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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they didn’t invite me?

56 replies

Gettingtoofrustrated · 07/04/2022 18:36

My family are meeting up for drinks tonight to celebrate my sister’s fiancées birthday. My sister works for me but nobody mentioned a thing. I asked my sister what she was up to tonight just as general conversation and she said she was busy so couldn’t do anything. When I asked her what she was up to she said she was seeing my mum for a drink. Not thinking much of it I messaged my mum to see whether I could come for a drink; not mentioning my sister. She said she was going to the pub, again not mentioning my sister. I said I know, with X and X, can I come along? She said no.

I just find it odd how secretive it all is and and am upset I wasn’t invited but more upset they dodged it and didn’t even tell me. It’s not that it’s a drink but a birthday celebration and it hurts a bit to be excluded, when we’re normally a close knit family.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 07/04/2022 19:13

That is just horrible and your mum sounds very controlling. Does your sister agree to all your mum says? Have things always been difficult with you and your mum. Cannot understand how a mum can do this to a child and not fair if one child is excluded. Try not to overthink it but I would ask my sister face to face why you could not join them and it makes you feel really upset. Maybe though as another poster said your sister needs to discuss something with your mum. Hope you are ok and treat yourself to something nice to eat and try to organize something yourself and don't overthink it all as it could be just something silly and most likely something going on with your mum or sister and nothing at all to do with excluding you.

Eightiesfan · 07/04/2022 19:16

Just ask your sister. She’s probably quite embarrassed by all of this if this is your mum’s doing. If you can’t get an answer out of DSis, there is something other than your mums batshit crazy attitude.

OhSoStranger · 07/04/2022 19:17

Doesn't sound very close knit to me OP.

I think its unkind behaviour.

SleeplessInEngland · 07/04/2022 19:19

Your mum sounds like a horrible person. The way she treats you isn’t normal, you understand this?

IncompleteSenten · 07/04/2022 19:20

What makes you 'close knit'?
Because that's normally used to describe people who love each other, have each others backs, are supportive and encouraging, enjoy spending time together etc etc.

marihen1 · 07/04/2022 19:20

There must be more to it than your mum being jealous of you doing well?
Are you getting married soon, or pregnant? Could they be meeting up to organise your baby shower or hen party or something? Probably not but i don't understand why they would leave you out like that unless theres a reason they need to be secretive from you?

RedskyThisNight · 07/04/2022 19:22

OP - you seem to be using a definition of "close knit" that means no one in your family really talks to each other and your mother is nasty and controlling and pulls all the strings.

YANBU to be upset, but with that family dynamic YABU unreasonable to be surprised. I would suggest rising above it and disassociating yourself.

Thisismynamenow · 07/04/2022 19:24

Sounds like your sister has been told not to invite you and was trying to save you the pain of feeling like you are.
It's very weird that your mom is doing that.
Personally, I'd cause a scene by turning up, however I appreciate that's a pretty response.
I'm sorry your mom has done that!

Goatlady5812 · 07/04/2022 19:26

I’ve lived with this my entire life and thoroughly sympathise. My mum
Plays us both off against each other and generally spends all her time with the one who is doing the most for her and totally excludes the other. It’s exhausting. Are you sure they aren’t planning anything for you? In secret?

SniffMyQuiffyHair · 07/04/2022 19:29

I'm so sorry, that's a horrible thing to do to someone, let alone your own daughter. I'd be carving out my own life with her her the fringes from now on

Hollywolly1 · 07/04/2022 19:29

Maybe they want to meet up to discuss wedding details?,yes it is very hurtful but your sister should've been more up front as well.

Beercrispsandnuts · 07/04/2022 19:30

@Gettingtoofrustrated

I guess because I knew it wouldn’t be up to my sister but to my mum? I guess this is a weird dynamic now I write it out
How old are you both? I think you know that’s very child like?
AngelinaFibres · 07/04/2022 19:31

@Gettingtoofrustrated

I get on really well with my sister’s fiancée. My mum is very controlling and at the moment she has been very jealous because my business has been going well recently. We are a close knit family in that for occasions like this we’d normally all get together but my mum can be very very nasty. But for my sister to not even mention a thing is odd and I feel there is something going on too, but am not sure what other than it’s a way to shut me out perhaps.
You have written the answer to your own question here. Your mum.
RandomMess · 07/04/2022 19:33

Sounds like your Mum may well want to divide and conquer so she isn't the one getting "left out".

Utterly toxic, I live it when my DC get together and are there for one another. That they will hopefully be there for one another forever.

Bignanny30 · 07/04/2022 19:33

F**k them all I wouldn’t want to go out with them anyway.

Lesina · 07/04/2022 19:34

The only person who can stop you going into that pub is the DPS running it. I’d go along :)

maddy68 · 07/04/2022 19:37

There is obviously more to this

Perhaps he has invited someone you don't get on with that you don't know about

Have you tried asking?

NurseBernard · 07/04/2022 19:48

How can you be a ‘close knit family’ when your mother is so unpleasant?

And you can’t raise this issue? You’re too scared to ask a very simple question - why wasn’t I included in this?

I’m really sorry OP, but you’re not a close knit family, and what you’re describing is really odd.

In any other close knit family, the question would be asked, answered and resolved.

Well, in any other close knit family, you wouldn’t have been excluded in the first place, by someone playing power trip games.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 07/04/2022 19:49

I don’t understand why adult dc have to all be there and a parent can’t just have an evening with one dc and their partner. I’d assume they’d planning it to talk about something specific.

Londonderry34 · 07/04/2022 19:56

Batshit. Ask them why?

Dishwashersaurous · 07/04/2022 19:59

This is horrible.

Please be honest with yourself. This is not a close knit family.

This is your mother.

You need to decide whether you will allow her to continue to have an emotional hold on you

Benjispruce4 · 07/04/2022 20:09

How awful for you. So sad that your own mother is so unkind. I was about to suggest they were playing a surprise for you or something. Can you speak to your sister above this?

Benjispruce4 · 07/04/2022 20:10

And I agree that you are not close knit if you describe your mum as nasty and jealous.

Beercrispsandnuts · 07/04/2022 20:23

No it’s not close knit. You call yout own mother controlling nasty and jealous. Neither her, your sister or her partner basically want you there. You need to ask your mothers permission to be able to come and can’t ask your own sister. It is dysfunctional and unpleasant, I’m sorry.

billy1966 · 07/04/2022 20:30

Do you think your anxiousness could be connected to having a very jealous nasty mother who begrudges you doing well?

Do you think you should consider some therapy to help you unpick that?

Do you think stepping away from your mother might be very helpful?

Are you very young?