To not go to the spa day

[PrettyLittleCryer]

MIL has issued a really packed agenda for her birthday weekend, with 3 x meals, bowling, organised walks...and a spa day. It's all quite non stop but that's fine, it's her birthday and organising is her 'thing'.

The trouble is I have quite bad anxiety. I have issues about my body anyway and the idea of being in steam rooms and pools, in a swimming costume, with loads of family friends (inc a couple who are really body competitive and some who are a bit pervy) makes me feel all kinds of yuk. Also the shared changing rooms...this is in a country where literally it's common for the women to all get nekkid the second they hit a changing room. And to top it all off, I'm due on my period when we're going and I don't use tampons so what the heck I'm meant to do with all the swimming etc I'm not sure.

I'm worrying myself silly thinking about it but if I don't go, I'll look really ungrateful and like a drama llama. I thought about saying I felt ill but there are more meals/ activities after so I can't just miraculously get better straight after the spa.

The worst bit is MIL isn't even going herself! She's just arranged this for everyone of a certain age whilst she's off doing another activity with another group (including taking my kids with her!). I don't want to offend her. And my DH is annoyed at me too.

What do I do?

[quote PrettyLittleCryer]@Atomiccat this is in a European country yes, so nudiness is much more normal- the first time I met MIL she had her boobs out :) :)

Sorry to drip feed but on that note, MIL and I don't speak the same language which is why DH is essential to communicate with her for me.

But my DH is absolutely not a bully or a terrible person. He's generally great he just isn't the most empathetic and gets very fed up with my anxiety, especially as he's a huge family person and it embarrasses him because it causes conflict between what they want and what I'm comfortable with. [/quote]
@PrettyLittleCryer I’m not in the UK either, and I think I know exactly what you mean. 😅😭

@Atomiccat Alllll the towels flung off 🤣🤣🤣

Food poisoning, 100%

@PrettyLittleCryer yup. Sounds about the same. 😂

Go with your kids.polite refusals rarely offend anyone so just say no thank you to the spa day

Explain to your DH you really really feel uncomfortable with the spa and won't cause a scene and he needs to back you up on it. Then he can tell MIL that you are due to have minor surgery on an ingrown toenail or something and the Doctor has advised you cannot get it wet, so cannot do the spa, but you're happy to have a coffee in the cafe there while you wait for everyone. Would something like that work? Then just rock up with a toe bandage and bobs your uncle.

If she's not even going herself I'd say no with zero guilt.

Migraine attack before the spa, miraculously you’re better fir the meal. White lies are fine when you’re trying not to upset someone, nobody will be hurt by this lie.

I would not go to a spa with a mixed sex group, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable. DEFINITELY not if male in-laws were involved, I can’t imagine anything more awkward. And I don’t think there is any need to care what people think or whether their feelings are hurt if they don’t respect your boundaries.

@Bookworm20

Explain to your DH you really really feel uncomfortable with the spa and won't cause a scene and he needs to back you up on it. Then he can tell MIL that you are due to have minor surgery on an ingrown toenail or something and the Doctor has advised you cannot get it wet, so cannot do the spa, but you're happy to have a coffee in the cafe there while you wait for everyone. Would something like that work? Then just rock up with a toe bandage and bobs your uncle.

Or, she could just say ’No thanks’. 😂🤔

OP if you need an excuse not to do the spa, being on your period is the perfect one! Most women have periods and they are certainly nothing to be ashamed of. If anyone should be ashamed it’s your husband for not being more understanding of his wife!

I understand that you don’t want to seem ungrateful or put your husband in an awkward position OP….

But…you CAN just say ‘No Thankyou, Spas really aren’t my cup of tea so I’ll sit this one out and join you all later.”

Why do we always feel the need to make excuses up for things we don’t want to do?
I would rather sit in the pub watching football than go for afternoon tea. I wouldn’t be offended if a member of my family wanted to go for afternoon tea and not sit in the pub watching football.

We’re all different, and that’s ok.

Yes, OP could just say no thanks.

But I'm getting the impression OP is worried about offending anyone and doesn't want to come across as ungrateful or like shes trying to change the plans/ be difficult.
If she just says no thanks, perhaps MIL may perceive this as a bit of an insult/op being ungrateful and it could cause unnecessary friction.
Some MIL's as we all know, don't like being told no, or they take it the wrong way, and I'm guessing that's something OP wants to avoid.

A simple white lie would get OP out of the dreaded spa day, MIL feelings will remain intact. She just needs the support of her DH.

Maybe say chlorine makes your skin irritated or you cud say you got scabies 😁

I would hate a spa day, sounds like my idea of hell. I'd be down for all the other stuff except the spa day. I know it's tough to say no, I struggle with that as well but I wish I'd been more assertive when I was younger. So just say no, it's not going to kill anyone, your DH will get over it.

Thanks all, DH has now messaged her and I'm going to take the dog for a nice long walk while they do the activities...suits me (and the dog!) much better.

I don't feel horrific about pushing for it thanks to this thread - sometimes I doubt myself, but clearly lots of other people would not love an enforced mass family / friends spa trip either!

@Bookworm20 ok, but what will op do next time MIL invites her to a spa because she’s under the impression op likes it.. It’s ok not to like spa, she foesn’t have to lie about having surgety and putting a fake bandage on. Noone would believe that anyway.

Ffs I can’t spell now.. doesn’t and surgery. 😂🙄

@Bookworm20

Explain to your DH you really really feel uncomfortable with the spa and won't cause a scene and he needs to back you up on it. Then he can tell MIL that you are due to have minor surgery on an ingrown toenail or something and the Doctor has advised you cannot get it wet, so cannot do the spa, but you're happy to have a coffee in the cafe there while you wait for everyone. Would something like that work? Then just rock up with a toe bandage and bobs your uncle.

Faking surgery is not the answer. She'd have to hobble for days.

@PrettyLittleCryer

Thanks all, DH has now messaged her and I'm going to take the dog for a nice long walk while they do the activities...suits me (and the dog!) much better.

I don't feel horrific about pushing for it thanks to this thread - sometimes I doubt myself, but clearly lots of other people would not love an enforced mass family / friends spa trip either!

Horray! Good outcome 👏

@Unsureaboutit9

‘I’m due on my period and they can be very heavy so I’m not going sorry, if you want any help with the kids let me no’

Simple, be assertive OP! And tell your husband to stop being an asshole.

This

I recently caught Covid in a steam room/sauna so no yanbu! I’m glad that you’ve now arranged an alternative activity.

Well done op. I’m sure you’ll get the chance to flash your boobs at relatives another time. 🙃

Hope the dog appreciates your company and that you have come to a resolution.

@PrettyLittleCryer

Thanks all, DH has now messaged her and I'm going to take the dog for a nice long walk while they do the activities...suits me (and the dog!) much better.

I don't feel horrific about pushing for it thanks to this thread - sometimes I doubt myself, but clearly lots of other people would not love an enforced mass family / friends spa trip either!

If you don't fancy it then that's good that you aren't going but I think everyone is being really mean about you MIL. It sounds like she's organized and paid for a fab weekend. I'd love to be treated by her. Only on Mumsnet can such a generous offer be seen quite so negatively. In my world if I was offered a treat like this that I didn't want to do I would make up a good excuse and decline. No drama and no negativity!