Am I overthinking This?

[ReformedWaywardTeen]

This has been clogging up my brain for a few weeks now and so I would appreciate a hive mind.

Recently, I had a big birthday. Didn't plan loads as I wasn't sure whether we would end up locked down again.
DH was meant to organise something though. So he planned a dinner at home for a small group of immediately close by friends.

A few older mates had to drop out due to positive tests and one became a Gran which was fine. Left a smaller group of newer friends from the last few years.

I'm not a massive drinker. I don't mind a drink I'm not boring but I can tell when I've had my limit and am happy to stop. I know that that's me though and not everyone has that same attitude.

What was meant to be a nice dinner party was rudely interrupted by booze.

Most of us had a nice evening, with lovely food and a bit of music.

One of the group got very messy drunk- I think she did a bottle of wine, then did 3/4 of a bottle of vodka too.

Now, that's her funeral. I was embarrassed for her and her poor partner who was tipsy but she was a state and far too old to get that way. It was a bit teenager at an adults party.

What has annoyed me is I had moved away from the dinner table as she was being loud and most of us were in the living room (living room and dining room are one big room which we've kind of separated using a shelving unit but you can see the table and the room on that side).

DH was tidying up and as he walked back into the dining room, she grabs him and says he should dance with her. DH obliges whilst giggling. She starts getting louder so we are all watching by now.

She then starts really grinding on him and put her hands on his arse. DH is looking at me over her shoulder, clearly uncomfortable and like "help". He moves her away but she grabbed him again and tried to move his hands on her arse

At that point, DH manages to swerve her and her partner told her to sit down. I'm sitting there in shock that she would behave like that and really fuming- that's my husband, you're in my house!

I made an excuse to go check on my teen (who is 17 so obviously didn't need checking on) and I then stayed upstairs I was so annoyed with the intention of calming down and going back down stairs.

Within about 10 minutes everyone left. I think everyone felt embarrassed. I know one of the group told me he was really embarrassed for DH and me as she acted so inappropriately. She was really trying to instigate something with DH whilst I'm sitting there.

I now don't feel comfortable being around her. We are meant to see her and her partner and others in the group quite regularly but I've avoided bumping into her since. Only one person from the dinner has voiced an opinion so I don't know whether the rest find that acceptable. It wasn't that type of party for starters. It was a dinner party. It wasn't like we were all up dancing and drunk.

DH thinks I'm over reacting as she was smashed on vodka. But as I said to him, how would he have felt watching me dance like that with a supposed male friend? Or if a male had of grabbed my arse?

He admitted he felt uncomfortable but took it as banter. But said if it was me he would've been cross.

Should I put it down to drunken behaviour?

I dont think youre being unreasonable at all. As you've said if the sexes were reverses there would be uproar! And I agree with you about age and moving away from getting properly drunk regularly as well

You're not wrong to think she behaved very badly.

However I think you could have handled it better. You make a point of telling us that "her partner was doing nothing" - but you weren't helping your partner either. On the contrary, you walked out and left them all (they probably left thinking you were about to have a massive row with your partner about it).

Yes, I do think you're overthinking. It's telling that you spent three-quarters of your original post giving totally irrelevant background to the party: you could have had the three paragraphs beginning "DH was tidying up..." with just an introductory line about how one of your dinner party guests drank noticeably far more than everyone else. I think you had been looking forward to this for so long as something joyful and wonderful, and then your oldest friends couldn't come and somebody else ruined the evening even for the ones who were there. You need to come to terms with the loss of the party you wanted.

Yeah it inappropriate and she went too far because she was drinking.

But it's very unlikely that she was actually trying to instigate anything with your husband, with her own partner and you there. She was just being silly that's all!

OP, it really is ok to not like that behaviour.

I have had and been to many a dinner party, and birthday party and never come across the behaviour you describe.
Someone having a few drinks too many, definitely, but making a total show of themselves mauling the hosts husband.
No.

If I did, I don't know people who would think it acceptable and a laugh.

They would be really unimpressed and judge and gossip.

It was YOUR birthday and you were hosting.

Awful behaviour.

MN is often very critical of women with boundaries.

Her behaviour was very rude and an apology is in order.

Either way, I sure as hell would give her a eide berth socially.

Loud drunken people were tedious in my 20's, couldn't be around it in my 50's.

A bit of loud fun is acceptable, but drunken mauling of someone's spouse is NOT.

If the sexes were switched, it absolutely would not be acceptable.

She is not the only person in the world to get so drunk and do something really embarrassing OP.

Yes I would be wary of her in future situations but I wouldn't let it play on my mind or change the dynamic of my friendship group. Things happen and I bet she regrets it more than you realise, maybe even say in a future conversation it made you uncomfortable hope for an apology and just move on.

Dont take it so personal

@incognitoforthisone

I wouldn't invite someone to my house again if they did that to my DP. It's gross.

There's a massive double standard on Mumsnet about this kind of thing. If it was your friend's DH who had done the same to you while drunk, people would be telling you it was assault and that you should never go near him again. It's not OK for a man to do it and it's not OK for a woman to do it either.

I don't care how much people drink - if people can manage to put away three times the amount of booze that I can, fair play to them, I say. Good-natured tipsiness is all good as far as I'm concerned. But if it gets to the point where they're regularly so out of control that it has a negative impact on other people, they can fuck off as far as I'm concerned. If you behave like that when you're drunk, do not get drunk.

Yes that's exactly it, a huge amount of people would've quite rightly have been telling me it was assault and that I should log with 101. Why is OK when it's a woman? Or they're drunk?

That's no excuse!
The reason I posted was to sort of ask if I would be out of order to phase her out of the group when it comes to us organising stuff. I don't want to go out for dinner or something at some point, something we can't do too often due to costs these days, and be embarrassed by someone acting like that.

If I sound prissy then I get it. But I would be too respectful of the hosts and my DH to act like that. I like a drink, but know that at a certain age it isn't amusing to see someone lose control. Not when I have a teen. It doesn't give a good impression.
Maybe I'm old fashioned in that?

I just wouldn't want to make the whole group fall apart because we didn't bring this couple in in the first place, if we had it would be far easier to ghost them.

Others within your social group have agreed that they were uncomfortable with her behaviour so it's not you having a stick up your arse for no reason despite some on here trying to paint you as unusually fussy.

Her age DOES matter, because as you get older you do start to notice that your behaviour affects the number of invites you get. That's life folks.
Younger people are more forgiven for drunken mistakes because their still 'learning' about your limits, when you're older drunken tomfoolery is just dull, awkward and embarrassing for everyone there.

She's not a close mate, you invited her to your house and she fucked it by getting pissed and grinding on your husband in front of an audience of your friends who were all embarrassed by it.

YANBU