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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What causes an affair?

51 replies

Narelle45 · 07/04/2022 10:49

What do you think causes this? DH and I are going through a bad patch at the moment and this keeps crossing my mind?

He is very successful, I can imagine the younger, more attractive girls in the office being really flirty with him and obviously with the relationship as it is, what if he is tempted?

What clues did you have that your DH was ha

OP posts:
Maybeitstimeforachange · 07/04/2022 10:53

What causes an affair? Someone who either wants their cake and eat it, or a coward who isn’t happy in a relationship but won’t do the right thing and end it with their partner 1st.

But something tells me that’s not what you’re asking?

Original poster
Narelle45 · 07/04/2022 10:55

Feeling a little vulnerable I think, at home with kids etc, relationship a bit stale. Struggling to get my sex life back together!

OP posts:
DramaLlamaAlwaysLaughs · 07/04/2022 21:40

Because the sex is there, the other person is there, and they don’t give a shit about their husband/wife/partner

DuckDuckNo · 07/04/2022 21:55

@DramaLlamaAlwaysLaughs

Because the sex is there, the other person is there, and they don’t give a shit about their husband/wife/partner
This, pretty much. My ex said "it wasn't that there was anything wrong with us, I just wanted to try someone new".
Possiblynotever · 07/04/2022 21:57

Sometimes we make choices that in the long run produce unexpected effects. I will give you some examples: you give birth to a baby who is chronically ill and you have to give up your job, only to find yourself years later lacking friends, lonely while your successful husband runs the world ( and wants to run you).
Your husband is lovely but with time he is always elsewhere, working and taking more care of other people than you, never making the time.
Sometimes you just want someone to talk to because nobody listens.
Sometimes you are always the problem, always offending someone, always in the middle of disputes.You need to escape.
Sometimes your sex drive goes elsewhere, you work, care for the children, care for the parents and you are dead at night ( this is the most common reason for men).
Sometimes you just have married the wrong man and you are entangled in a big personal mess ( with the additional mental health issues).
There are truly many reasons and being judgmental does not help.

greenmeansNogo · 07/04/2022 22:01

Opportunity.

That little buzz of attraction which when single was great but once you are married you ignore until opportunity gets the better of you. Both men and women can avoid putting themselves in a situation where there is opportunity, but they have to want to.

But this doesn't mean your Dh is actually having an affair. Do you have some evidence ?

Lollypop701 · 07/04/2022 22:21

Two people make a relationship work. So the answer is Because a partner chooses to. Sorry this is the most basic of reasons. @Possiblynotever is not wrong, but if you/partner don’t want to have an affair you won’t, regardless of those reasons.

Those are reasons to leave a relationship/get help and are absolutely valid. But if things aren’t good at home put effort in there to be heard, to make time for have date nights and connect/ help with house stuff so no one’s knackered. If you/they don’t want to make effort it’s because they don’t value the relationship or take it for granted. because it’s bloody hard work and no fun at all short term.

Babar100 · 07/04/2022 22:27

I don’t know really so many reasons people cheat.

Unless your husband has given you reason not to trust him try to hang on in there and do things to boost your self esteem and your relationship.

Hopefully you’ve married a good, supportive man who realises that life does get harder after kids….not all men will use that as an opportunity to run off with the first attractive woman at work who shows an interest. If you think about it, he chose to marry and have kids with you and had presumably invested years into your relationship so it would be a bit daft to throw it all away now for some floozy at work…he probably didn’t become as successful as he is now by taking the easy options in life.

Itsbackagain · 07/04/2022 22:33

Lack of morals, respect for theirselves and their partners. There really is no reason other than that.

CrimePodcast · 07/04/2022 23:16

@Narelle45

What do you think causes this? DH and I are going through a bad patch at the moment and this keeps crossing my mind?

He is very successful, I can imagine the younger, more attractive girls in the office being really flirty with him and obviously with the relationship as it is, what if he is tempted?

What clues did you have that your DH was ha

You do realise you are blaming the ‘girls’ here by saying they are flirty etc? Any affair will be the DHs choice.
AnnaSW1 · 07/04/2022 23:27

Opportunity+desire

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 07/04/2022 23:39

Opportunity and lack of respect for home.
But mostly it's just because they want to.

Fireflygal · 07/04/2022 23:51

Lack of morals, respect for theirselves and their partners. There really is no reason other than that

I would add a need for adoration. Unable to live outside the honeymoon phase, especially when children arrive. They often have a belief they are special so deserve the attention/novelty. Partners are often disposable - having served a purpose.

LadyMaid · 08/04/2022 00:45

The asshole gene.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 08/04/2022 00:58

Weakness mainly

thenewduchessoflapland · 08/04/2022 01:40

Because someone wants to.

The opportunity for anyone to cheat is always an option;it doesn't mean someone has to take it.

There will be many couples out there with a huge range of issues;it doesn't mean one will cheat.

It's those that do that set a stereo type unfortunately.

Guavaf1sh · 08/04/2022 01:42

A lack of sex and intimacy almost always

blueshoes · 08/04/2022 02:01

@Guavaf1sh

A lack of sex and intimacy almost always
Nonsense. Spoken like an adulterer.
MyCatIsAJerk · 08/04/2022 02:13

Cheaters. Cheaters cause affairs.

1forAll74 · 08/04/2022 02:17

All sorts of reasons why people have affairs, or a little fling, or even a one night stand.. No sex with partner, or pretty awful sex with a partner

DeeCeeCherry · 08/04/2022 02:23

What causes an affair?

2 people who want to shag each other. Doesn't matter what the lead up to it is, the end result is the same isn't it?

I mean you either actively say No, or actively say Yes. That's it.

1forAll74 · 08/04/2022 02:32

Sent last post too soon, !! other reasons, critical and regular complaining all the time by partner, so needs a break from all that. Just has a strong urge to take up with someone they meet, because of some animal magnetism between them, so take things further.. The usual drunken meet ups between people, on nights out. Secret affairs that may last, or don't last.

IamTheEvilPea · 08/04/2022 02:49

People who lie instead of being honest and working on their relationships and then leaving if the problems can't be fixed.

Possiblynotever · 08/04/2022 04:03

I think that the desire to escape certain situations belongs to both men and women. It is a question of will power. You are mentioning younger girls around your husband: either you do not feel good about yourself or your husband is one of those attracted by the" latest model".
A good sex relationship helps dissipating a lot of the worries.

Dimondsareforever · 08/04/2022 05:39

To mentally escape a bad situation at home. Live in a fantasy world. Dosnt always mean they think of leaving you. But when they with someone else, they are a different person living in a different world. No one shouting at them, someone being nice etc… They don’t always put the 2 together.

Is DH under stress? Does he need to escape? I suggest work on your relationship and talk to him about how you feel about you both not getting on and try to do something about it. Make a plan. I.e we promise not to shout this weekend. Talk to each other respectfully etc …

Of course there is no excuse. Stress or otherwise. But these are factors. And if you want your marriage to work, sometime you need to fight for it to try and avoid the alternative.