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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend says I’m just in the honeymoon period AIBU

83 replies

Salmabub · 05/04/2022 13:49

DP and I are in our late 30s and have been together for around a year and a half. We moved in together just before our 1 year ‘anniversary’. Prior to meeting one another we’d both had numerous long term relationships and had both been married, so by the time we met we both knew exactly what we did and didn’t want from a partner/relationship.

We both feel that the relationship is genuinely like a breath of fresh air and completely different to any relationship either of us have been in before. We don’t argue, but calmly talk through any rare disagreement we have and appreciate and understand each others point of view. Everything house work related is shared evenly with no complaints or nagging, we respect and support each other with everything and most importantly we just love each other’s company and being around one another.

Caught up with a friend for a coffee the other day and she had asked about the relationship, so I’d essentially told her the above. Father than be happy for me, my friend claimed that all relationships are this easy at the start and I’m just in the honeymoon period, soon it’ll be boring and stagnant and the arguments will begin. In my experience, I’ve always started to see the negative traits in partners by at least 6-12 months and various red flags, so I feel any major issues would have already presented themselves by now. Friend says I’m deluded! AIBU?! Confused Would be interested to know how long your “honeymoon period” lasted, or did it never finish?!

OP posts:
maras2 · 05/04/2022 14:20

Thank you dottydoodah
We've always been touchy feely sometimes to the (faux) embarrassment of the kids and grandkids Grin

beautifullymad · 05/04/2022 14:21

I was like you.

We are 10 years on and still
In the so called honeymoon stage.

My PIL have been married 55 years and they too are still in the honeymoon stage.

I think it's just a beautiful reality for very comparable couples.

Lillyhatesjaz · 05/04/2022 14:24

Been married 25 years still love him loads

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 05/04/2022 14:25

Look into limerance op...

Snoken · 05/04/2022 14:39

I don't know that she is jealous, she might just not have experienced what you are now experiencing. In general, yes, it does take time to properly get to know someone and to find out if you are compatible. Not just because there is a sincerity issue with either, but because you have to go through life stages together. Both challenging ones and happy ones.

Regardless, I think it's lovely that you have found someone you work so well with, and it sounds like it is mutual, and all you can do is keep going. If it turns out in years to come that he wasn't as nice as you thought, then so be it. Doesn't stop you enjoying your time together now.

JaninaDuszejko · 05/04/2022 14:42

I agree with your friend. You are still in the stage where it should be easy and wonderful.

DH and I have been together for 27 years. The first decade or so were lovely and happy and so easy. Then we had 3DC in quick succession with no family support nearby, at the same time my Dad was dying of cancer and suddenly it got very hard. We were exhausted (particularly me with 3 pregnancies in quick succession), had so many more responsibilities, and so had no time for 'us'. The preschool years were really tough. We both got older and grumpier. Both of us have lost a parent. We are very fortunate really, we don't have money worries and when we get time alone we still find each other attractive, get on well and agree on the basics but life is very very busy and these days we niggle each other about much more than we did before life got more complicated.

Marvellousmadness · 05/04/2022 14:45

Why do women always straight away assume someoneis jealous
Maybe she is just telling you to slow down and she might be just trying to protect you from heartbreak

Fimofriend · 05/04/2022 14:46

Another one still in the "honeymoon phase" here. More than 28 years.

Marblessolveeverything · 05/04/2022 14:51

It could be her jealousy or ignorance that there are healthy relationships! Honestly I think the fact you both had serious relationships benefits ye in this one. If you know your boundaries, have realised communication is key then I would say you have it cracked. None of us know what swerve ball will be thrown at us in life but the learning ye have done should serve you well.

Mamiamamia · 05/04/2022 14:59

She is jealous. I had a friend who was exactly the same regarding my relationship when we moved in together. 20years later we have been happily married for 12 years and life is as good if not better than when we moved in together. And jealous friend is no longer in my life.

mrsm43s · 05/04/2022 15:01

In all honesty, if you didn't feel like that so early on in the relationship, then it would be worrying. But, for every relationship that is like that at 18 months and is still like that forever, there are many, many more that were like that at 18 months, and then fell apart at some point later down the road. You don't really know if a relationship is going to last forever until it ends (or one of you dies!). So many people find out that their relationships were not all they thought them to be even 5/10/20/40 years down the line. No-one has a crystal ball, and you just have to live each day as it comes.

That said, I'd expect a friend to be happy that you're happy and leave it at that. Unless of course you were being ridiculously smug and making out that your relationship is somehow more special and superior to everyone else's, and ramming it down her throat.

KneadingKitty · 05/04/2022 15:01

She's projecting her own shit onto you. Just ignore. Time will tell.

Blossomtoes · 05/04/2022 15:04

@maras2

We're still in the honeymoon period 54 years on. Smile
That’s so lovely. We’ve been in and out of it over 24 years. We’re currently most definitely in it.
1forAll74 · 05/04/2022 15:05

Your friend may just be basing her views,on the hundreds of other relationships that you hear about on here. Those that have been fairly short term, and then fall to pieces when people don't know how to live together properly, and decide to split because of very silly reasons. Just ignore, and don't listen to a doom monger.

KneadingKitty · 05/04/2022 15:08

Agree with others though that until you have been through the hard things together that you haven't really had a true test of how you'll see it through long-term. I didn't argue with my ex at all until we had children and had the same view of him as you do of your OH now. However, after 9 years we divorced.
Saying that, I'd never convey this to a friend who is clearly happy. It's akin to telling a pregnant woman all of the terrible things that can go wrong in labour and how depressed she will be post-partum. There's just no need for it and it also might not turn out to be true.

crocus776 · 05/04/2022 15:09

She's may not be jealous, she may just be jaded by reality.
If you add babies/ infertility, not sleeping, ill health, depression, financial stress, death etc into the mix, life may not be so smooth.
It might be if you're lucky. You won't know until you try, but she's right it's all a honeymoon until life gets stressful.

edenhills · 05/04/2022 15:10

Still in ours after 24 years.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 05/04/2022 15:17

My husband and I have been together 13 years. We always find it quite awkward when others start chats with "you know when you have one of those bad, shouty arguments" because... We don't.

Not to say that shouty arguments mean a bad relationship, just different communication styles. But anyways, your friend sounds like she's talking more from her own experience than anything

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 05/04/2022 15:21

The end of “the honeymoon period” doesn’t mean a descent into arguing and stagnation. It just means a settling down. Yes you’ll probably be less likely to take that spontaneous trip abroad or buy an expensive gift after a while, but that doesn’t mean you’re more likely to be bored or less compatible.

Your friend sounds jealous and if she’s never had a good relationship then I can see why.

Try and shrug it off. If she persists, tell her it’s upsetting for her to belittle your happiness and you’d hoped she would be pleased for you.

ikeepseeingit · 05/04/2022 15:24

Sometimes the best relationships have a never ending ‘honeymoon period’ where both people actually were honest from the start and genuinely are good people who are compatible. A lot of the reason we have honeymoon periods is because one or both people are trying to appease the other and they get tired further down the line when it becomes a long term problem. It sounds like you two are genuinely compatible which is brilliant.

housemaus · 05/04/2022 15:26

It's probably that she's jealous, which isn't very nice.

Unless she's seeing something you're not and your DP isn't as good as he sounds, but seeing as she barely knows him I think it's more likely jealousy! Or at least a bit of bitterness that she doesn't have the same experience of a good relationship.

DH and I have been together nearly a decade, I'm still excited to see him after a day at work. We had covid recently, and spent 3 days lying on the sofa talking nonsense and making each other laugh because we were sick of everything on Netflix, and we didn't run out of things to say or get bored of each other for a minute even though we both felt absolutely horrid.

IncompleteSenten · 05/04/2022 15:28

She might be right, she might be wrong.
Best thing to say is oh well, let's hope not but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I'm happier than I've ever been and I'm going to make the most of it.

It would take a hell of a twat to carry on trying to bring you down.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 05/04/2022 15:28

We're 38 and 40, and 17 years in to our relationship and it's still fun and lovely. We went for cocktails and dinner on Saturday and still have masses to talk about. Your friend is being a dick.

MrsTimRiggins · 05/04/2022 15:29

She sounds miserable and seems to want to bring you down too.. not a friend I’d want.
For me personally, two and a half years is the make or break point. Either you still think they’re great or the bad points you noticed but tolerated weeks or even months before come to a head and you get shot of them. My sisters and friends seem to be the same.

Juniper68 · 05/04/2022 15:32

@gamerchick

Well I've been with husband for nearly 13 years. We married a year in and I still get butterflies when he's due home or when I'm due home.

Can't complain like.

Same. What area are you from?