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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about getting annoyed with my friend?

58 replies

cowsaysmoo · 04/04/2022 22:10

My friend got married few months ago but the wedding was rushed and she wanted to have her hen after the wedding.
I organised the hen do but on the morning of the event my husband woke up really ill and I couldn't leave him to look after our children (aged 1 and 3) as he was too poorly.
I explained to my friend that I won't be able to attend and initially she said it was ok but then she messaged me that she is really disappointed in me.
I couldn't have asked anyone else to look after the children last minute.
I felt awful for not being able to attend but my friend's behaviour made me really upset and I don't even feel like talking to her. AIBU?

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogling · 04/04/2022 22:14

Why couldn't you ask anyone to look after your children last minute? What did your husband have?

Original poster
cowsaysmoo · 04/04/2022 22:31

My husband has covid, third day in bed straight. The only people who I could have asked have also covid, whom my DH got it from.

OP posts:
Beercrispsandnuts · 04/04/2022 22:33

So why didn’t you tell her earlier if that was the third day? And why couldn’t you organise other child care as you had three days notice?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/04/2022 22:34

I think you have to give her a pass on this - it was her hen party, and you were the organiser, and you cancelled on the day. I understand there may have been no other solution, but obviously she is going to be disappointed.

Vapeyvapevape · 04/04/2022 22:35

Who has their hen do after the wedding Confused ?
I think anyone organising any sort of outing/get together/party these days shouldn't be surprised if someone drops out , so many people have covid .

FlissyPaps · 04/04/2022 22:40

Sorry OP, do you mean he was ill for 2 days before the hen party or he fell ill on the day of the hen party?

Either way, it’s happened. Nothing you can do now to change it. Understandably your friend would have been disappointed that you couldn’t make it. But if your husband fell ill that day and there was absolute no other option for child care then YANBU.

Why don’t you organise something for just you and her to make up for it. Afternoon tea, spa day, bottomless brunch?

Lou98 · 04/04/2022 22:40

Do you make a habit of not going to events or was this the first time?

If the former, she could feel it's just an excuse and you didn't want to go.

If the latter then YANBU. It's natural for her to feel disappointed that you couldn't make it but it couldn't be helped. Covid is affecting everyone differently and if your Husband wasn't well enough to look after the kids there's not much you could do.

I don't really think there needs to be a falling out over it though or not talking to her, she's disappointed you didn't make it, you're upset at how she's reacted - if you're good friends (which I'm assuming you are if you were organising the hen) then you both need to let it go and just chalk it up to one of these things

HellToTheNope · 04/04/2022 22:41

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I think you have to give her a pass on this - it was her hen party, and you were the organiser, and you cancelled on the day. I understand there may have been no other solution, but obviously she is going to be disappointed.
A pass for being a bitch? She had the gall to tell her friend she was actually disappointed in her because she had to miss a party due a situation beyond her control. She's entitled to feel disappointed but to tell the op that's she's disappointed in her is outrageous.

Find a better friend, op.

ASeriesOfTubes · 04/04/2022 22:41

@Beercrispsandnuts

So why didn’t you tell her earlier if that was the third day? And why couldn’t you organise other child care as you had three days notice?
It wasn't, if I'm reading right today is the third day. OP says he woke up ill on the morning of the event.
Underfrighter · 04/04/2022 22:41

I dont think YABU if it happened as youd written it I'm assuming you were planning on going but he got much worse on the morning.

Most people would struggle to get emergency childcare for the same day, for kids that young, for a full day / night or however long it is, when someone in your house has covid.

I think it's fine for your friend to be disappointed that you couldn't come but I think the 'in you're part ie disappointed in you, is very harsh. It implies that you were at fault and could have chosen another option.

I think for the sake of the friendship I'd say you were disappointed too with the terrible timing and it was such a shame that all the childcare options were also ill and leave it at that. I'm not sure what she thinks you could have done differently. Leave the kids with someone who couldn't get out of bed? You would have been really worried the whole time. Taken them with you!? Left them with a stranger?

Lou98 · 04/04/2022 22:42

@Beercrispsandnuts I could be wrong but I read the OP's reply there as the hen do was on Saturday and today her Husband is on day 3 of being in bed ill

ddl1 · 04/04/2022 22:42

Especially if you were only a guest and not responsible for organizing the hen do, she is being very unreasonable. The hen do isn't even the wedding! And these things happen, especially right now. Even apart from your responsibilities to your family, you're a Covid contact- would she really want you to risk passing it on to everyone at the hen do? And anyway, who tells an adult friend that she is 'really disappointed in them'? That's what a parent or teacher might say to a naughty child.

SnowingInApril · 04/04/2022 22:45

How many people cancelled/attended? I wonder if you were one of many and she’s upset about that rather then at you specifically.
Tbh I’d feel pretty upset if a close friend cancelled on the day. She’d probably been looking forward to it. I think it’s ok for her to be disappointed. Better she tell you then quietly seethe?

lothermand · 04/04/2022 22:48

I can't believe some of the responses on hereShock

The woman has two children ages 1 and 3, and her husband is ill. She has to find 'emergency' sitters so she can attend a bloody stupid hen do ffs..you're all bloody mad if you think you think the OP is wrong..

With friends like some of you, who needs enemiesHmm

ddl1 · 04/04/2022 22:49

Ah, I see that you were organizing it- but presumably the essential organization had already been done. As she first said it was all right and then got in a strop, I suspect that a number of other people cancelled- maybe for the same sort of reason.

ChateauMargaux · 04/04/2022 22:51

Geez... it was covid.. surely none of the other guests would have wanted you to turn up if your husband had an active covid infection.

and who in their right mind would want to look after 2 kids whose parent had covid so the other could socialise... emergency unavoidable work commitment maybe.. someone's hen do. .eh no.

YukoandHiro · 04/04/2022 22:52

YANBU. What the hell did she expect you to do? And did she actually really want you to come along and spread covid to everyone?
A couple of months ago and you'd have been isolating anyway,
Ignore her. As a pp said I bet she's pissed off because others had to cancel due to covid too

DirtyDancing · 04/04/2022 22:52

@lothermand

I can't believe some of the responses on hereShock

The woman has two children ages 1 and 3, and her husband is ill. She has to find 'emergency' sitters so she can attend a bloody stupid hen do ffs..you're all bloody mad if you think you think the OP is wrong..

With friends like some of you, who needs enemiesHmm

Here here. Shit happens, parents get ill kids need looking after. You cant go swanning off to a piss up hen do with that going on at home. Obviously family comes first, bride fair to be disappointed but should understand
Nothingsfine · 04/04/2022 22:53

Your friend needs to get over herself

greenlynx · 04/04/2022 22:58

I’m with @lothermand 100% . Some people live in fairy land thinking that everyone got childcare available at any moment for two small children aged 1 and 3.

HolsOnML · 04/04/2022 23:00

@lothermand

I can't believe some of the responses on hereShock

The woman has two children ages 1 and 3, and her husband is ill. She has to find 'emergency' sitters so she can attend a bloody stupid hen do ffs..you're all bloody mad if you think you think the OP is wrong..

With friends like some of you, who needs enemiesHmm

This!

Can you imagine if this was a woman posting on here about her DH swanning off on a stag do while she was I'll and expecting her to look after two small kids? There'd be uproar!

Dimenw · 04/04/2022 23:01

I'm so sorry your friend made a bad situation worse. But don't worry, it's not you it's definitely her. Realistically there was nothing that you could do.
She needs to have a word with herself.

bumbledeedum · 04/04/2022 23:01

@lothermand

I can't believe some of the responses on hereShock

The woman has two children ages 1 and 3, and her husband is ill. She has to find 'emergency' sitters so she can attend a bloody stupid hen do ffs..you're all bloody mad if you think you think the OP is wrong..

With friends like some of you, who needs enemiesHmm

This!

Bloody hell, why should OP rope in family or friends to look after two small child (& potentially a sick adult?) to attend a hen party. Hardly like she just work up and couldn't be bothered to attend. Your friend needs to get a grip OP and be thanking you for organising a bloody hen party after a weekend Hmm

Sapphirejane · 04/04/2022 23:03

Does your friend have children OP? I only ask because before I did I didn’t quite appreciate how difficult childcare issues etc can be. My friend is getting married and I can tell she is getting annoyed that I can’t make all the various days/events she has planned because I can’t just keep passing my child off to other people. I’m not excusing her rudeness it might just explain why she doesn’t quite get it.

HeddaGarbled · 04/04/2022 23:06

Of course she was disappointed. Unless there’s been any ‘behaviour’ in addition to this single honest expression of how she was feeling, it would be childish to stop talking to her.