I'd rather have no money than feel like this ...

[Sofiegiraffe]

I've been awake since 4.30am having horrible anxiety attacks. I am back at work FT after a period of mat leave and I am dreading it. Being away from my baby all day every day feels intolerable. I earn good money in my job so I've had to go back, especially with the cost of living as it is. But I honestly can't cope with this. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed just sobbing my heart out. I want so badly to be near my baby. It's only Wednesday. How am I going to keep going like this?

I understand how you feel. I went back full-time when my baby was 5 months old. But you do get used to it. And your baby will still love you just as much.

Would PT be a possibility ?

I felt similar and did drop part time. Surprisingly I didn’t loose that much money due to tax and saving petrol.

Is there any way you can condense your hours or drop some?
Do you have some things at home you can sacrifice to make up the pay shortfall (cleaner, expensive car, anything?)

It’s so hard, I remember it so well, I dropped DD at nursery and sobbed all the way to work on the first couple of days back and I’d count down the minutes until I could collect her

I know it doesn’t help much right now, but for me, it did get easier, it took weeks rather than days and was a gradual thing, but once we got into a routine, we all adapted

Big hugs OP. I’ve got this to look forward to 😞
You’ll keep going because it’s what you have to do to provide for your baby.

Give it a chance and don’t make any rash decisions based on how you feel in the first few days. It takes a while to settle back into the routine.
Then, part time possibility?

Do you suffer from anxiety usually? It's a very extreme reaction. Do you enjoy your job generally? Realistically can you afford to stop working, what does your partner think?

Honestly, it gets better.

Can you reduce your hours or look for a job that reduced hours?

As someone who was a single parent and did have no money at one phase in my life, I know it feels like it would be fine. But it's really not. Its awful.
Obviously depends on what you mean by 'no money'.

I was in that position too. It feels awful! I went back to a horrific job as well, but the separation got a bit easier with time. I also went four days a week after a while, which helped. Life does sort of suck though, seems like all choices are bad ones.

There are most definitely pros and cons to both - SAH or WFT - perhaps write a list? Is there any chance you could go PT or find a new job that would accept PT hours?

Oh Sophie giraffe that's so tough.

I remember the first days back at work we're pretty awful. I remember crying to my mum that I was going to quit my job - but I didn't, and I'm really glad of it now It does get better.

How old is your baby? And what hours are you doing? If part time is a possibility I would definitely recommend it. 3 days has worked for me for 6 years

I know exactly how you feel. It was awful leaving my son. I was only part time and it did get easier. Sending you hugs 🤗.

My sleep was terrible when I went back to work. The first few months I was awake from 3am most nights. It did get better!

If you can, drop down to 3/4 days. Is this an option?

I know a few people who reduced hours to 90% ie alternate Fridays off

Employers happy to pay less but get almost full time productivity

Employees happy to have more time off work with a modest loss of income

Might that be an option for you?

I felt like this - I absolutely couldn’t go back full time. Like you I’d rather have no money. I started back 2 short days per week when she was 15months old. I’m now doing 3 days a week and she is 3 years old.
Agree with other posters, it does get easier as they get older.

Ah OP it's really hard to adapt to isn't it, its horrible when circumstance dictates whether you have to return to work or can stay home with them. Is there any scope to apply to part time? If you find the sweet spot tax wise you aren't always worse off by much. I felt the same when I went back but soon settled into a routine, and as cliche as it sounds time with DS became so precious. He started school last September and I am glad I kept in work as it affords us more stability now and he isn't home anyway. Do you have a partner you can speak about this with?

I agree with the cost of stuff rising be mindful that a loss of earnings won't be without stress. Growing up in a poor household that often went without I'll be honest my priority has been to provide a warm home with food in the cupboards and the chance to pursue stuff he enjoys- some will think that's warped priorities which is fine.

It won’t be as bad as you think. You’ll get pleasure just from being in the office and having a cup of tea without baby crying!

It’s very hard at first. Then you get used to the feeling, but it wasn’t until they were settled with childcare and I got used to being back at work did it settle down.
But every now and then that feeling did return!
Now, DH and I share it more between us and I find it easier plus I don’t have to be in the office every day as before.

My tip for new working mothers is to just survive the first few months.

Are you in a position to change your hours or think about a change of job in the medium term? I totally understand where you’re coming from, I had to go back to an incredibly stressful job when my baby was small and looking back I wish I hadn’t now, it really impacted me. But at the time it felt like there was no alternative.

I don’t think you should make any hasty decisions especially given the cost of living pressures, but if you can think about switching something work wise to allow you more time with your baby then maybe it’s a good idea to look into it.

Things that can help with this kind of separation anxiety, is having some photos/videos of your baby with you, and/or even one of their items, like a small blanket that vaguely smells like them. Use as needed throughout the day, e.g. during breaks.

I'm not joking. Your brain is probably reacting instinctively to being away from your child (your baby is not in any actual danger in their daycare setting, I'm sure?), sensory inputs can help rebalance these feelings.

Ideally, you may even want to see real-time videos of your child when you're at work. Some (but very few...) nurseries offer this. Some childminders/nannies may be happy to organise a Zoom call or What's App a few pictures through the day.

Modern life is very unnatural and clashes with our instincts. But technology might help.

But also, do give you baby lots of hugs and kisses when you're together. That's always the most soothing option.
... I feel very jealous of people who have access to some form of workplace daycare, and can pop to see their baby at lunch break.

I'm not sure if this is the right thing to say, but, when I left eventually decided to leave work to be a sahm, I was blown away by how little the difference was in disposable income. I was on £40k pa. Take childcare off and it worked out to be about £12kpa.

Anyway, what I hadn't factored in was the amount I would save by not working. Travel, coffees out, lunch out, work clothes...but then also things like...I had more time to drive to an Aldi for my shop rather than my local Waitrose, I had time to organise a present box (buying things cheap) rather than last minute dash, I became a 'model' to have my hair done, my beauty appointments at a local college because I was available in the day time. I walked everywhere because I had time. All free. The list went on. (This was all be school age). Anyway, for me, it will differ for everyone, the 'cost' of working is about £1k per month.

Hang in there for at least a few months - especially if you are thinking of a second. You can tough it out for a few months and then get maternity pay at full time rates for your second, postponing any decisions about PT until later.

And I hated going back at 6 months even though my DH took shared leave. Now my kids are both at primary school and we are very financially comfortable I am supremely glad I stuck it out.

I still haven’t recovered from the crappy sleep, mind, but I found it far easier to manage at work than stuck at home with two small children.

Are you comfortable with the childcare your baby has? That was a big thing for me, once I knew they were safe and happy I was ok.

In the current financial climate no way would I be cutting hours though op. Plus it’s week one, you settle back in.

It definitely does get easier and more to the point the kiddies enjoy it more as they get older, more stimulating for them as well than being at home with mum.

Are you thinking about having baby number two if so I can you forward a bit