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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overthinking This?

57 replies

ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 06:42

This has been clogging up my brain for a few weeks now and so I would appreciate a hive mind.

Recently, I had a big birthday. Didn't plan loads as I wasn't sure whether we would end up locked down again.
DH was meant to organise something though. So he planned a dinner at home for a small group of immediately close by friends.

A few older mates had to drop out due to positive tests and one became a Gran which was fine. Left a smaller group of newer friends from the last few years.

I'm not a massive drinker. I don't mind a drink I'm not boring but I can tell when I've had my limit and am happy to stop. I know that that's me though and not everyone has that same attitude.

What was meant to be a nice dinner party was rudely interrupted by booze.

Most of us had a nice evening, with lovely food and a bit of music.

One of the group got very messy drunk- I think she did a bottle of wine, then did 3/4 of a bottle of vodka too.

Now, that's her funeral. I was embarrassed for her and her poor partner who was tipsy but she was a state and far too old to get that way. It was a bit teenager at an adults party.

What has annoyed me is I had moved away from the dinner table as she was being loud and most of us were in the living room (living room and dining room are one big room which we've kind of separated using a shelving unit but you can see the table and the room on that side).

DH was tidying up and as he walked back into the dining room, she grabs him and says he should dance with her. DH obliges whilst giggling. She starts getting louder so we are all watching by now.

She then starts really grinding on him and put her hands on his arse. DH is looking at me over her shoulder, clearly uncomfortable and like "help". He moves her away but she grabbed him again and tried to move his hands on her arse

At that point, DH manages to swerve her and her partner told her to sit down. I'm sitting there in shock that she would behave like that and really fuming- that's my husband, you're in my house!

I made an excuse to go check on my teen (who is 17 so obviously didn't need checking on) and I then stayed upstairs I was so annoyed with the intention of calming down and going back down stairs.

Within about 10 minutes everyone left. I think everyone felt embarrassed. I know one of the group told me he was really embarrassed for DH and me as she acted so inappropriately. She was really trying to instigate something with DH whilst I'm sitting there.

I now don't feel comfortable being around her. We are meant to see her and her partner and others in the group quite regularly but I've avoided bumping into her since. Only one person from the dinner has voiced an opinion so I don't know whether the rest find that acceptable. It wasn't that type of party for starters. It was a dinner party. It wasn't like we were all up dancing and drunk.

DH thinks I'm over reacting as she was smashed on vodka. But as I said to him, how would he have felt watching me dance like that with a supposed male friend? Or if a male had of grabbed my arse?

He admitted he felt uncomfortable but took it as banter. But said if it was me he would've been cross.

Should I put it down to drunken behaviour?

OP posts:
BritInUS1 · 05/04/2022 06:46

I wouldn't miss out on group things because of it but wouldn't go out with them on my own

She made an arse of herself don't let it ruin your friendship group

When you all go out just keep your distance

Mumdiva99 · 05/04/2022 06:46

Yes. If you are.usually good friends then put it down to the vodka. If you are really good friends surely you can tell her she went a bit too far. No point falling out with her over.

Shoxfordian · 05/04/2022 06:47

She’s probably very embarrassed or just doesn’t even remember it if she was that drunk tbh

If you don’t see her much just the two of you then just give a swerve a bit at bigger events for now

GeneLovesJezebel · 05/04/2022 06:50

Unfortunately I’m the sort of person to hold a grudge, so I’d probably not speak to her and absolutely avoid her.
But you shouldn’t let her drunken behaviour spoil future social events. Hopefully she is ashamed of herself and will not do it again. If not, and she does something similar again, I suggest you all drop them from your group.

MayBMaybenot · 05/04/2022 06:58

I think you are over thinking it. She had far too much to drink and made an idiot of herself as a result. It happens. I'm sure her partner has let her know how she behaved, even if she claims not to remember. I certainly wouldn't be allowing this incident to spoil and otherwise close friendship group. She's probably embarrassed as hell and glad you're avoiding her to save her blushes!

Pyri · 05/04/2022 07:00

I really wouldn’t care about this!

Original poster
ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 07:04

The thing is, we get on but she's not a great friend, she's more part of the circle but not someone I would confide in. I've only known her about three years, her partner is better known to me and DH.

I have gone to things where I know she won't be but I kind of don't think I will be able to not comment if she said anything about DH again.

I've no concerns that he would ever encourage her or reciprocate or worse, but yeah, it made me feel like, that was just really weird of her drunk or not and she is on reflection quite a flirt.

I don't think it would've bother me if it was just dancing. It was the grinding and hands on arse that miffed me the most

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 05/04/2022 07:06

I would be following other half's lead on this. If he's ok then I would carry on as normal but possibly avoid her if possible when out with group.

Wilkolampshade · 05/04/2022 07:20

Hang on, she had a whole bottle of wine to herself, then an additional three-quarters of a bottle of vodka? So 50cl of vodka? She was a bit more than messy drunk OP.
I drink, and way too much. But even I would baulk at that. The bottle of wine, in context, fine. 3/4 bottle of vodka in addition? - not so much.
Look. She was way, way beyond control at that, and probably doesn't even remember it. But she may have bigger issues than grabbing yr DH.

Original poster
ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 07:22

OK thanks all

I think I will be keeping a very close eye on her though around DH. Any sign of further dancing and I will say something.

OP posts:
marqueses · 05/04/2022 07:44

It sounds like drunken behaviour tht she might not even remember

A bit OTT to be so shocked imo

Antarcticant · 05/04/2022 07:51

I think she did a bottle of wine, then did 3/4 of a bottle of vodka too.

I'm surprised she was still conscious. A bottle of wine, no problem but 3/4 of a bottle of vodka on top would floor most people I should think.

Original poster
ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 07:52

Yeah she has quite the ability to drink, I would have been sick drinking a quarter of that.

But she has form for someone who can drink to a silly amount. I may hide the booze next time

OP posts:
Original poster
ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 07:55

I just think it doesn't help that when a closer friend who lives away asked how it went I told her and she said she was horrified and would've got angry and asked her to leave. I felt like maybe I should've done that?
Her partner is lovely! I met him first way before her.

It's that only one of these there has said anything afterwards, perhaps out of embarrassment, and she has said nothing nor has her partner and we saw him a few days later.

OP posts:
SerendipityJane · 05/04/2022 08:01

Sorry: In vino veritas - never wrong.

inappropriateraspberry · 05/04/2022 08:03

YABU. She got really drunk and embarrassed herself. Your prissy attitude is awful. It was a birthday celebration and there haven't been many social occasions lately. She got carried away and was a bit silly, but no real harm done. She didn't try to kiss or sleep with anyone, just a bit of silly dancing.
Maybe you could have asked her other half to take her home, but I'm by sure she's very embarrassed by her actions and would rather not talk about it. If she isn't usually flirty with other people's husbands, I really wouldn't waste your energy stewing over this. It really is a non-event.

KimCheese · 05/04/2022 08:03

I don't disagree that she was inappropriate, but I think you have to chalk it up to the booze and move on.

I do think your OP is a little judgemental though, are you not that fond of her anyway?

OldWivesTale · 05/04/2022 08:11

I'd find it hilarious if somebody did it to my dh to be honest. Why do you care? It's not as though your dh was encouraging it and joining in. She was just pissed and being silly.

OldWivesTale · 05/04/2022 08:13

Also, your friend who said she would ask her to leave must be an extremely insecure person or have an untrustworthy husband. That would be a huge overreaction.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 05/04/2022 08:22

Tbh it sounds like she has a problem with alcohol. I doubt she has designs on your dh, and as others have said, might not even remember what she did.
If you trust your dh I don't see the issue, although very drunk people are a liability and, quite frankly, boring. I wouldn't blame you for keeping a bit of distance, unless your really prepared to help her, I'd imagine she has a lot of issues.
I once had a friend like this (probably worse) who was always the most drunk. She got nasty drunk and would have a go at people or even pick fights with strangers, I couldn't cope with being her friend and walked away from it all, she's still like it now by all accounts, it's sad really because it's obvious she's got a real issue but anyone close to her is too scared to say anything so she just continues, she's no spring chicken either!

Aprilx · 05/04/2022 08:28

I think going upstairs when you had guests downstairs is really bad behaviour, worse than hers in some ways. I think it is you that cleared the house rather than her. We have all seen somebody drink too much, I have never been at a dinner party where the host has flounced off.

I would have laughed at somebody dancing embarrassingly with my husband.

Notarealmum · 05/04/2022 08:35

Perhaps in her drunken haze she didn’t realise who she was dancing with? 😳

Original poster
ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 08:39

I went upstairs as I was quite taken aback by it. I saw that DH felt uncomfortable, and she was trying to grab him again, and her partner didn't do much either.

She is a flirt, I've always felt before like some people just are naturally and thought nothing of it.

I hadn't planned on staying upstairs for the record. We had finished dinner and apart from her it was winding down anyway, we hadn't intended into be a late one as it wasn't a proper full on birthday party (I'm planning something later in the year for that for all the big occasions missed due to the pandemic), and no one has said anything about it other than one friend who said they were horrified with her behaviour and she needs to sort it out.

Am I keen on her anyway? Probably not. I'm a couple of years younger but she does act a lot younger than her age and mine. My party animal days are behind me as I can't be bothered getting hungover or sick when I have teens in the house who are probably not that far off going out and being silly. It was meant to be a nice calm evening with good food.

Dancing I can turn a blind eye to, he's danced with people before and that's fine. But this was a floor show, the whooping and grinding and stuff went too far and she overstepped. I didn't like that we all felt uncomfortable by it.

I do think her drinking is an issue. It's not the first time she's gotten in a state, at Christmas we were all ill but some of the same group got together and apparently she fell through a hedge and a cabbie wouldn't take her so her and her partner had to walk quite a distance home.

I think a wide berth is needed. Ive no concerns of DH doing anything with her but it's not my thing to be around people who behave like that in someone's home.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 05/04/2022 08:42

She got too drunk and embarrassed herself. Her husband will likely have told her this. Avoiding her, disappearing upstairs and not wanting to continue the friendship seems quite a strong reaction to someone overdoing it on a night out. You don't seem too keen on her anyway so continue to socialise as a group but maybe don't do anything with just her if she's not your cup of tea.

Original poster
ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 08:49

We've not had an opportunity to see her since, but I know we will as the group meets up regularly for meals and to see hands and stuff.

I don't get why it's seen as an overreaction to feel someone's behaviour of getting drunk like that and the actions that happened due to that have made me cool towards her?
Imagine if a male did that, got drunk and felt someone's wife up? I don't think I would be seen as over reacting then on MNs usual standards?

OP posts: