To be upset they didn’t invite me?

[Gettingtoofrustrated]

My family are meeting up for drinks tonight to celebrate my sister’s fiancées birthday. My sister works for me but nobody mentioned a thing. I asked my sister what she was up to tonight just as general conversation and she said she was busy so couldn’t do anything. When I asked her what she was up to she said she was seeing my mum for a drink. Not thinking much of it I messaged my mum to see whether I could come for a drink; not mentioning my sister. She said she was going to the pub, again not mentioning my sister. I said I know, with X and X, can I come along? She said no.

I just find it odd how secretive it all is and and am upset I wasn’t invited but more upset they dodged it and didn’t even tell me. It’s not that it’s a drink but a birthday celebration and it hurts a bit to be excluded, when we’re normally a close knit family.

AIBU to be upset?

YANBU

But if you're normally a close knit family/they're not normally insane then this seems very, very odd!

Well no, YANBU, but you’re massively missing something here. No way there’s no something else going on.

If you're a close knit family it's extremely odd to be told you can't come (when it involves going to the pub which is open to all). And equally odd that you didn't ask why.

Does your sister's fiancee not like you?

Do you openly disapprove of the fiancé? It’s unpleasant and weird otherwise.

I get on really well with my sister’s fiancée. My mum is very controlling and at the moment she has been very jealous because my business has been going well recently. We are a close knit family in that for occasions like this we’d normally all get together but my mum can be very very nasty. But for my sister to not even mention a thing is odd and I feel there is something going on too, but am not sure what other than it’s a way to shut me out perhaps.

I said I know, with X and X, can I come along? She said no.

You've left out some important info, like what she said when you asked her why not?

@VyeBrator there is no information because I didn’t ask, I just left it - because she would turn nasty otherwise and I’ve been feeling quite anxious lately so don’t need it tonight

[quote Gettingtoofrustrated]@VyeBrator there is no information because I didn’t ask, I just left it - because she would turn nasty otherwise and I’ve been feeling quite anxious lately so don’t need it tonight[/quote]
Ahh ok. In that case no-one here can really say whether YABU or YANBU. I'd be getting to the bottom of it though if I were you.

Did the fiancée arrange it and invite people? I can see how someone might invite their future MIL but not the whole family.

And it’s ok for a Mum to treat her Dd and future DIL without inviting the whole family.

@HomeHomeInTheRange no my mum arranged it

Well, you know the problem: your Mum is being jealous and nasty. And probably your sister feels awkward about it.

With your Mum being like that atm why did you call and ask HER if you could go?

Well it sounds like it’s for the reasons you think it is - your mum’s jealousy. Although you say you’re close knit, your mum’s behaviour to you suggests otherwise. She sounds toxic - someone you might need some distance from.
I wouldn’t want to go where I’m not wanted, so I’d drop it. But if you feel you can chat to your sister, let her know how it’s made you feel and ask her why you’ve been left out.

That sounds very upsetting @Gettingtoofrustrated, awful to be left out and sad that you had to ask and your mum said no mean

When I asked her what she was up to she said she was seeing my mum for a drink. Not thinking much of it I messaged my mum to see whether I could come for a drink; not mentioning my sister

Yeah that’s a weird thing to do. When your sister said she was meeting your mum why didn’t you ask her to come along? Something is missing here, no one does what you did without reason.

I'd just turn up. It's a free country.

Seems very petty.

So if your mum is nasty then that’s the issue. Avoid contact as much as possible.

I'd just turn up at the pub too, have done this before and will do it again.

I guess because I knew it wouldn’t be up to my sister but to my mum? I guess this is a weird dynamic now I write it out

We are a close family - with a nasty and jealous mum???

"Close knit" ???

How can you possibly be very very close to someone you describe as very very nasty?

I don't understand.

You are not describing a close knit family at all, a close knit family would never hurt each other or leave one another out. Could they be talking about something private? Do you have reason to believe you are deliberately being left out? History?

@Lunificent

Well it sounds like it’s for the reasons you think it is - your mum’s jealousy. Although you say you’re close knit, your mum’s behaviour to you suggests otherwise. She sounds toxic - someone you might need some distance from. I wouldn’t want to go where I’m not wanted, so I’d drop it. But if you feel you can chat to your sister, let her know how it’s made you feel and ask her why you’ve been left out.

I agree. I dont think you're the close knit family you think you are.

YANBU!
I'd be very upset and angry if it was done to me!
You say your DM gets "nasty" and might be jealous of you OP? Get a copy of "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and see does any of it ring a bell. It might be that your DM and family only allow you to be close on your DM's terms.
I'm sorry, it's horrible to be pushed out like that and it sounds like you do not deserve it at all!

Could your sister have asked your mum to meet up just them for some reason? Not to exclude you, but to talk about something private?

Maybe I'm missing something, but how do you know it's a birthday celebration?

Opposite of close knit.
Your DM is nasty and you daren't speak honestly to her.
Weird all round.
Just see less of them.