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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overthinking This?

57 replies

ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 06:42

This has been clogging up my brain for a few weeks now and so I would appreciate a hive mind.

Recently, I had a big birthday. Didn't plan loads as I wasn't sure whether we would end up locked down again.
DH was meant to organise something though. So he planned a dinner at home for a small group of immediately close by friends.

A few older mates had to drop out due to positive tests and one became a Gran which was fine. Left a smaller group of newer friends from the last few years.

I'm not a massive drinker. I don't mind a drink I'm not boring but I can tell when I've had my limit and am happy to stop. I know that that's me though and not everyone has that same attitude.

What was meant to be a nice dinner party was rudely interrupted by booze.

Most of us had a nice evening, with lovely food and a bit of music.

One of the group got very messy drunk- I think she did a bottle of wine, then did 3/4 of a bottle of vodka too.

Now, that's her funeral. I was embarrassed for her and her poor partner who was tipsy but she was a state and far too old to get that way. It was a bit teenager at an adults party.

What has annoyed me is I had moved away from the dinner table as she was being loud and most of us were in the living room (living room and dining room are one big room which we've kind of separated using a shelving unit but you can see the table and the room on that side).

DH was tidying up and as he walked back into the dining room, she grabs him and says he should dance with her. DH obliges whilst giggling. She starts getting louder so we are all watching by now.

She then starts really grinding on him and put her hands on his arse. DH is looking at me over her shoulder, clearly uncomfortable and like "help". He moves her away but she grabbed him again and tried to move his hands on her arse

At that point, DH manages to swerve her and her partner told her to sit down. I'm sitting there in shock that she would behave like that and really fuming- that's my husband, you're in my house!

I made an excuse to go check on my teen (who is 17 so obviously didn't need checking on) and I then stayed upstairs I was so annoyed with the intention of calming down and going back down stairs.

Within about 10 minutes everyone left. I think everyone felt embarrassed. I know one of the group told me he was really embarrassed for DH and me as she acted so inappropriately. She was really trying to instigate something with DH whilst I'm sitting there.

I now don't feel comfortable being around her. We are meant to see her and her partner and others in the group quite regularly but I've avoided bumping into her since. Only one person from the dinner has voiced an opinion so I don't know whether the rest find that acceptable. It wasn't that type of party for starters. It was a dinner party. It wasn't like we were all up dancing and drunk.

DH thinks I'm over reacting as she was smashed on vodka. But as I said to him, how would he have felt watching me dance like that with a supposed male friend? Or if a male had of grabbed my arse?

He admitted he felt uncomfortable but took it as banter. But said if it was me he would've been cross.

Should I put it down to drunken behaviour?

OP posts:
Original poster
ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 08:50

*bands sorry

OP posts:
Pyri · 05/04/2022 08:57

You sound pretty obsessed with how people “should” act for their age

Creamcrackersandricecakes · 05/04/2022 08:59

You're not overreacting.
And you're absolutely spot on about the usual MN double standards bullshit. If the sexes were reversed in this situation and someone was posting that their friend's husband had got totally shitfaced and groped their arse whilst grinding against them, the thread would be full of people telling her she'd been sexually assaulted and should never have anything to do with him again. Typical cool wife crap.

Thymeout · 05/04/2022 09:02

If she was that drunk, she could have grabbed any man who came within reach. The best way to go is not to take it personally. It could have been any of the husbands.

Making an issue of it being your husband makes it more of a thing. People will be looking at you to see your reaction, as if she really does have a crush on him rather than being off her head with booze and not knowing what she was doing.

If she's never made a play for him in the past, isn't that the most likely explanation?

Stompythedinosaur · 05/04/2022 09:05

She sounds drunk and irritating, but my guess is that everyone left because the host had huffed off upstairs and not come back, rather than because of the drunk woman.

I wouldn't invite her again. And I would have said something more overt if she was making your partner uncomfortable, as it sounds like he could have done with a hand.

inappropriateraspberry · 05/04/2022 09:06

You seem really uptight OP, and bloody miserable!
As for double standards, if a man did it to me, or a friend, I hold tell him where to go. Your husband could easily have told her to stop and/or walked away from her.

DoWhatYouLike · 05/04/2022 09:08

If it were me, I'd avoid her like the Plague, but still meet up with the others in the group.

gannett · 05/04/2022 09:14

Well she was inappropriate and embarrassed herself but I don't really see what your dilemma is. You're not that close to her in the first place so just keep her at a civil distance, see her in group settings but don't go out of your way to get closer. This doesn't require any more action on your part.

FollowTheLizards · 05/04/2022 09:15

I don't get why it's seen as an overreaction to feel someone's behaviour of getting drunk like that and the actions that happened due to that have made me cool towards her?

I don't think it is. It was your celebration in your home and she made a scene. She owes you and your DH an apology. Even if she can't remember what she did, I'm sure her husband or one of the other guests would have mentioned it to her. It's just embarrassing for a middle aged person not know their limits and get that drunk in a friend's home. If she wanted to have a wild night out, she should have saved it for the pub or nightclub where people could easily get away from her when she started behaving like a nob.

KimCheese · 05/04/2022 09:19

@Pyri

You sound pretty obsessed with how people “should” act for their age
Agreed. Or is it just women of a certain age?
sillysmiles · 05/04/2022 09:22

I went upstairs as I was quite taken aback by it. I saw that DH felt uncomfortable, and she was trying to grab him again, and her partner didn't do much either.

I don't get why you didn't go "help" you DH, make a joke of it but get her to take her hands of him when he was clearly uncomfortable.

I'd expect my husband to "help" me out in that kind of situation.

HellToTheNope · 05/04/2022 09:23

I would tell her how unimpressed I was with her behaviour. With any luck she'll stop socialising with the group and would be rid of her. She sounds very tedious.

Original poster
ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 09:25

@Stompythedinosaur

She sounds drunk and irritating, but my guess is that everyone left because the host had huffed off upstairs and not come back, rather than because of the drunk woman.

I wouldn't invite her again. And I would have said something more overt if she was making your partner uncomfortable, as it sounds like he could have done with a hand.

I didn't "huff upstairs". I calmly said "I'm just going to see what teen is doing, they've been suspiciously quiet". There was nods of agreement. The party itself was at a close-DH as I said was tidying up the table. There had already been murmurings of cab numbers I think that was why she was up trying to extend the party into something it very much wasn't.

As for obsessed with how people should act their age. No. I don't think a women of close to 50 should be pouring as much booze down her neck at someone's home where she is already being fed with total abandon to the point she is a state and embarrassing to herself and everyone there. That sort of behaviour should be very much left in late teens when it can be excused as late teen behaviour.

I'm not uptight either, I'm respectful that at a dinner party, you don't expect to get utterly hammered. You eat dinner, drink a bit, have a good discussion. She made the whole event about her and her attitude towards booze. I'm not even sure who brought the vodka, it's not something I drink myself so we didn't buy any.

Thanks to the poster who also pointed out the double standards of male drunk slow dancing/grinding is sexual assault, females doing it to a male is fine. If that makes me not a cool wife then fine. In a respectful wife of both myself, my husband and other people's partners.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/04/2022 09:26

Why didnt you step in?

Original poster
ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 09:31

As for miserable, I had a nice birthday dinner planned and she completely screwed it over. She's more friends with another couple on the group than me and DH so I wasn't aware of her form for acting like that.

I didn't help DH because I was pretty pissed off. I had already had quite enough of how loud she was, in fact two of us had suggested she have a cup of coffee or something other than booze and she laughed it off saying it was a party. I was already biting my tongue. Teen even said when I got upstairs who is making all that noise, thought it was a dinner party not a rave so they noticed it too

I can't get how it's seen as me at fault, maybe I'm very old fashioned but dancing is one thing, grabbing an arse quite another.

OP posts:
newbiename · 05/04/2022 09:32

She was pissed and acted like an idiot.
I don't get your comment about her being too old to drink like that ?

Hausa · 05/04/2022 09:34

I really don’t get why you asked if you were BU if you are unwilling to accept that a lot of think that you are. If you think you’re in the right, that’s fine - but then why ask us?

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 05/04/2022 09:36

She got absolutely pissed and made a tit of herself. I'd just pity her. She probably spent the next day with a bucket, with massive beer fear.

MardyOldGoth · 05/04/2022 09:36

She owes you an apology at the very least!

CounsellorTroi · 05/04/2022 09:43

YANBU to be embarrassed by this woman’s behaviour, I would be too, but YABU to bring her age into it.

billy1966 · 05/04/2022 09:46

OP,

I can understand your annoyance and distaste for her behaviour.

Most people know how to behave in the home of a friend, she clearly does not.

It is annoying when one drunken person takes over and makes a show of themselves.

Usually the same few and it IS tedious.

I would avoid her but not stop meeting up with the group.

I certainly don't think you have to have her in your home again.

Have others and leave her out.

Her partner may be nice but if they accept that type of behaviour, they cannot be surprised if others don't wish to be around it.

I think it is rude to get so drunk that you end up embarrassing those around you, particularly in someone's home.

Most people know better.

Original poster
ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 09:55

It's not that I don't want to hear I'm Unreasonable, it's more that I'm horrified that anyone would be OK with that?

I won't be inviting her again. I don't know whether to say anything to the couple who know her better as I really like them and don't want to make it awkward for them too!

OP posts:
Original poster
ReformedWaywardTeen · 05/04/2022 09:57

@billy1966

OP,

I can understand your annoyance and distaste for her behaviour.

Most people know how to behave in the home of a friend, she clearly does not.

It is annoying when one drunken person takes over and makes a show of themselves.

Usually the same few and it IS tedious.

I would avoid her but not stop meeting up with the group.

I certainly don't think you have to have her in your home again.

Have others and leave her out.

Her partner may be nice but if they accept that type of behaviour, they cannot be surprised if others don't wish to be around it.

I think it is rude to get so drunk that you end up embarrassing those around you, particularly in someone's home.

Most people know better.

Yes exactly, most people of an age do know better. I guess to me if she was a younger woman in her mate teens/mod twenties I would think, well, that's just standard, I was a bit OTT with booze in my late teens myself.

There comes a time though where that stops surely, and you can have a few drinks but not get falling down drunk?

I think my saying about age has been misconstrued. I just expect people to be grown up by now

OP posts:
Carrotinabox · 05/04/2022 10:05

You've asked if you are overthinking something and some posters have said yes, but you don't seem to like the answer. I would, like others, bet that your body language, facial expression and story about checking on your 17 year old made it more awkward than her drunken behaviour did. In my experience, people who behave like that after a drink are usually deeply unhappy about something and the beer fear will have crippled her the next day.

Just don't invite her again - you clearly don't want to - but certainly don't say anything to the couple that know her better. Why do they need to be brought into it?

incognitoforthisone · 05/04/2022 10:14

I wouldn't invite someone to my house again if they did that to my DP. It's gross.

There's a massive double standard on Mumsnet about this kind of thing. If it was your friend's DH who had done the same to you while drunk, people would be telling you it was assault and that you should never go near him again. It's not OK for a man to do it and it's not OK for a woman to do it either.

I don't care how much people drink - if people can manage to put away three times the amount of booze that I can, fair play to them, I say. Good-natured tipsiness is all good as far as I'm concerned. But if it gets to the point where they're regularly so out of control that it has a negative impact on other people, they can fuck off as far as I'm concerned. If you behave like that when you're drunk, do not get drunk.

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