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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What causes an affair?

51 replies

Narelle45 · 07/04/2022 10:49

What do you think causes this? DH and I are going through a bad patch at the moment and this keeps crossing my mind?

He is very successful, I can imagine the younger, more attractive girls in the office being really flirty with him and obviously with the relationship as it is, what if he is tempted?

What clues did you have that your DH was ha

OP posts:

iieva94 · 08/04/2022 08:52

It is the unawareness of human animal like instincts. Let me explain. Every relationship goes through ups and downs. If a person is unaware of how easy it is to start an affair and does not make a conscious decision to not get involved with anyone else despite the state of their relationship, then things can turn into an affair relatively quickly (if there is an opportunity). Because when we are unhappy in our own relationship then someone new who pays attention to us, who is lovely and pleasant, makes ir really tempting. Both of you need to make a conscious decision not to cheat and be aware how easy it is to feel attracted to someone else. This does not mean you need to feel guilty about the state if your relationship though. It is normal.

OneTC · 08/04/2022 09:04

Because one of you is a cheating fuck basically

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 08/04/2022 09:05

The answer to the first question is 'how long is a piece of string?'

People who have affairs seem to have similar traits - be conflict avoidant, entitlement issues, poor coping skills and lack of emotional intelligence.

Chumplady gives some insights here ;

www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/

IcedPurple · 08/04/2022 09:05

He is very successful, I can imagine the younger, more attractive girls in the office being really flirty with him and obviously with the relationship as it is, what if he is tempted?

Is your husband very attractive in addition to being 'successful'?

I ask because maybe the young women are being polite and friendly rather than 'flirty'?

I think it's a bit presumptuous to suspect that hot young women will be all over your husband because he's 'successful' in the office.

incognitoforthisone · 08/04/2022 11:09

He is very successful, I can imagine the younger, more attractive girls in the office being really flirty with him

Just because you married him, that doesn't mean other women will think he's anything special.

Giggorata · 08/04/2022 11:18

Entitlement, compartmentalisation, opportunity, disloyalty, selfishness.

whoatealltheeggs · 08/04/2022 11:20

ego

whoatealltheeggs · 08/04/2022 11:22

I think it's a bit presumptuous to suspect that hot young women will be all over your husband because he's 'successful' in the office.

I hate to say it but a friend used to date a footballer. It was mindbowing seeing how some women would act when we standing there. She broke up with him quite quickly as she couldn't handle it although he was really nice & seemed very into her.

Soffit · 08/04/2022 11:24

Human beings are not designed to be monogamous and attracted to the same person for the whole of their life. Any rational motivation for monogamy will never be found in romance, religion or loyalty because they are merely programs (which is why we see so many glitches in so many systems). You can only find the benefit of monogamy through working on yourself and understanding how energy works. Most people never even start on that journey, let alone complete it. It's not easy to access but it's out there.

Menora · 08/04/2022 11:24

I think it’s various things, boredom or flattery of ego is just one of them

A lot of people are in unhappy relationships but don’t address it and end up straying and feel shit about it but not shit enough to stop iyswim

beautifullymad · 08/04/2022 11:27

Lots of things.

But the main big one is lack of deep meaningful connection. Everyone in life needs this, but this is particularly important in a marriage.

Ski4130 · 08/04/2022 11:27

Opportunity, skewed morals and a lack of thought for other people are causes of an affair.

greenmeansNogo · 08/04/2022 14:29

Maybe successful means very very well paid, and unfortunately money and power make men more desirable.

Bookworm20 · 08/04/2022 14:59

@Guavaf1sh

A lack of sex and intimacy almost always

Thats the reason by given by the cheater.

The real reason is lack of morals, values and respect for their partner. Along with opportunity and weakness.

A decent person who does have morals, values and respect, even with lack of sex with their partner and amples of opportunity won't cheat.

Mangogogogo · 08/04/2022 15:39

People saying ‘spoken like a cheater’ I mean, the OP wants to know why people have affairs.. surely the best people to answer that are those who have had affairs?

Guavaf1sh · 08/04/2022 17:20

That’s the overwhelming answer given in countless threads on mumsnet and I think it is the truth. The truly fascinating thing is how many people deny this patently self evident and obvious truth

CrimePodcast · 08/04/2022 18:09

I knew a man who has had over 20 affairs during his 20+ year marriage. He claimed he had only married his wife as her family had moved away from the area, so felt less obligation to be faithful as he wasn’t all in. I think they main reasons he cheated were first and foremost ego (he thought literally every woman was flirting with him), plus habit and created opportunity. I also don’t think he will ever stop.

balalake · 08/04/2022 18:13

@CrimePodcast so you know Boris Johnson then?

GeneLovesJezebel · 08/04/2022 18:13

I think they’re the sort of person who will or won’t.
Can you spend a bit of time on yourself to make yourself feel more confident ? Go for a walk/swim/gym. Buy yourself a new outfit. Get a new face cleansing routine. Have your eyebrows done.
Anything to make you feel more confident.
And how often do you get a date night ?
Do you work ? Working makes me feel a bit independent, and gives us something to talk about other than kids.

IcedPurple · 08/04/2022 20:41

@whoatealltheeggs

I think it's a bit presumptuous to suspect that hot young women will be all over your husband because he's 'successful' in the office.

Footballers are, almost by definition, young and fit even if not necessarily handsome. These days, even less well known footballers tend to be very wealthy.

Not quite the same thing as 40 year old Alan Smith who works in Accounts and has a wife back in the suburbs.

Besttobe8001 · 08/04/2022 20:47

I had an affair when I was married, towards the end of my marriage.

My husband had stopped noticing when I walked through the door, a peck on the cheek rather than a snog, he was quick to dismiss my ideas and sulk at me. He didn't want to have sex with me and rarely cuddled or kissed me.

I should have left but I was scared of being on my own, having met him when I was 17. He found out about the affair and we split. It was awful. He didn't deserve to be cheated on, I should have left him if I was unhappy but I was scared and cowardly.

Happy to answer any questions.

EisforEmergency · 08/04/2022 20:53

But the main big one is lack of deep meaningful connection. Everyone in life needs this, but this is particularly important in a marriage

But it’s not this. As many pp have said it’s a lack of morals. If there is a lack of connection, do the decent thing and leave your partner THEN look for someone else, don’t cheat on them.
DH and I have had the hardest of marriages (happy to say we are in a great place now), but he is such a stickler for ‘doing the right think’ that I’ve always been as sure as I can be that he wouldn’t cheat. We’ve almost separated more than once, but there has never been a 3rd party. We are both just the type of person who can’t lie.

feellikeanalien · 08/04/2022 21:00

Being a self-centred arsehole who feels emasculated when their wife/partner has a more successful career than them.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 08/04/2022 21:02

Relax OP,
When I got divorced my circle of female friends changed to divorced ones.
We had many an amusing night at the pub talking about how our married friends had distanced us because they were scared that now we were available, we would go after their menfolk.
The guys in question were so unappealing that we couldn't have fancied them in a month of Sundays, not even after 4 G&Ts.

Pleasebeafleabite · 08/04/2022 21:04

A decent person who does have morals, values and respect, even with lack of sex with their partner and amples of opportunity won't cheat

Bless you dear

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