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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about getting annoyed with my friend?

58 replies

cowsaysmoo · 04/04/2022 22:10

My friend got married few months ago but the wedding was rushed and she wanted to have her hen after the wedding.
I organised the hen do but on the morning of the event my husband woke up really ill and I couldn't leave him to look after our children (aged 1 and 3) as he was too poorly.
I explained to my friend that I won't be able to attend and initially she said it was ok but then she messaged me that she is really disappointed in me.
I couldn't have asked anyone else to look after the children last minute.
I felt awful for not being able to attend but my friend's behaviour made me really upset and I don't even feel like talking to her. AIBU?

OP posts:

Vapeyvapevape · 04/04/2022 23:18

I just can't get my head around people , whether they have children or not, who don't understand that you can't get child care at the drop of a hat .

JennySpanner · 04/04/2022 23:18

There's nothing you could do. With children that young any event is always slightly unpredictable as if there is a situation like this (someone becoming ill) it has to be dealt with and I wouldn't leave children that age with anyone other than my DH, DM or MIL. Both of our mothers live far away so childcare takes advance planning. If one of us is ill the other has to step in it's that simple. She sounds a bit highly strung anyway wanting a hen for after a wedding.

Luckingfovely · 04/04/2022 23:24

Yup, the night was stupid in the first place, and she's psychotic for thinking you should leave a husband with Covid and two tiny children at home, even if you could possibly have got anyone to come.

Bridezilla even after the wedding? This is a new one, even for MN

perimenofertility · 04/04/2022 23:32

You friend is being unreasonable to have a hen party after the wedding, how silly. Even more silly to be annoyed with you for not being able to come. I hope your DH get better soon!

ldontWanna · 04/04/2022 23:35

I don't think either of you are unreasonable.

She is obviously disappointed. Maybe she thinks you used it as an excuse, doesn't get that your husband was that ill, and simply really wanted you there and your absence was noticeable and upsetting.

You know your circumstances, and obviously had very valid reasons including lack of childcare and an ill husband.

It's one of those things where there is a perfect storm,feelings running high and easy to get offended and say/do things that you can't take back.

If she's a real,good friend and the friendship is worth it give her time to cool off, give yourself some time too and try to make up .

Neverreturntoathread · 04/04/2022 23:42

Yanbu. Sorry there are so many weirdo posters on here, some people just join Mumsnet to criticise.

Anyway obviously if your husband was too ill to look after the children then you weren’t able to go to a hen do, and your friend is a dick for saying she’s disappointed in you.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/04/2022 23:45

Hmm, " DH has Covid and is really ill, I'm so sorry I can't come tonight as no babysitters available who will come to a Covid-ridden house' is different from " DH is unwell and so I can't come". One sounds real, the other sounds like an excuse.
If you said something like the first option, she is being unreasonable, but you should still be friends, she's disappointed and hopefully you can take her out when your household is Covid free.
If it's the second, then it's up to you to apologise more ( and take her out when household is Covid-free) She's upset because she likes you and wanted you there.

Flickflak · 04/04/2022 23:49

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Walkingalot · 04/04/2022 23:54

She might have been disappointed but to message you, that's nasty. I assume all the preparation had been done and it was just your attendance that was missing? Hopefully she messaged in the heat of the moment, regrets it and will apologise. Don't contact her. Even if he was well enough to look after the kids, the likelihood of you passing it on would have been a risk to them all. It couldn't be helped.

MardyMandy · 04/04/2022 23:55

Why couldn't you ask anyone to look after your children last minute?What did your husband have?

tbf not everyone has somebody they can ask. I didn't when my children were little. No family around and no friends close enough.

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/04/2022 00:38

Why would you not want to talk to her?

She said she was disappointed, which is fair enough. It doesn’t mean you could help cancelling, but it’s only human to be annoyed. When you speak to her you can explain it couldn’t be helped, and then close the conversation.

Original poster

cowsaysmoo · 05/04/2022 06:41

Thank you all. You did all make me feel better as although I knew it was a right thing to do (and only possible thing to do), I started doubting myself.

Just to clarify:

husband fell ill on the morning of the hen.
I understand that she was upset that I couldn't come, so was I.
It was an all day event, plus travel, so despite the potential sitter and husband being ill, I would feel very uncomfortable asking them to step up in minutes notice and calnel their day. They don't feel comfortable looking at both children at the same time anyway, as they can be handful, unless it was an emergency.
friend is a mum.

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 05/04/2022 07:21

The sense of entitlement always amazes me on here. Not everyone has a stash of childcare at their disposal. If my dh had covid I wouldn't ask anyone to have kids as they could pass it on which is really unfair. Yes I am understand hen being disappointed but op didn't do it deliberately.

Patchbatch · 05/04/2022 07:29

You weren't unreasonable for not going, seems a shame to throw away a presumably close friendship if you organised the hen because of it though.

Downunderduchess · 05/04/2022 08:22

She’s already married, which is the important bit isn’t it? She may have been disappointed but it’s not like you changed your mind or something better came along. You put your family first. Most people would. In any case if you’d been in the same house with someone with Covid I wouldn’t want you coming out.

GoIntoTheLight · 05/04/2022 09:40

I can't think of a single person I'd ask to take a 1yo and 3yo for the day, at last minute notice, for anything short of life or death.

Some very entitled people on here expecting others to drop everything in order to attend a party!

ddl1 · 05/04/2022 10:54

@HeddaGarbled

Of course she was disappointed. Unless there’s been any ‘behaviour’ in addition to this single honest expression of how she was feeling, it would be childish to stop talking to her.

It's one thing to say 'I'm disappointed' and another to say 'I'm disappointed in you.'

lothermand · 05/04/2022 15:52

@Flickflak "To stop talking to her sounds pretty juvenile. Do you have form in last minute cancellations?"

This is a pretty juvenile thing to say

RampantIvy · 05/04/2022 15:59

@lothermand

I can't believe some of the responses on here

The woman has two children ages 1 and 3, and her husband is ill. She has to find 'emergency' sitters so she can attend a bloody stupid hen do ffs..you're all bloody mad if you think you think the OP is wrong..

With friends like some of you, who needs enemies

I agree with you.

Liverbird77 · 05/04/2022 16:16

What is all this emergency childcare that people have said the op had time to sort?

I have nobody to help us. My children are the same age as the op's and I sure as hell wouldn't be hiring unknown babysitters to watch them while I went to a hen do!

Op, I hope your husband feels better soon.

stealthninjamum · 05/04/2022 16:23

You weren’t unreasonable. Rather selfishly, if I were going out with a friend whose dh had covid or Covid symptoms I’d prefer she didn’t come and potentially infect me! And obviously I’d understand that she needed to stay and look after the young dc.

Original poster

cowsaysmoo · 06/01/2023 11:13

Hello, if anyone is still here and interested in an update (sometimes I do wonder how the stories I read here end), my friend "broke up" with me, removed me from all her social media, she left all chat groups we were on together and I haven't heard from her since.
On reflection, after initial heart break, I think it's for the better as she did show her true colours to me and I do not need fake friends in my life.

OP posts:

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 06/01/2023 11:22

Your ex-friend is a shitty person.

LadyGAgain · 06/01/2023 11:25

I think the post-Covid era has afforded many a true colour to be shown and lots of friendships have altered/dissolved. Initially sad but longer term a relief.

BriteSparke · 06/01/2023 11:35

Bet you're glad you didn't move heaven and earth to try to go to her post-wedding hen do now OP.

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