AIBU to feel frustrated at DP mental health?

[shrabso]

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible. DP has always struggled with mental health but it comes in waves. For a few months he can be fine and great and then it will hit again. He's currently going through one of those phases and I'm not sure what to do.

He said he feels very overwhelmed with work and drained and has lied to them saying he has COVID so he can take some time off without it going down as sickness (COVID doesn't count). I told him I don't think it's a good idea but he's gone ahead and done it anyway. I'm worried he will be found out for this and I just don't like the fact he's lied? Makes me almost question his character, but idk if that's unfair.

What worries me is that he says he's not bothered if he's not paid during this time as money is the last thing on his mind right now. We don't currently live together but are thinking of it in the next year or two and this attitude terrifies me. Yes he has security of his family atm, but what about when we live together? He can't just go taking days off and expecting all the burden to fall on me?

I also feel emotionally as though nothing I say is good enough, and it is so frustrating seeing the person you love so down and unmotivated when they are usually the opposite. I want to be kind and understanding but I also want him to realise this is real life and we have to learn to deal with these challenges together, not just lie to work to get a few days off when things get tough.

Any advice please? Has anyone been through anything similar?

Anyone??

Please don’t move in with him and share finances. I’m sorry to be blunt. You can support and love him but if he has mental health issues he needs to tackle them , look for genuine support. Otherwise in 5 years you’ll be working and organising his medical appointments. Sorry I can’t be more positive! Speaking from experience…

I have been married 20 years and for the last year my husband has had serious anxiety and depression meaning extensive time off work. We had a good twenty years of happy marriage but this last year has put a terrible strain on things and nearly broke us up. The anxiety makes him selfish and it is exhausting and caring for him was making my mental health dip plus the financial strain. In your shoes I would end the relationship as otherwise you are in for a long hard slog at life.

If you want to keep the relationship and your own mental health, I would not live with him and defo don’t share finances. I too speak from experience..

I think he has put himself in a vulnerable position, what's he going to do if he gets covid in the next few weeks and is too ill to work?

Apart from that my advice would be to walk away. It doesn't seem like this is a balanced relationship. I know it's hard because he hasnt done anything wrong and isn't his fault but that doesn't mean this relationship is the right one for you either. Have a look at the relationships board, it's full of people who have to do everything at home, work extra, single handedly look after kids, and facilitate all their partners hobbies etc because their partner has bad mental health and they are 'unsupportive' if they don't. It's not worth it and they end up resenting their partner.

If it's a short term thing like a reaction to a death in the family then that's one thing but if it's a long term thing then that's different, and it means you likely haven't seen the worst yet because even people without mental health issues struggle with things like having kids or work issues etc that all couples go through. I wouldn't be staying in a relationship where I knew there was never any support for me through the bad times because the other person couldn't cope themselves

I have bipolar so I’m slightly biased maybe. I’m glad people don’t think I’m not to be touched with a bargepole and I’ve had serious long relationships. He can’t help it. He lied because companies are fucking arseholes about mental health. I told the truth to one of my jobs once and they told me I was a let down. I’ve always lied and said it was physical since then.
He’s right that money isn’t everything all the time and sometimes mental health just has to come first, low money for a while is better than the alternative.
Honestly though if you’re not feeling it it’s not really fair to him or you.

I hope you don’t feel like I’m having a go I’m just giving you perspective as someone with serious mental health issue but currently mentally well.

Who’s taking care of you? Not him. I’m with the other posters: I’d move on. You are not obliged to be his enabler and nurse.

I’m not saying people with MH issues can’t be in relationships. But if you were to move in with him I’d want him to tell you, this is my treatment plan, this is how I deal with depressive episodes. Not just phone in sick and hope it goes away. I have a friend who does this - her partner knows there are periods when she has to check out for her own MH but she has a plan in place

@mangogogogo

See this is why I am not taking the view of some of the other posters on this thread. I don't want to be hard on him, I want to understand and try to help him because I care for him so deeply and want him to be happy. However, I do feel that he needs to also want to help himself. He hasn't ever sought out therapy or anything like that. He was briefly on medication which made him feel worse but he didn't really stick it out to see.

I understand all MH issues are different but I also suffer with anxiety quite badly at times but I don't shut DP out, if anything I let him get closer to me. I know him doing this is part of the depression but it's really tough when you feel like you can't do anything to help.

The covid thing is a very short term solution. He needs to seek help and change his life. Has he seen a GP for his mental health? Does he do anything helpful like walking, sports, social stuff? Has he tried counselling? He needs a plan. But ultimately it's on him to do this. You can encourage and support but I would hold off on any life changes like moving in together until he is in a better place.

I’m in a similar position with a DP with significant MH issues, though he’s not yet had to have time off for them. I feel there must be a happy medium when it comes to this? I’d love to hear some positive stories from those who have succeeded because these calls to LTB are quite depressing.

I have (at times) severe mental health issues so I've been where your partner is and I can kind of understand what he means about money being the last thing on his mind as your perception just completely warps and can make you just not care about anything.

HOWEVER, what is he doing to treat his mental health? Is he on meds? Is he engaging with therapy? It's crucial that he engages with absolutely everything available to him even though it probably feels like the last thing he wants to do.

@garlicandsapphires

I’m in a similar position with a DP with significant MH issues, though he’s not yet had to have time off for them. I feel there must be a happy medium when it comes to this? I’d love to hear some positive stories from those who have succeeded because these calls to LTB are quite depressing.

Absolutely agree with you! When you love somebody it's not always as cut and dry as LTB. Especially when these episodes are only a couple of times per year.

Would also love to hear some different perspectives

We don't currently live together but are thinking of it in the next year or two and this attitude terrifies me.

It should. My father was like this and only got worse. He would not workformonths at a time. My DMtold me as an qdult italmost drove her toa breakdown more than once. She had panicattacks and heartpalpitatuons for years. She nowshe is chronic heart problem i attribute tn part to him.

A partnership where you are always carrying at least 50% and sometimes close to 100% is a shit partnership and a lonely road.
Children are not easy being a sole earner and supporting two people is not easy.
Think long and hard.

Is DP on medication or in therapy? I think it's really important that he's getting the help he needs so that the stress and strain doesn't fall solely on you. Lying about having covid to get time off work is less than ideal but I get it. MH isn't taken seriously enough within work spaces, especially as a reason for absence. Is there someone he can talk to at work about lightening his work load slightly so he's not so overwhelmed?

My DH has anxiety and depression. I gave him a gentle nudge to seek help in 2020 after about 6 months of panic attacks and worry. It took another six months before he got on meds (tried CBT first and felt like it would never work for him) which levelled him out so much more. He still has episodes but they are short-lived and, fortunately, now he realises that he will come out the other side. I found (and still find) these episodes really hard to deal with but I just do my best and support him in whatever way I can.

Oh i should add they were very much in love at the start. The first 10-15 my DM held itall together but he got progessively worse despire private therapists, time off, her doing more. They divorced after 25 years (married young) and by the end it was horrendous forall involved. My childhood revolved around myfathers mood and he dictated whether any givenday would be a "good day" or not....

I think you need to go in with your eyes open. MH issues don't just affect one person alone and they may never go away.

My experiences are that the relationship was worth it but it wasn't easy. I couldn't go through it again with anyone else as I'm worn out.

You won't have an equal partnership.
You will need to be the strong one - you may not be supported when you have problems. Their problems always come first.
Your priorities will be different.
You can't depend on their income and have to take steps to protect your own - they may run up debts and expect you to sort it out with your savings. They may walk out of a job with no thought about how the bills are going to get paid on the expensive flat they insisted you got together.
Can you handle it when someone refuses to take their medicaton or see their gp when they urgently need to?
You become depressed yourself and are told you are not fun anymore.
You are expected to forgive them for everything they do when they are ill as they can't help it.

You don't have to leave him though. Do all the supporting you feel you need to, just don't live together and share finances. If his way is to opt out when things get overwhelming it's basically a Chrystal ball into a joined future with kids.

What you do with that information is up to you.

My DH has mental health issues and it comes in waves where there are months/years where it is fine and ticking by and then there are episodes where he is much worse. I find it very hard and frustrating when he is having a bad spell for all sorts of reasons - sad for him that he's having to go through such a dark time, frustrated for myself because I have to shoulder more than my fair share of keeping the house running and dealing with our two DC, angry about the situation and that I can't fix it for him...it goes on. All of those feelings are valid, even if you feel 'why me?'

What I would say is that if you're planning on living together it would be better if your DP gets some help if he hasn't seen a doctor yet. Signing off work and pretending it's covid won't work in the long run and if his mental health worsens and goes on for a while, he will need to be honest with his employer. CBT, counselling, medication and distractions (hobbies) are all really helpful things in alleviating some of the darkness of poor mental health if your DP isn't already exploring some of those avenues. It can really test how much you love someone though - living with someone with a mental health condition can be extremely difficult.

You can't fix it for them, or make them happy, but you can be there and provide support. I try and lessen the stress my DH has to go through (I worry about the food shop and if the bills are paid, etc) but there is a limit to what I can do without it becoming too much for me to handle. What is helpful for me though is that I can see that my DH tries really hard - he goes to therapy, he takes the tablets he's prescribed, he's honest with the doctor about how he's feeling and he's aware of the impact his mental health condition has on me to a point. He tries to help round the house and goes out to work or for a run because it can help the way he's feeling.

I won't sugar coat it though, living with someone with mental health issues can be incredibly hard, so I'd consider whether this is something you want to take on when you live together.

If it is only a case of taking a few days off sick twice a year, why are you building it up into such a big deal?

Would you do the same if he took a few days off sick in a year for flu and a stomach bug? Start talking about needing to fix him and him not helping himself? And it throwing your future into doubt?

Or would you just accept that humans have good patches and bad patches and move on? It's not a mental health problem to have normal low days each year, that's part of the human experience.

Maybe your reaction is the issue more than his behaviour. Why can't you just accept he's feeling low or anxious instead of trying to fix him or find some magic words to snap him out of it?

There's some massive projection going on here when you compare what the op has actually described to the past experiences pp's are bringing up.

I would run a mile. Sorry that’s my honest advice.

I’ve watched someone go through this and whilst I felt very sorry for the person with mh issues, I felt far worse for their partner. I’m sure some people cope and I know I’m being very harsh here, but I’d walk. Is this how you see your future?

I do feel that he needs to also want to help himself. He hasn't ever sought out therapy or anything like that.

OP this is crucial. Yes we should end the stigma around mental health but he needs to drive his own recovery.

Agree with others. Don't live with him or financially support him. Also, don't let him make your own life smaller. If you want to do things and go places don't be put off if he's not well enough to go with you.

You sound like you think he could just "realise this is real life" and choose to stop having a mh difficulty. That's as stupid as suggesting someone can just chose to stop having a broken leg.

You are making his health problem about you and your feelings.

That said, you are clearly fine to decide not to share finances, or even to decide his health problems mean you don't want to continue the relationship.