AIBU to feel frustrated at DP mental health?

[shrabso]

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible. DP has always struggled with mental health but it comes in waves. For a few months he can be fine and great and then it will hit again. He's currently going through one of those phases and I'm not sure what to do.

He said he feels very overwhelmed with work and drained and has lied to them saying he has COVID so he can take some time off without it going down as sickness (COVID doesn't count). I told him I don't think it's a good idea but he's gone ahead and done it anyway. I'm worried he will be found out for this and I just don't like the fact he's lied? Makes me almost question his character, but idk if that's unfair.

What worries me is that he says he's not bothered if he's not paid during this time as money is the last thing on his mind right now. We don't currently live together but are thinking of it in the next year or two and this attitude terrifies me. Yes he has security of his family atm, but what about when we live together? He can't just go taking days off and expecting all the burden to fall on me?

I also feel emotionally as though nothing I say is good enough, and it is so frustrating seeing the person you love so down and unmotivated when they are usually the opposite. I want to be kind and understanding but I also want him to realise this is real life and we have to learn to deal with these challenges together, not just lie to work to get a few days off when things get tough.

Any advice please? Has anyone been through anything similar?

I think the issue is whether or not he is doing enough to help himself to manage his mental health. Frankly, if all he needs is a few days off work once or twice a year, then the long term trick is to ensure that this can be paid for (many places I've worked have allowed people to "buy" additional leave, for example, through salary sacrifice).

If it's far more significant and he's off work for weeks/months at a time, then what is he DOING about it?

Any health condition, mental or physical, deserves sympathy and support.But a person who makes no effort to MANAGE their health condition is a problem. DH suffers terribly with hay fever. For the first few years of our relationship and marriage, it meant that I had to put up with him being extremely unpleasant and bad tempered for 8 weeks every year because he refused to be proactive in managing it. Once DC came along, I told him I couldn't cope with that any more and, to his credit, he finally sought proper help. Even now, I'm not sure he understands how important that was to me.

OP I think it's very crucial that he's never had therapy. He doesn't even have to WANT to do it. In the midst of depression it all seems futile so you think therapy will never work anyway. BUT he has to be willing to try - somehow. How would he react if you sought out a therapist for him and strongly pressured him to attend?

I want to be kind and understanding but I also want him to realise this is real life and we have to learn to deal with these challenges together, not just lie to work to get a few days off when things get tough

Honestly, I think this is very harsh - there's a reason doctors can sign people off with MH reasons, not everybody can just power through when they're in that place.

I've suffered with anxiety as long as I can remember, I've been on and off medication for it and had therapy a couple of times, the first being when I was 16/17. However, I always made it to work. A lot of the time when I was suffering badly I'd be running on empty while there but I always made it. I'll be honest and say I used to have the opinion that people should just get on and do it, that it's hard but it's possible. That was until I became badly depressed a few years ago now - I struggled to get out of bed, I could barely drag myself in for a shower never mind to work. It was the first and only time I'd been signed off work, there was no way I could have went in. I only got SSP, sometimes your health is more important than work/money.
I managed to get out of it eventually, with help of my friends/family and Doctor at the time who was amazing. I'd tried to go to the doctor many times before that and froze every time due to also having the anxiety.
Having been through that completely changed my mindset to work when it comes to your MH - it's something you can only truly really understand when you've been that bad yourself.

Depression is a selfish illness OP but it doesn't make your Partner selfish. That also doesn't mean you should feel obligated to stay with him. It isn't an easy thing to deal with and there is nothing wrong with not being able to/not wanting to stay. It will have an affect on you too as much as he tries for it not to.

If you do want to stay with him, have a serious discussion before living together. You say it affects him a few times a year, I'd be discussing with him that he needs to save during the rest of the year so that if he does need time off the full financial responsibility isn't falling to you.
It can be hard going to a Doctor as well, it took me a long time to be in a place where I felt able to. Especially as it only happens a few times a year for him, medication doesn't sound like the best answer to me. I definitely think he would benefit with councilling throughout the year though to try keep the feelings at bay and techniques for how to cope with that when he feels it starting to hopefully prevent it

One of the best things I heard recently from a friend who struggles with their mental health was "My mental health problems are not my fault but they are my responsibility". If your partner won't do the work to take care of their mental health then I'd be concerned that they won't step up to shoulder other responsibilities.

Thank you for the kind and helpful comments so far. For those of you saying I'm mean and not understanding, I can assure you it's not the case. I have also suffered with my MH over the years and I do know what it feels like to be feeling so low.

The only issue I have is how selfish it can make DP, which I know is not his fault, but as others have pointed out it doesn't make that any easier on me.

Regarding the twice a year comment, perhaps that was a little generous, but it's hard to tell really because of changes due to the pandemic. My point was that he isn't always like this but a few times a year it does happen. DP is very sensible with money in that he has quite a lot of savings so I'm not too worried for taking the odd day off here and there, it's more that I don't want it to become a habit. I also know being at home and staying in bed does make him feel worse in the end which is why I want to encourage him to go out.

Run.

Run like hell, op. You will regret it if you don't. At the very minimum don't be foolish enough to move in with him or share finances.

In response to some other comments.. me and my partner have an equal partnership and he does not have to bear the burden of anything other than supporting me through episodes and support with financiers during these times. I know it’s probably hard for him but people here are making out I’ve ruined his life! The majority of the time we have fun, laugh, do fun things, do boring things together, see friends etc etc just like ‘normal’ people! I mean I can’t be certain obviously but I don’t think he regrets his life with me and to say that is quite upsetting actually.

I didn’t choose to be bipolar. I didn’t have an abusive childhood and I didn’t take drugs until I already had bipolar, barely even drank. It just happened and it could happen to anyone.

OP, I do get you and you sound understanding but annoyed, which is fine! You have feelings too and you’re allowed to feel frustrated. Do you also have access to support? There are support groups and things now for people in your position because as a society we’ve noticed there are other people who suffer when someone is having a MH episode. It took me a little while but I did seek help so I completely understand why you’d be irritated at him not trying to get help! This might not work for everyone but my partner encourages me to get out too when I’m down and I probably don’t show my gratitude at the time but I’m so grateful he does this, so I think you’re doing fantastic.

My DH has had quite significant mental illness in the time we've been together, including almost a year where he didn't (couldn't) work.

He also has the tendency to go in on himself when he's not well, rather than approach it together - understandably, as there's little I can actually do to help.

I'm not saying I'd recommend it 100% - it's been hard work and I've had my own health issues at other times, so he's had to repay the favour and then some! - but our relationship is absolutely worth it.

My practical tips if you want to know how we make it work:

1. He gets a counsellor, a men's group, a sport he plays weekly, a Dungeons & Dragons group, anything. Something that means you're not his sole source of mental support. Even - especially - if you feel he isn't actually speaking to you about things right now, because you'll end up trying to second guess how he is all the time and it'll consume you. It is not your responsibility. He needs to find things in his life that support him that aren't you.

1. Get good at communicating. He seems able to tell you when he's not doing well and what he's doing about it (even if you're not keen on him taking off work, etc) - you also need to be good at communicating when you're concerned, scared, worried etc. If you pretend you're fine all the time because you feel his issues take priority you'll end up resentful or exhausted. Tell him - "I'm worried you taking off work long term isn't sustainable as a solution - have you considered going back to the GP/getting therapy/speaking to your manager honestly" etc. Tell him "When you're not well, I feel [anxious/scared/like I don't know what to do/whatever] and want to know how to help.". Tell him "I need support with X", or "When you're not well and I need support on something, how do we find a middle ground between our needs". I remember an early explosive row with DH (the only proper, shouting crying blowout we've ever had, but it was needed) because I was EXHAUSTED trying to seem fine for him, worried sick about his health, my own emotional needs weren't being met and I was just sniping at him constantly without saying what I felt. I snapped and told him how I was feeling, feeling awful the whole time for not being able to hold it together, and he was able to say - no, I'm not alright but that doesn't mean you just have to lose your shit in silence, how do we fix X Y and Z right now? And we learned slowly to both be able to communicate what our needs are, and let the other person decide what they can handle - rather than assuming they can't handle something (or can).

1. Decide your boundaries and expectations of each other. Is 'showing no sign of engaging with treatment' where you need to draw the line? Is it 'does nothing to help himself'? Know them, communicate them (kindly).

1. Depending how far into the relationship you are, talk honestly about plans for things like being unable to work, a longer period of illness, etc. I wish DH and I had done this (and made provisions for it in advance!), but if you move into a shared flat and he (or you, of course) becomes too ill to work for a period or loses his job as a result, what will the expectation be? How will you cope financially?

1. Discuss where you are and aren't expected/wanted/allowed to get involved. Is he comfortable with you saying, "You're not seeming well, it looks like it's time to [insert his Brain's Getting Worse action plan]"? Does he want you to let him figure it out on his own? Are you happy with this? DH is very good now at communicating when he's not feeling good but for a long time I would be watching and wondering whether I should suggest going back to the doctor etc or whether that was me overstepping, and worrying whether or not I wasn't doing enough etc.

This sounds so bleak and it's not at all - DH and I are very, very happy and I love him so much, he just has a brain that goes on the blink sometimes. The stuff we put in place when he was ill helped massively when I was ill (physically, but it affected my MH a lot) a couple of years later when he had to do a lot for me and it's made us better communicators and very close and in tune with each other as a result. In many ways it's actually improved our relationship!

I would run a mile. Sorry that’s my honest advice.

Wow. That's really not helpful and a horrible attitude to mental illness. I really hope you or a loved one never has to suffer with it tbf...

OP,

If you move in with him, his MH will be the 3rd person in your relationship and will dominate everything and come before e everything.

If you want a parent/child dynamic, then move in with him and be the lead adult in the relationship.

That is EXACTLY what you will be signing up for.

If that is what you are happy to settle for, well and good.

@billy1966

OP,

If you move in with him, his MH will be the 3rd person in your relationship and will dominate everything and come before e everything.

If you want a parent/child dynamic, then move in with him and be the lead adult in the relationship.

That is EXACTLY what you will be signing up for.

If that is what you are happy to settle for, well and good.

Hahahhaahahaha what the hell are people spouting on here. My partner doesn’t act like my dad, nor do I treat him like my dad. Bizarre. I think I might need to bow out of this thread 😬

He's not caring about money because his family are picking up the tab.

If you move in together, it'll be you picking up the tab and he won't want to trouble his head about such trivialities. And if it got to the stage that you lost your home, he'd trip off back to his parents whilst you're left trying to put yourself and your life back together again.

Don't do it.

Well this entire thread is fucked up. It's no wonder people like me and Mangogogo can't get the help we so desperately need when so many people think like this. I've been with my DH for 20 years and he's gone through so much with me ending with me being too unwell to really ever work and he's never resented me for it and has always supported. He's certainly not my fucking parent either nor does he have to act like it.

Every time there's a MH thread on here that isn't the OP suffering I end up feeling so hopeless. It's obvious very few people understand or want to understand MH issues.

I have MH issues. If he is prepared to get help then it’s workable. If he just expects you to suck it up and suffer along with him? Then leave. You can’t fix him.

@Goldenhedgehogs

I have been married 20 years and for the last year my husband has had serious anxiety and depression meaning extensive time off work. We had a good twenty years of happy marriage but this last year has put a terrible strain on things and nearly broke us up. The anxiety makes him selfish and it is exhausting and caring for him was making my mental health dip plus the financial strain. In your shoes I would end the relationship as otherwise you are in for a long hard slog at life.

What Goldenhedhogs says - except we've been together a shorter time. The year when my husband had anxiety and depression was the hardest year of our lives. It nearly finished me never mind him.

The only reason I stayed was because he took control of his health, took medication, managed his diet, got counselling etc.

If he hadn't done those things I wouldn't have stayed.

I'm not saying that someone with anxiety issues can't be in a relationship or can't be supported, but it's horribly difficult and they need to be able to do the things that can help them through it.

DD has MH issues and it has nearly finished me. As well as DH. I would not do it for anyone who wasn't my child. Nobody talks about the huge effect on the caregiver. Or how selfish depressed people can be.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

He's not caring about money because his family are picking up the tab.

If you move in together, it'll be you picking up the tab and he won't want to trouble his head about such trivialities. And if it got to the stage that you lost your home, he'd trip off back to his parents whilst you're left trying to put yourself and your life back together again.

Don't do it.

Do you want a stepladder to help you make that reach?

OP said her partner has decent savings - why would you assume his family are picking up the tab or,, for that matter, that he would just 'trip back off to his parents'?

I find it odd (and profoundly irritating) that people are at such pains to talk about people with depression being selfish in a way they don't with people who manage the symptoms of physical illnesses.

My oldest friend has a chronic physical health condition - her and her husband's entire lives are set up to manage that condition. Where they live (within distance of specialist hospital, requiring him to change jobs), what activities they do, where they go on holiday, how much she can do round the house, how much she requires of him vs the other way round, how much he supports them financially. Nobody has (as far as I know) ever considered her selfish - she has a condition, it has to be managed, it's not selfish that those are her needs.

Much like a depressed person might need to take a few days to themself when they're ill overriding the want or need of their partner to spend time together, or be unable to do housework meaning their partner picks up the slack - which would no doubt be seen as selfish - she sometimes has to tell her husband he has to pick up the housework and do everything, or tell him he can't go away with work because she's physically unable to cope without him, etc.

Depressed people are seen as selfish because 'I can't do X Y Z because of my brain' isn't taken seriously where 'I can't do X Y Z because of my lungs (or whatever)' is. It's nonsense, and shows a real lack of understanding of how debilitating mental illness can be.

I'm not saying anyone should have to stay with a partner who has any condition that requires them to pick up a lot more of the slack should that be something they don't want for themselves. But if OP had posted, my partner has [physical condition] I bet there'd be far fewer people assuming he was going to be a terrible, selfish partner who'll run back off to his parents after causing him and OP to lose their house.

There’s a distinct sense here that people think op and some pp’s are blaming the DP for having MH difficulties. It doesn’t read like that to me at all-I see the problem being that he refuses to put things in place to help himself while he is struggling.
The PP above got it right with "My mental health problems are not my fault but they are my responsibility”.

I thought I would add my own experience. I have been married for 16+ years. My husband has long standing MH problems. I would say that whilst parts of others' posts I can relate to (e.g. about taking on the mental load, childcare, work and arranging medical appointments!), that it has been totally worth it. The mental health is a part of him, but he is also so creative and can be incredibly funny, and I have never connected with anyone like I do with him. There have been extremely tough times and unfortunately the NHS has not been much help at all. Changing lifestyle and work life balance has helped, along with having very clear boundaries in place. My eyes have been opened well and truly, and I am a far more understanding person now than in the past. I find some of the comments very depressing, and unfortunately the attitude in some of the posts is reflected in society and is part of the problem for those with mental health problems. Whilst the relationship is not equal in every aspect, overall it is very balanced. One thing I will say though, is never believe that you can save someone from their problems. There may be times you need to disconnect a bit and do your own thing while they are down, or whatever. I have to be strict with myself to not get drawn in sometimes, and I don't always manage it. I have got better with practice though! And I know I can be a pain at times too- we all can!

The OP's DH wont get therapy. That would be a dealbreaker for me. Even my DD manages that.

It’s hard with depression because when the black dog descends you are too unmotivated to deal with it and when it lifts you kind of forget how bad you felt so think you don’t need a doctor. This, and the fact that a lot of people feel shame that they are struggling mentally means that many people don’t ask for the help they need. If I were you OP I would not give up on your DP, but I would definitely hold off moving in with him until he gets the help he needs. Talk to him when he’s in a better state of mind and tell him truthfully how it affects and worries you when he’s down and push him, and give him an ultimatum if needs be, to see his GP.

@MrsWooster agree.

However unpalatable it maybe for some posters to read, there is a MASSIVE difference between a person with health issues who accepts help, medication and helps themselves and someone who refuses.

The latter are tedious and tend to drag those around them down with them.

Life can be hard enough without starting out a life together already doing the heavy lifting with someone who is slow to help themselves.

If the OP ever had hope to have a family, she ought to think long and hard about who would provide financially and be the main stability in a family with one partner unable to work at times with MH problems.

Women invariably do the overwhelming majority of the caring/mental load with children, so it would be unbelievably naive not to give this some honest thought.

However unpalatable it is to some posters, the real world involves dealing with looking at worst case scenarios, being prepared while hoping for the best.

Just jumping straight in and thinking love will get us through it, is unrealistic.

Marriage, children, providing and paying for a home has never, ever been more challenging.

Thinking it will be anything but difficult with a partner who has regular periods out of work is madness.

He is very lucky to have a supportive family.
No doubt living off them with minimal rent has helped with his savings.

Will the OP be happy to be starting out sharing costs with someone who several times a year may not work?

There is nothing wrong with self preservation and being brutally honest with yourself about what your hopes and expectations are for the future.

After all, it will be the OP that will be left with it all on her shoulders if things go wrong.
She needs to be prepared for that in her choices.

My ExH anxiety and depression caused me to have the same.When I left him I was fine.Go figure.