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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to the spa day

75 replies

PrettyLittleCryer · 05/04/2022 11:34

MIL has issued a really packed agenda for her birthday weekend, with 3 x meals, bowling, organised walks...and a spa day. It's all quite non stop but that's fine, it's her birthday and organising is her 'thing'.

The trouble is I have quite bad anxiety. I have issues about my body anyway and the idea of being in steam rooms and pools, in a swimming costume, with loads of family friends (inc a couple who are really body competitive and some who are a bit pervy) makes me feel all kinds of yuk. Also the shared changing rooms...this is in a country where literally it's common for the women to all get nekkid the second they hit a changing room. And to top it all off, I'm due on my period when we're going and I don't use tampons so what the heck I'm meant to do with all the swimming etc I'm not sure.

I'm worrying myself silly thinking about it but if I don't go, I'll look really ungrateful and like a drama llama. I thought about saying I felt ill but there are more meals/ activities after so I can't just miraculously get better straight after the spa.

The worst bit is MIL isn't even going herself! She's just arranged this for everyone of a certain age whilst she's off doing another activity with another group (including taking my kids with her!). I don't want to offend her. And my DH is annoyed at me too.

What do I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

PrettyLittleCryer · 05/04/2022 12:39

Ah thanks all. I was expecting to get told to get a grip on the anxiety and stop being so selfish but maybe I'm not being quite so nutty this time.

To answer q's...

It is a special 'big' birthday. MIL is actually really lovely although I wouldn't say we have the kind of relationship where I'd discuss periods! She loves my kids and very rarely sees them due to distance so I think that's why she's arranged to take them somewhere separately, and I don't want to gatecrash as that's a treat for her. Plus I think she genuinely probably thought she was treating me to some child free time...she's sent me and DH to spas before and I've enjoyed it, but that was just me and him not loads of family and family friends and I wasn't on my period.

Yes, DH is coming. He's cross because he thinks I always cause a scene (I don't, I'm very discreet but he's right that i do struggle socially and try to get out of things that make me uncomfortable, which embarrasses him because his family like lots of socialising). And he thinks it looks very ungrateful which I feel bad about too...she's paid upfront for everyone already.

Yes I could just go and sit on a lounger maybe. The trouble is a couple of the relatives going are huge drama types. They'll constantly be on at me why am I doing that. They are also the reason why I don't want to just be honest I'm on my period - I don't exactly want it shouting from the rooftops! And there are quite a few men going. So just generally embarrassing.

OP posts:

Clymene · 05/04/2022 12:43

OMG I cannot imagine anything more dreadful than an in law family and friends spa day

godmum56 · 05/04/2022 12:52

Well if it was my DH he could do one. YOU, and not his family, should be his main concern, and if he is so keen for someone to go to the spa then he can go....maybe book him a LOVELY back sack and crack wax as a WONDERFUL surprise

jellybeanteaparty · 05/04/2022 12:53

I would agree with others that the best option is to say no thank you however if you want possible solutions a surf beach changing robe instead of a towel means no need to be naked in public and I think you can get period pant swimming costumes.

DrManhattan · 05/04/2022 12:54

Tell her you can't go due to not wanting to.

SailingNotSurfing · 05/04/2022 13:03

Just tell her you are due your period. Quite why your DH is being so unsupportive is bizarre - surely he knows you have heavy periods? Either stay home or join in the other activity. I hate over-organised weekends.

Hbh17 · 05/04/2022 13:07

It's bad enough when adults expect people to celebrate their birthdays, but a "birthday weekend" is just taking the...... !

balalake · 05/04/2022 13:08

Big birthday- a term that should be subject to social isolation for any person who refers to it when it is their birthday. Just an excuse to upscale events.

If some of the men (or indeed women) are pervy, why have anything to do with them at all?

Whilst I am saddened to read of your body confidence issues, you are better off not going. No is a complete sentence here.

OutingHobby · 05/04/2022 13:12

Go with your MILS group and just tell her you have horrendous periods so don't do spa days. She'll have to deal with it.

OutingHobby · 05/04/2022 13:12

You should just be able to say no though. It's rude to pressure people to spa day when they don't want to.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2022 13:14

Have you asked your DH what he thinks you should do about your period? How would he handle his...............ohhh no he wouldn't have a FUCKING clue, would he?

You say MIL is lovely so why not just go directly to her and tell her you will have your period and wouldn't feel comfortable in the Spa and that you're embarrassed and would rather the others not know that. If she's a nice person like you say she will understand

OutingHobby · 05/04/2022 13:14

@AryaStarkWolf

Have you asked your DH what he thinks you should do about your period? How would he handle his...............ohhh no he wouldn't have a FUCKING clue, would he?

Good point. What's your husbands brilliant suggestion.. grr

godmum56 · 05/04/2022 13:21

@DrManhattan

Tell her you can't go due to not wanting to.

100PercentNever · 05/04/2022 13:32

Just do what you want to do !

Nothing is compulsory

Just say that "it's not the right time for a spa for you"
You don't have to explain the real reason & it is nobody else's business

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 13:43

I would compromise. I would not go to the spa day and tell them why, let dh go, and join for one or two of the other activities that are not so painful. Your dh should have your back, especially if you have GAD. Dh should tell his mother what you will be and won't be attending and she will have to live with it. Grossly unfair to inflict this kind of thing on other people without knowing they will actually enjoy it.

This is a dh problem so to speak not an MIL problem. What needs addressing is his lack of support and understanding, and respect for your wishes as a fully grown adult and able to choose what you do with your life.

Agree a compromise or don't go to any of it, they all sound like hard work to me. Respect your own boundaries and wishes, and don't apologise for them and your anxiety levels will lower instantly.

You are allowed to say no thanks....to anything.

Original poster

PrettyLittleCryer · 05/04/2022 13:50

@Swayingpalmtrees Thanks, it's interesting...I had a little cry this morning because DH snapped "I'll message her!" at me but I could tell he was so cross and I'd been gently bringing up how worried about it I was for days before he volunteered that. I just sat on my bed and thought...I just wish he'd voluntarily look out for me and not put me through it sometimes without always seeing me as a burden and embarrassment.

I realise being with someone anxious isn't fun. But I'm honestly not hugely debilitating. There are loads and loads of things I do. I will be at every one of the family meals with a smile on my face, even though it will be mentally exhausting for me. And I generally try to kick my arse into gear and go to family events and stuff as required. But this one is just too vulnerable and yukky for me...it feels really personal.

OP posts:

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 05/04/2022 13:57

I'd been gently bringing up how worried about it I was for days

I do sympathise with your predicament but it might be much more quickly resolved by just being straightforward rather than bringing it up over and over again for days, which is probably quite wearing to live with. Wouldn’t it be better to say assertively that you won’t be going and should you tell MIL or should he?

LocalHobo · 05/04/2022 13:59

Agree you don't need to give an excuse but 'I'm on my period - I don't exactly want it shouting from the rooftops! And there are quite a few men going. So just generally embarrassing I am so disappointed that any woman should feel embarrassed about having a period.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 14:00

You poor thing op, it is personal, he has no right to treat your condition as an inconvenience to him. Stop walking on eggshells and gently breaking things to him, be direct with him and ask him why he finds empathy so difficult. If he wants a massive social life it doesn't need to involve you all of the time. He sounds like a bully and that is the root of the issue, not your GAD or the spa day, but him and the way he treats you.

Atomiccat · 05/04/2022 14:00

There is no way in hell I would go to an inlaw and family spa day. No way. Out of curiosity op, do you live in Germany or Scandinavia by any chance..?

stripeyflowers · 05/04/2022 14:01

It's not easy with family pressure but, really OP, do what is best for you. There is no way I would put myself through what you have described. It sounds like an absolute nightmare.

romdowa · 05/04/2022 14:02

Sounds like you have a dh problem. If I told my dp I didn't want to do something then there's no way he'd be furious with me. No wonder you have anxiety if he kicks off all the time .

BessMarvin · 05/04/2022 14:03

I agree you should be able to say you aren't going without others giving you grief.

If you do feel you have to, could you find your own agenda to be enthusiastic about without having to do things with them? Eg a facial, a yoga session, etc?

Aprilx · 05/04/2022 14:08

I cannot imagine a world in which my in-laws tell me what I will be doing at the weekend. Just say no.

Original poster

PrettyLittleCryer · 05/04/2022 14:09

@Atomiccat this is in a European country yes, so nudiness is much more normal- the first time I met MIL she had her boobs out :) :)

Sorry to drip feed but on that note, MIL and I don't speak the same language which is why DH is essential to communicate with her for me.

But my DH is absolutely not a bully or a terrible person. He's generally great he just isn't the most empathetic and gets very fed up with my anxiety, especially as he's a huge family person and it embarrasses him because it causes conflict between what they want and what I'm comfortable with.

OP posts:

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