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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'd rather have no money than feel like this ...

63 replies

Sofiegiraffe · 06/04/2022 06:43

I've been awake since 4.30am having horrible anxiety attacks. I am back at work FT after a period of mat leave and I am dreading it. Being away from my baby all day every day feels intolerable. I earn good money in my job so I've had to go back, especially with the cost of living as it is. But I honestly can't cope with this. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed just sobbing my heart out. I want so badly to be near my baby. It's only Wednesday. How am I going to keep going like this? Sad

OP posts:
Embracelife · 06/04/2022 08:02

You will get used to it
Is your baby OK when you get home?
Is she being looked after?
Tell yourself she is OK, check in with childcare.
So are you.
She will be fine and so will you
Long term you will all benefit

RussianSpy101 · 06/04/2022 08:16

Oh OP I hope you managed some sleep. Not everyone does get used to it and that’s fine.

Have you spoken to your DH about this and if so, what did he say?
Would it be an option for you to condense your hours? My sister has returned doing FT over 4 days which does mean she doesn’t get to do bedtime 4 days a week but she then gets 3 full days with baby.

We’re all different so please don’t feel like there’s something wrong with you if you don’t get used to it.

Sceptre86 · 06/04/2022 08:32

If it helps you aren't the only women to have ever felt this way. Many on hers have found it tough and they've either got on with it as it does get easier, reduced hours or stopped working altogether. I second what another poster said re are you happy with your childcare because inorder to be productive at work you need to be, so if that's an issue look for alternatives. If there is a partner on the scene can you not discuss how you could be flexible between the two of you. I cried when I left my two at nursery for the first day, I had to stop doing drop offs to nursery as the kids could sense my anxiety and would be harder to soothe.

AnIconOfImperfections · 06/04/2022 08:43

Honestly, having no money is shit and will cause you so much stress. You will adapt to your new situation. Give it time. Don’t give up your independence!

Stompythedinosaur · 06/04/2022 08:46

It will get easier in time.

You have some control over your mental processes, with practice. There are things you can do to alleviate anxiety.

You are being a good parent by providing financially for your dc.

Myboypink · 06/04/2022 08:46

Sending love and hugs .
I’m absolutely dreading going back to work FT in a
Few months after maternity is over.

I’m so cross I have too!
My husband doesn’t get how badly I don’t want to leave our gorgeous baby in a nursery full time while I work and pay basically 2/3 of my salary in child care !
I’ll be exhausted , sad and grumpy inside and be missing baby so bad! Ahhhhhhhh !

I just want to send you a hug xxxx

allthingsred · 06/04/2022 08:51

I remember that feeling so wellFlowers
See how you feel over the next few weeks. If it is awful ask about pt hours..
I did this.. financially we weren't that much worse off. But then we were on min wage income anyway

TheOrigRights · 06/04/2022 09:49

[hugs] OP, being unbearably sad is a very, very normal reaction to the thought of being apart from your baby.

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 06/04/2022 13:11

Thanks everyone for your replies. To answer a few questions:

  • I am happy with childcare, my childminder is amazing. My baby is very happy there.
  • I have an option to drop some hours and condense the remaining hours over 4 days if I want to - my manager is supporting this. I'm just worried to do this in the current economic climate.
  • partner is aware of my feelings and says he will work extra overtime to make up any loss of earnings if I dropped hours - but I'm worried this means I'd never see him and we'd have little family time.

I don't know what the answer is. I'm just very lost with it all at the moment. I've spent the morning crying in the loos / trying not to cry at my desk. It feels such a mess. I just want to go home and be a mummy to my baby. Sad

OP posts:
Turningpurple · 06/04/2022 13:21

You are your baby's mummy 24/7. Don't feel you aren't if you aren't there.

Try the 4 days first and see how that works.

Do you have older children?

Is your partner a partner or a husband, if its the former then I would be wary of jumping in to be a sahp. Unless you have independent source of money. Which I am guessing you dont from the title.

I promise. Its gets easier.

stimpyyouidiot · 06/04/2022 13:37

I was terrified at going to work after dd. I think it was more my job, very stressful and involved a lot of reading awful things all day. Now I work in a school, part time, and I love it so much. It's done wonders for my mh. Can you look at what options you have?

TheOrigRights · 06/04/2022 14:27

OP, it's like Christmas every time you collect your baby from childcare.

As PP said, you do not stop being a Mum when someone else is caring for your child.

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 06/04/2022 14:35

As I was driving to collect her yesterday I was literally adding up all the hours someone else had been looking after her that day. It was almost 9.5 hours. I just wanted to cry. I feel like I'm not being a mum to her, or at least not the mum I want to be.

OP posts:
ThreeWiseWomen · 06/04/2022 14:38

@TheOrigRights

OP, it's like Christmas every time you collect your baby from childcare.

As PP said, you do not stop being a Mum when someone else is caring for your child.

This is so true.

I went to my childminder one Monday and said he has his first tooth, she said nicely, I found it on Friday but it wasn't my place to tell you and take away that joy.

You are now and always will be your baby's mum.

RussianSpy101 · 06/04/2022 16:20

@ThreeWiseWomen oh god why did she say that to you?

Hankunamatata · 06/04/2022 16:33

It took me 2/3 months to settle and not cry everyday. By 6 months I was fine. Its such a massive readjustment.

HardyBuckette · 06/04/2022 17:16

@Sofiegiraffe

Thanks everyone for your replies. To answer a few questions:
  • I am happy with childcare, my childminder is amazing. My baby is very happy there.
  • I have an option to drop some hours and condense the remaining hours over 4 days if I want to - my manager is supporting this. I'm just worried to do this in the current economic climate.
  • partner is aware of my feelings and says he will work extra overtime to make up any loss of earnings if I dropped hours - but I'm worried this means I'd never see him and we'd have little family time.

I don't know what the answer is. I'm just very lost with it all at the moment. I've spent the morning crying in the loos / trying not to cry at my desk. It feels such a mess. I just want to go home and be a mummy to my baby. Sad

Have you done the sums on this one? Depending on how well you're paid, sometimes it isn't much of a loss at all where there are also childcare and commuting costs.
stimpyyouidiot · 06/04/2022 18:19

@ThreeWiseWomen the ladies at the nursery my dd went to weren't allowed to tell parents if their children had started to walk there which I thought was a really sweet thing. I found out because at the ' parents evening' they asked if she was walking yet and we said yes she's started walking for small distances now and she said 'thank goodness - she's been starting to here as well, I just couldn't tell you!'

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 06/04/2022 18:21

@HardyBuckette

I earn 3.5 times the daily rate we pay for childcare, so it is quite a loss to drop a day. But I think I'm past caring about that as I just need to do what's right emotionally rather than financially at this point. Even if it's just a temporary change until she's 2 or 3.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 06/04/2022 18:22

[quote stimpyyouidiot]@ThreeWiseWomen the ladies at the nursery my dd went to weren't allowed to tell parents if their children had started to walk there which I thought was a really sweet thing. I found out because at the ' parents evening' they asked if she was walking yet and we said yes she's started walking for small distances now and she said 'thank goodness - she's been starting to here as well, I just couldn't tell you!' [/quote]

I've actually lost sleep over this. I am so scared my baby will take her first steps with the childminder and not at home with us. Sad

OP posts:
ThreeWiseWomen · 06/04/2022 22:01

Any childminder or nursery worth their salt won't tell you, so if you are seeing it for the first time, then it is the first time.

waterrat · 06/04/2022 22:18

Op I read an article recently in the Times that said that dropping from 5 to 4 days makes little difference in pay to a lot of people because of tax.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I never felt like you are describing. I worked part time so was always really keen to get a break from my baby /toddler. but I remember whenever work ended up ticking past 3 days a week I would start to feel the balance wad wrong and I'd feel quite sick about it.

You only get one life. Try for thr 4 days...maybe have Wednesday off ? Then see if you could even cut to 3 ?

Pumpfive · 06/04/2022 22:21

The reality is, even if you are a SAHP, you still may miss their firsts. There are millions of firsts. And the way I see it, you aren't missing the firsts because when you see her walk, it'll be your first time seeing it.
I'm a nanny and I always wait for firsts to be told to me, having said that, when it comes to walking, in my experience, they don't just suddenly walk. There's a build up where you're holding their hands and they may do a step or two. We just discuss when they are getting close and I try not to let go of their hands too much when it's just me as I like the parents to witness firsts. I'm lucky with lots of work from home parents so they can pop in and out and more chances to practice these things with them around. But a good childcarer won't mention them walking until you've confirmed they've taken steps with you.

Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 04:20

I was at home, when dd decided to do her first steps. I went back when she was 2.

I was in the kitchen getting some water at my pil and dd walked for the first time for her great grandma. Completely missed it. It didn't matter she her second go was just as exciting.

Its ok saying 'I have to do what I feel emotionally' and quitting work is a snap reaction yiu could come to regret If your Dp has to work more, then he will miss far more and practiaclly all childcare and house work will fall to you. That may seem fine when emotions are running so high. But not when it's normal life, day in day out.

If you have other kids, the loss of income will likely impact them. Emotionally having 'no money' is hugely damaging and draining.

As can the loss of financial independence. I am not saying being a sahm is the wrong choice for you. But that a decision shouldn't be made quickly and based on high emotion only. In all honesty I would look and see if you can take a leave of absence, at the very least, before I jumped in and did this.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2022 07:16

My DS is nearly 9 and I don't remember any of his firsts even though I was a SAHP. Don't remember what his first word was, don't remember his first steps, don't remember his first tooth. I really don't understand the angst over it.

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