AIBU to feel frustrated at DP mental health?

[shrabso]

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible. DP has always struggled with mental health but it comes in waves. For a few months he can be fine and great and then it will hit again. He's currently going through one of those phases and I'm not sure what to do.

He said he feels very overwhelmed with work and drained and has lied to them saying he has COVID so he can take some time off without it going down as sickness (COVID doesn't count). I told him I don't think it's a good idea but he's gone ahead and done it anyway. I'm worried he will be found out for this and I just don't like the fact he's lied? Makes me almost question his character, but idk if that's unfair.

What worries me is that he says he's not bothered if he's not paid during this time as money is the last thing on his mind right now. We don't currently live together but are thinking of it in the next year or two and this attitude terrifies me. Yes he has security of his family atm, but what about when we live together? He can't just go taking days off and expecting all the burden to fall on me?

I also feel emotionally as though nothing I say is good enough, and it is so frustrating seeing the person you love so down and unmotivated when they are usually the opposite. I want to be kind and understanding but I also want him to realise this is real life and we have to learn to deal with these challenges together, not just lie to work to get a few days off when things get tough.

Any advice please? Has anyone been through anything similar?

“ However unpalatable it is to some posters, the real world involves dealing with looking at worst case scenarios, being prepared while hoping for the best.”

I imagine it’s a very sad existence living like this.

Would people say the same if op’s partner had a physical health condition that sometimes requires care and sometimes requires time off work? Would you tell her she was wasting her life with him? I suspect not.

Is he actually diagnosed or medicated or having some sort of therapy? Or does he get burnout every few months and decide he needs some time off to decompress?

Because they are very different things and the way he deals with them now will give you an indication of how he will deal with them when he has financial and family responsibilities.

If he won’t engage with professionals / stresses out for a week every month then I would seriously reconsider this relationship. Women unconsciously carry the can on so many things and you’ll be adding finances as well as keeping him mentally well to your own mental and physical loads.

If it’s the former,

(Ignore that last sentence, my phones playing up!)

@Mangogogogo

Would people say the same if op’s partner had a physical health condition that sometimes requires care and sometimes requires time off work? Would you tell her she was wasting her life with him? I suspect not.

I would definitely be advising caution if the putative partner refused to see the doctor for their physical condition, refused to consider appropriate medication, refused to engage with physiotherapy, or refused eg to make appropriate adaptations to the house to facilitate them and their partner having an easier, smoother family life.

Yes I have been in your shoes. In a relationship with a funny, brilliant, charasmatic man who suffered from depression - on the verge of moving in/marriage/next steps. Everyday I am thankful I walked away.

Being in a relationship with him was the most isolating and painful experience of my life. There was very little help for him, but there was absolutely NO help for me.

I think the comparisons to physical disabilities are very helpful. You have to consider that to some extent your options in life may always be impacted by his health, and the way he chooses to manage that.

If you love him, your life is better with him and you bring out the best in eachother then it may be worth the sacrifices. Only you can decide that. But if you stay, make sure you do it for YOU, not for him.

Ultimately your relationship does need to fulfill your own needs too. Please do not commit to this just to "be kind" "be supportive" or because you feel that's what you have to do because is unwell. You will end up resenting him, and you both deserve better than that.

The thing with mental health issues, especially depression and anxiety, is that the person really has to want to change. You could give him the kindest and most loving advice and tell him he’s worthy etc, but it will go in one ear and out the other unless he believes it himself. I can’t agree with the other posters saying you should leave him, though. I mean, if you really love him I feel that the guilt would be unbearable. Empathy and understanding is required here, rather than being overly concerned with money and his job. Everybody’s mental health comes before their work. Work is irrelevant if you’re not right within yourself. There’s already immense pressure on men to be the providers and not be emotional or show their feelings, so maybe try to put yourself in his shoes in that regard. If you were severely depressed, would you want to go to work? I can’t deny that some of what you are saying sounds quite selfish and as though you’re not being sympathetic enough. Not having a go, of course, it’s just that if you love somebody you would do anything just to make sure they’re okay (I know you’ve said everything you try feels pointless).
On the other hand, you shouldn’t be obligated to deal with someone else’s inner struggles. Has he tried therapy or some form of counselling? Have to agree with one person who said his issues should be his responsibility to deal with before getting into a relationship, but when you’re in it you can’t really fathom how much you’re affecting your loved ones because your pain is all you see. It’s kind of selfish, but without meaning to be I suppose.
Really sad to hear you’re going through this, though. I know it’s cliche, but it will get better!❤️

@Mangogogogo

Would people say the same if op’s partner had a physical health condition that sometimes requires care and sometimes requires time off work? Would you tell her she was wasting her life with him? I suspect not.

No, I disagree. Here's the differences:

Physical condition would be disclosed to work rather than requiring him to lie and act in a way that is not only dishonest, but also risky in terms of maintaining and keeping work. Similarly, as a disclosed disability, one would assume he would have certain protections etc at work.

A physical health condition would, one assume, require some kind of ongoing care and support. Regular physio therapy perhaps, appointments with doctors, a regime designed so support and help rather than make it difficult. I have a mild physical disability. If I go to the gym, the stationery bikes will, every single time, lead to my problem flaring up and me losing all movement on one side of my upper body. I therefore do NOT use stationery bikes at gym. Every single person I know with mental health struggles who takes a proactive approach has list of things they simply cannot do and a list of things they MUST do to help their mental health.

This is the problem with this "gotcha" argument. It says MH should have the same support and understanding as physical health conditions, with zero obligation by the person involved to actually put the effort in.

If we could disclose our mental health conditions to work, like we are supposed to be able to do without backlash, we would. But unfortunately it is never taken seriously! My job now is the only job I’ve ever had where the people above me genuinely wholeheartedly care about peoples mental health and I’m still so burned by what’s happened before that I can’t bring myself to tell the truth about it. My point is that a doctor can sign you off for mental health, therefore it should be an acceptable reason. But it isn’t apparently.
Your post seems a little like you think we can choose not to be mentally ill

Op think long and hard about what your future would be like. Add children and a mortgage to the mix, then add your dps way of how he's dealing with issues. I have a friend with a dh like yours. Started out same as your dp. 15 years down the line, he is still in and out of jobs, having periods of mh issues a year and guess what? She is holding it all down, kids, finances, all responsibilities, everything. She regrets not leaving back then but now she is stuck because of the children. Your dps attitude is frankly terrifying. He lies, doesn't go to work, isn't concerned about his financial responsibilities, Does not follow through therapies/medication. Is this someone you really, really can picture your life with?

@Mangogogogo

Would people say the same if op’s partner had a physical health condition that sometimes requires care and sometimes requires time off work? Would you tell her she was wasting her life with him? I suspect not.

As the person with the physical health condition - no, because I was the one going to work and earning the money, paying the bills, wondering what I'd walk back into every evening, crawling on the bedroom floor in the dark trying to track his socks down by smell alone to get them into the wash without waking him because he stayed up all night and slept all day, trying to stay awake all night as well in case he did something, getting woken up by him after 35 minutes sleep at 4.05am because he'd then decided he wanted to talk at me. And being treated to evenings of silence where he'd pretend to be asleep until he thought I had dropped off because I'd pointed out I was £2000 deep into an overdraft, it was the 3rd of the month and I couldn't pay all the bills all the time, much less pay my prescription charges so I was beginning to flare again.

And unsurprisingly enough, after so long of picking up everything, my physical health plummeted and I was dragged down too. But I still had to work. Because those bills wouldn't pay themselves. Which meant permanent physical damage was sustained.

Physical conditions seem to be take some paracetamol and use a tubigrip. But MH conditions always seem to be 'oh, don't be so mean to them'.

@firsttimemom99 Empathy and understanding is required here, rather than being overly concerned with money and his job. Everybody’s mental health comes before their work. Work is irrelevant if you’re not right within yourself. There’s already immense pressure on men to be the providers and not be emotional or show their feelings, so maybe try to put yourself in his shoes in that regard

The thing is, @shrabso is being empathetic. She’s looking at this from an emotional perspective, which is fine now, when they don’t live together - but what happens a mortgage and two kids down the line when her husband decides that he can’t work at all anymore and the financial burden falls completely to her? He’s already relinquishing his responsibility to even provide for himself.

It’s a fantasy to say that mental health is above all and work doesn’t matter at all, unless you’re of independent means. Most of us don’t have the luxury of simply jacking it all in - and let’s be honest, as I said in my previous post, most of this stuff falls to the female of the household to pick up anyway.

You’ve had some great advice here. Chief being - he needs to seek help. I adored my OH and thought kindness and empathy was all he needed - no. Adding kids to the mix was like a bomb going off. I ended up with no help overnight or at weekends because he needed his down time. I tried and tried and tried and had to hear him saying I was the baddie and stressing him out. In the end at rock bottom he got inpatient help but it was hell getting there. If love and empathy alone worked we would be fine. If he had a physical disability you wouldn’t move into a three storey house with steep steps. Moving in together while hoping empathy will do the trick is a steep set of stairs.

Do not merge finances. I have very deliberately kept DH and my finances separate, because he would bleed me dry if I let him. Not intentionally, but he has just taken 9 months off work for mental health reasons, this is by no means the first time or the shortest time he’s done this, and the only thing that has driven him back into employment is burning through his savings. Went to bed at 8pm tonight as a day of remote office work had exhausted him.

I already pay for everything for DS, and pay all the bills. And he is moaning that he hates work and just wants to spend his time at home going to the cinema. He does no housework, and DS is in ASC so no childcare. I would be murderous if I was also paying for his cinema trips through my overtime.

Whoever said mental health problems can make you selfish is absolutely right - DH isn’t this bad when his mental health is good (which is why we aren’t divorced), but you have to plan for when they are at their worst.

Thank you again to all the constructive posters, particularly to @housemaus for the long advice. I really appreciate it and it is so much more complicated than just LTB because as I said, we are often so happy and compatible that I don't want to throw that away for something DP didn't choose.

I have had a conversation with DP today after reflecting on this thread and I have asked him to consider the realities of if we were to live together and where the financial responsibility would lie etc. He was receptive and said he understands my concerns and does not want me to feel responsible for him.

He will be back to work on Monday and he says he genuinely feels like this reset is what he needs. He has said that if he still feels the way he does next week that he will reach out to a therapist or at the very least go back to his GP (who he has spoken to before might I add).

I do think my DP is very brave as he has been able to open up to me about the way he feels and I feel happy that we have that sort of relationship as I know many don't. However I'm not blind to how his MH issues will affect me and it's something I'm willing to accept and support him with, provided he sticks to his end of the bargain and does reach out for professional help should this continue. I totally agree with PP who say he needs to want help, and I am fully aware that I can't "fix" him.

Those saying has he actually been diagnosed with a MH condition, yes he has been diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression. The anxiety seems to be subsiding for the moment but the depression is what I assume is currently affecting him.

We have a year or so before thinking about moving in together properly so I'm going to continue to support him as I have been but make sure I pay attention to him engaging with MH services and actively seeking help.

I think that’s a sensible approach @shrabso. I expect it was a bit of a shock reading some of these posts, but I hope they help you both through this.

Just to counter my earlier posts - there’s nothing to suggest you can’t have anything other than a long happy life together, it just behooves any woman to think long and hard about the years down the line!

Good luck!

Its about risk isn't it, how big is the risk?

I work in this field. Part of me wonders if he's a bit feckless, living at home, bit stressed, thinks he'll pull a Dickie for a few days off. I know it's not true, but some people throw around a diagnosis they dont have, 'oh I'm a bit OCD, I've got bipolar' when they haven't been diagnosed or even seen.

Some people definitely have MH needs tho, and that cant be denied.

But does this guy genuinely?

And then the risk bit - if he does, what is he doing about them?

I have seen many who wont take any action to make their lives better. Me, I'd be off if that were the case. I'm lucky not to have ever been diagnosed with anything but I have certainly had my troubles in life, and I realized I needed to get a grip pretty quickly. I could not stomach someone who doesn't know, isn't prepared to find out and will happily let go of their grip on life. I have seen too many people go over that cliff edge thinking something or someone will save them, and it doesn't happen, they're just in a worse situation after that.

Assess the risk. And he factors into his own risk. And so do you (into your own) xxx

If he has got to the stage when he’s lying to work and can’t face going in then he needs to seek help ASAP. Unless he’s lying to you and using MH reasons as an excuse for getting off work. Either way something needs to change.

I think this is a very personal thing. I have ptsd and associated depression and anxiety. I have taken 3 weeks off work in 10 years!

Money most likely is the last thing on his mind, it’s probably been relegated by just trying to make it to the end of the day.

I don’t think you’re ever cured from MH issues, you learn coping strategies, sometimes it’s more active than others.

I rarely need support from my Wonderful DH but when I do he saves my life.

Any relationship is balance, no one is perfect, it depends what imperfections you can live with.

But he needs to have a plan on how he’s going to develop coping strategies (I’m not a fan of medications personally) the only person who can do this is him

Totally get this !
sudden similar position myself and after the shock and trying to help him I am so relieved to have my financial independence for the sake of me and my kids. We had spoken about moving in / marriage in the future but no way wouldno
jeopardse my family ‘s stability ( we are both divorced )