I'd rather have no money than feel like this ...

[Sofiegiraffe]

I've been awake since 4.30am having horrible anxiety attacks. I am back at work FT after a period of mat leave and I am dreading it. Being away from my baby all day every day feels intolerable. I earn good money in my job so I've had to go back, especially with the cost of living as it is. But I honestly can't cope with this. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed just sobbing my heart out. I want so badly to be near my baby. It's only Wednesday. How am I going to keep going like this?

It sounds to me like you are putting insane pressure on yourself having internalised a lot of nonsense about how you’re only a good mother if you’re 100% about your kids. It’s not true. It’s not about oh my god someone spent 3 more hours today with my child than I did. Remember too that while you may be ok with less money now, you may look back in 10,20, 40 years time with a very different perspective.
No hasty decisions when you’re overwrought is my view.

OP PLEASE PLEASE consider part time rather than quitting

Being financially dependent on a man is madness and getting back into the workforce is hard

This was me and I ended up being a SAHM for 5 years but we were in the fortunate position of being able to afford that. And it wasnt about the quality of the childcare as that was done by my mum and husband, I just had this utterly visceral need to be with him (and later his brother). It wasn't how I thought I'd react (I knew I'd live my kids but was going to be a career woman).

love my kids

You are still mummy if your lovely baby is with the childminder. You are always always mummy.

Do they have an Employee Assistance Programme at work? Sounds like you could benefit from talking to someone. This is quite a lot of anxiety to feel about who sees the first steps I would say.

@Waxonwaxoff0

My DS is nearly 9 and I don't remember any of his firsts even though I was a SAHP. Don't remember what his first word was, don't remember his first steps, don't remember his first tooth. I really don't understand the angst over it.

Agreed.

You can still do your insta post when you see it if that is your thing...because no one else will know if he actually did first step with granny dad or the cat.

Think long term
Your dc will be fine .

I went back full time when the babies were about 2 weeks (yes weeks not months) and I expressed milk at work which was hard but roll on now to when they are older and they DO appreciate that you can buy teenagers nice trainers or whatever else it might be rather than you changed 10 of my nappies a day rather than 1 when I was a baby.

Just go back and take each day as it comes and the baby will be fine.

I don't know how people do it op. I mean I totally get why people feel they have to do full time and some people don't have the option, but I know I could never have done it. It's hard. I hope you manage to find a solution.

I remember whenever work ended up ticking past 3 days a week I would start to feel the balance wad wrong and I'd feel quite sick about it.

This is EXACTLY how I am feeling. Today is day 4 and the balance is just all wrong. It's a physical feeling, not just an emotional one. I feel it in my gut - I need to be with my baby more than I am. I have emailed my boss today about dropping one day per week. Fingers crossed it can be agreed asap.

I remember feeling similar not not as upset. My concern was DS was sleeping by the time I got home. My mother said to me bluntly you cannot do it all.

You earn well by the sounds of it and swopping one problem for another makes no sense. I think a few months from now you will feel fine and you can review your work hours and then consider dropping them if needed.

I was very sad no to be with my first baby every day after my mat leave- then she became a toddler and I loved my work breaks. Toddlers are exhausting.
Keep an open mind OP, being around preschoolers all day is hard, full time working is hard- if you can find a part time balance it may be best. Sounds like you earn well, only you know if cutting back hours means one less holiday or not enough money to eat.

If you can afford it at all then I would go part time. Personally I loved having a break from my DC when they were babies but that was because I was self employed and had the freedom to work as little or as much as I wanted. Both parents working full days 5 days per week is just too much for under 3's IMO. I know for many they have no choice and so we really need a societal change to shift this insanity, but in the meantime I would cut back anywhere you and her dad can. It will be short term, when she's a bit bigger you can look to increase your hours again (assuming this isn't career suicide in your industry?).

I went back to work full time when my first baby was 9 months old. I felt exactly the same OP. Still felt the same a year later, they wouldn't allow me to go part time so I found another (part time) job and quit.