To ask will she grow out of this?

[Margot78]

Dd age 10 has had an issue with clothes for a couple of years. She latches on to one item of clothing and wears nothing else. She will wear her school uniform but as soon as she gets home she flings it off and puts the same navy top on with black and white striped leggings. I have to wash them every night - they are looking worn and too small. It is so frustrating to see her unworn clothes in the wardrobe and to see her friends dressing normally when she can’t seem to. She gets so anxious at the mere thought of trying something else on. Camhs say she will grow out of it and that it’s not ocd as it’s not rigid enough. That’s all very well but what do I do in the meantime? I’m at my wits end with this - I’ve no idea where all this clothes anxiety has come from, I just want her to enjoy wearing clothes.

My ds is 18 & autistic, he won't wear any branded clothes like boys his age wear, he will only wear TU black skinny Jeans & black T shirts, I thought we had a breakthrough when he bought a blue T shirt but it is stuffed at the back of his drawer. When he was young enough for me to buy his clothes he wore labels because I bought him them.

I have taken her shopping, she picks out a few items, takes them to the changing room, spends less than a minute trying them on and rejects all of them. On the rare occasions she says she wants one, we buy it, take it home and then she doesn’t wear it.

I don’t know if she is neuro diverse in some way. It feels a little scary to think she is as I don’t want her life to be hard but on the other hand it would bring some relief. I’ve felt so depressed wondering what I’ve done wrong - she has always had a safe, secure, happy home and lots of opportunities to try new experiences, the opposite childhood to mine and so it’s been hard to understand where all this anxiety is coming from. She can’t explain it all herself, God knows we’ve asked her enough.

@Margot78 what exactly would happen if you didn't wash them?

And if she's yelling at you because they're not ironed "the right way" then stop ironing them. Respect goes both ways and she's not a small child.

Alternatively, what would happen if those 2 items just disappeared and you didn't make a massive deal about it?

My daughter is ten and has been similar for a few years - but she is getting to a point where she will now wear different things. As a child I had similar clothes issues (ie the feel of them) but my needs weren’t respected. I have largely grown out of the issues - there are still some fabrics I cannot tolerate at all.

It sounds like a symptom of ASD. I was/am the same to a lesser degree, it’s like an emotional blanket. Even now, if I have an item of clothing I like I will buy duplicates, this also goes for shoes. DP thinks it’s weird that I hate shopping, but it’s a source of anxiety for me. I also used to wear my hair in my face, didn’t realise it at the time, but it was another way that I could ‘hide’ . Not to say it is ASD but it is one of the signs.

My nephew went through this a few years back. My sister bought several sets of the same outfit. He is still particular about what he wears but it's not as extreme now. Hang in there.

@Lalliella

Eh? I have a very narrow range of clothes I wear. I wear only natural fibres, I hate man-made. They make me sweat or itch. I just thought I had sensitive skin and mild allergies. I tend to wear the same things because I CBA to go through my wardrobe. It never occurred to me I could be autistic.

And OP's daughter wears only one set of clothes that has to be newly ironed because contemplating wearing anything else makes her unbearably anxious. It's hardly the same thing, is it?

if she’s yelling at me because she thinks I haven’t ironed it properly. It can make life pretty stressful

Time to teach her how to iron her own things, perhaps?

worth googling infant reflexes or primitive reflexes not going dormant and seeing if relevant to her.

Waiting lists for autism assessments are insane at the moment - in my area it’s generally 2 years or more on the NHS, 6-12 months for a private assessment. So if you have concerns (and I would based on what you’ve said) then it may be worth getting onto the waiting list sooner rather than later.

Also well worth learning about autism and sensory needs, a lot of the techniques can be useful for any child, whether neurodiverse or not.

Not to the same extent, but DS has basically lived in one brand of shorts and one brand of teeshirts for about 5 years. Finding a jumper for winter is a tough job.
He HATES new clothes - he doesn't try stuff on because then he dislikes the feel and rejects it. So we buy the next size up, wash it several times, and put it in the wardrobe. On the rare occasion he needs trousers, he wears an outgrown pair from his brother.

What is she like with bedding?

I think people who are saying 'don't worry' are doing the OP a disservice. She clearly is worried and wants to find a solution.
My 2 DSs are neurodiverse and have had issues with the sensory aspects of clothing.
It might be absolutely fine, and it might not. Have school highlighted anything? Is there a difference in her behaviour between home and school.
Autism in girls often presents very differently than in boys, they are very good at learning how to fit it but it is very stressful for them.

You've said that she was seeing CAHMS because of night time anxiety, which rang bells with me- one of my sons had a similar issue, which peaked with a few weeks of hardly sleeping at all, and then slowly resolved. Although he's adult now, and still gets anxious at the thought of sleeping away from home, though home to him is now his own flat.
I've had issues around the feel of clothes myself.
Could I suggest that you buy her clothes as similar as you can to the ones she likes, and then slowly get her used to them- if she doesn't want to wear them straight away, leave them out where she can see them, not put away in a drawer, so that they become visually familiar to her. Wash them with her preferred clothes a few times, then maybe get her to try them over or under her favoured items. Slow exposure is the aim here, I'd treat it in the same way you expose children to food they won't try by putting a tiny bit on their plate everyday without making them eat it.
How long has this been an issue for her?

I have ASD. This behaviour with clothes is exactly as I was when I was a child. I did a little better as an older teen but I'm still very bothered about labels, textures, tight waist elastic etc. I tend to buy trousers in a size too big, for comfort. I still miss one particular item of clothing I wore obsessively from ages 8 to 11 (until my mum made me bin it). Comfort is king!

I was a bit like this - I had certain items of clothing I was very attached too. One in particular was a soft dress when I was about 6 or 7. Mam wanted to throw it away as it was old and had been patched up a lot and so I became very adept at fishing it out of the bin or finding where she'd hidden it.

We got to the point where I was allowed to wear it around the house only - Dad put his foot down and said I could keep it. I think it was almost like a comfort blanket. Eventually it became too small and I used it to dress my teddy bear in instead.

I was generally particular about clothes. I hated the itchy wool jumpers and cardigans my Nain would knit me and refused to wear them. I had to wear socks inside out. I didn't like trousers and couldn't cope with tights until year 8. I used to go bare legged and cold in winter rather than wear trousers or tights.

I'm still particular now. Most jumpers are too itchy. I wear jeans sometimes but otherwise live in dresses and skirts. I'll wear pyjama bottoms around the house. I have some old, holey clothes I wear around the house which DH hates.

I was diagnosed with dyspraxia when I was 21.

@Margot78

I have taken her shopping, she picks out a few items, takes them to the changing room, spends less than a minute trying them on and rejects all of them. On the rare occasions she says she wants one, we buy it, take it home and then she doesn’t wear it.

I don’t know if she is neuro diverse in some way. It feels a little scary to think she is as I don’t want her life to be hard but on the other hand it would bring some relief. I’ve felt so depressed wondering what I’ve done wrong - she has always had a safe, secure, happy home and lots of opportunities to try new experiences, the opposite childhood to mine and so it’s been hard to understand where all this anxiety is coming from. She can’t explain it all herself, God knows we’ve asked her enough.

@Margot78, you sound like a lovely mum. It's really clear that you've got your daughter's wellbeing at heart and are being really kind and sensitive to her.

I don't have kids, but ... I was a very anxious child. I didn't have any issues with clothes beyond the usual not wanting to wear things that were itchy, which loads of people have - but I did have a lot of other anxieties and obsessions. I just want to reassure you that you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I had a lovely safe, secure, happy home with lots of interesting experiences and so on to. It's honestly not your fault.

@Nat6999

My ds is 18 & autistic, he won't wear any branded clothes like boys his age wear, he will only wear TU black skinny Jeans & black T shirts, I thought we had a breakthrough when he bought a blue T shirt but it is stuffed at the back of his drawer. When he was young enough for me to buy his clothes he wore labels because I bought him them.

This is my 19 year old ASD son too. Only wears skinny jeans and black t shirts and a black hoody. He refuses to wear a coat, even if it's pouring down with rain.

I would hunt for duplicates and not make a big deal of it. I’d also buy multiples of the next outfit- if you manage to get her to move on.

My ds was like this, as was i, we’re autistic. Now (we are 16 and 41) we are quite fussy about clothes but not as restricted.

Thank you, I appreciate your insight. I don’t expect change I just worry that these are getting too small for her (I can’t get any more exactly the same as the shop doesn’t do them anymore) and I don’t know how best to respond to her. I try to be understanding but it always seems to end up being an issue and I know I’m failing her.

OP. You could look on EBay and Vinted, might find them there.

@DelphiniumBlue

You've said that she was seeing CAHMS because of night time anxiety, which rang bells with me- one of my sons had a similar issue, which peaked with a few weeks of hardly sleeping at all, and then slowly resolved. Although he's adult now, and still gets anxious at the thought of sleeping away from home, though home to him is now his own flat. I've had issues around the feel of clothes myself. Could I suggest that you buy her clothes as similar as you can to the ones she likes, and then slowly get her used to them- if she doesn't want to wear them straight away, leave them out where she can see them, not put away in a drawer, so that they become visually familiar to her. Wash them with her preferred clothes a few times, then maybe get her to try them over or under her favoured items. Slow exposure is the aim here, I'd treat it in the same way you expose children to food they won't try by putting a tiny bit on their plate everyday without making them eat it. How long has this been an issue for her?

Thank you that’s good advice I may have to try that.

@CaffiSaliMali

I was a bit like this - I had certain items of clothing I was very attached too. One in particular was a soft dress when I was about 6 or 7. Mam wanted to throw it away as it was old and had been patched up a lot and so I became very adept at fishing it out of the bin or finding where she'd hidden it.

We got to the point where I was allowed to wear it around the house only - Dad put his foot down and said I could keep it. I think it was almost like a comfort blanket. Eventually it became too small and I used it to dress my teddy bear in instead.

I was generally particular about clothes. I hated the itchy wool jumpers and cardigans my Nain would knit me and refused to wear them. I had to wear socks inside out. I didn't like trousers and couldn't cope with tights until year 8. I used to go bare legged and cold in winter rather than wear trousers or tights.

I'm still particular now. Most jumpers are too itchy. I wear jeans sometimes but otherwise live in dresses and skirts. I'll wear pyjama bottoms around the house. I have some old, holey clothes I wear around the house which DH hates.

I was diagnosed with dyspraxia when I was 21.

It is reassuring to know that it’s something others have experienced and that it hasn’t impinged upon your lives too much. I guess she may always be a bit this way with clothes and that’s fine, it’s just quite hard at the minute.

My daughter has ASD (diagnosed). She has the same issues with clothes, sleep and is very anxious. She's also very intelligent and has a good memory. She actually has Asperger's, although it all now comes under ASD.

You've probably thought of this but you can get under clothes that children with sensory difficulties like - like football skins. I wonder if something like this might help?

In my area we have a Sensory Occupational Therapy service in the Local Authority that school can refer into. They give excellent advice to parents and schools. Might also be worth a try?

You sound lovely by the way

My son has this issue. He isn't diagnosed with anything as cahms etc wouldn't take it any further because in their words "he's not bad enough" but his teachers and our family know that he has asd.
Clothing has been one of our biggest issues throughout his ten years on this planet so far and it's showing no sign of changing.
He's a little less rigid then your daughter in that he has 4 pants, 2 trousers, 4 t shirts and 1 hoodie that he will wear. In the summer after much negotiation we can get him into 1 pair of shorts which he then refuses to change back to trousers come winter. It is so incredibly frustrating for me because I can't relate and his dad gets very annoyed about it.
He has a wardrobe and drawers full of lovely clothes that he never wears.

As he's got older I've talked to him about it a lot. We've come to the conclusion that it's the soft, worn in feeling that he likes. Whereas new stuff feels stiff and rigid. I have to wash everything whilst he's at school as he doesn't like me to do that either.
I unfortunately don't have any advice as nothing has worked. I've explained to him just this week that he will soon be starting puberty where he is going to grow alot and these clothes won't fit him anymore. What will he do then? I've tried bribery, him coming shopping and choosing the clothes. He's happy with the choice at the time & then won't wear them. We've even tried taking his usual clothes away and trying to force him to wear other ones but it ends in terrible meltdowns that we can't cope with. It's very tough

Also, I'm not sure what area you are in but here my daughter started off with CAMHS as they thought ADHD but when they realised it was ASD they discharged her to Paediatrics as they didn't deal with that.