To ask if anyone is friends / related to someone who has committed domestic violence?

[Oogabooga123]

I have always wondered how the friends / family of these people feel about it?

EXDP was massively controlling, and abusive in most ways, mostly emotionally and a few times physically. His mum knows, his siblings know, at least some of his friends know.

They all seem to carry on as usual, it just seems so strange, I feel like if it was my brother I wouldn’t want anything to do with him.

Just musing out loud really, he was spotted out locally having dinner with his family and new girlfriend, poor girl… how can they not tell her?

Is this just his or is there families everywhere that are apparently ok with this.

My mil pretended her ds wasn't abusive. Her solution to not commenting on our repeatedly smashed up flat was not to visit.
When exh tried to punch her (age 65 +) on her own doorstep they couldn't deny it any more..

My ex DH was verbally abusive to me. He never hit me but did throw a pair of jeans so hard at the back of my head that the metal button caused a gash on my head. Also stamped on my phone. Also threw all my make up into the front garden because he didn't agree with something I'd said. Punched a hole on the light switch on the wall. Verbally screamed and swore at me calling me every name under the sun.
Of course MIL chose to ignore it all, including his friends and some of my friends too.
My family didn't want to fuel the fire (their words) so were too scared to say anything to him or help me to leave.
I even knocked on my neighbours door as I was so scared with a 10 month old baby in my arms, he didn't let me in so I left and ran up the road. When I saw said neighbour a week or two later he told me "had he have hit you I'd have definitely let you in here"
Honestly. People weren't understanding at all.

My exh was very abusive to me, he had so little control over himself that he assaulted me on my parents driveway once - my Mother to her horror saw him through the window. He was never welcome in my parents home from that day on. Most people just look the other way or deny it. His Mother had removed him from our home on a number of occasions, as had his Father. They still refused to acknowledge what was happening. Pretended they didn't see the broken stair bannisters or the hole punched in the door..

I’ve wondered that myself op

My ex’s family have minimised his behaviour /blamed me and just can’t accept that the person they know could do that
He’s been to prison but apparently I’m so ‘full of hate’ that I ‘got him put away’ - never knew I was that powerful

My own family have either distanced themselves because they ‘didn’t want to get involved ‘ or they are still friendly towards him
I don’t get it either

My uncle was abusive to his wife. My parent disowned their sibling as did one of the other siblings. The others just carried on. (Big family) My uncles children also disowned him as adults.

Usually the mothers of these men have their own issues. People might not like me saying this but I have never known an abusive man who had a good relationship with their mother. In fact, it’s the first thing I’d be on the lookout for were I to date again.

I’ve had 2 relationships with abusive men. With the first his mum was an alcoholic whose husband had left her (I don’t know if she drank before or as a result of that) and she apparently took a lot of her frustrations out on my ex when he was a kid (his sister told me). His sister was disappointed in him but felt it was out of her control, which I guess it was.

The second had just a really f.ed up relationship with his mum. One minute she’d be screaming at him. The next he was the greatest guy in the world! I genuinely think she had some kind of serious MH issue.

If a man has no respect for his mother then he’s going to find it difficult to respect any woman. Not saying it can’t be done. Some men can rise above it all and be decent human beings. Others can’t though.

They just pretend it isn’t happening/happened and then blame the victim, has happened in so many situations I don’t get it at all.

If it was a family member of mine I would have nothing to do with them, if my brother or own child.

My brother was. The first time I didn’t hear about it until after the event, but the second time (different woman) she called me and I told her repeatedly to call the police, which she did.

I’m not ok with it, I never have been. But… he’s still my brother. I love him, I worry about him, I hope he’s well wherever he is. That I don’t think will ever change, regardless of what he does unfortunately and I can’t explain why.

My cousin was abusive to the mother of his children. I have nothing to do with him, he's always been a nasty piece of work. I feel so sorry for his kids 😢

My mum

My brother manipulated and gaslit his ex for years, I called him out on it constantly and actively encouraged her to leave, she deserves so much better and I was so proud when she did. The only reason I’m even still in minimal contact is due to his mental health I fear he’d kill himself. Due to my own flaws if I know somethings a massive possibility and I do nothing to try prevent it I’ll blame myself even if I’m blameless.

They probably don’t think about it because it’s a private matter and no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

When our children were young (20ish years ago) I was friends with a woman in an abusive relationship. Her husband caused her physical injury (once requiring hospital admission) on at least two occasions in the the 3 or 4 years I was friends with her. She eventually left him (hooray) but maintains a relationship with him to this day and his kids are allowed to see him. Do not understand.

Sorry - to elaborate just a little. I find it extremely difficult and painful to think about. My dad was hurt a few times (children much less). Related to serious MH problems.

YANBU I've always wondered this too. My dad was abusive towards my mum and us too. I completely cut him out once I was an adult. I can't wrap my head around people who forgive/ignore this behavior. I assume in the case of parents ignoring it is because the abuser usually comes from a fucked up family to begin with? So it's either happened to them and they think its "normal" or they're somewhat to blame.

Glad you escaped

It's difficult. If you launch into them, there's a chance that the victim will stay with them and have lost another potential source of help when they're ready to leave. Some might not ever leave, anyhow. And if you cut them off or get turned into the bad guy interfering, the victim loses an ally.

That's why abusers are always having arguments and problems with other people - they've identified a potential threat that must be eliminated.

Honestly the worst is that he honestly made me feel like my own family was shit and his cared about me more. So when he actually was physically violent I left the house with just my phone and car keys and phoned his mum, instead of my own. Who the next morning told me I should go and sort things out with him.

By the time I worked up the courage to tell my own family who convinced me to report it to the police the bruises had faded and his mum swore blind to the police she had no idea what I was talking about. .. this woman was at the birth of 2 /3 of my children.

Like I want to know how she sleeps at night knowing she did that to me and to her grandchildren who she professes to love more than life.

I'm pretty sure my cousin has been, he's a nice guy when sober but he has a serious drink problem and issues with violence when drunk (to others, eg street fights).
If I knew it was happening in a relationship I wouldn't defend him at all.
In terms of staying around - he's messed up from an abusive childhood. I have firm boundaries with him about what I can and can't do for him. If I didn't support him he'd try and get support from other family members who want to keep their distance (eg young kids) so it's better that i stick around for him.
He's been single for a while. I'm pretty sure if the whole family cut him off he'd be more likely to find another partner so he'd have company and someone to cook him a meal every now and then.

My stepdad was violent, after he died I found out his sister never actually wanted to stick by him but was scared of him because of how he'd treated her as kids and that's why she never challenged him.

I was friends with one.

When his wife told me, I wasn't.

I'm so sorry OP.

Thank be of my closest friends is married to a man who has been v violent or attempted strangulation, pushing downstairs.
They are still together and I still talk to them both.
So many people have abandoned her and I just feel she needs someone who will be there no matter what. But deep down I fear he will kill her and the children one day.

My ex was violent to me, he was an angry drunk. I had bruises (including on my face), he smashed my phone, I had to go to a women's refuge, etc etc.

His sister told me that I was the abusive one, that I was a fantasist, and that people like me 'are the reason real victims of abuse aren't believed.' In the face of evidence to the contrary, she said her brother didn't have any problems with anger or alcohol.

Now, I can kind of understand still loving someone when they've done something wrong, but what I don't understand is this kind of victim-blaming, enabling BS. It seems pretty standard though, from what I gather.

@sweetbellyhigh

Thank be of my closest friends is married to a man who has been v violent or attempted strangulation, pushing downstairs. They are still together and I still talk to them both. So many people have abandoned her and I just feel she needs someone who will be there no matter what. But deep down I fear he will kill her and the children one day.

And yes, I've pretended to tolerate them while my friend was with them.

Making sure she knew there was always a sofa at mine, day or night.

@Oogabooga123

Honestly the worst is that he honestly made me feel like my own family was shit and his cared about me more. So when he actually was physically violent I left the house with just my phone and car keys and phoned his mum, instead of my own. Who the next morning told me I should go and sort things out with him.

By the time I worked up the courage to tell my own family who convinced me to report it to the police the bruises had faded and his mum swore blind to the police she had no idea what I was talking about. .. this woman was at the birth of 2 /3 of my children.

Like I want to know how she sleeps at night knowing she did that to me and to her grandchildren who she professes to love more than life.

They raised him, they know what he's like. And they probably taught him violence. They are not suddenly going to turn into people who advocate for victims.

I was very good friends with a couple who met each other through me.

I knew their relationship was volatile, and that she was a heavy drinker, but I saw a fresh scar on his head when they came to stay for the weekend. She'd hit him with a bread board, cut the artery in his temple, and he'd had to have stitches. I was gobsmacked that she could be violent like that, I'd only ever known her to get mouthy and stroppy. And she laughed as she told me what she'd done.

I was beyond horrified.

Over the next couple of years, we stayed friends but I tried to arrange things that didn't involve vast amounts of alcohol. They split up when their son was 16, her partner had been afraid to leave her with his son while the son was still young and his son would never have left his mum.

After they split, I stayed friends with them both for a while, and saw them separately, but bit by bit, it all came out. He had scars where she'd attacked him with a broken glass and on his shin where she'd kicked him so hard he had a 4" gash on his leg. She'd been emotionally and financially abusive as well.

I cut all ties with her after that. And I was ashamed of myself for not picking up on what was going on.

Trigger warning

Sexually abused by brother a number of times as a young child as was my sister for decades apparently.

Father told me he was never mentioning it to my brother again and he was continuing his relationship with him and I had to just accept that. Mother went along with that, sister, also abused, goes along with that shite as do other brothers and extended family members. They are all emotionally and psychologically abusive as far as I’m concerned.

FIL abused MIL emotionally and physically. Swept under the rug for years until the shit eventually hit the fan with his kids who no longer speak to him, long story. MIL has stayed all these years.