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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you wait for everyone to finish before leaving the table?

63 replies

00100001 · 03/04/2022 17:05

DS's girlfriend will just up and leave the dinner table as soon as she's finished. I find it really annoying, but DH thinks it fine because she's young (She's 19!).

AIBU to think this is rude?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/04/2022 17:14

I think it's rude. She's an adult. Old enough for table manners.

There was a similar thread the other day where lots of people think it's fine to leave the table but I think if you're a guest you make more of an effort to do what everyone else is doing.

yellowsuninthesky · 03/04/2022 17:17

I'm surprised someone would do it in someone else's house. Unless you all eat incredibly slowly and she gets bored waiting?

I was allowed to leave the table when I had finished as a child, but I think I was probably slower eating than my parents, so they were waiting for me anyway.

toastofthetown · 03/04/2022 17:20

I would expect people to wait but that's how it's always worked in my family. Maybe her family works differently and by leaving the table when she finishes, she's not being rude, but just acting differently. If it bothers you, don't expect her to read your mind, either mention it nicely to her, or to your so he can say to her in in your family you wait for everyone finish eating before leaving the table. Silently seething will only bother you.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 03/04/2022 17:26

Rude.
May be ok within some families when it isn’t an ‘occasion’ dinner, but not what you do as a guest!

Bdhntbis · 03/04/2022 17:27

I think it’s rude but to some people it’s quite normal

mycatisannoying · 03/04/2022 17:28

So many Mumsnet issues could be sorted out with basic communication.

burnoutbabe · 03/04/2022 17:29

very rude, it just says "well you fed me now, no point tolerating your company any longer"

Is she going off to be sick?

Surely you'd also give a polite excuse as you left - sorry i just need to make sure i ring my mum, she was going out in 5 mins. Something to explain why you are going, not just BORED NOW

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 03/04/2022 17:29

It's rude, and she's an adult and should know better.

Raise it with DS.

LittleRedRidingHood187 · 03/04/2022 17:31

It's rude to leave before everybody has finished. If I did that at my IL's the MIL would go berserk

LizzieMacQueen · 03/04/2022 17:32

Of course she should wait or ask if it's okay to leave the table. If she does ask then the polite answer is 'yes, of course' or 'yes, but can you take your dirty plate to the kitchen' etc.

ReeseWitherfork · 03/04/2022 17:32

She’s not being rude if it’s the norm in her house. Unless she’s doing it in some sort of huffy way. She obviously feels at home. Rude if she isn’t offering to help prepare the meal or clean up after.

ClemDanFango · 03/04/2022 17:32

Wouldn’t bother me. It’s awkward sitting and watching people eat when you’ve finished. Different families do different things, it doesn’t mean she’s rude just that she’s used to different rules than yours at home.

Original poster
00100001 · 03/04/2022 17:46

@mycatisannoying

So many Mumsnet issues could be sorted out with basic communication.
How much more basic than me talking to DH who says it's not an issue...?

I just wanted to be right 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
00100001 · 03/04/2022 17:47

@burnoutbabe

very rude, it just says "well you fed me now, no point tolerating your company any longer"

Is she going off to be sick?

Surely you'd also give a polite excuse as you left - sorry i just need to make sure i ring my mum, she was going out in 5 mins. Something to explain why you are going, not just BORED NOW

Ha ha no. Literally sits on her phone in the living room.
OP posts:
Grumpyoctopus · 03/04/2022 17:51

I imagine it's normal in her house and she has never considered doing otherwise.

It's not a rule we have, as long as everyone clears away after themselves they can just go when they are finished.

You have reminded me that I should probably teach my kids to ask first if they are at someone else house though!

girlmom21 · 03/04/2022 17:53

@ReeseWitherfork

She’s not being rude if it’s the norm in her house. Unless she’s doing it in some sort of huffy way. She obviously feels at home. Rude if she isn’t offering to help prepare the meal or clean up after.
It's still rude if it's the norm in her house. In her house they might walk round with her shoes on but if OP's family take their shoes off, it'd be rude to keep hers on
Eyedropeyeflop · 03/04/2022 17:54

I’m 33 and never even knew that was a thing 😂. Just trying to think back now to when I’ve done this and possibly been labelled rude 🤦‍♀️!!

It certainly wasn’t my norm as a child as we never had a kitchen table let alone sat at one. Dinner was on the floor or on laps.

My kids eat at a table but as soon as they’re finished they remove their plate and leave the table. I actively encourage them to do so as the squabbling at times I’ve found super annoying.

Our rule is once you’ve finished you get up and get gone.

GeneLovesJezebel · 03/04/2022 17:55

It’s rude, but it depends upon what she has been taught.

SniffMyQuiffyHair · 03/04/2022 17:57

It's rude, you are right,

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 03/04/2022 17:57

@ClemDanFango

Wouldn’t bother me. It’s awkward sitting and watching people eat when you’ve finished. Different families do different things, it doesn’t mean she’s rude just that she’s used to different rules than yours at home.
Why would she sit and watch eating, she's not 2 she can engage in conversation like, you know, a normal person

It's rude and even if she does it at home she can't be unaware that if she's the only one doing it maybe it's not the done thing in most houses.

sweetbellyhigh · 03/04/2022 17:57

How much more basic than me talking to DH who says it's not an issue...?

That isn't going to sort it out though, is it. You need to talk to the girlfriend.

I dislike all this judgemental stuff about oh she's so rude. I was brought up with very strict table manners but lots of people were not. Some people never eat at the table and I think it's unkind to expect a visitor to automatically know what is expected.

I would honestly just ask her to stay seated. I'd at hey, don't leave, we really like to have everyone here to chat.

pinkstripeycat · 03/04/2022 17:58

Eyedropeyeflop

I’m 33 and never even knew that was a thing 😂. Just trying to think back now to when I’ve done this and possibly been labelled rude 🤦‍♀️!!

It certainly wasn’t my norm as a child as we never had a kitchen table let alone sat at one. Dinner was on the floor or on laps.

Sat and ate your dinner sitting on the floor?!!! WTAF?!

girlmom21 · 03/04/2022 17:59

@sweetbellyhigh

How much more basic than me talking to DH who says it's not an issue...?

That isn't going to sort it out though, is it. You need to talk to the girlfriend.

I dislike all this judgemental stuff about oh she's so rude. I was brought up with very strict table manners but lots of people were not. Some people never eat at the table and I think it's unkind to expect a visitor to automatically know what is expected.

I would honestly just ask her to stay seated. I'd at hey, don't leave, we really like to have everyone here to chat.

But OP thinks it's rude and her DH doesn't so OP is asking us who's right. If the consensus is that the husband is right, there's no reason for OP to talk to the girlfriend because in DH's opinion, she's doing nothing wrong.
TedMullins · 03/04/2022 18:01

Wouldn’t bother me but I think it’s a pretty pointless custom, we didn’t do it at home when I was growing up, we mainly ate dinner from a tray on our laps. If you don’t like it just tell her you’d like her to stay at the table.

Eyedropeyeflop · 03/04/2022 18:04

@pinkstripeycat

Yes on the floor watching telly. Although certainly not mumsnet standards in the late 80s/90s, I don’t find that too shocking.