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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which child can you choose?

62 replies

Absolutelyfuckedup · 03/04/2022 22:35

Dd 17 suffering frequent mental health crisis. On medication that isn't working. Getting more and more angry. Police have been involved twice recently. Life is absolutely shit trying to deal with this.
Ds 12. Suffering more and more. Tonight dd has punched and kicked him for being a dickhead. Her words. He was been.cjeeky to me slightly then huffed to his toom, typical almost teenage behaviour which would be dealt with appropriately by me and his dad.
Dd is increasingly out of control and we are at our wits end. Dh can barely sleep. He's ill because of it. I'm up and down and carry on putting a brave face on. Ds has no choice but to live through this upheaval. Dd is clearly unwell. On waiting list for private therapy as no hope on nhs.
I am drained mentally. What the hell do you do. Youngest needs protecting before he is seriously damaged but dd doesn't deserve to be removed from home either. Help!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/04/2022 22:39

What would life be like if you could afford two small homes and the parents moved from home to home every couple of days with one child living permanently in each place?

Comedycook · 03/04/2022 22:39

Oh god...poor you... honestly I'm no expert, buty first thought was you need to protect your younger child. Your eldest is nearly an adult. They cannot go through life physically assaulting people who piss them off.

autienotnaughty · 03/04/2022 22:44

That is so hard. I would say a deal breaker is not attacking people tho.

Longdistance · 03/04/2022 22:45

You can’t choose, but at 17yo your dd needs to control herself, regardless of MH issues.
12yo ds needs to have a word with himself.
I’d be getting everyone together and having a session about respect.

User56436674 · 03/04/2022 22:46

@HollowTalk

What would life be like if you could afford two small homes and the parents moved from home to home every couple of days with one child living permanently in each place?
I would try and make this work for a while, even if one parent staying with DS and grandparents or something. So, so hard
fallfallfall · 03/04/2022 22:48

can your youngest go live with family until your home is safe?

Vipersea · 03/04/2022 22:55

Hollowtalk seriously!!!!

I was horrendous teen, it makes me cringe how much I put my parents through! I actually settled eventually once I started dating.

I am not saying this is the case and I hate peop!e jumping on the spectrum bandwagon but I now in my 40s have diagnosed Autistic daughter (youngest) specialist school. 2 older I know through learning have traits. Husband undiagnosed but knew from self diagnosing as teen. I struggled with anger issues, self acceptance \ confidence. I briefly mentioned to my DD psychiatrist I could be ADHD and he nodded in agreement without knowing all this back story shite.

Don't go in all guns blaring, you don't seem from your post you are a neglectful \ bad environment parent. Speak to your DD there is probably something else going on. If you find a pattern like certain changes even Tom (I'm horrendous) it could possibly lead you down this path as changes are a trigger. If not, she is still a child, she isn't an adult because the law says she is in how ever months time. There is something making her behave this way. She is obviously unhappy. She may be behaving in a way that you don't like her very much as a person but there is usually a reason and as her mother, grit your teeth and get to the bottom of it

negomi90 · 03/04/2022 22:58

@Longdistance Can we not blame the 12 year old for being difficult. That's victim blaming.
The 12 yo is 12, the family is struggling, his sister's mental health will be having an impact on him, especially if its at the level where the police are involved.
Overall the situation sucks, but you need to prioritise physical safety of your younger child. Realistically this likely means either paying for 2 places to live or a parent taking one of the children and staying with a friend/relative elsewhere. Which child and parent goes should depend on location, needs, portability.
I'd be reluctant to send the 12yo away to someone else without a parent unless its really really the only option as it risks them feeling abandoned/punished and sets them up for worse mental health issues in future.

Vipersea · 03/04/2022 23:03

I can't actually believe these comments! Please OP understand real life isn't roses and chocolates especially with teens. These same vile people will put people down that offer themselves to SS. They clearly don't live in the actual real world thank goodness! It is a stage, a horrid stage. How you react will make the difference in time it gets you through it. Talk to your DD, listen even if self indulgent moaning, you will pick up snippets of why she is behaving this way so you can help of correct way of thinking

Timeforausernamechange22 · 03/04/2022 23:04

My instinct is protect your 12yr old. They are still a child who needs protecting and who has done nothing wrong yet are being punished. The 17yr old is old enough to know right from wrong, mental health struggles are no excuse for physical violence against her younger sibling. Have you tried having her sectioned? Harsh but if she’s a danger to herself because she can’t control herself due to MH then that is the route you need to go down.

RedditBeta · 03/04/2022 23:08

Fuck sake, do not send the one that's getting hit away to keep them 'safe'. By all means let them have a lock on the door.

I think hollow talks suggestion is actually quite a good one.

Vipersea · 03/04/2022 23:08

Also DH needs to give head a shake! You both need to deal with this together. I wasn't meaning in previous posts to be a soft touch. Time to roll those parent sleeves up and get to the bottom of why this behaviour is happening. I do not think separating your family is the right option, I'm horrified it has been suggested to be frank!

Ivegotalovelybunch · 03/04/2022 23:09

I’m harsh but if she assaulted him I’d be taking her down to the police station for some tough love. Actions have consequences and mental health is not an excuse for abuse, even in teenage years

Viviennemary · 03/04/2022 23:11

I think she needs to be taken into care even if only on a temporary basis. Your other child needs to be protected from this violence.

Vipersea · 03/04/2022 23:11

I bet you all did posts on how you support MH too! Ffs! Yes keep children separate but 17 is still a child with MH issues you horrors!

StoneofDestiny · 03/04/2022 23:16

The 17 year old is a child too. I'm surprised she hasn't been sectioned for her own safety if she is so out of control and her meds aren't working. No advice - but keep pressing for help.Contact GP and tell them you are at breaking point.

Vipersea · 03/04/2022 23:26

Sorry I was so enraged at the comments I had to come back!
Practically : go to GP first stop, what is the reason and what are the drugs prescribed? Any medication is trial and error of May need doses revisted. My DD we had to double dose of citralopram to see any difference.

  1. CAHMS waiting list is v long and with your daughters age they prob be won't much use but tbh they aren't any good anyway so wouldn't worry
  2. They will or prob have redirected to minds matters, again, long waiting list and not great
  3. If you are seriously worried about DD mental health take her to A & E to get fast tracked.
If police have been involved like you say then they should have fast tracked this already??? You should be assigned your own case worker. Has this happened?
Vipersea · 03/04/2022 23:29

Oh and you don't chose! They are both your children that need hekp!

BlooberryBiskits · 03/04/2022 23:34

Sorry, this must be so difficult

If 1 parent & 12 yo can stay with family from time to time (eg weekends?) might give you a break to help you get through this time

Obviously the need is to protect your younger child but the teen is clearly acting out MH issues so ‘having a talk’ may not be effective…

parietal · 03/04/2022 23:35

protect your 12yr old - let him have a lock on his bedroom door & stay safe. can his school give him counselling & support too?

fight for services to help your 17 yr old.

ElegantlyTouched · 03/04/2022 23:36

If you want a relationship with at least one of your children in the future you need to spend some quality time with your son without your dd being around. Do not send him elsewhere as you have considered in another thread. Her actions have hospitalised him, he needs to know you love him.
If you send him away, even for his safety, what message does that give him? That regardless of how his sister treats him she'll be the one cared for by you whilst he gets banished. I'm sure you tell him she's ill and needs to be treated with consideration, but he's ill now. She can't be seen to be able to carry on regardless whilst he gets punished by being sent away.

My mum pandered to my sister for years. My sister is a bully so Mum would pander to her to keep the peace, ignoring how much she hurt me in the process. I was meant to just put up with it. And I did until it went too far, and I realised how much hurt I was expected to put up with. I now have v little to do with my mum, and my sister still treats her like shite. I do feel incredibly sad about it but I have to protect myself as nobody else will. Do you really want to lose your relationship with your son?

BluebellsGreenbells · 03/04/2022 23:41

I wouldn’t put a lock on the door, if he’s not quick enough she could trap him in there.

I would ring the police and let her know you are reporting the assault.

They usually send community officers and put the wind up them. I would tell her in no uncertain terms that is the plan of action going forward .

If a 17 year old lad assaulted him what would you do?

Neverreturntoathread · 03/04/2022 23:41

I’m so sorry 😭

DD17 is nearly an adult. She physically assaulted a 12 year old. I’m not sure I agree with you that she doesn’t deserve to be removed from home. I wonder if being sectioned might actually help her, at least with more observation she might finally get meds that work.

Which child do you choose? The youngest one. The one still learning how to be.

I wish you the best of luck and hope things get easier for you. But if she is beyond help - don’t let her destroy the rest of you, I’ve seen how one person can wreck the whole family.

Vipersea · 03/04/2022 23:52

Beyond help!!!! Jesus are you serious!

Imagine , what were you doing at 15, meeting mates, going to the cinema into town

She went into lockdown! The most important time of your life, going from child to being independent, feeling a bit more freedom! These are the kids that suffered the most. In a week it was taken from them.

Yes obviously protect your youngest, that goes without saying. It can be done, we have lived through it but fgs DON'T put your 17yr old child in care. You be a parent! Grit your teeth, man your husband up but do not take the easy way out! These other people commentating any different are not parents or don't deserve to be and I am raging at their views. You do not get to give up if you are a parent full stop!

tkwal · 03/04/2022 23:55

The best way to get help for your 17year old is to report the assaults she is carrying out on your 12 year old to the police. Do this before she turns 18 or you will not be able to access any help for her at all. Youth Justice will offer one to one work on managing anger and developing coping strategies. Instead of launching directly into therapy pay for a private assessment by a psychologist and if necessary a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists deal with actual illnesses of the brain, chemical imbalances etc. Psychologists more with learned behaviours and how the brain is wired to respond. You may need to get some help for your 12 Yr old too. He is being abused in what should be his safe place and could suffer long term trauma because of it