I have never done this before but I am in a world of confusion and I hope that someone can (perhaps) talk some sense into me. I am a mum of two young children (under 5) and I am married to a man that helps a lot when he is around but he works away now most of the time. I never thought I would be raising two young children alone and I feel sad for that but also very grateful post-pandemic that he has work, as we had a tough time for a while with us both being out of work. Anway, recently he came back from a trip that was a few months long, I had this aching feeling while he was away that something wasn't right, he felt a little distanced on the phone and I know there were some heavy nights out with colleagues (he never goes out at home, out of his choice and I think definitely letting off some steam) when he came home, I did the unthinkable to put my mind at rest...I went through his whatsapps. I saw a couple of questionable conversations with female colleagues, two conversations in fact. One with a woman which was a few days of banter and then a few drunk texts where It looked like she was testing the waters asking his intentions, and asking him to be more direct with her and he also asked what her intentions were with him. There were a few suggestive posts as to this is where I am staying but other than that not too much to write home about. I asked him about this and he pleaded with me nothing happened, though went into a defensive mode and told me he was messaging her because I never answered my phone. (we spoke everyday via calls in the evenings, I love to message him but he barely replies as he is always busy or tired) He was being very harsh with me and I just begged him to give me some reassurance that everything was okay. He told me " I spent last night between your legs for an hour, what more reassurance do you need" I found this to be so hurtful and insensitive. He told me this woman and He talked the next day in person and he told her nothing would happen and that he was married. and apparently she didn't realise. Then I also found a 2nd conversation with another woman, there was a lot more 'banter' here and then eventually when the woman told him she was leaving the place of work and returning home he confessed he was sad because he wanted to spend more time with her. This woman was particularly attractive and this whole thing has sent me into a tailspin. Am I overreacting over work colleagues that are spending time together abroad and enjoying a shared experience etc is this type of chat bound to happen and am I being too sensitive? I think what gets me the most is that my husband responds in quite a cruel and fiery way, I would love him to take me in his arms and tell me that there is nobody else but me or that he loves me but instead, he says I am jealous, have issues and that isn't his fault. They are just colleagues, he is flirting maybe but nothing would ever come of it.
I also need to add, and this pains me because I have never mentioned this to anyone, I once found condoms in his work bag and he told me they were for emergencies, that he may f787k up his life but he doesn't want to do that for someone else.
He definitely does not have a way with words and can be quite tough sometimes, but he is the father of my kids, people love him, I love him but I just don't know what to think now. How am I going to feel content with him working away now knowing what I have read. I am so confused, am I being unreasonable to be so down and upset with him. I feel sick, anxious and can't concentrate on anything since he has returned, please tell me your honest opinions.
I work full time too and take care of the children and I am just feeling so underappreciated that he feels it is okay to have a fun and care free time while he is away and I am struggling to make it through every day alone with my hands full.