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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to the spa day

75 replies

PrettyLittleCryer · 05/04/2022 11:34

MIL has issued a really packed agenda for her birthday weekend, with 3 x meals, bowling, organised walks...and a spa day. It's all quite non stop but that's fine, it's her birthday and organising is her 'thing'.

The trouble is I have quite bad anxiety. I have issues about my body anyway and the idea of being in steam rooms and pools, in a swimming costume, with loads of family friends (inc a couple who are really body competitive and some who are a bit pervy) makes me feel all kinds of yuk. Also the shared changing rooms...this is in a country where literally it's common for the women to all get nekkid the second they hit a changing room. And to top it all off, I'm due on my period when we're going and I don't use tampons so what the heck I'm meant to do with all the swimming etc I'm not sure.

I'm worrying myself silly thinking about it but if I don't go, I'll look really ungrateful and like a drama llama. I thought about saying I felt ill but there are more meals/ activities after so I can't just miraculously get better straight after the spa.

The worst bit is MIL isn't even going herself! She's just arranged this for everyone of a certain age whilst she's off doing another activity with another group (including taking my kids with her!). I don't want to offend her. And my DH is annoyed at me too.

What do I do?

OP posts:

ForeverLooking · 05/04/2022 11:39

Why is your DH annoyed with you?! Why is MIL allowed to say the spa isn't her thing and miss it, but you can't? I'd be really honest with MIL, say thank you for thinking of me, but Spas aren't really my thing, so I'll save you the money on this one. Looks forward to the rest of the weekend!
If you feel you must go (you shouldn't) then take a book and some headphones and just sit in a robe by the pool or there will be a relaxed seating area. There's no rule saying you have to strip to a bikini.

Phineyj · 05/04/2022 11:41

I think you need an assertiveness course! If you don't like spas, you don't like spas. Do the thing with your kids instead if you feel you need to participate. Seems fair enough when the birthday person isn't even going to be present.

My in-laws are perfectly nice but wake a good 2-3 hours after us as we have an early rising energetic child. Last time I put my foot down and said we'd visit but not stay (we stayed in a cheap hotel instead - meaning we could actually breakfast and go out at a convenient time). There was a bit of a kerfuffle but they accepted it and it did go better.

sonjadog · 05/04/2022 11:41

Could you say you would much prefer to go on the other activity that she and your kids are doing? Present it that you think it sounds like a great activity and much more your thing than going to a spa, rather than a criticism of the spa-plan.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/04/2022 11:43

God I would hate that as well! Nightmare. Just say you can't do it, be firm. Say it's not your thing, and you'll be happy to join everyone for the meals/bowling. Seems very full on for a birthday!!

Pepsipepsi · 05/04/2022 11:43

I have a friend who plans a whole birthday weekend as your MIL. I used to go to all of it when younger but after lockdowns and a full working week of meetings I really feel the "socialising hangover" due to being too buzzy to sleep properly. So now I just say what bits I can join for and apologise politely for the bits I can't make. Never been a problem people drop out of plans for all sorts of reasons. She's happy she gets to do all the activities and others are happy they can attend for what their schedules allow for. No one owns anybodies free time!

BarbaraofSeville · 05/04/2022 11:43

Eh? Your MIL has 'issued an agenda' telling people what they are doing for her birthday? And people are expected to comply? Even if she's paying, that's a very odd thing to do.

What if you have other plans or just don't want to join in?

I'd just join in with the things I wanted to do and not mention any of the rest of it.

Rainallnight · 05/04/2022 11:45

SHE’S NOT GOING? What have I just read?

Littlemissprosecco · 05/04/2022 11:47

Sounds like mil is paying to keep certain people out of her way, while she goes off doing exactly what she wants!

murasaki · 05/04/2022 11:49

Heh littlemissprosecco, I agree. And kind of admire her in a way.

But don't go if you don't want to, OP.

justaweeone · 05/04/2022 11:50

Just say NO
I hate spas

Crunchymum · 05/04/2022 11:50

MIL has issued a really packed agenda for her birthday weekend, with 3 x meals, bowling, organised walks...and a spa day

I assume it's a big birthday and this is a one off? Who on Earth commandeers so much of others people's time.

Just say no to the spa.

coconutpie · 05/04/2022 11:50

That sounds hell to me. Just don't go. And why is your DH annoyed at you? Is he the boss of you? Even if MIL was going, I still wouldn't be going. Life is too short to just say yes to things that you don't want to do. MIL sounds like a total PITA with her demands. And she's not even going! On what planet does she think it is ok to arrange activities for everyone else and demand they go? Suit yourself and do what you want to do.

Notimeforaname · 05/04/2022 11:50

Nobody can make you go. You say thanks but no thanks, spa is not my thing. And that's that.

Unsureaboutit9 · 05/04/2022 11:51

‘I’m due on my period and they can be very heavy so I’m not going sorry, if you want any help with the kids let me no’

Simple, be assertive OP! And tell your husband to stop being an asshole.

wtfwasthatmate · 05/04/2022 11:52

Why is your husband annoyed?! Is he going to the spa??

blobby10 · 05/04/2022 11:59

Completely understand your feelings as it sounds like hell to me too! I think I would fake a migraine or stomach bug on the morning and stay at home!

OhPleaseJustLast · 05/04/2022 12:01

How very….odd. So, your MIL is making plans for people to celebrate her birthday by doing things she will not be doing herself? Is it normal in your family for people to have this much say over other people’s time? Because, I can tell you, it would be considered batshit crazy in mine! I can just imagine what my sister in law would say if I told her it was my birthday therefore I’d booked her in to an activity to celebrate, that I didn’t want to do myself, while I went off to do something else that I wanted to do instead 😂

H1Drangea · 05/04/2022 12:07

Can you go , wear a bikini top and shorts and lie on a pool lounger reading a book ( drinking a cocktail )
Or … just don’t go
Sounds like a bloody nightmare to me though

ColouringPencils · 05/04/2022 12:11

I am interested to hear more about the MIL. Is this just a standard birthday or a big one? What other kinds of agendas has she issued?

GrimDamnFanjo · 05/04/2022 12:13

@ColouringPencils

I am interested to hear more about the MIL. Is this just a standard birthday or a big one? What other kinds of agendas has she issued?

Lol me too!

We need to know more....

FelicityPike · 05/04/2022 12:15

Tell them it’s your period so no swimming etc & just lounge around as others have suggested.
Or just don’t go?

OhPleaseJustLast · 05/04/2022 12:15

@ColouringPencils

I am interested to hear more about the MIL. Is this just a standard birthday or a big one? What other kinds of agendas has she issued?

Me too. Frankly, I reckon I’d have anxiety if she was my MIL too!

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/04/2022 12:17

@Unsureaboutit9

‘I’m due on my period and they can be very heavy so I’m not going sorry, if you want any help with the kids let me no’

Simple, be assertive OP! And tell your husband to stop being an asshole.

This is absolutely the way to go. One private conversation with MiL and one with your husband. You cannot be expected to go to a spa with a heavy period, whether you use tampons or not. Neither of them can offer a convincing counter-argument to this point so tough it out and tell them that.

godmum56 · 05/04/2022 12:25

if your husband thnks attendance at the spa is so important then send him. Its many years since I did anything that I didn't want to do and I haven't missed it. If Mil's going to get arsey then remove yourself from the whole weekend "so as not to cause problems" Send your husband and the kids and enjoy a quiet weekend doing what you like.

godmum56 · 05/04/2022 12:26

oh PS tell them about your period if you like but you shouldn't have to give any explanation, "No thanks" is a complete and polite sentence.

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