I'm not!

AIBU to be fuming with him for his seeming disregard for the importance of my job relative to his?

For context I've just gone back FT from mat leave and I am finding it incredibly stressful (which he's aware of). He's making me feel like I'm overreacting though. I don't know if I am. Am I??

So what would he do if something ever happened to you where you were physically unable to do drop-offs and pick-ups? He’d have no choice but to tell his employers he couldn’t do xyz.

Love that story billy. I used to feel like I'd run a bloody marathon by the time I arrived at work. Hope you can get your husband to pull his weight OP. Also this too will pass. My 8 year old sets an alarm, gets up, gets dressed and gets his breakfast. He lays out his clothes the night before. I so remember the chaotic mornings though.

But what about on his days off during the week?! My husband does shift work and if he is off om a childcare day he gets all day chilling so the least he can do is the morning drop off!

He tends to cram a lot of overtime into his days off, so it gets eaten into meaning he's rarely free to do the drop off even on a day "off". He's a bit of a workaholic, basically. I genuinely believe that he prefers to be at work than at home.

@phoenixrosehere

So what would he do if something ever happened to you where you were physically unable to do drop-offs and pick-ups? He’d have no choice but to tell his employers he couldn’t do xyz.

I've said this to him before, he just says things like "well I'd have to make it work, wouldn't I? But we're not in that situation so I don't need to think about it..." etc

He has come home from a night shift early on one occasion when I caught a tummy bug from the baby and was physically unable to leave the bathroom to see to her. I rang his work and said I needed him home. And on one occasion he's stayed off work with the baby when she was sick (I've done the other sick days with her). But he's never experienced the stressful race through rush hour traffic to get to the childminder on time etc ... that's all on me.

Tell him he can't work on his days off as childcare and drops offs/pick ups are on him. If DC is ill he will be the one doing the caring!

@NoSquirrels

For context I've just gone back FT from mat leave and I am finding it incredibly stressful (which he's aware of). He's making me feel like I'm overreacting though. I don't know if I am. Am I??

The return to work from FT maternity leave is a massive, massive adjustment for everyone.

For men, it’s often the first time that having a baby actually impacts their life significantly, in my experience.

For women our lives change the moment we get pregnant, but for men until it actually affects their day-to-day and they have to make choices and sacrifices and have tricky conversations and do some sole childcare they’re oblivious.

So when both parents are working it’s a rude awakening. Added to which women often feel guilty and insecure about leaving their babies to work, and they can’t face the fight with their partners at the same time to get equal status. So they let this stuff go for an easy life, or decide to give up work or cut down significantly. And the men sail on, unaffected…

OP, you are not overreacting. He’s under reacting in order to not have to face his own difficult transition- he’d rather it all carried on like when you were on maternity leave.

Keep speaking up for what’s fair. It’s the only way. If he’s a good bloke he’ll get it eventually- no one likes change but we must all adapt.

This really resonates with me and I found it really helpful to read. Thank you.

Not an overreaction at all.

He undervalues what you do for work.

@RandomMess

Tell him he can't work on his days off as childcare and drops offs/pick ups are on him. If DC is ill he will be the one doing the caring!

Absolutely this.

If he needs to do overtime for the money, he needs a better paying, more family friendly job. He’s not working as a team with you, he’s just doing his own thing. He needs to change that attitude.

Love Billy's story about the 8am work lie!

The length you have to go to sometimes!