To ask if anyone is friends / related to someone who has committed domestic violence?

[Oogabooga123]

I have always wondered how the friends / family of these people feel about it?

EXDP was massively controlling, and abusive in most ways, mostly emotionally and a few times physically. His mum knows, his siblings know, at least some of his friends know.

They all seem to carry on as usual, it just seems so strange, I feel like if it was my brother I wouldn’t want anything to do with him.

Just musing out loud really, he was spotted out locally having dinner with his family and new girlfriend, poor girl… how can they not tell her?

Is this just his or is there families everywhere that are apparently ok with this.

My ex's family are the same. They minimise his behaviour, because to acknowledge it means they have to acknowledge that they raised him in a household full of violence, screaming and shouting: and left him as a child in situations that were far beyond his capacity to emotionally process them.

Consequently he treated the women in his life in the same way; emotionally abusing and controlling them, resorting to physical violence when frequently drunk or on drugs, and threatening suicide when it suited him.

When I finally kicked him out one of his family members told me we'd "both been as bad as each other". Err, I think not.

I think sometimes they don’t want to admit it tbh.
At work I work with offenders. A lot have been charged with assault on their partners and as shite as it is, I can’t just not do my job and working with them I do end up liking some of them. Not minimising what they’ve done but I’m trying to support them with not doing it again. Maybe I’m just kidding myself but I can see why people who love these people wouldn’t just walk away from them.
When the victim’s family are still on their side is something else though, very difficult to deal with

My Uncle and his son, my cousin.
Only one out of three of my uncles children talk to him, as he is a nasty bitter man. My cousins wife life with the children, he has gone all fathers for justice, we all know the truth about why his DC won’t see him.

my ex's family have cognitive dissonance, makes it easier for them to just bury their heads in the sand and carry on pretending nothing happened.

his mother blamed me.
his older bother said its nothing to do with him and he's staying out of it.
his younger brother said the same, but his girlfriend was lovely and very supportive of me.

I am sure thats how it goes, bury their heads in the sand and carry on as if nothing happened, no skin of their nose, they dont know the full story, takes 2 to tango etc.

@DamnShesaSexyChick

They probably don’t think about it because it’s a private matter and no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

This makes me very uncomfortable. Abuse of any sort is not a 'private matter'.

And the words "really knows" implies some sort of double edged sword. So I'm not really sure what point you're trying to make on this particular thread?

In my case my ex MIL blames herself so is happy to listen to her DS's lies. She was in abusive relationships herself and my ex was abused by these men. When he attacked his sister (they were adults, this was a celebration with alcohol involved) she literally looked the other way, afterwards she said she didn't see anything. Half his family disowned him, the other half support him. It caused a massive rift.

I'm not sure that this is relevant but it feels cathartic to talk about. My EX Husband wasn't physically abusive but he was emotionally and financially. I got on very well with his family until I decided enough was enough which resulted in physical threats to my elderly parents and myself. I also lost a lot of mutual friends due to his behaviour during our marriage but from what I have heard they are all friends again now, and I am the one cast out. It hurts but at the same time, I ask myself if I want people like that in my life

I believe my cousin was violent to a girlfriend, I trust the source who told me anyway. I've cut him out of my life completely, however did speak to him at my mother's funeral because that was easier for me than ignoring him.

I stopped my father from strangling my mother when I was 16.

@DressingPafe

Usually the mothers of these men have their own issues. People might not like me saying this but I have never known an abusive man who had a good relationship with their mother. In fact, it’s the first thing I’d be on the lookout for were I to date again.

I’ve had 2 relationships with abusive men. With the first his mum was an alcoholic whose husband had left her (I don’t know if she drank before or as a result of that) and she apparently took a lot of her frustrations out on my ex when he was a kid (his sister told me). His sister was disappointed in him but felt it was out of her control, which I guess it was.

The second had just a really f.ed up relationship with his mum. One minute she’d be screaming at him. The next he was the greatest guy in the world! I genuinely think she had some kind of serious MH issue.

If a man has no respect for his mother then he’s going to find it difficult to respect any woman. Not saying it can’t be done. Some men can rise above it all and be decent human beings. Others can’t though.

That is a very rude generalisation based on all of 2 men. Very offensive - blame the mother!!

I was friends with a man when I was younger who ended up in a relationship with one of my closest friends, they met through me. They rented a house together and had kids. After they separated, he was physically violent to the children when he had them one weekend, the police were involved. I'd distanced myself from him when they split up (closer friend to her than him) but would still see him occasionally in bigger groups. After that incident, I completely cut all ties with him, have seen him at work a few times and have had to be polite and say hello when he's said it first, but when I've seen him in the street, I've completely ignored him.

I was disgusted by it. By that point, I'd probably known him about 15 years and he was definitely the quietest in the group. He would not have been someone I'd have thought would be abusive so I was very surprised. I assume his family know about the incident as he was only allowed supervised contact with the children afterwards and it was done at his parent's house (which is where I think he was living).

Yes OP, I know of a couple of families who witnessed a family member being abusive, physically, financially and mentally, and yet nobody addressed it.

My dad is an abusive arsehole and as a result very few people speak to him, myself included.
If my husband was abusive (he isn't) I know his mum would have his back 100%. It would be denial that he would do that, then excuses if it was undeniable. Same with my brother, my mum would back him up, even though she has been a victim.

My exh was more emotionally abusive than physical but he did start threatening violence ( my cue to leave) One particularly bad day I was holed up in the bedroom, he was downstairs doing as much as he could to distress me ( flicking electricity off and on, lighting multiple cigarettes to stink the place out, playing loud music) I phoned his parents to ask his dad to call him, thought that might kick him out of it. FIL told me he was sure I could look after myself, he wasn’t interested in my problems and their only concern was seeing their grandchildren ( step children) We were told a day to visit them ( usually without kids) and as long as he was sober when he arrived and left (3 hour visit ) they were happy. The fact that he had booze in the car, was knocking it back before we left their road and was screaming abuse at me ( driving) within the hour was no concern of theirs. Out of sight, out of mind.

My ex partner was violent & controlling towards me. I had been with him since I was 16. My whole family (&his) knew about it. Some years after I finally left(when I was 27) I found out that my brother was still meeting up with him & his new girlfriend. I found it so distressing. I am happily married (30 years) now but I still find it upsetting. When I challenged my brother he said 'well he does a manual job so that's how he expresses himself '. He said that I was too weak. My whole family knew they would meet up for dinner etc.

I despair OP, I really do.
I've had two close friends go through abusive relationships. Both have had to estrange themselves from people they thought were good friends and/or family because at "best" they acted like nothing had happened and worst, were incredibly insistent it wasn't that bad and should forgive and forget etc.../it was her fault/she must have provoked him etc, etc.
I have another friend whose family member was convicted of serious SA and grooming of a minor. When he was released their family assisted him to change his name, funded setting him up in another part of the world and get work. They will not entertain any talk about his conviction/past. Their family have frozen out members who have dared to (rightfully) express their opinion/outrage about it. Their parents even refused to go to their wedding because they would not invite the offender.

I don't get the mindset of people like this.

I have a relative (not a close relative) and I know he has been very violent to ex partners. Although there is no excuse for violence the ex partner (victim) had drug and alcohol dependency, they both cheated on each other and she eventually even left their child to be brought up by him and his new girlfriend 🤷‍♀️

They stayed on friendly terms even though he'd beaten her up in the past. They're both very damaged and dysfunctional.it's almost as though she accepted it as their normal so everyone else did.

Anyway he's not someone I'd want to have anything to do with myself but his past doesn't seem to have stopped him from having lots of friends, close family relationships and friends.

I had a violent boyfriend many years ago and his family knew but didn't care. They were a strange and dysfunctional bunch too.

My brother was abusive to my sil. I didn’t support him at all/I encouraged her to go to police, supported her in leaving and am now no contact with him but am still very much a part of my sil and niece’s and nephews lives. I loathe his behaviour.

I think a lot of people speak as though they're against DV but when it's their own family member or friend they either won't accept the truth, they blame the woman or they say that their situation is different because x, y, z

Like he's not a proper abuser but more of a lovable misunderstood rogue.

My ex used to control everything in my life-from what I ate to who I spoke to
He even controlled the amount of sanpro I was allowed to use when I was on my period
He battered me 87 times in two years
His mum,to this day,believes I had him arrested ‘for fun’ and once told me ‘to put up and shut up-he’s just copying his dad’
He got arrested once for breaking my cheek and collar bones-I’ll always be grateful to that policeman-she rang me to demand I pay his £80 fine as ‘he’s on the dole!he can’t afford to pay it!’

My own mother has the same attitude-‘what did you do to set him off again?’ was a favourite and she once stood there while he battered the hell out of me and did nothing but laugh and point

I’m nc with the pair of them

I haven't RTFT but I believe EXs family genuinely believe his lies and bullpoo. I don't know if that's because it makes it easier for me to live with or if it's the truth. It must be hard to believe someone who you only see the good side of is so awful. And when I think of everything I put up with and forgave I can see how others would buy into it. I'm more hurt by the mutual friends who still give him the time of day. That makes me so angry and upset.

My dad was an abusive alcoholic. Mainly to my mum. And occasionally us. I hated him growing up. I did forgive him when I got older. He had a terrible terrible childhood and despite being abusive when drunk he really did do a lot to support us and give us the life chances he didn't get. People are complicated.

ExMIL told him he needed to sort me out properly. She told him I was emotionally abusive for trying to leave the violent relationship and if he did it properly I wouldn't go anywhere.
She physically and emotionally abused ExH and his siblings from a very early age.

My ex mil once told me that I should cook exh more meals (he worked shifts snd preferred vodka on his return… even at 6am) and then he wouldn’t be a raging alcoholic violent narcissist 🤷🏼‍♀️
I got the last laugh in some ways, he lives in their spare room and they’ve lost their retirement years trying to cope with him… karma. Needless to say, she now ‘gets it’ and rings to have a chat because she’s struggling to cope.

My exh was and still is abusive.

His family shunned me when I decided to divorce him. To this day my exh doesn't think he did anything wrong, nor does his family.

I never got to speak to them about what was happening.

On the odd occasion I have seen them in the street they look the other way but will acknowledge the dc's if they are with me and stop to chat to them. Leaving me standing there as if I am invisible.